15 year old homework

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Dear ADDitude: My Teen Won’t Do His Homework!

“My 13-year-old rushes through his homework and often forgets to hand it in. He also has ODD, so he is so stubborn and doesn’t want to study or accept help. He is smart, but his attitude and lack of motivation are holding him back. What can I do?”

Defiant Over Homework: Reader Question

Defiant over homework: additude answers.

ADHD, ODD, and puberty are a tough combination. Work on one challenge at a time. First, handle the missing assignments. Set up a meeting with your son’s teachers to find out which assignments are missing, and come up with a schedule for getting him caught up. Choose to work on a few assignments per night until he is caught up. I would suggest not allowing any screen time until that day’s assignments are complete. Follow up with his teachers to make sure they received the completed assignments. If it is possible to e-mail assignments, once they are completed, that would be ideal.

Now you can focus on the quality of the work and his motivation to do it. Many 13-year-old boys are not motivated to do schoolwork. This may be a sign of his age, his ADHD , his ODD, or a combination. If you find less screen time helps, keep this policy up until schoolwork is completed for the evening. Although teens with ODD often resent and argue with rules, you should keep certain rules in place. Clearly explain to your son the consequences and rewards. Be consistent with your approach, and focus on what he is doing right, rather than what he is doing wrong.

Posted by Eileen Bailey Freelance writer, author specializing in ADHD, anxiety, and autism

My son is 13, in 7th grade, and also rushes through all work and homework. He has a gifted IQ but currently has two low D’s in two classes.

The reason my son does so poorly in school is mostly due to his executive functioning deficits  and the fact that teachers won’t provide the support he needs in that area.

[ Take This Test If You Think Your Child Has Oppositional Defiant Disorder ]

Ask for a parent-teacher meeting to address missing assignments, and ask the teacher to accommodate your son by reminding him to turn things in. Read this: ADHD in Middle School Survival Guide .

As for rushing through, I don’t know what to do. Individuals with ADHD are only motivated when something is of interest — it’s the way their brains work. I keep reminding myself that grades aren’t everything, but it does hurt his self-esteem.

Posted by Penny ADDitude community moderator, author on ADHD parenting, mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism

Rushing through homework is so common and kids with ADHD. One thing that I really love for these students is called “designated homework time.” It’s basically based on the premise that kids should have about 10 minutes of homework per grade level. So a third grader should have about 30 minutes of homework, a 6th grader about 60 minutes of homework, and so on.

[ Smart Homework Strategies for Teachers & Parents: A Free Handout ]

If your child is miraculously doing homework for, say, a third grader in three minutes, even though you know they have a lot more, you can set the time expectation and say, “All right, Jimmy, you’re going to have 30 minutes to do your homework each day even if you say you have none at all.” Then, set the timer and make sure that Jimmy has this designated homework time. Even if he says he’s done, he still has to read for pleasure, or practice his math facts. That set period of time really reduces rushing because kids know that they’re not going to get up and be able to play XBox after three minutes.

Also keep in mind that sometimes when kids rush, they have a hard time paying attention to detail. It’s not just that they want to make us upset or that they ignore when you say, “Go back and check your work.” Instead what you want to say is, “As you’re doing your homework and you come to one that’s hard for you, circle that one so then you can go back at the end and work through that with a little bit more time.”

I also encourage younger kids to make a game out of it and I’ll say, “Okay, let’s say that you’re going to review five questions that were hard for you. Put a little box on the upper right hand corner of your worksheet and every time you go back and you check one of those hard questions, give yourself a tally mark.” For every set number of tally marks, kids can earn a reward.

Posted by Ann Dolin, M.Ed. Founder of Educational Connections, and author of Homework Made Simple

Defiant Over Homework: A Reader Answers

My daughter is 15 years old, and has struggled with homework all through school. Each night, my wife or I checked all homework and made her fix errors or rewrite things that were rushed or poorly done.

She eventually figured out we were not going to let her get away with a rush job. There were no video games, TV shows, or other activities until we said the evening’s assignments were complete. Our kids loved to read so we even took away books.

Eventually, we got an IEP. For one accommodation, the teacher checked and initialed her assignment book at the end of the day and asked if everything was turned in at the same time. The school had a computerized system so we could track missing work.

Part of the problem is her backpack and binders looked like an explosion went off. Our new system seems to be working. Straight A’s this last report card.

Take it one step at a time and teach the behavior you want your son to follow. Give yourself kudos for caring so much.

Posted by Augie

My daughter rushes through homework, too! I’ve been diligently checking it and making her correct where needed. But she recently had her first big “project” that I knew was going to drive me crazy, requiring hours of research and typing.

I made a couple of attempts to start her working on it. She hurried through, doing sloppy work, continually asking, “Can I stop now?” Then, I hit upon a solution that worked for us. I told her she had to work for 30 minutes before a break, and even if she “finished,” she’d have to read in a text book.

This eliminated her desire to hurry-up-and-finish because there was nothing to look forward to. She kept a close eye on the count-down timer, but actually slowed down with her work. It took quite a few 30 minute sessions, with nice-sized breaks in-between, but she got it done, and nicely, too. And as an added bonus, there was a lot less whining.

She doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to make the 30-minute rule apply to daily homework, too!

Posted by Fair Hope

We found that using an “ADHD watch,” which vibrates every 5 minutes has helped our son refocus when doing homework (and at school) while on the computer. Since he doesn’t seem to be able to judge the passing of time, this lets him know it has been 5 minutes and he needs to refocus. He could easily “go down a rabbit hole” for hours following links without realizing it.

We also instituted a reward system where I pay him if he completes an assignment correctly within “x” amount of time and he pays me if he doesn’t. Homework got done very quickly after the first time he paid me!

Posted by kfwellman

My son gets a half hour of “down time” after school and before starting homework, but , he doesn’t get to start video games until after the work is done. If he gets into that game mindset, he won’t want to stop and then it becomes a battle to get him off it. So, he can play, watch a little TV, or whatever for a half hour, and then it’s homework time. When the homework is done, he is rewarded with a half hour of video game time.

I’ve also read many times that, in addition to making them feel successful, the video games make them feel like this is the ONE area of their lives over which they have some control, which actually helps his behavior and defiance. I mean, think about it: They struggle all day and have difficulties with peers, teachers and their own feeling of self-worth, but, when it comes to video games, they are the ones in control for a change. It also has to do with the instant gratification they get from the games. That’s why they are so addictive. So, the games do a number of things for them.

I don’t like taking the games away as punishment because I know that the games do all these things for my son, but I try to make it clear where the games fall on the hierarchy of priorities, and sometimes I do have to use them to get my son to do what he needs to do.

Posted by JAMurphy

My son is 15 and I don’t believe he’s too motivated either. Fortunately, the grades have been okay, but he hates to do homework and he did not study for his final exams. It seems that school just taxes him and when he gets home, the thought of having to concentrate just does him in behaviorally.

I try not to overreact to all of this (It’s hard sometimes!), and I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that he probably never will like school. It’s just not an ADHD-friendly place, unfortunately. Each semester, I meet with teachers to explain his challenges. Organization is a huge one for my son. I tell them that these are brain issues, not attitude issues. I don’t want to baby my son, but it is hard to find the balance between helping and being over-involved. I tell him he needs to fulfill his responsibilities and that I am always available to help him if needed.

I try to remind my son that his schoolwork is for himself , not me or his father. I told him that when he doesn’t do well or chooses not to do something, he’s not letting me down. Then I ask him who he’s letting down and he always knows the answer. “Me,” he says. I try to tell him that making the effort is like giving himself a gift. Sometimes he buys this, sometimes not.

So my mindset these days is to try and get through with the least abount of damage possible. At the same time, I try to find and use my son’s gifts and talents outside of school so he has things to feel good about. I don’t take away sports as a consequence because he needs it, for example.

Also, if you haven’t read Chris Dendy’s book on teenagers and ADHD, it is an absolute must-read. It helped me a lot. One of her best pieces of advice was, “Give yourself permission to be more involved with your child that you normally would.” These kids need someone who loves them no matter what.

Posted by momto3kids

[ Free Resource: Proven Homework Help for Kids with ADHD ]

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My Teen Won’t Do Homework. How Can I Fix This?

Meet Jake, a 15-year-old ninth grader, who rarely, if ever, does his homework. Jake’s teachers report that he is inconsistent. He enjoys learning about topics that interest him but seems unfocused during class and fails to complete necessary schoolwork, both in class and at home. Although his grades are suffering , Jake makes no effort to improve his circumstances. His frustrated parents find that their only recourse is nagging and con­stant supervision.

Sound familiar? When a teen won’t do homework , we call this behavior work inhibition. Here are some common characteris­tics of work inhibited students:

• Disorganization
• Lack of follow-through
• Inability to work indepen­dently; more likely to do work when a teacher or par­ent hovers close by
• Lack of focus
• Avoidance of work
• Lack of passion about school, despite ability and intelligence
• Negative attitude; self-conscious and easily discouraged

How can a parent help when a teen refuses to do school homework? First, try to uncover the root of the problem and then devise solutions based on that reason.

3 Reasons Why Teens Don’t Complete Homework and What to Do:

1. missing skills.

The most common rea­son for lack of motivation is a gap in skills. Unplanned absences or a heavy extracurricular load can contribute to skill gaps, even in otherwise bright teens. If you suspect a skill gap, act quickly to have your teen assessed. Your school guidance counselor can recommend the right resources.

2. Poor habits

Poor work habits can also contribute to work inhibition. Try to focus on a work system rather than the work itself with your teen. Set small goals to­gether and teach your teen to set small goals for him or herself. Try to take frequent notice of your teen’s effort and progress.

3. Lack of confidence

Often, students who are work inhibited fear being wrong and won’t ask questions when they need help. Teach your teen that everyone makes mistakes. Help them see these mistakes as another opportunity for learning.

What Parents Can Do to Promote Self-Sufficiency

1. offer limited help with homework.

Parents can offer limited help with homework.  Try to avoid micromanaging the process. When you micromanage, the mes­sage you send is that your teen will fail if you aren’t involved. When you show confidence in your teen’s ability to complete the task with­out you, your teen’s motivation and self-esteem will increase.

3. Resist lecturing

Ask your teen for ways you can help, but don’t lec­ture. Lectures about poor work habits and constant reminders about the negative consequences of unfinished homework can cre­ate more dependency.

3. Empower your teenager

Chores are a great way to empower teens . Delegating demonstrates your confidence in their ability. Try assigning tasks related to an area of interest. If your teen en­joys trying new foods, delegate the preparation and cooking of dinner one night each week.

4. Focus on strengths

Focus on strengths rath­er than pointing out your teen’s faults. When your teen succeeds, give genuine, specific praise. When you need to discuss expectations or problems use a matter-of-fact tone instead of an emotional tone.

Once you and your teen agree on the underlying problem, then the two of you can develop a plan to help create a self-sufficient student.

Martina McIsaac is executive director of Huntington Learning Centers.

Home » Tools for Your 15-Year-Old » Homework for Your 15-Year-Old

Homework for Your 15-Year-Old

Listen to an audio file of this tool.

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your 15-year-old teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship, and setting up a daily homework routine provides a perfect opportunity.

Teens and emerging young adults age 15 are in the process of adapting their early school-age learning habits to meet their more demanding workload. They are in the process of establishing critical learning habits, including how they approach research and study, that will extend throughout their school years. In addition to managing daily homework assignments, fifteen-to-nineteen-year-olds will be assigned longer-term projects as well. These may include research, writing, coordinating with a group, and reading novels or longer works of nonfiction. Frequently, teachers leave the planning and organizing of those projects up to the students. In these situations, teens may be challenged not only by having to tackle new, more difficult content, but also figuring out how to work on the project over time. This can be a great test of patience.

For most teens, homework is a nightly and ongoing reality. And, research shows a parent or someone in a parenting role plays a key role. Teens who have a parent or someone in a parenting role involved in supporting their learning at home and engaged in their school community have more consistent attendance, better social skills, and higher grade point averages and test scores than those teens without. 1 Indeed, the best predictor of students’ academic achievement is parental involvement.

Yet, there are challenges. You may discover outdated and incomplete assignments crumpled in your teen’s backpack. Or, your teen may procrastinate on a long-term project until it becomes a crisis the night before it’s due. Questioning their work may result in power struggles when they have other goals in mind.

While getting a regular homework routine going might be a challenge, it can be a positive experience and promote valuable skills for school and life success. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters to support a homework routine in cooperative ways without a daily struggle.

Why Homework?

Teens and emerging young adults are managing a larger and more complex workload and new study skills along with longer-term projects. This will take a whole new level of planning and organization. Layered in with the day-to-day school assignments, there may also be future academic goals they want to reach (like going to college), which will require planning and incremental action steps. Schoolwork and school goals can become your daily challenges if you don’t create regular routines with input from your teen in advance, clarify roles and responsibilities, and establish a plan for success.

Today, in the short term, homework routines can create

• greater cooperation and motivation;
• greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you each implement your respective roles and feel set up for success;
• trust in each other that you have the competence to complete your responsibilities with practice and care;
• less frustration due to better organization, space, and resources;
• opportunities to learn about your teen’s school curriculum; and
• added daily peace of mind.

Tomorrow, in the long term, your teen

• builds skills in collaboration and cooperative goal setting;
• builds skills in responsible decision making, hard work, and persistence;
• gains independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency; and
• develops positive learning habits that contribute directly to school success.

Five Steps for Creating a Homework Routine

This five-step process helps your family establish a routine for homework. It also builds important skills in your teen. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues as well ( learn more about the process ).

These steps are done best when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush.

Intentional communication and a healthy parenting relationship support these steps.

Step 1. Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your teen thinking about establishing a homework routine by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt their thinking. You’ll also begin to better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to homework so that you can address them. In gaining input, your teen

• has the opportunity to think through the routine and problem solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time;
• has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership, comes a greater responsibility for implementing the routine);
• will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership; and
• will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about a critical aspect of their learning — their homework.
• Declare learning independence! Begin by letting your teen know that they are in charge of their own learning and you are there to be a support whenever they request it. You know that a consistent routine will help everyone in the family respect your teen’s time and schedule when it comes to getting down to work. Because one of your teen’s top developmental priorities is declaring independence, articulating and recognizing that you will respect that priority is key to success with this age group.
• “Considering all of the activities that typically take place after school, when is the best time for you to do homework?”
• “How can I be helpful in supporting you getting your homework done?”
• Experiment to figure out a plan. Your teen has changed since their younger years along with the demands of their homework, so it’s an ideal time to revisit the question of when your teen feels they’ll be at their best to tackle homework in the hours after school. Ask key questions and assign a first trial week. If one time doesn’t work, try out an after-dinner time and ask again: “Does this time work better?” Everyone has different energy cycles and times when they feel better able to focus, so work on discovering that rhythm with your teen, and you’ll go a long way toward setting them up for success!
• Once you agree upon a time that makes sense for all, your attempts to keep that time sacred and consistent for homework are important to ensure it becomes a habit and routine. If you are consistent, it can serve as a predictable, non-negotiable process. Your teen will know what to expect and when to expect it.
• Take note of the time your teen says it is best to do homework. Agree upon a timer that can go off at that time each day. Instead of you calling, “Time for homework,” which may incite a battle, an inanimate, dispassionate object is alerting them. You can use a kitchen timer outside or inside, or collaboratively set an alarm on their cell phone or tablet.
• If your teen has decided to do homework right after school, be certain they know to have a healthy high protein snack first (peanut butter crackers, cheese, fruit, etc.). The social stress and expectations of school may be draining and could wear on a teen’s motivation to continue to work hard through the evening. Be sure they have the fuel necessary (through proper nutrition and a good night’s rest) to get through their work.
• Your teen may feel like it’s necessary to stay up all night studying for a test particularly if they have procrastinated studying. Know and share the facts! Your teen is more likely to get a higher score with a good night’s rest than with a full night of studying and less sleep.
• a well-lit location (or get a lamp to light up a preferred spot);
• close proximity to your family’s living space or kitchen (wherever you’ll typically be so that you are never far to offer support);
• a durable work surface that can get dirty.
• School supplies including loose leaf paper, pens, pencils, pencil sharpeners, a dictionary, and any other items they anticipate they might need.
• No clutter. In fact, a disorganized environment can distract from a teen’s focus. So, work with them to eliminate clutter, organize tools, and only have the essentials at hand. Invest in a few supply holders to keep tools neat and ready.
• A binder, bin, or other receptacle designated for school papers that are brought home and stay at home.
• A water bottle at the ready to hydrate while working.
• The goal of their homework space is to provide a well-equipped, consistent place for your teen to fully focus on the work at hand. In this way, they’ll know what they can expect. You won’t have to struggle over frustrations when they can’t find a school tool. And, they’ll learn to take greater responsibility for their learning as they work with you to organize this space.
• Create a family homework rule. Be sure to discuss (at a family dinner, for example) how the family can respect homework time. Consider if you want all siblings to do homework at the same time or not. If you want everyone to do homework at the same time, consider what would need to be in place to make that happen. Either way, agree upon a homework rule that each will respect the person who is focused on their work and will be quiet in that area of the house.
• Make it fun! Designing a homework spot together can be an enjoyable experience. Allow your teen to pick out their own organization bins and school tools. Perhaps they could make a sign with their name on it to designate the space? Or create a poster with an inspirational saying like, “Good things come from hard work!” Take a little time to label your new supply holders not only with names but also with stickers or drawings to allow your teen to personalize them. All this can be motivating as they make the space their own.
• When offering choices in designing a homework space that works best for your teen, they may prefer to set up a workspace in their bedroom because of their developmental desire for greater independence and privacy. If they do this, be sure you make a point of stopping in a few times – not to check up on them – but to offer your support.
• At the beginning of the school year, before you have to turn around a bad habit, talk about screen time as it relates to getting homework accomplished. Again, seek input. Ask, “What do you think our rules should be around cell phone use or friend communication during homework time? When is it appropriate and helpful? When is it distracting?” Talk about it to agree on a policy that seems reasonable to all.

Step 2. Teach New Skills by Interactive Modeling

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, it’s easy to forget that your teen is learning brand new study skills involving project management, organization, and planning. Though they may be assigned work they are capable of doing, they may not be prepared to manage the larger workload. Because so much is new, expectations are greater, and they feel like they should already know it all, they can become overwhelmed and frustrated. Learning about what developmental milestones your teen is working on can help you know which tasks might be more difficult. 2 , 3 Here are some examples as they relate to homework.

• Fifteen-year-olds are in the final year of major physical changes that occur in puberty. They may feel a bit insecure and sensitive to criticism. They may be preoccupied with peer interactions and impressions. Homework and academic goals are less important than socializing. Studying with friends may not work well at this age, because your teen may only focus on socializing and not on the work at hand. Though peers are highly influential, teens at this age still look to you for encouragement that they can handle the bigger expectations and work load. They may request your support with organization and planning for longer term projects or studying. But, because they are still attempting to assert their independence, they want to own their work and only desire your active involvement when they seek it. Also, strong friendships can help motivate your teen to work hard in school, so your coaching and support of their connections with friends can also make a difference with their academic goal achievement.
• Sixteen-year-olds are at the end of the awkwardness of their new physical being and are beginning to feel and appear more confident in themselves and who they are. They may have new important goals outside of school like learning to drive, getting a driver’s license, getting a part-time job, or trying out a romantic partnership. All these are critical steps for their exploration of adult life. But, these goals have to be balanced with academic goals. So, sharing and discussing possible strategies for juggling multiple goals along with how those goals can be managed effectively can help this age group.
• Seventeen-year-olds have more serious pursuits on their mind and may become highly focused on their academic and life goals as they consider the fact that their graduation is coming up and they’ll soon need to face life after high school. Some may be applying to colleges, and for those, that goal can require a lot of time and focus studying and applying to schools. It can become a highly stressful time, so your support during this time is critical to not only help them (as they request) organize and manage the process but also deal in healthy ways with the stress surrounding the process.
• Eighteen-year-olds and nineteen-year-olds are now considered emerging adults gaining the ability to vote and socially recognized as adults. Many will be entering college with a brand new set of academic goals and expectations. Because they are on the threshold of adulthood and perhaps facing living on their own for the first time, they may be eager to discuss the complexities of adult responsibilities. Most of all, they’ll need your listening and reflecting back. At times, they may exude confidence, while at other times they may feel highly insecure and run to you needing comfort and security. This is a time for redefining your relationship, so paying close attention to their needs, offering your assurance that they are ready and can do it on their own, all while allowing for their independence are some of your most important roles.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your teen up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, it is easy to be confused about how best to support your teen’s homework. Here are some specific ways you can define your role while ensuring your teen has full ownership over their learning process.

• “Where did you find this lesson in your book?”
• “What other places could you find the answer?”
• “What are other ways to think about your answer?”
• Share your curiosity and interest in the subject but do not provide an answer.
• Pick out a calendar together (a physical calendar or planner is preferable to a digital one since the physical act of writing seals the schedule more firmly into the creator’s brain).
• Write out a list of school and life goals. This may need to be revisited quarterly as classes and priorities change.
• Place deadlines in the schedule, guesstimate together the amount of time needed to work toward goals, and place milestones or benchmarks in the calendar to help your young adult see how much needs to be accomplished each day or each week. This kind of planning and organizing can go a long way toward helping your teen achieve their school and life goals today while establishing valuable practices and habits for their future.

One of the best investments you can make for this age group is a planner. Visit an office supply store together and help them pick out a favorite one along with highlighters, pens, file folders, index cards, and any other organizational supplies you think might be useful. When you get back home, work on plotting out deadlines together for papers, projects, and studying as a model example for the coming year. Show your teen how adults operate in the work world.

• Focus on keywords so that they can learn to spot key words.
• Attempt to read and review together. Because text is denser and more complex, teens may feel overwhelmed with information and struggle to focus on the most important points.
• Ask your teen which points are most important when you are talking about a problem.
• Have your teen underline or highlight those words in the instructions or in the specific question they are trying to answer so that you have a focusing point.
• Note that symbolism and abstract meanings may be more of a struggle for this age group. Abstract thinking is being developed, but it’s new so it requires some exercise. Have patience and be aware that it’s normal and related to a development milestone.
• Research together. If you cannot find the source of the problem in your teen’s books, then do some online research together. But, be certain that you allow your teen to drive the process. You might ask, “What should we look up or search for together?” These are the first seeds of strong research skills.
• You might ask, “What else makes you feel better and comforted when you are frustrated?” Brainstorm a brief list of spaces, places, things, and actions that offer comfort when frustrated. Leave that list in your school tool homework space. It will serve as an ongoing resource when brain breaks are required.
• If you take brain breaks from your own work, what do you do? Share some success stories of how it’s worked for you!
• You do not need to be subject matter experts EVER! If you find that you are struggling to get the right answer for yourself, take a step back. Realize that you are stealing a learning opportunity away from your teen. Instead, consider how you can provide the guidance and support for them to answer the question or solve the problem themselves (even if they get it wrong). Ask yourself how you can encourage them to take responsibility to meet with their teacher after school or talk it over with peers.

Though you may make comments you feel are empathizing with your teen’s predicament, be careful! Criticizing the work assigned, the teacher who assigned it, or the school’s policies will become demotivating for your teen. After all, why should they work hard if you don’t agree with what’s been assigned?

Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Homework practice can take the form of cooperatively completing the task together or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your teen practices.

• Use “I’d love to see…” statements. When a teen learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “I’d love to see how you problem solve this in a different way.” This can be used when your teen feels stuck or is missing important steps.
• Do a “brain break” dry run. In the midst of homework one night, maybe at a natural breaking point, practice a “brain break.” Practice moving away from homework. Get a drink of water. Walk outside and sniff the fresh air. Then, go back and ask, “Do you feel refreshed and ready, or do you need a little more time?” If your teen responds they need more time, then what would make them feel better? Perhaps getting a snack or taking a walk might do the trick? This practice is important if you plan to use it as a tool when your teen is really upset.
• Recognize effort. Recognize effort by saying “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you got to work this afternoon without me asking. That’s taking leadership!”
• Proactively remind. Often the challenges in a homework routine seem to recur day after day and may be predictable. You might know exactly what they are and when they are going to happen. So, just before they do, remind in a gentle, non-public way. You may whisper in your teen’s ear, “Remember what we can do next to figure out the problem? What is it?”

Resist the temptation to nag. Teens may require more time to work on an assignment than you feel is necessary. But, they need the time they need. Be sure to wait long enough for them to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they are able to do what you need them to do.

Step 4. Support Your Teen’s Development and Success

At this point, you’ve taught your teen several new positive learning habits so that they understand how to perform them. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed. Parents naturally offer support as they see their teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

• Promote a learning attitude. Show every confidence that your teen can learn anything with time and practice (because they truly can!). Your comments and reflections will matter greatly in how competent they feel to meet any learning challenge.
• Ask key questions when your teen struggles. You could say, “It looks like you feel stuck. Is there another way you could approach the problem? How are you feeling about homework tonight?”
• Coach on communications. You might notice your teen struggling and getting stuck even with your support. You might then say, “Seems like you are having trouble figuring this problem out and cannot find the answer in your resources. This would be a good time to ask your teacher about this problem. You might say, ‘Mrs. Johnson, I struggled with this one. Can you help me?’”
• Stay engaged. It can be motivating for a teen when a parent does their own paperwork alongside them keeping them company. Working together, after all, is much more enjoyable than working alone.
• Allow for and reflect on real world consequences. If you see a mistake on your teen’s paper, don’t correct it. You’ll be taking away a valuable learning opportunity. You could leave it alone altogether or ask once, “Do you feel like this is right or are you struggling with it? ” If your teen confirms it’s the answer they want to give, then allow them the experience of their teacher correcting it. It’s an important learning opportunity. It may open a door to extra support from their teacher.
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process . First, get your own feelings in check. Not only is this good modeling, when your feelings are in check you are able to provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your teen into a discussion about the expectations established in Step 2. Third, if you feel that your teen is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), then apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

If you groan that it’s homework time, surely your teen will groan as well. Become aware of your own reactions to homework. Be sure that the tone and attitude you bring to homework is one of digging in, being curious, and learning.

A research study noted whether mothers’ comments during homework completion were controlling or supporting autonomy and competence. 4 The researchers concluded that those children who brought worries about their ability to perform had a heightened sensitivity to their mothers’ comments. Moms who supported their autonomy – “I know you can do it!” – and demonstrated that they believed in their child’s ability to do the work predicted increased achievement over time. However, those mothers who were more controlling in their comments – “I need to check your work. That’s not right” – predicted less engagement and lower achievement in their children.

Step 5. Recognize Effort and Quality to Foster Motivation

No matter how old your child is, your praise and encouragement are their sweetest reward.

If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worth your while to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way to promoting positive behaviors and helping your child manage their feelings. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

You can recognize your teen’s efforts with praise, high fives, and hugs. Praise is most effective when you name the specific behavior of which you want to see more. For example, “You took a brain break and came back and worked through that challenging problem. Well done!”

Avoid bribes. A bribe is a promise for a behavior, while praise is special attention after the behavior. While bribes may work in the short term, praise grows lasting motivation for good behavior and effort. For example, instead of saying, “If you get your homework completed before dinner, I will let you have extra screen time after dinner” (which is a bribe), try recognizing the behavior after. “You worked hard to complete your homework. Love seeing that!”

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when all is moving along smoothly. When your teen is buzzing through their homework tasks and on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed. “I notice you completed your homework today. Yes! Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments – like the entire homework routine to go smoothly – in order to recognize. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, “We’ll get our business taken care of first with our homework, and then we’ll take a bike ride.” Include high fives, fist bumps, and hugs as ways to appreciate one another.

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that builds your skills as an effective parent to use on many other issues and builds important skills that will last a lifetime for your teen. Throughout this tool, there are opportunities for teens to become more self-aware, to deepen their social awareness, to exercise their self-management skills, to work on their relationship skills, and to demonstrate and practice responsible decision making.

[ 1 ] Henderson, A.T., Mapp, K.L., Johnson, V.R., & Davies, D. (2007). Beyond the bake sale: The essential guide to family-school partnerships. NY: The New York Press.

[ 2 ] centers for disease control and prevention. (2018). teenagers (15-17 years of age). retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment/positiveparenting/adolescence2.html on sept. 4, 2018., [ 3 ] parent further. (2018). ages 15-18: developmental overview. search institute. retrieved from https://www.parentfurther.com/content/ages-15-18-developmental-overview on sept. 4, 2018., [ 4 ] fei-yin ng, f., kenney-benson, g.a., & pomerantz, e.m. (2004). children’s achievement moderates the effects of mothers’ use of control and autonomy support. child development. vol. 75, 3, 764-780., recommended citation: center for health and safety culture. (2020). homework. ages 15-19. retrieved from https://parentingmontana.org..

ParentingMontana.org was supported [in part] by CFDA 93.959 and 93.243 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), and by the Preschool Development Grant Birth through Five Initiative (PDG B-5), Grant Number 90TP0026-01-00, from the Office of Child Care, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, and by the Montana State General Fund. The views and opinions contained do not necessarily reflect those of SAMHSA, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, or the Montana Department of Health and Human Services, and should not be construed as such.

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Homeschooling Ideas for a 15-Year-Old

By Alyson Long Last Modified: June 8, 2024 4 Comments Any post on this site may contain affiliate links. If you use them, they cost you nothing extra. We make a small commission.

Hi there, how’s your day going? So you Googled “Homeschooling Ideas For a 15-Year-Old”. Guess what, I have a homeschooled 15-year-old and we’ve been homeschooling forever so I’m full of handy tips and ideas that, hopefully, will help you out.

Table of Contents

Homeschooling a 15-Year-Old

15-year-olds are very different to their younger siblings. Of course, they’re all different, but I found my 15 year old became a lot easier to home educate with age.

He progressively became interested in more and more topics and actually wanted to learn. Mostly, we can leave him to his own devices and he picks up some really cool knowledge, but a few ideas below to help you out.

I’ll say here, before we progress, that right at the end of my child’s 15th year, we put our homeschooler in school. An online school. It was his first taste of formal education and at a high-school level . He loved it. He’s loving this new experience. As it’s only a few hours per week with no tedious school commute, he’s still pretty much free, but he’s thriving, having not had a whole childhood to learn to not like learning. He’s genuinely interested in the subjects he’s taking. I still fully believe that school is the worst place to get an education , but this online option has been fantastic for him. Most people would still call this homeschooling, I don’t, because I’m barely involved any more. Outsourcing to teachers has lifted weight off my shoulders.

Problems With Homeschooling a 15-Year-Old Teenager

He has a tendency to sleep ’till noon and be a night owl. That doesn’t work with my body clock so it’s a problem for me, but a normal teen sleep pattern.

He can also chat to his mates online for days on end. We have to prize him away occasionally. But he’s cool, he’s a good kid and we’re hugely proud of him

Movies and TV Shows

Online courses suitable for a 15 year old, formal online learning for 15-year-olds.

Both of my children are now taking classes in a formal school-type way. This school prepares kids to sit iGCSEs from almost anywhere in the world. They can sit the exams or not, that’s their choice. There are many ways homeschooled kids can sit exams like this.

General Gaming Can Be Hugely Educational

Don’t believe me? The things my sons picked up from gaming really blow me away, daily. They become hugely involved in gaming and pick up all sorts of skills and knowledge along the way.

I have a history-loving teen and another teen who fancies himself as a streamer and YouTuber. Both interests are intense and fascinating and skills and facts have come from gaming and being involved in the online world.

I make a living online, I’m a professional blogger. My laptop is my constant companion and I have a lot of skills you wouldn’t believe. My kids are learning so many skills through practice and they’re learning them as teens through having fun. I really don’t get why so many parents are afraid of screens,. Screens are the modern world, they’re how we do everything and tech skills are vital.

Books and Reading For 15-Year-Olds

Let them read what they want. If, by 15, they are showing literary leanings and want to study English Literature, then sure, there will be set books that they need to read. If they don’t want or need to read high-brow or classic literature and poems then they don’t need to. It’s very simple, do what you need and want to do, or do what you enjoy for the sheer pleasure of it.

Art for 15-Year-Olds

My 15-year-old homeschooler sketches and has been known to watch YouTube tutorials on how to draw a nose and suchlike, but his interest ends there. He doesn’t want to be an artist. He is fairly interested in art history, so he’ll learn a bit about that from various online sources, but no, we’re not formally pursuing art.

Sports and Activities – PE

My 15 year old learned to scuba dive. So that was a massive homeschooling win. With scuba diving you also have to pass an exam, his first exam ever, so we were pretty pleased with that. It’s basically a science exam.

Many homeschool groups – if you live in a big city- have sports teams and events just for homeschoolers. Connect with your local homeschool group. Check that they have teens, some don’t, and see what activities they have lined up.

If you’re concerned that your kid just needs to get up and get active for the sake of their health, how about something like active gaming? That’s fun for the whole family. We cycle everywhere, we got rid of our car to save the planet so with no choice other than to run, cycle or walk everywhere, we stay pretty fit.

Workbooks and School Books

For young kids workbooks get them writing, help with literacy and are just something to do. By 15 workbooks are thin on the ground.

Socialisation and Making Friends For Teenaged Homeschoolers

Your 15-year-old isn’t my 15-year-old. You may have a teen with a huge social need. I don’t. My teen is pretty happy just doing his own thing.

The pandemic removed a lot of social interaction and meant we were confined to a home that wasn’t really our home. We know very few people in the town our house is in and our family are scattered all over the world. But some things are still working.

We’ve managed to get outdoors and mingling through volunteering. Conservation work gives us all some needed social interaction and is a good way to make friends. Outdoor sporting and exercise endeavours like running, cycling, and hiking, sometimes in groups, get us out of the house and mingling, from a safe distance.

Something we enjoy, are classes, practical classes like metalwork or cooking, kayaking, surfing, I’m sure you can think of more. These are available in your area, normally aimed at tourists.

Enjoy Homeschool Life With Teens

I hope our post and first-hand experiences are useful to your family. We love our lifestyle and spending time, all day, every day, with my teens is not something I’ve ever complained about. They will be gone far too soon. Make the most of it.

Hi I’m seriously looking into homeschooling my 15year old as shes being bullied at school verbally and physically and getting her into school is heartbreaking for her and me, but I dont want to mess up her education at this stage. Is there a guide to what she needs to be doing for gsce level?

We never had that problem Amie. There’s a very good book “Hold onto your Kids” I’ll give you a link, it’s about how damaging peer v parent attachment is for the child, the family, and society, and how to win teens back if you already lost them. I have no problem with gaming by the way, it’s fun, they can have fun. Most of the day we were busy with various stuff. Take a look here -> https://amzn.to/3RFc4X8

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How to Homeschool a 15 Year Old

When homeschooling a 15 year old, you should find a curriculum that focuses on advanced topics such as geometric transformations, examining the influence of word choice on meaning and tone, thermochemical equations and the impact of ancient civilizations in modern culture.

If you need assistance finding a curriculum that meets these educational objectives, we’ve provided the following information. It offers compelling advice on subjects such as:

What Should a 15 Year Old Be Learning?

How to start homeschooling a 15 year old, what should a curriculum for a 15 year old look like, how time4learning helps you homeschool your 15 year old, tips for homeschooling a 15 year old.

Learning activities for 15 year olds generally cover language arts, chemistry, geometry, and world history. But some curriculum products offer a more expansive selection of subjects, such as algebra II and physics. What lessons you choose depends on your student’s skill level. Also, don’t forget about electives , Time4Learning offers 14 of them in different areas like health, science and more. Students at this age appreciate the variety, and electives play a valuable role in a well-rounded education.

Additional topics your students should be learning include:

• Geometric modeling in two and three dimensions
• Probability with Combinations and Permutations
• Comparing Arguments from Diverse Perspectives
• Building and Refining Compound and Complex Sentences
• Atomic Numbers and Electron Configurations
• Nuclear Fission and Nuclear Fusion
• Absolutism and the rising tide of revolution
• The impact of science and technology on our society

There is a list of things to consider before you start homeschooling a 15 year old. But before you do, invite your child to review the list with you. This should be a team effort, especially now that your child is a young adult and probably taking more interest in their education.

You action list should include:

• Step 1:   Investigating your state laws , especially about compulsory attendance. Most states vary on the number of days per year that you are required to homeschool your child.
• Step 2: Exploring several curriculum and curricula possibilities. Allow your child to make suggestions here — after all, they’re the ones who are using the products.
• Step 3: Creating the first draft of your goals and objectives. They’ll probably change so remain flexible.
• Step 4: Brainstorming about the schedule. It doesn’t have to be traditional, you can start and stop learning at any time. This is your classroom now.
• Step 5: Finding opportunities for building socialization skills. Team sports, homeschooling groups, field trips with friends — the options are nearly endless.
• Step 6: Incorporating technology into your daily lessons. Use online curriculum options, STEM activities or other options that your students enjoy.

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Start planning out your homeschooling days with this free easy to use daily planner.

Get Started With This Daily Planner

There is no one perfect curriculum or curricula, but many parents find that their teens prefer an option that includes interactive lessons, videos, and teacher engagement on an online platform. It gives their students the flexibility and independence to login to their account at any time and start working.

Your kids may also enjoy this option, but before you make up your mind, you should also look for these additional benefits:

• An automatic grading system that tracks your child’s progress, keeps reports for homeschool portfolio usage.
• Experienced teachers that engage your students with humor while helping them master more difficult concepts.
• Complete lesson plans that come with instructions, activities, tools and experienced guidance by teachers.
• Interactive learning activities in language arts, chemistry, geometry, and world history, plus a variety of electives.
• An all-inclusive scope and sequence that will help you and your student plan out their sophomore year and meet their learning objectives.
• A student-paced learning system that provides your child with ample time to fully understand the concepts.
• Opportunities for students to reach out and communicate with other students to share their experiences and find friendship.

Time4Learning offers interactive lessons, instructional videos, teacher engagement, a variety of graphic organizers, written and spoken materials, hands-on activities and parental tools that make homeschooling a 15 year old a less stressful endeavor.

You don’t have to necessarily teach your students as much as manage their academic progress through the year. This is, after all, the time when independent learning is encouraged and teens are expected to take a larger role in their education. Time4Learning helps facilitate this transition by offering benefits such as:

• Parent forums and tools that make the day-to-day duties of homeschooling much less stressful.
• A diverse group of experienced teachers that direct students through the content by combining attentive instruction and positive reinforcement.
• A curriculum program that promotes independent learning while building confidence in your student’s ability to learn new skills.
• An automatic grading system that tracks your child’s progress, and an activity scheduling tool that minimizes your administrative workload.
• No contracts and the flexibility to start, stop, or pause membership at any time.
• A 10th grade curriculum that is designed to meet national standards.
• A secure, ad-free online experience that your child can access 24/7 from wherever the internet is available.

Time4Learning isn’t the only homeschooling program you can use for homeschooling your 15 year old. You can compare Time4Learning to other popular online curricula , to measure the pros and cons of each product, or use a mix of curriculum providers to meet your needs.

Independence plays a pivotal role in how to homeschool a 15 year old. The truth is, your kids are growing up and they don’t want their parents so acutely involved in their “business.” That’s fine but like it or not, they still need your guidance. So, how do you provide that guidance without being overly intrusive? It’s like a game parents play, and these tips will help you win.

• Instead of providing face-to-face instructions on what their assignments or objectives are for the week, email them. Managers communicate by email all the time.
• If you sense that your child is having problems with an assignment, ask open ended questions. This technique encourages a more emphatic response.
• Give them the freedom to investigate hobbies or other interests on their own, with the agreement that they will keep you updated on their progress.
• Let your 15 year old do chores on their own. For example, give your child a food list and drop them off at the grocery store. Allow them to pick out the products and stay within the budget. Or have them google a recipe and cook a meal for the family.
• Use an online curriculum product that teaches your students to interact with various programs. This interaction will improve important research, organizational and critical thinking skills.
• Remove your child’s phone from the classroom area, especially if it becomes a distraction. This encourages a single-minded focus on the tasks at hand.
• Have them read independently on a daily basis — even if it’s not school work. Comics, trade mags, online articles, books, or entertainment commentary all improve reading proficiency.

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15-year old taking too long with homework

We have a 15-year old, standard-issue geeky honors student. Good all-around. We have a problem with his homework. I think it's a problem with attention management.

Here's the deal - sophomore year, and his first year of all honors courses. He'd had learning problems and OT issues in grade school but generally grew out of it, and he did great freshman year. Go to his room, do his homework, by 8:30 pm he's done and doing other things.

This year his grades are still good, but... the homework. I know kids in honors classes can get a lot of homework, but for him, it's hours and hours. After a lot of frustrating diagnosis, I think I figured out what it is. He spaces out... really bad. This is even after we get rid of all distractions, etc. If I'm in the same room with him and checking on him frequently (like every 10 minutes) he has no problem doing it in the allotted time. (Which can still be 2-3 hours every night, a lot but still manageable.) But without proctoring, he can go 20 minutes just doing nothing, and do it again and again, dragging it out for many hours. He once pulled an actual all-nighter, which we found out about the next morning. Not good.

Why does he have this problem managing attention? And how can we assist with this? We can't let his junior year be a repeat of this year.

Any idea what might be going on?

(p.s. he doesn't want to drop out of honors because he's gotten to the point where he finds main-sequence courses boring and repetitious)

• 1 Does he have other things he'd rather be doing? Your description doesn't seem to make its sound like he's procrastinating. If he finished his homework on time, what would he then be doing? –  DKNguyen Commented Jun 11, 2022 at 20:15
• If he finished on time... practicing guitar (which he enjoys), goofing off, whatever he wants really. I would think he'd be motivated to get it done on time. I'm wasn't the same as him at that age, if anything I'd do a quick & dirty job on my homework just to have it done. –  J B NY Commented Jun 13, 2022 at 1:31
• @RoryAlsop’s answer is excellent, and definitely the way to approach it. If that doesn’t work, background noise might. It’s possible that no distractions is a distraction in itself. Some people need music or noise of some kind to concentrate. –  anongoodnurse Commented Jun 14, 2022 at 13:09
• Where do you live where a child is expected to do two to three hours of homework per night? That's already excessive to begin with. –  nick012000 Commented Jun 22, 2022 at 20:23
• Seems the problem here is the quantity of homework. There’s little evidence that formal homework of any sort is useful at that age - let alone that amount. –  rhialto Commented Jun 26, 2022 at 21:52

2 Answers 2

From the description given, it's also a possibility that ADHD / Autism is having an effect, I'll focus on ADHD as the diagnosis I got and opinions prior simply stated they had a lot of overlap.

According to the NHS a couple of symptoms have been covered, notably inattentiveness and often swapping of activities. Going through school I never did homework, unless watched over by a teacher/parent, which is common according to the doctor that diagnosed me.

This was bought on by it just not being stimulating.

Anecdotally, nothing really needed to change as everything that needed doing gets done so long as there's a deadline. For people with ADHD, something usually needs to "prompt" action and enforce it gets done, in this case it's you checking on him in my case it was usually "If I don't start now, it I will physically not have the time".

Here are some possible things that could help:

You could try create some form of artificial deadline such as must be done before X or Y will happen. Though don't try to force this to hard as some people bounce off of these hard.

Leave at least some form of distraction, maybe not things such as games but things like a fidget cube that will offer some distraction whilst not taking full cognitive attention. (ADHD can cause problems from over and under stimulation)

As suggested in the other answer set up a timer of uptime/downtime to reset attention.

I often find myself zoning out for extended periods, and then fidgeting and trying to find something interesting to do once I do because I'm no longer capable of not doing so.

I don't have a perfect example to compare against however, I'm from England where homework doesn't really matter if it doesn't get done (so it didn't). My coursework for my degree was usually done at the last second however.

• Hi Cassie, and welcome! I have to agree that ADHD was one of my thoughts as well, so it’s nice to hear from someone who has experienced this. Do you have any recommendations for the OP that might help? I’m getting the idea that the answer you gave is, it will get done. Is this right? Thanks. –  anongoodnurse Commented Jun 19, 2022 at 12:08
• Am starting to wonder if it's ADHD... grades from his finals came back and they were horrible, in spite of him studying constantly for it. When I asked him why the bad grades, he admitted he wasn't able to complete -any- of his tests. We've discussed the need for him to show at least some work for all problems to get partial credit, but somehow if he doesn't have consistent redirection, something goes off the rails. –  J B NY Commented Jun 25, 2022 at 15:05
• 1 This turned out to be it. ADHD inattentive. That's a variant of never heard of. It's the attention deficit without the hyperactivity and tends to be UNDER-diagnosed, particularly among girls. –  J B NY Commented Sep 9, 2022 at 12:08
• 2 Following up many months later: DEFINITELY cause. He's on ADHD meds now and he's able to focus again. More importantly, he's able to be more"together" instead of unfocused and unready for independence. (Please, no anti-pharm lectures; after seeing what I've seen, I'm NOT sympathetic to that viewpoint.) –  J B NY Commented May 26, 2023 at 10:29
• 1 @JBNY Congratulations! There is definetly a lot of stigma about ADHD meds, but mostly from people that treat it as a mindset rather than a condition, the same goes with a lot of things that can't be "seen" physically. As a side note, It might be worth updating the tags on the post for people searching similar things in the future –  Cassie Commented May 28, 2023 at 10:21

Why does he have this problem? Well, he's 15 - their brains are changing so much it's impressive they can walk and talk, let alone concentrate. It's not uncommon at all.

If in the short term you need to be in the same room and check, I would suggest doing that - but try experimenting with ways to focus. Does he focus on his hobbies? Or on music? Or does he need to time-chunk things into small segments separated by a quick break, a walk, or a drink of water?

Most studies seem to suggest any more than 25 minutes at a time at that age seem to be difficult ( Wilson & Korn say 10 to 15 mins , while Microsoft's 2016 study reckoned 8 seconds), so can you try him with 25 minutes, then a run round the block, or something like that - make a game of it.

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15-Year-Old Child Development Milestones

As a 15-year-old, your child is still growing and developing. Here's what physical, cognitive, emotional, and social milestones to expect.

• Language and Cognitive Milestones
• Physical Milestones
• Emotional and Social Milestones

Other Milestones for Your 15-Year-Old

• Support Your 15-Year-Old
• Keep Your 15-Year-Old Safe
• When To Be Concerned

As your teen matures from 15 years old to their 18th birthday, they're gaining the skills needed to become a young adult. During these years, teens are taking on more responsibilities, navigating high school , and gaining more independence , but they also may be getting more confident in their abilities.

There's a good chance, however, that as your 15-year-old becomes comfortable in their own skin, they'll think they're ready to take on the world. They may even behave like they know everything. This attitude—often mixed with a hint of rebellion—can be on par for the course for many 15-year-olds, but that doesn't make it any less challenging for parents or caregivers. 

Understanding teen development can be instrumental for successful parenting during mid-adolescence. Here, we take you through what to expect as your teen embarks on this stage, from what's happening in their bodies and brains to their social and emotional development.

Parents / Emily Roberts

15-Year-Old Language and Cognitive Milestones

It's normal for teens to be argumentative at this stage. No matter what you say, your teen may want to debate the opposite point of view. Try not to be discouraged by these interactions. They're simply your teen’s way of asserting their independence and demonstrating that they can see issues from another angle.

Many teens begin thinking more about their future during this time, and they're usually able to start identifying potential career aspirations or college plans. Likewise, most 15-year-olds can give reasons for their own choices, including what was right or wrong.

"From early adolescence to middle adolescence, the predominant thought process of teens is concrete thinking," says Ellen Rome, MD, MPH , head of the Center for Adolescent Medicine at Cleveland Clinic Children's Hospital. "What's more, their cognitive processes can develop unevenly and they may not have abstract thinking in all areas of their life. So, a 15-year-old might have the skills to get their homework done on time, but still choose to go vape or drink with their buddies."

Communication style

Many 15-year-olds often prefer to communicate via text message and social media . Some may even find blogging or writing to be a helpful way to express themselves.

Reading and social experiences also play a big role in a teen’s language and vocabulary development. Most 15-year-olds can communicate in an adult-like fashion and can hold appropriate conversations. They can tell more involved stories and use more sophisticated communication skills, yet most will use teen slang when speaking with their friends.

Additional Cognitive Developments

• Show more concern about their future
• Exhibit more defined work habits
• Can explain the reasons for their choices
• Have specific interests or hobbies

15-Year-Old Physical Milestones

Fifteen-year-old boys may continue growing for another year or two. Usually, around this age, their voices become deeper and they may begin to grow facial hair. They also may gain muscle rapidly at this age.

Meanwhile, most girls have reached their full height by age 15. Some may feel insecure about their appearance. Body size-related teasing and pressure from family and peers also may encourage negative body image. Boys are also prone to concerns about their bodies at this age.

"Every adolescent matures at their own rate," says Ashley Ebersole, MD, MS, FAAP , an adolescent medicine physician at Nationwide Children's Hospital. "There is no specific weight or height for adolescents and even though they may not be getting taller, it is normal for teens to put on weight. At this age, weight gain is very developmentally normal even though most do not want to."

Your child's health care provider has likely been monitoring your child's growth progression since birth. So, while your 15-year-old may appear to be ahead of or behind their peers in terms of physical development at this age, they're likely right on track for them.

Additional Physical Developments

• Boys' voices grow deeper
• Boys begin to grow facial hair
• Girls have reached their full height

15-Year-Old Emotional and Social Milestones

Most teens begin to experience less conflict with their parents around age 15. They show more independence from their parents while also showing greater respect for the rules when privileges are contingent on their behavior.

Friends are very important to 15-year-olds, Dr. Rome says. They are likely spending more time with their friends than they did in the past.

"When they were a tween, life revolved around their parents and who their parents let them see," says Dr. Rome. "Now, their time may revolve around who they have access to as well as who they want to see. This can be surprising for parents that their loving tween has transformed into a teen that wants to be out with friends on a Saturday night instead of at home for family game night . At this age, friends have become more important than their parents."

By age 15, many teens are also strongly interested in romantic relationships . While some relationships may mostly evolve over social media or text messages, others will want to spend a great deal of time with their romantic interest. Additionally, many 15-year-olds are aware of their sexuality and show a budding interest in sexual activity.

Additional Social and Emotional Developments

• Exhibit greater emotional regulation skills
• Have a deeper capacity for caring
• May struggle with peer pressure

For many teens, 15 is the age they take driver’s education. Obtaining a learner’s permit can be a big deal. And of course, it’s a big responsibility.

Ensure your teen is ready to handle the rules of the road before allowing them to drive a vehicle. If they cannot be responsible for chores or homework, this may indicate that they are not yet ready to handle the responsibility of driving a car, and that's OK.

How To Help Your 15-Year-Old Grow and Learn

At this age, most teens are still learning how to maintain healthy relationships, both with their peers and in their budding romantic interests. Make sure your teen is hanging out with healthy people and establish clear dating rules.

Show an interest in your teen's activities. Step inside your teen’s world to learn about their favorite video games or to talk about the sports they enjoy. Your teen will appreciate your interest in learning about the things they're passionate about.

"The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that parents adopt an authoritative parenting style ," says Dr. Ebersole. "This parenting style involves cultivating a positive relationship with your child, loving them unconditionally, and being able to still establish rules."

Another way to encourage good decision-making skills is to make your teen's privileges contingent on their ability to be responsible. Tell them they can earn more independence or freedom by showing you that they can handle more responsibility and make good decisions.

How To Keep Your 15-Year-Old Safe

Many 15-year-olds also are dealing with a fair amount of stress. Some of them may struggle academically while others are dealing with romantic issues and perhaps even their first sexual experiences. Some worry about their physical appearance.

Teens this age also may be dealing with peer pressure , bullying , or dating issues. Even longtime friends can experience conflict in relationships at this age. Connect with your teen as often as you can to provide support.

Ask open-ended questions and spend more time listening than you do offering advice.

"Instead of looking at the big topics as a one-time conversation, plan to have a series of conversations with your kids about these issues," suggests Dr. Ebersole. "Be proactive instead of waiting for your adolescent to come to you with a problem."

And, when your child makes a poor decision, make sure you address it calmly. Instead of responding in anger, try to use the mistake as a learning opportunity rather than letting it derail your relationship or your emotions.

When To Be Concerned About Your 15-Year-Old

Teens often experience several different stressors, not only from their peers and those around them, but also through social media. This can lead to many different issues.

For instance, there's a great deal of pressure on kids to look a certain way, which often leads to self-esteem issues, struggles with body image , and anxiety. Familiarize yourself with the signs and symptoms of eating disorders and other mental health problems. If you have any concerns, contact a mental health professional or ask your pediatrician or family doctor for a referral.

Ask your child what's going on, how they're feeling, and what they're thinking. If your child expresses feelings of hopelessness or mentions death, you may want to ask if they have ever experienced suicidal thoughts , particularly if they seem sad or depressed. Let them know you care about them and that you're there for them. You also should reach out to a mental health professional for help.

Resources for Teen's With Suicidal Thoughts

If your teen is having suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.

Weight status and body image perceptions in adolescents: current perspectives . Adolesc Health Med Ther. 2015

Understanding normal development of adolescent sexuality: A bumpy ride . J Hum Reprod Sci . 2015

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Daniel Wong

What to Do If Your Teen Hates School: 15 Strategies That Work

Updated on January 31, 2023 By Daniel Wong 98 Comments

Maybe this describes the situation you’re in.

Does your teen say that he hates school?

Does he complain about his teachers and classmates, and about how “useless” school is?

Or maybe your teen complains that the people in school are “fake”, and that it’s hard to make friends?

If so, I’m sure you feel concerned.

You want to help your teen, but whatever you’ve tried so far hasn’t worked.

Don’t worry.

Given that I work with students — the majority of whom are teens — for a living, I know how common it is for teens to dislike school.

Nonetheless, this is still an issue that must be addressed.

There are many powerful strategies you can employ to help the situation. In this article, I’ll outline 15 of them.

(Download the free bonus below to learn five more strategies.)

Enter your email below to download a PDF summary of this article. The PDF contains all the strategies found here, plus 5 exclusive bonus strategies that you’ll only find in the PDF.

Why do teens hate school.

As a parent and as a coach who works with teenagers , I understand how challenging it can be to see your child hating school.

You don’t want your teens to be miserable, but you also want what’s best for them in the long term.

While academics aren’t everything, doing well in school does lead to more opportunities for scholarships, higher education, and employment.

Here’s the thing…

Before you can motivate your teenagers to enjoy school , you must understand why they dislike school in the first place.

For many students, school is like a roller coaster — full of nerve-racking lows and exhilarating highs. Threatening or lecturing your teens won’t help them navigate the heart-pounding ride.

Instead, let’s explore a few answers to the all-important question: “Why do teens hate school?”

They feel like they have no control over their lives

Teenagers are also growing up, which means that they’re developing their independence.

So, your teens want to feel in control of their lives.

But the traditional school setting typically gives them few opportunities to exert this control, outside of setting academic goals .

Most teenagers have few options with regard to which classes they’re taking, so they don’t get to study the topics that genuinely interest them.

Add jam-packed schedules and strict rules to the mix, and it’s no wonder that teens find school frustrating and sometimes pointless.

If your teen hates school, it could be a lack of autonomy that’s driving this feeling of resentment.

They feel overwhelmed and stressed

Waking up early. High-pressure extracurriculars. Exams, homework, and projects.

Teens today are more stressed than ever before. In fact, nearly one-third of teens report feeling overwhelmed , a figure on par with adult stress levels.

These statistics are a cause for concern.

As American Psychological Association CEO Norman B. Anderson, PhD says:

It is alarming that the teen stress experience is so similar to that of adults. It is even more concerning that they seem to underestimate the potential impact that stress has on their physical and mental health.

(If you’re concerned about your teen’s mental well-being, here are seven tips to support your child’s mental health .)

Help your teenager to manage stress effectively, and you might find that you no longer say that “my teenager hates school”.

They feel that school is just about getting good grades

Does your teen feel pressured to achieve outstanding grades?

Most students do. Yet academic success is about so much more than report cards and grades.

It’s important to show your teen that it’s not the outcome but the process that matters most.

Sure, it feels good to get excellent grades. But what’s more important are the valuable life skills your child gains along the way, e.g. critical thinking, organisation, planning, self-management.

If your teens feel the only purpose of school is to memorise facts and equations, they’ll struggle to find joy in the learning process.

They’re being bullied

If you keep saying to yourself that “my teen hates school”, check in with your child to ensure that he or she isn’t being bullied.

Just because your teen hasn’t mentioned the issue doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.

If there’s bullying going on, don’t blame yourself. Instead, support your child and empathise with him or her as you find a solution together.

What to do if your child hates school

As we’ve seen, there’s typically a reason why your child doesn’t enjoy school.

Now, let’s explore 15 proven strategies that will help anytime you’re wondering what to do about your child hating school:

1. Don’t assume that your teen is being defiant or rebellious

As children enter the teenage years, they crave autonomy. They’re also forming their identity, all while their bodies and brains are going through drastic changes.

As such, teens often exhibit rebellious behaviour .

But don’t assume that this is the only reason your teen tells you she hates school.

Many times, there are other issues at play, e.g., feeling overwhelmed, struggling to keep up with schoolwork, bullying, fear of exams .

2. Think about what you’ve been doing that may have contributed to the problem

Here are some questions to ask yourself when you find yourself saying “my teenager hates school”:

• Do I frequently nag my teen?
• Do I always talk about school-related topics?
• Do I talk as if my teen’s hobbies are a waste of time, or that they’re merely a distraction from her schoolwork?
• Do I compare my teen with her friends, cousins or siblings?
• Do I overemphasise the importance of performing well in school?
• Do I frequently force or coerce my teen into doing schoolwork?
• Do I sign my teen up for classes or programmes without first seeking her consent?

On their own, none of these behaviours will result in you having a disrespectful teenager who hates school.

But in combination, they’ll likely cause a power struggle between you and your teen.

Over time, your teen may develop even more negative emotional associations with school.

3. Use active listening techniques when talking to your teen about the issue

• Give your teen your full attention
• Don’t multitask
• Don’t interrupt your teen while he’s talking
• Encourage your teen to keep talking, e.g. by saying “go on” or “tell me more”
• Empathise with your teen
• Seek to understand how he is feeling
• Don’t judge
• Don’t moralise
• As far as possible, don’t provide unsolicited advice
• Occasionally summarise what you think your teen has been saying and reflect it back to him, e.g. “It sounds like you feel as if your math teacher doesn’t explain the concepts well, so you dislike math.”

By using active listening techniques, your teen will be more likely to share with you what’s troubling him.

4. Don’t use threats

It’s tempting for parents to use threats to coerce their teens into behaving “correctly”.

Whether it’s threatening to reduce your teen’s allowance or take away her phone, it won’t work in the long run.

The use of power becomes less effective as children get older. By the time they’re teenagers, this approach doesn’t work, and tends to backfire instead.

In other words, it isn’t possible to threaten your teen into becoming a motivated and responsible student who loves going to school.

If your teen detests school, the root cause is probably emotional in nature. This is what must be addressed as a priority.

5. Don’t lecture

“My teen hates school — should I lecture him or her?”

Perhaps that’s the question on your mind.

I advise parents to avoid lecturing their teens. But if you really can’t help it, keep the lecture short.

Teens tell me that they start tuning their parents out about two minutes into the lecture. So you’ll be wasting your breath if your lecture lasts longer than that.

Your teen won’t respond well to you preaching about the importance of school. Nor will he start or stop performing specific behaviours because you told him that he “should” or “shouldn’t” do those things.

(When was the last time you started eating healthily just because a relative or friend told you that you “should”?)

Lecturing won’t help your teen’s anxiety either, if that’s something he’s struggling with.

Even students who have an intense hatred for school know that doing well in school is important. They don’t need you to remind them of that, because their teachers do that almost every day.

What does your teen need from you?

He needs you to listen to him, to understand him, to see things from his perspective – this is a parenting skill I encourage you to develop.

When your teen feels understood, he’ll change his behaviour and attitude.

6. Reduce your focus on school and academics

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t bring up school-related topics at all.

But many teens have told me that it seems as if school is the only thing their parents care about. And it’s true that many parents I talk to are mostly interested in how to get their teenagers to do their homework .

So make it a point to talk about topics that your teen is interested in, e.g. music, hobbies, gaming, social media.

When the conversations you have with your teen are more balanced, your teen’s attitude toward school will become more balanced too.

7. Help your teen to learn organisational and study skills

Many students who don’t like school feel overwhelmed by schoolwork, projects, tests, exams, etc.

Most of these students haven’t learned how to prioritise, plan, stay organised, manage their time, and focus when studying .

If this describes your teen, encourage – but don’t force – her to develop these skills. To do so, she can check out relevant resources and sign up for programmes.

This is the reason why I’ve developed courses like The Perfect Study Plan , and why I coach students 1-to-1 .

When students develop the necessary organisational skills and apply effective study tips , they often stop hating school!

8. Acknowledge your teen’s progress and effort

They feel as if they’ll never be good enough to live up to their parents’ expectations.

Instead of focusing on your teen’s grades, focus on their effort instead. Whenever you observe her exhibiting positive behaviour, acknowledge it.

This simple act will mean a lot to her. It will also remind her that the reward is found in the journey itself, not just the destination.

By acknowledging her progress, she’ll be more likely to develop intrinsic motivation.

9. Talk to your teen’s teachers

Reach out to your teen’s teachers. Given that they interact with your teen almost every day, they’re likely to have insights into why he hates school.

All the teachers I know are insanely busy. So even if you’re only able to schedule a 10-minute phone call with your teen’s teacher, make the most of the opportunity.

10. Talk to the parents of your teen’s friends

On a related note, to get a better picture of what’s going on, talk to the parents of your teen’s friends.

These parents would have heard from their children about what’s been frustrating them at school. Based on this feedback, you’ll understand your teen’s concerns better too.

11. Ensure that your home is an emotionally safe environment

Teens frequently tell me that they don’t feel emotionally safe at home.

Why do they say this?

Because they feel that when they’re at home, they can be nagged, criticised, blamed, reprimanded or lectured to at any time. They feel as if they can be “attacked” without forewarning.

It’s only natural that they withdraw, locking themselves in their room if possible.

If the home environment isn’t emotionally safe , teens won’t share what’s on their minds. This will only make the situation worse, and you’ll keep wondering why your teen hates school so much.

When parenting teens , do your best to cultivate a home environment that’s full of appreciation, respect and kindness.

Emphasise that there are standards that must be upheld, but that every family member will always receive unconditional acceptance.

12. Determine if there’s something more serious going on

Here are some symptoms to look out for:

• Feeling tired most of the time
• Poor concentration
• Feeling worthless
• Feelings of self-hatred
• Changes in appetite
• Irritability
• Persistent sadness
• Thoughts of suicide
• Loss of interest in hobbies
• Change in sleep habits
• Frequent crying
• Withdrawing from friends and family
• Loss of motivation to study or do schoolwork

If your teen is exhibiting several of these symptoms, seek help right away.

13. Ensure that your teen’s life isn’t overscheduled

Sometimes, teens who hate school are simply worn out. They feel overwhelmed by the demands of school, extracurricular activities, etc.

They may be physically exhausted and sleep-deprived. This affects their mood, which makes them more likely to perceive situations negatively.

Teens need time to think, reflect, explore and dream.

Do what you can to ensure that your teen’s life isn’t overscheduled . Over time, you’ll see improvements in his attitude toward school.

14. Be patient and encouraging toward your teen

No matter how old we are, we’re all on a journey of learning, growing and maturing.

It’s a process for your teen to change her mindset, so be patient with her.

Encourage her. Support her. Empathise with her. Listen to her. Remind her that you’ll be with her every step of the way.

As you implement the other strategies listed in this article, you’ll see improvements such that you no longer think to yourself that “my teenager hates school”.

15. Help your teen to find a mentor

Teens who detest school need some perspective on their situation.

It’s hard for teens to develop this perspective because their problems seem so overwhelming.

From their point of view, the situation might even appear hopeless.

Parents have a difficult time getting through to teens. This is because parents’ guidance is often perceived as nagging or lecturing.

This is the reason your teen needs a mentor. The benefits of having a mentor are well-documented, which is why I mentor teens to help them become motivated, responsible, and resilient.

Your teen is just one mentor away from making the most of his potential!

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Is hating school normal.

While I’m not fond of the term normal, I will say it’s common for teens to dislike things related to school.

Just remember, most teenagers aren’t rebellious for the sake of it. There’s likely a good reason for their frustrations, so it’s crucial to apply the tips in this article to get to the root of the issue.

What can I do if my teenager refuses to go to school?

It’s tempting to scold and lecture your teenagers if they refuse to go to school.

But nagging your teens won’t work. More often than not, it will exacerbate the problem.

The good news is that there are tactics you can use to deal with challenging teenagers. Read my top 10 tips for dealing with disrespectful teens here .

How do you motivate an intelligent but unmotivated teenager?

Do you feel like your teenager doesn’t work hard enough or plan for the future, even though you know he or she is intelligent?

Or maybe your teen lacks motivation and gets distracted easily?

If so, you’re not alone. There’s a huge number of parents trying to figure out how to motivate a teenager to study and perform better in school.

I have good news for you…

I’ve spoken to and worked with more than 20,000 students around the globe. I’ve discovered that the vast majority of unmotivated teenagers want to do well in school. They simply lack the necessary mindset and skills to do so.

That’s why I wrote a free e-book to help parents learn how to motivate their teens. Discover my 16 keys to motivating teenagers here.

Do most teens hate school?

While I’m hesitant to say that most teens hate school, many do.

I know it’s frustrating to see that your children dislike school. But if you work with them day by day — by implementing the tips in this article — to embrace a new attitude, you’ll start to see improvements.

Conclusion: Huge changes occur one tiny step at a time

I’ve worked with teens who have gone from being unmotivated school-haters to being driven, focused, and independent learners.

Of course, the transformation to become happy, successful students didn’t happen overnight.

(I went through my own transformation as a teen, which you can read about here if you’re interested.)

But change is possible.

As is often said, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”

In the same way, huge changes occur one tiny step at a time. So apply the strategies described in this article, as well as the bonus strategies you can get access to at the end of this article.

With your love, support, and guidance, your teen can experience a transformation too!

Like this article? Please share it with your friends.

August 7, 2018 at 9:13 pm

This is very useful Thank you

August 7, 2018 at 10:35 pm

You’re most welcome.

April 28, 2021 at 12:36 am

Good afternoon well I really don’t know what to do with my daughter anymore I try I talk to herAnd ask her what she needs if I’m doing something wrong she doesn’t talk much I ask her how was your day I am what she thinks about anything but she doesn’t say anythingAnd I asked her how she’s doing school and she’s tell me she’s doing good but really she’s not I have finals of the teachers telling me that she doesn’t look good in the class she talks to anybody I am and that she doesn’t finish your classwork

September 29, 2022 at 4:49 am

what if you hate school because you always get in trouble and your teachers are mean to you

December 5, 2022 at 1:54 am

Why are you always in trouble?

September 21, 2022 at 8:12 pm

Incredible article! Great advice!

August 13, 2018 at 4:28 am

My son is 18 and I’m from the school open day where I realised that he is really struggling yet is not putting more effort on his books…my point to him was he is not committed to his books and need to study a lot as the class he is in is very challenging…that’s when he told me he feels he doesn’t need school anymore…I felt very bad and I’m failing to cope…he is well mannered but I’m confused as to where did I go wrong

January 26, 2021 at 11:54 pm

I am going through the same exact thing with my 15 year old daughter. She even said about quitting but I told her if she quits then she will have to work full time. I am so worried and stressed and she cried often. Help!

April 20, 2021 at 1:39 pm

My 15 year old son is feeling and saying the same thing. Have you found anything to help?

April 21, 2021 at 5:58 am

Hi know how you feel Alisa, I am going thru the exact with my 15yr old son. He has missed a full first term and hasn’t gone back so far this term. I don’t know what to do.

May 14, 2021 at 11:40 am

Have you figured out anything that helps? My 17 yr old son won’t go to school either he makes me out to be the bad guy untill he gets his way. We tried going to the counselor and that didn’t work either.

August 18, 2021 at 10:42 pm

Sounds like my 16yr old son. Ive been thrown in jail over him missing school. And he’s only been 2 out of the 7days this year already. The school had n I interest in helping us. Ill go back to jail Ima sure as he will go to juvie again sadly he is going to be a dad also in 7mths and I just dont know what else to do. Ive begged the school for help but they keep saying we dont know what to tell you. Smh they’ve pushed him thru with straight F’s since 3rd grade but they are not at fault for his struggles in school.

November 8, 2022 at 2:58 am

i am a 15 yr old let him do it trust me i dropped out learned the real important stuff like how taxes work got to spend time with people i love way more often learned the importance of money how to save it and it also just gives you future money like working at mcdonalds is like 15 $ an hr and working full time isnt so bad i get to interact and become more socially active.

October 3, 2018 at 11:34 am

What do I need to do or where to go if my teen is showing most of those traits in #12? Also why must I seek help Immediately?

October 4, 2018 at 4:06 am

You should seek help right away because he’s at risk for hurting himself.

October 9, 2018 at 3:06 pm

Hi, My son is a popular good looking boy.. but hates school and is now refusing to go. He had suggested in the past about moving schools, but I thought this was pointless as his school was good and my daughter has been very successful there. He hates teachers and just just generally hates everybody! He’s asking to go to college early, he is 15 16 next September? I’m separated from his father, 10 yrs now, charlie has received counselling with school and struggles with anger not at me.. I believe the school feel it’s just being spoilt as I’ve over compensated with him lots to always try and make him happy.. but I believe he really hates school and just want him to be somewhere he is happy and have the chance to thrive, he was recently scouted at the school for rugby to trial for a brilliant team but turned it down, even with me and his dad giving him rewards if he went! I just don’t know what to do! I worry about drugs and suiceied and getting in with the wrong crowd, and can’t help by blame myself as I’m too weak with him! I’ve patented my children the same, my daughter has just gone to the uni of her dreams, so I know I’ve done my best!

February 27, 2020 at 11:00 pm

I read your comment and I feel the same way. I have a 17 yr daughter who is a motivated straight A student with an already figured out life, and a 15 1/2 son who tells me that he hates school, that he doesn’t learn anything in school and that he would rather stay home or be homeschooled. I am married. I tried so many techniques with him, from being understanding and open minded to giving him space… nothing works. He already failed a class and even though he’s making it up now, he’s borderline failing 2 other classes. I aslo worry about drugs, vaping, and whether or not he’s even going to college. As of now he wants to drop HS and he said that he doesn’t want to go to college. According to him he would rather drop off now and get a job. Like you, I don’t understand how I can have one kid one way and the other exactly the opposite. If parenting were to be the issue than both kids should’ve been doing bad in school. This is so frustrating. My husband keeps on saying to let him be, but I fear that if I do so, he will fail and won’t get a chance to make up for all this mistakes, won’t graduate,won’t go to college and end up with a low paying job trying to make ends meet for the rest of his life 🙁

March 19, 2020 at 9:09 am

I am in exactly the same position with my 15-year old son. I’m about to pay for online private school but I’m so scared that he won’t put forth the effort and we will be in the same position, minus $1700. He has just told me that he is not going to a “crap college” and will just start working after high school, which I’m certain will lead to drugs and/or jail. I am petrified. 😢

September 29, 2020 at 6:38 pm

Yes!! Reading your comment makes me feel better and that I’m not alone! I have a 15 year old son and if I even mention school and his grades he goes into a rage. He is normally a GREAT, very well mannered kid. He told me that school is useless and he wants to drop out. I am at a loss! Of course I won’t allow him to drop out but I have no idea how to make it better. I feel like I am failing as a parent.

October 22, 2020 at 9:10 am

Sooo, I am a 16 year old boy who hates school, and reading your comments I can pretty much relate to your children. Wanna ask any questions? I’m here to answer them!

October 23, 2020 at 4:56 am

So what do you recommend as a 16 year old ? My son says the only thing keeping him from a breakdown is playing on his xbox. How can I get him to put just a little effort into school? His teachers want to have a parent/student/teacher conference.

June 17, 2021 at 2:20 am

My son is 15. He hates school, I just spoke to his 8 teachers and all of them says same thing that he is disturbing the class and gets easily distributed himself. His grades significantly dropped and he isn’t. Doing well academically at all . What can I do?

December 31, 2020 at 8:11 am

I have some questions! My 16 year old son is smart, well-liked, interested in so many things. But, he sees school as holding him back. This pandemic has not helped. I don’t really focus on grades, but he does because he wants to get into a “good school.” I don’t expect him to like school, I just don’t know how to make it not “ruin his life.”

March 7, 2021 at 9:58 pm

I have a 13 yr old that hates school. He doesn’t even try. I’m his grand parent. I fell as I’ve failed him. I’m so concerned and confused.

April 13, 2021 at 12:18 am

What are you doing if you hate school, how are you managing your teenage years and what are your plans for future?

April 13, 2021 at 7:54 am

You say you hate school but do you still go to school?

August 20, 2021 at 11:29 am

My son is 14 years old and tells me he hates school. He won’t specify exactly what he hates about it other than saying that he doesn’t learn anything useful. He just started high school and I want to make sure his next 4 years aren’t going to go in the wrong direction by not helping him. But I don’t know how to help if he just doesn’t like school. 🤷🏻‍♀️

November 2, 2022 at 12:57 am

My 15 yr ild grandson and 17 yr old grad daughter will be late 2 out of 5 days and the days they are at school they dont go to but maybe 2 out of 5 classes a day I asked why doesnt security make them go to class they said the hid from them. Now they want to put them on a contract and if that doesnt work they will be suspended and if that dont work they will have to go to another school. Which they wont have a way to get there. They don’t like to get up early to go to school and they never bring hime homework. I dont know what to do.

January 25, 2023 at 4:39 am

What is it that you hate the most about school?

Are there parts of it you like?

Would you do online school instead?

Was there a time in your life when you did like school?

Are you in any extra curricular activities?

Best of luck!

May 23, 2021 at 6:19 pm

I have the same problem with our son, although he has always school from early years he is now 13 and know he is going through adolescence and we try our best not to judge him when his school rings us saying he doesn’t do the work in class or he won’t listen in class our son generally is a fun loving bubbly person but lately seem sad fed up with school and although we agree with our son on some reasons for this we also agree with teacher that it can’t continue I just want him to be happy do his best in school which would show he’s trying we have got 1-1 teaching in certain classes but just want him to know we are supporting him and want to help the situation

April 14, 2021 at 7:41 pm

Maybe let him get a job huni as maybe he has to learn the hard way and see how hard it is out there. Hugs darling. I got two kids 10, 13 refusing to go to school. Sob

October 12, 2018 at 2:42 am

My daughter has been having issues at school for a while I have tried home school and she hated that as well now she is back is regular school with her peers and wants to be home schooled again what should I do ? Yes she has tried to hurt herself yes she has been to hospitals and yes she is on medication and therapy what now cause now she tells me she wants to quit therapy cause her therapist is t getting her at all she is not improving in my eyes and I’m at a lost some sound advice would really help me I’m afraid for her future and her current situation Please Help

October 29, 2018 at 6:01 am

Search for another therapist

November 6, 2018 at 1:49 pm

Perhaps the therapist isn’t right for her, it is common that sometimes a certain therapist just doesn’t “click” with the one in the therapy, try changing therapist until you found the right one would be my suggestion.

October 19, 2018 at 9:13 pm

This is very helpful. But, what happens when my 15 years old son start saying that school is not important for life, and don’t attend school because of that? He was always a smart boy, had big dreams in life… but now he lost any interest in school or studying, he sits at home doing nothing, says that he will be a millionaire by saling things (because of the videos all over the Internet about how to make big money and don’t work) on the internat but doesn’t do anything for that… He says that school doesn’t help you and that he will drop of school when it is possible, until then he barely attend the classes, go home in the middle of a school day, of course doesn’t do any homework or projects at school… And the worst part is that he even lost interest in making friends, meetings people or go somewhere… It started last year at his middle school when he has friends and continuing now in the first year of high school where he doesn’t want to meet anyone… The point is that there is no bullying involved in this case. I don’t know what is happening with him and why he lost any interest in social life and studying… What can I do? He is such a smart boy and he can ruin his future by this actions and I don’t know what to do…

November 1, 2018 at 6:36 am

IAM GOING THRUE THE SAME ISSUE WITH MY 14 YRD OLD…WHAT DID YOU DO TO HELP HIM? HELP PLEASE

November 6, 2019 at 5:25 am

Having the same problem. 14 year old boy going into high school next year. Almost same exact details.

April 4, 2020 at 10:53 pm

I’m a teenager right now, trying to figure out how to get motivation for something pointless. I mean yeah, most places require a high school education, but most places should also rethink the value of that. Going to be a CEO? I’m thinking you might not need that biology class. Accountant. Did you really need all that extensive world history? Going to drive semi-trucks? Nobody’s gonna care about that Calculus class. How about a lawyer? Chances are, nobody is going to care in the least about how you had to dissect Romeo and Juliet. It is pointless. So many teachers take PRIDE in the fact that no one likes their class. They all force massive amounts of work onto you, leaving no time for anything else. Teenagers are young, right? They’re supposed to have energy, right? So that means they must not need sleep. Which means they could be memorizing useless facts so they can spit them out onto a test paper and then immediately forget them. It would be a much better use of time. Us students are forming a Union to abolish this meaningless and stupid program. But… we’re not 18 so we can’t possibly know anything about the world even with all these facts they shove in our faces. Don’t try to make your teenager like school. Let them hate it, encourage them to despise it, support them in that intelligent opinion. Hate it with them. Schools cause so many mental problems for so many kids. It’s not the other kids. It’s the teachers, the principals, the administrators. We can’t stand up for ourselves, so help us. If there are enough of us, we just may be able to abolish this horrible and useless system.

April 23, 2020 at 5:45 am

Amelia I am sorry you feel this way. I do understand that school sucks. I think most of the classes are pointless and a lot of wasted time and not teaching real-life issues. The only thing I do know is that school teaches you to be on time, to have structure, to socialize in a public setting and deal with people you may not like (like bosses and co-workers), it teaches you to apply yourself in a work environment in the future, to do tasks at work that you are going to hate. So that is what I see about school. But unfortunately to succeed in life MOST of the time employers like to see that you have graduated school, because you were able to be responsible and apply yourself at all tasks. So therefore, jobs will be given to those who “seem” responsible and educated by having a diploma. My son is 15 years old and has always been super smart. We have always said he is going to be an engineer one day. This is his first year of highschool, he got mixed up with the wrong kids, and in the last 6 months has gotten into drugs (some heavy but mostly pot), he has done illegal things, he sneaks out at night. We removed him from school and started virtual school. He only has 4 classes to take, almost 3 because he is about done with the easy driver’s ed class. He only has to do one class a day and can be done by Thursday. He refuses to do the lessons, he cheats and gets reported for copying and pasting answers. When I try to talk to him calmly and explain how this is important and we just care and we get it’s a pain in the butt but it needs to be done. We give him only 2 assignments a day to complete. Sometimes he doesn’t even do that. He says he doesn’t need an education to be a mechanic (he does), and talks to me as if he hates me. I do nag him because I see he is not doing a thing ALL DAY long. Tell me as a teenager what I can do to help him. What would help you? I will do whatever I can, I just don’t know anymore. I cannot as a parent say, OK quit and don’t do school anymore. So what’s next? Fight every day? Watch him fail. We give him incentives to look forward to if he keeps a C or higher and if he completes the few assignments each day. He still will stare at a wall rather than complete the work and receive the incentives. It has caused so much pain with all of us my heart breaks for his future. It’s a sad, tough world we live in. I know how hard it must be for teens these days, and I sympathize. But how do I help. I don’t want my son to run away, be a drop out, become a drug addict when he sees life isn’t the way he pictured it. And to you, I will pray for you as I do my son because I don’t want any teenager to feel this way. I was a pain in the butt teen as well, but times were different when I was in highschool than they are now. I wish you the absolute best in life and I hope you succeed even though school sucks…I hope you graduate and get to feel that amazing sense of accomplishment.

May 27, 2020 at 11:05 pm

hi im also a teen and here’s something that helped with my friend. their parents made a system where for every test that they get 80% and more they get $25 and when report cards come for every class that they get a 85% or more they get $50, money is a good motivation for us cause we can spend it on what we want, like food, games and just about anything, also i noticed a lot of these comments are from america and im in canada so im not sure what 80% is in letter grades but i think it might be a B+ i could be wrong though so look up a conversion chart to make sure. i hope this helps

June 6, 2020 at 7:05 pm

Hi Gwen, Since your son knows what he wants to do, maybe you could try get him an apprenticeship with a mechanic? It would give him a sense of purpose during his day and hopefully a ‘mentor’ who he can relate to and something he enjoys doing. All the best and good luck!! keep strong!! Kids grow up and eventually realise you love them!

October 1, 2020 at 10:57 am

Hi Amelia, I’m also a teen (technically a young adult because I’m 18, but I was fresh out of high school last year and in the 1st year of university), and I FEEL THAT! Schools and universities really do make us learn useless things! Heck, even in universities where there are specific majors, they still have useless units as prerequisites! E.g. if you want to develop apps, why aren’t all the classes and assignments wholly dedicated to simply creating apps? Why is it peppered with useless unrelated assignments and units? And they’d claim that being well-rounded is extremely important. If anything, being intensely focused on one thing is better than being well-rounded in everything, only having the basics of everything but never mastering anything in particular. What’s the point?

December 4, 2020 at 11:51 am

Do schools teach seemingly useless things? Yes, but having a well-rounded education is so very important to be an informed citizen and to think critically. Also, who says you won’t change your mind or major later if you decide all of a sudden you like literature more than computer science, or whatever? Also, it’s a fall back if for some reason that career you want is no longer viable anymore.

I started off as a Spanish major in school. I also have a background in education and technology through other classes I took… so now I teach 1 Spanish class a semester, but my regular full-time job is teaching technology to faculty in higher ed…

Also, take a look at this election cycle we are in! There are so many uninformed citizens who obviously didn’t pay attention in history or government classes! I wouldn’t want to be that person!

Saying all that, I have a 14-year-old who refuses to do school work in school and is constantly off-task. I have to practically sit on top of him to get him to do anything. I have spent the past 3 weeks trying to catch him up in school… but I can ONLY control what he does at home. His teachers are pissed because he’s not doing stuff in class. He is ADHD/Autistic, he goes to therapy and we are trying a new behavior contract to give him 10 minutes of phone time per completed assignment… some days it works, some days it doesn’t… I just am so very frustrated and stressed over it all… I’m trying to do my own work from home + he’s doing remote 3 days a week + 2 days in (but the days he’s in school he does nothing)… I don’t know what the answer is myself. I have tried almost everything!

May 14, 2021 at 1:56 am

My 15-year-old much the same. There has to be a better way than behavior mods. These kids are smart; they won’t be manipulated. I am thinking maybe we unschool him and start a business together or something. Why do we continue to disrespect what he’s saying and ignore his feelings? It’s really hard to parent today!

December 26, 2020 at 3:52 pm

You know, I feel the same way… because as a 16 year old, i have been in high school for a year now, and the only reason I passed my classes last year was bc the district allowed us to have an option of just showing that we completed a class instead of the actual grade, (which was most of my classes), but of course only if you didn’t fail them. Now yes, I feel that elementry school is something that everyone should do, even they also teach things and have there flaws in the system as well. But middle school and high school are a different subject. They should make it so that the students pick what they want to learn and have the basics sure, like how to do your taxes or how to write a resume. But we don’t need to know that that the mitochondria is the power house of the cell. I want us to all come toghether and change the school system for the better of students and society! Think about it. Wouldn’t you be more happier if your child was happy doing what they love and actually enjoy learning the subject. And that if you fail that you can still graduate high school. I feel that students should have the choice of picking what they want to learn. This will help them develop their own skills and find out who they are. And if they don’t like the class, THEN THAT’S OK. We should not be pressured into reading shakespere if we don’t want to. Any who, I hope this helped you all understand how students feel. Thank u and I rly do want to change this school system for the better of everyone, so let me know your thoughts about the subject and your opinions. Thank u all again and I hope this helps!

June 26, 2021 at 1:11 am

Great points! Thank you for your time in helping us understand how our kids are feeling. Adult college students feel the same way too!

March 30, 2023 at 1:18 pm

I taught elementary school many years ago and it was important to me for my students to enjoy everyday…I do understand how students feel the way they do today as everything is so different…I would love to be able to have the opportunity to let students speak and have someone really listen to what they are saying…you all need to be heard…

December 31, 2020 at 8:14 am

You know what? I think you are right. Let kids hate school. I really think you are onto something.

June 26, 2021 at 1:13 am

Great points! Thank you for your comments and perspective!

September 8, 2023 at 3:26 am

This is true. Anyone who disagrees with this is a teacher.

November 20, 2019 at 4:23 am

Hi i have same problem with my son He is 15 But worst thing he start bullying ours family And i really don’t know what to do All supports are trying to help But is getting worse

April 22, 2020 at 4:54 am

Hi Lena! I was reading your situation and looks like you are writing about my son. I have exactly the same problem and don’t know what to do. I even already think about getting a help from psychologist.

April 23, 2020 at 5:52 am

I also have a 15 year old son that we are having a really hard time with. He is fine as long as he gets his way and he doesn’t have to any schoolwork at all. He can be horribly mean and cruel and looks at us with such hate any time we remind him to get on task with his schoolwork. He started therapy right before this pandemic and we have been easier on him by having him only do 2 assignments a day and he still doesn’t want to do that. He feels like he doesn’t need an education to succeed (be a mechanic). It is a constant battle even when we are being nice and giving him incentives. Nothing seems to motivate him or help him. It is like he is in a battle for control with us. If we ask him to do something (clean room even), he just ignores us and doesn’t do it. If we remind him again he is nasty, says we are nagging him, and blames us for every single thing that he does wrong. I need help because I fear his battle of control and this new sense of thinking he is an adult is going to lead to him running away again and just keep getting into trouble. He has always been a sweet boy, but the last 6 months since he started high school is when things changed. He is someone we don’t even know. We took him out of school and put him in virtual school.

October 20, 2018 at 9:25 am

Very useful article. Thanks you

November 23, 2018 at 10:25 pm

Why am I reading it instead of my parents

August 16, 2019 at 9:57 pm

Maybe just try having them read the article. And say mom and dad… This is me reaching out for your help please. Say, I need this. It takes time to work through things but as a family if you ask for help and hopefully they’re willing to give it, things will get better. Your school years go by so quickly… Before you know it you will be out of school and then you make your decisions for the rest of your life from there. Enjoy this time being young! 💚

May 1, 2020 at 11:09 am

November 25, 2018 at 11:15 am

This article is extremely useful for me as I go through the content I can so much relate it to the the situation me and my son are undergoing. Extremely helpful, will be adopting your techniques for sure and as u said how to eat an elephant well!!it implies to me, I am also seeking a mentor for him(son) will soo seek your support. very useful blog👍

December 4, 2018 at 12:05 am

Hi my 15 year old son just refuses to go to school . He says he doesn’t like it or the teachers etc. He just shuts himself away in his room all day coming out only to eat and drink . He doesn’t have any friends only the ones he talks to online when on his PS4 . But I’ve confiscated that whilst he’s not in school . I do think he has no self esteem And the doctor has been out to see him but she doesn’t know what the problem is aswell. He is very rude to me and his father and very disrespectful and he hates his younger sister . We are at our wits end and don’t know what to do ?

April 28, 2019 at 6:17 pm

My son was like this hated school from age 14 he is now 18 and tried self-harming the attempted suicide we had no idea … he was rude disrespectful and selfish and also started self medicating with drugs .. turns out he is a very emotional person who was so anxious and did not know how to manage counselling certainly helped but the road is long and has been painful

January 3, 2019 at 11:36 pm

Thank you for this great info! I have a daughter in 8th grade who hates school and often refuses to go. She’s working with a therapist now which has helped but it’s very slow going. She actually expressed her feelings and ideas in a letter she wrote to get her feelings out. I think it is helpful for parents to see what middle schooler are thinking. I posted it on my blog: http://www.fabulousclassroom.com/2018/11/teenage-anxiety-a-letter-from-my-14-year-old-daughter/

January 13, 2019 at 7:21 pm

In the article and in the comments no one has mentioned bullying. Bullying in schools is the major cause of kids not wanting to go to school and unfortunately the effects of bullying can cause many mental health issues for the victims. Very often children do not want to admit they are being bullied. Very important for parents to take immediate action if they believe their child is being bullied at school. Do not confront the bully or the parents of the bully. Do not expect the school to have a system in place to resolve the problem .If you communicate with the school, document dates and time, whom you have spoken with, all meetings, conversations, you have had on the subject. Educate yourself on bullying. There is an abundance of information on the web.

February 8, 2019 at 12:23 am

Thank you I found your article very insightful and helpful. In my son’s case it is the school/teachers themselves that are the cause of his anxiety and dislike for it. He has additional needs and is expected to conform to their expectations rather than their approach being adapted to suit his abilities. It’s an on-going battle but he isn’t quite at point of refusal thankfully and is fine when at home and will talk to us openly and has a good sense of humour which is key. Enjoying the small things in life helps us cope with the bigger things.

February 25, 2019 at 5:08 am

Thank you so mich. Was feeling so overwhelmed and stressed this morning and found you on google. Off to work and will tackle this after reading your article. It is never an easy road but it helps when someone brings it back to perspective

March 11, 2019 at 4:29 am

Hi While googling, found it very useful. As I tried so many techinques, seemed to work and again fails. We moved last year of middle school. Before to middle school , in another city. He does not like school as feels he can do self study and no.point in going, as learning nothing new except math. I ask gim to make friends, but not many are willing to. I myself observed this in some occasions. We tell him, just few months, highschool will be diff with many opportunities. He likes music editing, video games…says atleast he get to talk to people. I feel bad, as he even tried post school activities, again already have their own groups. he hates hw, bug manages to finish last moment and get good grades. I cant buy him friends. but hoping to get done r months and praying, highschool will have better friends.

March 14, 2019 at 9:15 pm

This all sounds great, but my husband and I have tried pretty much all of these suggestions. Our 15 year old son is failing in school. We try to speak to him in an encouragingtone and don’t yell at him or make demands. He is now lying to us about things and has a very poor attitude about school. I’ve reached out to teachers and feel they see him as a distraction in their classes. At the end of the day, these teachers don’t have time to try to help those who are uninterested and not paying attention. Sad, but true. He isn’t in sports or other activities. He has tried things but we didn’t force him to continue when he became uninterested. So many factors…. he has lost privileges and can only earn them back by showing academic improvement. At this point, we are so frustrated and feel like failures as parents. Our next step is contacting a school counselor. Any thoughts are appreciated……

March 17, 2019 at 3:44 am

What can I do my daughter is 14 and she doesn’t respect me or her stepmother or stepfather or her father she is constantly playing with young children and doesn’t want to learn or do homework and she fails to do small things like help with cleaning or washing dishes I don’t know what to do anymore

May 23, 2019 at 10:13 am

It’s like air being let out of a balloon half way – I’m decompressing a little just seeing her by these comments I’m not alone. My daughter started with anxiety and then depression in grade 8. She’s in Grade 10 now and after 3 different counsellors over 2 years we are now on the 3rd. Fourth change of medication. In Grade 10 now she’s missed about 80% of school year saying it’s anxiety and fear of having an attack. I feel she’s clinging on to the illness as if it’s wanted. She also lies about reasons not to go to school as well. Yesdaterday she wouldn’t go afraid to ask the math teacher when she could right the last missed test (after having 3 hours with a home tutor to prepare) saying she’ll panic. This morning up but wouldn’t go because no internet working in the half an hour before we left home. Excuse after excuse. Rude to younger brother, everything about her, no respect for me or her Dad. Now she’s saying she’s transgender and after everything in the last two years and the fact that this seems so completely out of the blue I don’t know how to parent this child. Do you all think the widespread flux of teen mental illness is a social contagion? Monkey see monkey do? I am at my wits end – I don’t know if I can cope with all of these mood swings and refusal to go more than a day a week (school). My blood pressure is through the roof and my husband and son is sick of this wheel of manipulation and acting 5 years old asked to do something she has no interest in doing like making her own sandwich or going to school. What am I going to do?

August 15, 2019 at 9:43 pm

This article assumes the child is going to school. My child wont get out of the bed and it’s the 3rd day of school in a brand new private school for children with anxiety and learning disabilities that has been purposely designed to be stress free. No homework, and no high stakes tests. It seems very much she is just being defiant and doesnt care how much money this school costs. She wouldnt go to middle school and so we out her in virtal school. She wouldnt do the classes and was kicked out of all but one that she only ended up finishing half of. I obviously haven’t nagged her about attending school because she wasnt in school and by the 3rd day with no nagging at all, no homework, nothing like that, she already refuses to attend. I have done nothing but give her space to make her own choices. This doesnt seem to be working.

September 4, 2019 at 11:32 am

Hi. Just came across this site, which I find very helpful. My son who’s 13 going on 14 in a few months has already stated that he hates school( grade 9). My son has a learning disability and is so worried that he won’t be able to do the work. On top of everything this is a new school where he doesn’t know anyone as yet. He seems very sad and withdrawn. Any anyone has any suggestions please share. Thanks

October 29, 2019 at 4:45 am

I can relate to many of the comments above. My 10th grade son did great in school up to 7th grade. Then he stopped paying attention and doing homework. If we don’t check on a daily basis, his assignments won’t get completed. He will lie to us if we don’t actually check. He is also very disorganized and we do weekly check ins to make sure his binders and folders are organized.

After many conversations and lectures (I now know I shouldn’t lecture) he just told us he doesn’t like school. He doesn’t say why. I’m very open minded and just want to help him but he doesn’t want to open up to me. I’m not sure how to get through to him.

I just want him to have a good happy life. This articles says that I shouldn’t overemphasize the importance of school but how is he going to have a good future without an education.? I don’t expect “A” grades. I just want him to graduate high school. I lowered my expectations so that I don’t put pressure on him but it doesn’t seem to be helping.

My daughter is a straight A student and doesn’t need me to check that she’s up to date on her assignments. I don’t say that in front of them, because I don’t want him to feel bad. I’ve changed jobs and switched to part time so I can be home more too. I’ve done a lot for him and don’t understand why he won’t try to meet me half way.

October 31, 2019 at 12:36 am

Dang, Michelle, I feel like I could have written this! My name is Michelle & I have a 10th grader that also did great up through 7th. He learned to read easily. Teachers like his personality. He has a small but good friend group. (His best friend is in the top of the class & super smart so he hangs out with people that model good grades.) I have been wondering if it’s because he’s an only child so no sibling rivalry to push him but I see your son has a sibling so that doesn’t explain things. I also thought it was a rough transition from middle school to high school & I was glad freshman year was behind him. We’re 2 months into a new school year & he has an F in Honors English from not turning things in. Right now my plan is to meet with the school counselor. I’m setting up hearing & eye tests even though I’m confident that’s not the problem. We’re also willing to do family counseling. I just want him to know we’re not giving up on him. If he makes questionable life decisions as an adult that’s on him. For these next couple years, I’m going to try my best. It’s hard & it makes me feel like a failure. To all the parents on here looking for answers, you’re not alone. Thanks for posting, Michelle!

November 6, 2019 at 9:29 am

My story is very similar to most comments, l have a son who is in grade 9, he refuses to go to school when l ask him why he hasn’t been to school he tells me that school is boring. “When l get ready for school each morning then something tells me not to go then l stay home” thats him telling me. What should l do in this case, please help.

November 8, 2019 at 12:15 am

Very useful article before giving up with my teenage son.

January 2, 2020 at 1:34 pm

I have a 14 year old freshman daughter who is high achieving/gifted. All Honors, small Catholic school her grades near perfect. The issue is she full on hates school and for 3 years has had complete emotional meltdowns about going to school. She cries often and calls school prison for children. It seems mainly stemming from difficulty connecting with kids her age even her friends. She is seeing a psychologist about this but she calls her therapist a waste of time. Alternative options such as home school, cyber school seems either untenable or not as good as her present school. Looking for strategies to help her.

January 12, 2020 at 6:50 pm

I relate to the “school prision” concept because my 15 year old daughter also feels that way. All I can say is that Meditation practice has helped me to stay calm about all this situation and that is very important to be ok as parents so we can help our kids in the best way possible. It is not easy to have this problem and wish all the best to all the parents and kids that are going through this. Great advice in this article. May all be well, happy and peaceful.

January 7, 2020 at 8:04 pm

Would it be a bad idea to share this article with my son as a “restart” on how to deal with this situation together? He is 15 and very reserved.

January 7, 2020 at 8:06 pm

I think that would be worth a try, Theresa. All the best!

January 24, 2020 at 10:39 pm

My 13 year old son is always angry. Tells me he hates school so much and his teachers. He’s not bullied and has lots of friends. I just think he is overwhelmed as he has adhd and always struggled in school. He has no special help which I think he needs, but I live in a small town so there’s no resources available. He’s missed so much school because he gets upset stomachs in the morning before school. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m losing this battle. I try to explain to him that school is important and to just try your best but it doesn’t work.

February 13, 2020 at 5:45 am

Kids are curious and when they want to know the answer to their question they google it. Therefore they don’t have the patience to sit and listen to a teacher yaking about some boring topic They are used to quick fast information coming from there phone, instant gratification. Having to read excessive information, learning math equations that they don’t see themselves using in life feels like a waste of their brain cells. School has become long and daunting ,nothing but high pressure, The result is go to an expensive college and then to try and find a job probably out of state away from family and friends where the wages may not be high enough to purchase a home, nice car or to meet the high prices of today’s economy. The exceptionally smart and gifted will meet those goals. What about the average or below average? Where is the reward?

February 27, 2020 at 11:20 pm

Sad but absolutely true 🙁

February 16, 2020 at 6:30 pm

Teens are have many cross roads to traverse. They’re sort of leaving behind the child that they were and find they now have to walk in another skin/body. My son has lost a lot of interest in school work. It’s just not a big deal to him to hand in projects on time. A secure future is simply not floating in their brain whereas it’s all we as adults think about.

I thought of finding a common ground with him. I’m trying to be interested in his music. It’s the one thing he is vocal about. Funny thing: they have their own perspectives. I hear useless swearing that grates on my nerves and he hears it as the artist emphasising pain or anger etc.

So I bite. I listen. I try to understand and when I don’t… I bite.

Thank you Daniel for my new mantra – elephant, small bites

Maybe the next time I’m about to explode, i’ll visualise him as an elephant

April 30, 2020 at 1:35 am

I’m having the same challenges with my 15 year old daughter. In response to the article and in reading some of the comments here – it’s not fair to assume or to make all parents feel like they’re to blame for their child’s attitude towards school. In reading the comments, it seems like a lot of these parents are thinking they’re the ones doing something wrong . How can any of us be doing something wrong when we are seeking help. It seems like everyone here has tried something to help their kids in one way or another. One answer is not the cure-all for everyone. Kids are being homeschooled, put on medication, taken to hospitals, put in therapy, etc (mine included for all four and then some…) and we should be proud of ourselves for doing what we can to make the situation better. We are helping. We are doing the right thing. If you all can’t see or believe that, then all your attempts at helping your child mean nothing. Just because nothing seems to be working doesn’t mean you’re doing it all wrong.

School (especially high school) is much, much different today than when we went. Teachers don’t care, they bully our kids as much as other students do. It’s amazing how one stupid comment from a higher authority can turn your entire world around. We as adults know how to deal with that, teenagers don ‘t. When one teacher treats a kid like crap, that kid assumes they all do. They feel there’s no one at school they can trust. the school setting is enough to ruin a kid -even honor roll students -social anxiety kills their abilities. That is mental HELL for any kid. That can start the whole ball rolling. Our kids are going to stand their ground and try to get their own way – think back to when you were a teenager. Parents suck and no one’s gonna tell us what to do. No one cares. No one is trying to help (even though we bust our asses to do anything and everything we can). They can’t see that and they won’t until they get older and “grow up”. They won’t talk to us because they think WE won’t understand.

An education is important. It’s drilled into our heads from the time we learn to talk. I think the turning point is when they begin to realize that for themselves. Not everyone is going to college, not everyone is going to be another Bill Gates. That does not mean they’re a failure. But, when they finally realize what they want to get out of life, they’ll realize that they have to work for what they want. I can tell you one thing – a GED makes no difference in anybody’s eyes except your own. You still have to study, you still have to learn. As a matter of fact, it’s harder than going through 4 years of school. It’s more like 4 years crammed into one then taking a big 10 hour test over 2 days time reviewing everything you learned at once. It’s HARD. And if your kid can pull it off, they are smarter than any kid living through hell in a high school setting. What I’m getting at with that is – that kid was ME. I’m 45, I dropped out of school in 10th grade – was being bullied by my peers and teachers. That September I enrolled in a GED class at a community college – spent a year studying – passed my GED with flying colors and graduated high school a year earlier than I would have. Later, I attended that same community college for 2 years, got accepted into a 4 year college, later passed the Bar and I’m currently a Lawyer practicing in New York.I I don’t expect the same from my daughter and I’m not pushing her in that direction just because I did it. She doesn’t even know about it. All I can say is We can just continue what we’re doing – without thinking we’re to blame – knowing that we love our kids and hoping eventually they may get out of this funk. Let’s not kill ourselves trying to do the best we can. “

May 8, 2020 at 1:49 am

I am glad to hear I am not alone in this. My 15 yr old likes going to the school but ditches classes to hang out. Sometimes with friends, sometimes just by herself. She is on anxiety medication because the first semester of this year she was throwing up almost everyday. Now with the virtual school she cannot go a whole week of logging into her classes and participating. It is so frustrating, I have her on a 504 plan for extra help and tools to de-stress but she is not interested in helping herself at all. Her younger sisters are tired of her not having to do school or homework. I am at a loss here to help her.

May 12, 2020 at 11:39 am

My son 17 year a high school senior very rude , selfish and disrespectful to us mean to his brother. He is always in his room and on his phone . Now with this pandemic and everyone staying home I can’t see him like this all day . He is not doing any work posted by teachers almost failing each subject . He thinks school doesn’t matter now that he already admitted in college. My worry is how will he survive in college. Any suggestions to deal this situation.

January 21, 2021 at 3:50 pm

Currently, I am an unemployed school counselor. It’s been a while since I was college counseling for high schoolers. I think it’s easy for some students to assume all is good once they are accepted into their college. You\he might want to look into how the college handles final semester grades. From memory, some colleges may retract the offer to attend based on these “not so good” final grades. Something to look into and think about.

Also, in college there is academic probation keeping students on track. If he wants to graduate, he would not be able to fail courses for very long. Fortunately, there are tutors (even at the college level) that he could have assess to and of course counselors. I always found college to be a very different environment and he will most likely enjoy the experience.

I hope this helps.

May 14, 2020 at 2:05 pm

I kept reading and re-reading some of the entries left here and it just breaks my heart. I also agree with everything Kelly said on April 30th. We have to stop beating ourselves up if we’re doing everything in our power to support our kids. My son is 17 and would be a junior in high school if he were still in a brick and mortar building. My story starts on the last day of 1st grade for him when his teacher said “We’ll have to keep an eye on him, he’s not reading at the first grade level.” I was speechless! I thought “We had parent/teacher conferences all through the school year and she never made it sound that serious”. In 4th grade I took him to an eye doctor who diagnosed him with Dyslexia. Every time I brought it up to his teachers, I was ignored or I was told that they had “checked” him and said he didn’t have Dyslexia, even though I saw it in his school papers. That was my first (enormous) mistake. I trusted the school to be the expert on his education. If someone would have told me that they couldn’t test him for Dyslexia (by law, I found out years later), then I would have taken him to an expert then when he was still young enough to go along with (most of) what we wanted him to do. By the time I realized what had really been going on it was much too late. In reality, he was never taught how to read. Kids/people with dyslexia need to be taught to read with Structured Literacy, not a blend of Traditional Literacy and Structured Literacy that is taught in most schools. It is just too confusing for them. So week after week, month after month and year after year, school just got more and more difficult for him. He always hated school. He was always late getting up and gradually being late more and more often. Finally, by 8th grade, his IEP teacher started teaching him Structured Literacy and he got up to almost grade level in reading for the first time ever in school. When he started Middle School he was reading at 4th grade level. His teacher never told me that she was teaching that – I’m not sure she was supposed to be. We were cautiously optimistic about high school. We worked very hard to make it look like a technical school because the other side of his brain is a decade ahead of his peers. His 1st project vehicle was when he was 15, and he switched out a transmission in a 99 Chevy Blazer with some help from his dad. Most backyard (adult) mechanics would not EVER attempt a project like that. The very first week of 9th grade, his social studies teacher introduced herself as having received a degree in Special Education, that’s why she was hired at that high school – to teach Special Education, and that’s why she was teaching that class. He took it to mean Special Needs and it DESTROYED him. He started refusing to go to school. We were horrified. We told him you can’t do this. Ultimately, it’s against the law. We had no idea what to do. We had meeting after meeting with the teachers and vice-principal all year long. He continued to refuse to go to school. I begged him to just go for his auto tech and wood shop classes. Just go for lunch. Just get in the building. He couldn’t make himself do it. I worked part-time and would get home at 1:15p – 1:30p. He would be laying in the dark in his room just staring at the wall. He wouldn’t be home all day watching tv or playing video games. He wouldn’t come out of his room until his dad left for work at 1:45p.; he works 3p – 11p. Some times when we pushed him to hard to go to school, he wouldn’t eat all day until 9:30p at night. We kept trying to find the right motivation for him to go to school and kept failing. My son learned to drive a skid steer when he was 5 and a pick up truck when he was 7. He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t get his license when he was 8. Driving was all he has ever wanted to do. When he was a few weeks away from turning 15, I told him that we needed to see some kind of effort from him to get up in the morning to try to go to school. Even if he didn’t go to school right away, we needed to see some kind of effort from him. I told him that if we didn’t see even the least bit of effort, we didn’t know if we could let him get his permit when he turned 15. I thought this was my ultimate weapon; this was going to be the ultimate factor to get him to make some kind of effort. He thought about it for all of 3 – 5 seconds and said, “Well, we both know that’s not going to happen.” That was the exact moment that I knew that success in school was not about finding the right motivation for him . I was never going to be able to explain that to his school or anyone at school. However, that’s when I got on his side. It was a very fine line between supporting him and trying to run interference with the school. He had texted me several times, that he would rather die than go to school. He texted the same thing to my adult daughter who has been very close to him. (She has a masters degree in psychology). When my son’t best friend texted me asking if he was ok, he was talking about hurting himself, I knew I had to do something else. We tried the following: Seeing a psychologist – this psychologist was a specialist with kids with school issues, my son didn’t make a connection with him, and I couldn’t get him to agree to see another one. The psychologist worked with me to make situations easier to deal with at the time. We had a MRI done – my son used to bang his head on the floor or the wall when he was upset or angry. I wanted to make sure there hadn’t been any unknown damage done. It came back normal. We had Brain Wave testing done. There was certainly some areas of his brain that were very slow at time and very fast at other levels. We still haven’t decided to do the treatment. It’s very expensive and my son has to be willing to do it. We talked to another psychologist/specialist who deals with learning challenges and differences. We did on-line schooling for a year. It was better than going to the brick and mortar, for sure. We started that about 2 months into 10th grade because we got served papers by the school to go to court for truancy. He wouldn’t go to school at the beginning of the school year and this was the only re-course they had apparently. We have not been going to court since October 2018 and it’s still not over. Last October, the court agreed to let him get his GED so he could learn just what he needs to pass the GED. The magistrate told him that it’s now up to him to decide when he wants to get it done. He still isn’t spending any time on it, but the court-appointed Guardian-ad-Litem keeps wanting an update. My battle in that whole situation isn’t over. However, about 4-5 weeks after he started the online schooling, I heard him laugh. I thought to myself, he has a funny little laugh. I kept thinking about it and wondered why it sounded so strange, and it occurred to me that I hadn’t heard him laugh in over a year and a half! Here is what I’ve decided – Some kids are not cut out for school, our school system is not right for all kids, and unfortunately, schools lack the funding and the general motivation to make fundamental changes. Our kids are growing up in a completely different culture than ANY generation before them. The internet, gives them a world view that no one had before at their age and no way to help them deal with it. Kids are dealing with adult topics and not knowing the first thing about it, or adults aren’t letting them do things that we didn’t do when we were that age. Nothing illegal, obviously, but my son is a great driver. He passed his drivers’ ed classes with flying colors. His first (road) instructor said that is all kids were as good as he was, they wouldn’t have to have a drivers’ ed school. She had to find things to challenge him on his driving test. I think it’s one of God’s cruel jokes that the last part of a kids brain to develop is common sense, logic and reasoning. This doesn’t usually happen till the age of 21, and in boys can be as late as 24. I’m still not laughing… One good book I read was Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax, MD, PhD I don’t know if he will get his GED. I don’t like to think that he won’t, but he’s going to make his own way, and he’s going to be okay. I hear constantly about “famous people” who had dyslexia or struggled in school and hated school and their are quite successful, including Henry Winkler Richard Branson. … Tom Cruise. … Leonardo da Vinci. … Walt Disney. … Jim Carrey. … Albert Einstein – enough said!

Another important thing that happened was he started taking melatonin. He could tell right away that he could get a better night’s sleep. I found a formula that was 2 layers. The first layer helped him get to sleep and the other layer helped him stay asleep. Before melatonin, mornings were horrible. He would just growl at us when we were trying to wake him up for school. Turns out he wasn’t able to get to sleep till about 3am and we were trying to wake him up out of a deep sleep for school. He couldn’t even form a sentence and all he could say was NO! Melatonin made a huge difference.

The most interesting thing that I’ve found recently is a study out of the U.K. that said “School Refusers” (that’s a real term) have often suffered a traumatic event that caused them to feel unsafe, insecure, etc., and when left untreated can be considered PTSD. My son’s event was that teacher in 9th grade 2 1/2 years ago. It destroyed him. His best friend was in the exact same class, with the exact same classes in middle school with the exact same teacher, and the statement that new teacher made didn’t affect him at all. I don’t know why it happened, but it did and I’m just dealing with it. Some times it’s one day at a time, some times an hour at a time because any time that nasty word (school) comes up he retreats, won’t talk to me and we all get the flashbacks, just like PTSD. My son is much happier now. He works on trucks and cars, helps out friends all the time, works for our (elderly) neighbors and helps with afternoon chores at a no-kill animal shelter – feeding horses, cleaning stalls, and much more. He has a girlfriend and works part-time with her dad with construction and snow removal. I don’t know where we’ll end up in court, but I believe that some day some one will influence him to finish his GED. If it’s possible, find out what they love to do and find a way to let them do it. This could take some time because they’ve spent so much time and energy fighting against what make them unhappy that they don’t know what they love to do. The one thing I have always told him is that no matter what – I love him. I also told him that I’m not going to give up on his dream – he wants to be a diesel mechanic and a welder. Even when he told me that he wanted to give up on his dream, I haven’t; I’m just not shoving it down his throat. He’s just not the same as other kids. It doesn’t mean he’s not as good as other kids, but he is better in other ways. I support him in any way I can. I’ve been way outside my comfort zone many time during this journey, but I keep putting one step in from of the other and I’m still standing. I hope this helps some of you to see it from another perspective entirely.

May 28, 2020 at 11:53 am

You said so much of what I wanted to point out. In the entire article above there is no mention of the possibility of learning disabilities. My kiddo is 13 and just drew me the most heartbreaking picture of what school feels like to them… crushing, dark, attacking, joyless. The same kid who spends ten hours learning their first computer animation–motivation is not the problem. We are doing our best for our extraordinary kids in a system that is geared for the most ordinary.

March 24, 2021 at 9:23 am

Wow, you gave me so much to think about. My son is 15 and refusing to go to school. Unfortunately, he had a traumatic event happen to him when he was in 1st grade. I know he has struggled with school for years but until this year, he went to school. Then covid hit and school went online. He has spent the last months refusing to do anything. I’ve had no help from the school, teachers, and psychologist. I think I need to come up with a new plan thanks to reading your letter. Thanks for sharing your story.

September 10, 2022 at 7:29 pm

Kathy, First of all thank you for your words of wisdom. In a desperate moment I started browsing the internet for a miracle answer to all my questions . I wish I could put in writing all my feelings . Basically I am not desperate parent searching for a solution to my son’s lack of desire to attend school and do all his assignments. He is now 15 years old. He seems to be a normal kid in terms of learning ability however there is something that makes him different from most a/b students. My son goes to school simply because he knows he does not have a choice but he totally ignores his assignments without any fear of consequences from the teachers . He has been struggling since elementary school. Back then when he was a little boy I offered my assistance in class to the teachers just to keep an eye on him. At 15 years old in high school the same approach will not happen. He would he mortified if were to show up in class. This weekend the school principal asked to talk to us ( unfortunately I am divorced from his father ). Of course I blame myself and question how much my broken relationship with the father has damaged my son. As a child of divorced parents it must be very difficult to adapt to two completely different household rules and ideas. Bottom line i am the structure and strict parent . My son’s father ( my son adores his father) is the laid back guy without any rules- messy home and free phone and video games ! I tell the school technology has been the major negative contributing factor- my son would stay on the phone watching utube videos all day if he could . Obviously my son has no desire in school. He says he loves to draw but he hates when his art teachers make him draw what they want him to draw. Just like any other parent I want my child to be happy doing whatever makes him happy. Sometimes I feel like society forces all children to go through the school system – not all children are the same. It must be hard for a child to be forced to attend school the same way an adult has to get up evey morning to go to work and do a job they hate. My son is a respectful kid according to all the teachers but they all mention the same thing ” he is a respectful student but it seems that he out there in his own bubble the entire class”

I know some of these comments werw from 2020 which was a very difficult and stressful time . I wonder now how your son is doing two years later. I will read the book mentioned ” Boys” and I also will look for a doctor to do a total check up . Maybe an MRI will show if there is any abnormalities with his brain/ learning abilities. Life is a huge challenge – as a female professional in a make dominated world i have introduced my son to a very wealthy and prestigious career . Of course my dream may not be his dream . At this point I am searching for help trying to figure out how to help him without making him miserable by forcing his to wake up every morning to do something he hates. I pray I pray and I pray. Thank you all for your comments. It makes me feel a little better to know I am not alone in this journey .

May 12, 2023 at 11:09 pm

Kathy, You wrote this in 2020, how is your son doing now? My son sounds very similar. Dyslexia that the school will never recognize, doesn’t do well in school, but loves working on cars, trucks, trailers…anything mechanical. He is a good kid, but we continue to have the same argument over grades! I just don’t know what to do at this point.

June 18, 2020 at 8:41 pm

I have a beautiful 13 year old daughter that has so many signs of depression,anxiety,anger issues,isolation,anxiety, has trouble learning ,hates school, and I recently found out she cut herself for the first time. I have found help here in our town as of yesterday I pray to our Lord they can help I’ve tried and have done all I know how and keep looking for more ways before it’s to late. I’ve never felt so helpless but feeling hopeful.

March 22, 2021 at 12:08 pm

Hi I’m a 13 yr old boy and I have an 11 yr old brother with pda (a type of autism thing, it stands for pathoalogical demand avoidance) and he hates school and hates my little sister who is 6 yrs old. We find that having a dog helps a lot.

April 30, 2021 at 11:01 pm

Very useful commentary. I guess I should just give my son a break and not nag him. But it’s hard when he’s in detention every day and doesn’t do his homework.

The only thing that irked me a bit is “If your teen is exhibiting several of these symptoms, seek help right away.”. I have sought help and there is very little available. We have even paid a small fortune for a private pyschologist assessment which concluded that my teen has ADHD but it hasn’t really changed anything because now we’re waiting for the NHS/CAHMS (UK medical services) to take the next steps, i.e. to figure out whether medication would be of benefit, and prescribing it if so… and it seems to take literally years for them to do anything.

May 2, 2022 at 10:10 am

I agree. “Seek help right away” is useless. Down here in Melbourne AU we have a mental health crisis thanks to all the COVID fear and lockdowns and many counsellors and psychologists aren’t even taking waiting lists they are so overloaded. Having watched my family head down the path of pharmaceutical drugs for my brother’s depression and anxiety I would beg anybody to try a therapeutic approach before putting their child on medication. My brother finally met the right person who got him involved in daily exercise, being in the outdoors and taking mental health vitamins and organic food and it has literally changed his life. There is a guy called Jacques Duff in Melbourne who you can read about. He treats ADHD through diet and hormone balancing. He’s amazing. All the best to you and your family – I really do understand

May 2, 2022 at 10:03 am

My son is now 15 and has hated school since he was 7. I can’t put words to what it’s like trying to support and encourage a child with processing delays, low self esteem and a socially-resistant personality type. Add 2 years of ‘COVID’ hell to the problem and I am now living a daily hell of trying to get him out of bed. He has been “abandoned” by his friends who have moved on during COVID while he was avoiding school in between lockdowns and now I just have a drop out. I am paying AU$40k pa for a private school he hates and doesn’t want to attend but he won’t open his mind to alternative situations either. As a parent it feels like a dead end at every turn when you are dealing with mainstream education. I have lost all trust in the ‘system’ and don’t trust the school counsellor as she ambushed me in a meeting by bringing in other teachers who took notes. My son has no behavioural problems but lots of mental blocks and anxiety. I am so lost. My older child never experienced anything like this and I am a sole parent with nowhere to turn. I’ve tried everything from sports, road trips, art projects, coding camps – you name it, I’ve done it. This child is like a rock who I’m trying to get something out of. I’ve been positive and supportive 9 years but I’m just about ready to collapse with him. None of the teachers care, nobody seems to ‘care’. It’s just a despairing situation with few options living in a backward country like Melbourne Australia

September 17, 2022 at 12:37 am

wow, 15 seems to be the common age for this. Mine is 14 going on 15 in december

My daughters a good girl, always been very smart, well behaved etc. but she’s having anxiety . This pandemic surely didn’t help.

At first I played the good guy, i’ve been nothing but understanding for about 2 weeks as i know anxiety runs in my family. But I’ve tried so many things, i’ve switched to the school she originally wanted to go to…that never worked out so i tried to get her into a school where a bigger crowd of her friends go, but they are full so powerless there.

So I asked the vice principal if they can switch her back to online learning (even though it is offered as mandatory by the school board and when we first went in he gave us the option, funny ), but nope he says my reason wasn’t good enough its only for kids suscepticle to covid — i know she wouldn’t have a huge problem with that, atleast she’d be getting her credits. She didn’t want to do online learning because “none of her friends are anymore” (like if they jumped off a cliff would she ?) but atleast she would be getting her credits !

I’ve also never cared how well she does in her grades as long as she passes, she is the one who gets down on herself if her grades aren’t 70s,80s,90,100s. I always say who cares?you passed, i had a hard time in school too. Nobody likes it.

So not i am calling everywhere, the school board,her old school to try to figure something out. Shes a good girl i hate to see her potential go to waste. Anyway i got fraustrated and decided to play the bad guy which i assume hasnt helped. Not sure what else to do at this point. Hoping the school board will help when they get back to me

March 30, 2023 at 3:06 pm

Our educational system is broken. After reading all of these comments our students are hating school and nothing is being done to help them…I am a retired educator, but I agree with the students on all they are saying and feeling.The tests they are given are just about money in peoples pockets. It is not about our students. I agree with the ones that want to quit school. They have nothing to look forward to. Everyone is an individual and needs to be treated as such. Our schools have become prisons and a very frightening place to have to go daily. If I had a school aged student this day and time that hated school, I would tell them to just attend classes until you can drop out and then do so… I would have them take a sabbatical for a year to 18 months to be able to destress and unwind. Then have them get their GED until the system is fixed…all the students that hate school certainly have a right to…EVERYONE HAS HEARD, IF IT AIN’T BROKE, DON’T FIX IT…WELL IT IS BROKEN AND NOT ONE PERSON IS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT, EXCEPT WATCHING OUR YOUTH LIVING LIKE ZOMBIES ON MEDICATION OR BEING SUICIDAL. GET WHOMEVER THAT CAN BRING ABOUT CHANGE THAT IS NEEDED AND SIT DOWN WITH THEM AND LISTEN AND GET THIS SH!T FIXED…AND I BELIEVE THE STUDENTS WHEN THEY SAY THEY ARE BEING BULLIED BY SOME OF THE TEACHERS…AND YOU ARE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND WHY OUR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM IS BROKEN…BEING FISH LEARNING TO CLIMB TREES JUST DOES NOT WORK…IT IS TIME FOR THE ADULTS IN OUR SYSTEM TO CHANGE…IF YOU EXPECT TO SEE A CHANGE…THEN BE THE CHANGE.

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What to Do When Your Teen is Failing School and Doesn’t Care

Elisa Cinelli

A report card full of D’s and F’s can be upsetting for a parent to see. It’s especially frustrating if it seems like your teen just doesn’t care.

 But what do you do? 

You can’t force your kid to put their best effort into their schoolwork, and trying to do so may damage your relationship.

On the other hand, teens can’t always grasp how important their high school grades are and what effect they may have on their futures. Parents should do their best to set their kids up for success and rule out any barriers that may be the root cause of their child’s poor school performance.

Related: A+ Parenting: 9 Tips to Boost Bad Grades

Ahead, we outline the actions that you can take if your teenager is failing school because of a seeming lack of motivation .

Ask an Expert: What Do I Do if My Kid Doesn't Care About School or Grades?

Connie Collins , a professional school counselor with over 35 years working in education as both a teacher and school counselor, weighs in on how concerned parents should respond to kids or teens who don’t put any effort into school or try to get good grades

  Q: My son is in seventh grade and is failing most classes. He has the ability to get As and Bs without much effort, but he doesn't care and either hurries through his homework or just doesn't do it at all.   I've tried punishing him, taking things away, talking with him, and meeting with teachers and counselors , but nothing seems to work. Any ideas on how to get him to care about school and his grades?   A: You say you have talked with his teachers and counselors. Did those meetings result in a plan? Was your son involved in that plan? If the answers are no, I would suggest going back to the school and doing just that. Is there a set time and place free of TV, computer, stereo, etc. for him to do this homework? Does he have to use that time reading if he says he doesn't have homework?  Do you or your partner spend some study time with him talking about his work and checking it over?  Where does the homework go when finished – in his folder, in his backpack, near the door?  Many bright seventh-graders have no idea how to organize or how to study. Does he need some help in this area? You speak of punishment and rewards , but not of consequences. Are they logical and immediate?  What happens if he fails seventh grade? Have you decided as a family and made clear to him that he will be spending summer going to summer school – not on vacation or being with his friends?  That might help put things into perspective and show him that doing well in school impacts other parts of his life. 

Set Your Teen up For Success in School

Teenagers aren’t full-fledged adults yet, and they are still developing their executive function skills. Setting up a schedule and a quiet environment for them to study in can go a long way in helping them succeed. 

Often a bit of external structure can help your child get a good grade. The resulting feeling may help them develop intrinsic motivation.

• Choose a table in a room free from distractions. If possible, the table should be completely clear of anything but your kid’s work.
• Make a schedule. When is your teen going to work? Should they come home and study first thing after school before they have free time, or will it work better for them to have a snack and some downtime to socialize first? The answer to this will depend on your child. Involve them in this decision.
• Buy a planner. If your teenager doesn’t already have a planner, have them pick one out. Show them how to list out homework and study tasks with a box next to each that they can check off once complete.

Identify the Obstacles

Often what looks like laziness is truly overwhelming. Don’t assume that your child just doesn’t care. When missing assignments snowball, kids can start to feel like they’ll never catch up. Try to figure out what is stopping them from completing their work.

Sit down and have a conversation with your teen, without judgment. Make it very clear that you are not upset and that they are not in trouble.

 The goal is to get them to open up to you so that the two of you can get to the bottom of what’s causing their bad grades.

Common obstacles include:

• Volume of reading is too high or the material is too complex
• Foundational math or science skills weren’t mastered so now the more advanced classes aren’t accessible to your child
• Difficulty balancing academics and sports or other activities
• Not enough time to do all the work (might need to prioritize)
• A condition such as ADHD or a learning disability that makes school more challenging 
• Mental health needs to be addressed — maybe bullying or another issue is impacting your teen’s self-esteem and needs to be taken care of with professional help before your child can focus properly on academics

Consider Accommodations

“Not caring” can be a coping mechanism for kids who have given up because they have lost their confidence. It’s possible for learning disabilities to show up at an older age, even if they didn’t seem obvious during the elementary years.

Talk to your school counselor about your concerns and they will help you decide whether you want to assess your child. If you do, make sure that your child understands that you don’t think there is anything wrong with them, but you want to learn more about how you and the school can help them. 

You might also let them decide whether they want to be assessed.

Possible learning disabilities include:

• Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder : affects the ability to focus and executive functioning
• Dyscalculia : difficulty with math and logical thinking
• Dysgraphia : problems with handwriting and spelling
• Dyslexia : affects reading and language processing

Emotional trauma or mental health issues may also be a barrier to your teen’s motivation and academic success. 

You should also consider whether they might need therapy or antidepressants to help get them through a difficult time and to support their school achievement.

Use Natural Consequences

Experience is often the best teacher. Try to let your child suffer the natural consequences of failing whenever possible. It can be tempting to swoop in and save our kids at the last minute, but it’s better for them to learn the consequences of their actions while they are young.

 It’s better to be stuck in summer school because you didn’t do your work than to be fired from a job at an older age in “real life.”

That being said, natural consequences are not always the safe choice. You don’t want to let your child fail without giving them the support they need. Use your judgment when using natural consequences with teens, and regardless, make sure they know that you are always there for them and that you love them unconditionally.

These strategies are less effective with teens, who are becoming more independent (a good thing!). If it becomes a power struggle, it’s not likely to help motivate your teen to care.

If you say, “You can’t play video games until you have done your homework,” you’re likely to end up with a teen who doesn’t do either and doesn’t care. But if your kid wants to avoid having to repeat a school year of high school, they may decide to do their work on their own.

Set Goals Together

Try sitting down with your teen and coming up with some goals together. Remember, these are your kid’s goals, not yours. 

You’ll never be able to force them to get on board with your goals. And you shouldn’t have to. A 14-year-old or 15-year-old kid should be coming up with their own plans for their future.

Start by looking at the long term. What do they want to achieve when they grow up? What options do they want available to them? That’s completely up to them. The next step is to set short-term goals that work towards their long-term goal. his is where you come in. 

 Your job is to help them see what stepping stones there are along the road to their aspirations. And that might not mean that they need to be a straight-A student or that they need to attend a university instead of a community college . There are many ways for teens to succeed that don’t revolve around their grades. 

Remember though — the short-term goals need to align with what your kids want to achieve. Pushing your own narrative won’t get them to care. But supporting their dreams likely will.

Steps for Setting Academic Goals: 

• Have your teen come up with one to three long-term goals for their future — where do they want to be in 5 or 10 years? 
• Help them come up with short-term goals that lead directly to their long-term goal. For example: focusing on studying for biology class now will help them if they want to become a veterinarian after college 
• Figure out what support they need to meet their short-term goals and help them get that support.
• Write out a plan with actionable steps that your teen can check off. We recommend our High School Homework Checklist for Parents . 

Check Your Relationship with Your Teen

It’s normal if your relationship with your teen seems to be a bit strained. Teenagers are gaining independence and trying to fit in with their peer’s values . This is all healthy and expected.

That being said, the teenage years are also one of the most important times to nurture your relationship. You want your teen to be able to trust that they can come to you for anything.

Falling grades or apathy about school may be a sign that your teen needs you more than ever. Consider how much quality family time you are spending. 

With parents’ and teens’ jam-packed schedules, it’s easy to lose track of that family dinner or find time just to sit and talk. 

Even if it’s just in the car on the way to practice, try to carve out some time for you and your teen to be together and enjoy each other’s company.

If your child’s grades are slipping or they seem to have lowered motivation, building a better relationship with you – their parent – can help. 

Parental support builds trust so that they feel comfortable telling you about what might be wrong or what they might be struggling with. It also helps to elevate your child’s mood and self-esteem which may have a positive effect on motivation.

Most important of all, ensure that your child knows that you will always love them, no matter their grades.

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How to Deal With A Teenager Not Interested in Studies Using Brain Science

It is an age-old question: How can we motivate teenagers to study in a way that won’t backfire?

Motivation involves a complex system in the brain.

Conventional strategies such as simple positive reinforcement or punishment usually work temporarily, if at all.

They often backfire, resulting in less motivation in kids.

Find out how to truly motivate a teenager so they can develop the right motivation to study.

Table of Contents

Motivation & The Brain

Motivation is associated with the neurotransmitter dopamine.

Dopamine levels are boosted when we encounter rewarding experiences, such as winning a video game or being praised. In contrast, low dopamine levels are associated with a lack of motivation and boredom.

An optimal dopamine level can lead to high motivation.

It is the key to your teenager’s motivation.

During teenage years, it is very easy for dopamine levels to fall.

So, before raising them, we need to prevent them from dropping.

Stress & The Adolescent Brain

Stress is the enemy of dopamine.

Even mild chronic stress can cause your teenager’s dopamine levels to plummet so that they don’t want to do anything .

While children’s brains grow rapidly during puberty and adolescence, increased plasticity also leaves them vulnerable.

A teenager’s brain is more sensitive to stress.

Chronic stress, also called toxic stress, is not good for anyone at any age. Still, it is particularly harmful to adolescent brains because it may lead to permanent changes in brain development .

Toxic stress during this period also contributes to mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, and drug abuse, often observed during adolescence.

Not only are teenagers more susceptible to stress, but they are also more reactive and emotional.

Therefore, teenagers can lose motivation to study easily and act emotionally over benign requests to do school work.

In a sense, they can’t help it. Their motivation and emotional regulation are quite fragile during this period.

How to Motivate Teenagers to Study

Here is how to convince teenagers to study and help them boost motivation.

1. Stop motivating to stop the stress

Stress not only cannot motivate, but it can also hurt your child’s brain development.

The best thing parents can do to motivate their teenagers to study is to remove stress from their lives.

Sadly, parents are one of the most common sources of chronic stress for teenagers.

You have already reminded your child about what they should do a million times.

More reminders create unnecessary stress for your child.

Here are the chronic stressors to eliminate for them.

• Stop nagging constantly about school work.
• Don’t keep reminding them about college.
• Don’t punish them for poor grades or missing homework.
• No more staying on their cases all the time.

2. Rebuild relationship

Relatedness is one of the most powerful motivators.

It’s the feeling of belonging and connecting with someone who cares. 

Unmotivated teenagers often have strained relationships with their parents.

Motivate them by mending the relationship and becoming a source of strength in your teen’s life instead of stress.

Building a strong parent-child relationship is not much different from building any relationship.

If you are always being ordered around, disrespected, and on the wrong side of things while the other one is always right, would you want to be in a relationship like that?

A strong, positive relationship is built on trust and respect.

We’re raising children to become adults.

Talk to them as adults and discuss things with them when you don’t agree.

A close, warm, and accepting relationship with parents is the strongest predictor of future success .

It gives your teen a robust foundation for their future achievement.

3. Give autonomous support and help them internalize the value of learning

According to Self-Determination Theory, developed by psychology and motivation experts Deci & Ryan at the University of Rochester, teens who think they have control over their activities are more motivated.

Children, especially teenagers, cannot be motivated when they feel controlled or pressured to study.

They need to want to study willingly to have the motivation to do so.

It sounds backward, but it’s true.

When teenagers are allowed the autonomy to decide what activities to engage in, they will be self-driven to do things they deem valuable .

The key is to help them internalize the reasons to study.

Children, especially teenagers, internalize the values of those they feel connected to.

“I need to study because otherwise, I would be punished.”

“I need to study because learning is important to my Mom, and therefore, it’s important to me too”.

Which reason is more compelling? 

But to do this, you need to do #2 above first, i.e. restoring a strong relationship.

Granting a healthy sense of control also means that your teenager will become responsible for things they should be responsible for.

Schoolwork must be your teen’s responsibility, not yours.

So put them in the driver’s seat and let them take that on.

Autonomy is the most important motivator.

Studies show that without a sense of control, your teenager will not be intrinsically motivated to study, even if all the other items on this list are present.

4. Give true autonomy

One of the most common complaints about #3 is that parents panic when they try to give their teenagers autonomy.

When an oppressed teen is suddenly given freedom, some of them will take advantage of that and stop doing everything.

Teens who don’t value education as much as their parents usually reflect a lack of strong bonds with their parents.

When this happens, the parent-child bond is further eroded if the parents immediately declare, “It doesn’t work,” jump back into the driver’s seat and remove the child’s autonomy.

True autonomy is given when the child gets to experience the natural consequences of their action (or the lack of).

If your teen does that, spend more time connecting and strengthening your relationship than nagging about homework.

5. Help them master

The Self-Determination Theory also suggests that a sense of competence can improve motivation.

A sense of mastery can develop when your child tackles a task easy enough to complete but difficult enough for them to feel challenged.

Helping teenagers master schoolwork can help bolster their self-esteem in addition to competence.

If a subject is too hard, feeling motivated to do something you’re not good at will be hard.

If your teenager is struggling with schoolwork because they are not doing well, consider hiring a tutor to help.

Find a tutor your child can relate to because they can motivate your teenager through relatedness.

If school is too easy, look for supplemental classes or materials for your child to work on.

In any case, involve them in making that decision so they can feel in control of their studying.

6. Encourage dopamine-replenishing activities

One way to help teens enhance their dopamine levels is by exercising.

Physical activities can help regulate dopamine release in the brain.

In addition, exercise can improve teenagers’ mood and mental well-being.

Exercise is also related to enhanced cognitive functioning and brain plasticity.

A better mood allows easier relationship building and better brain functioning facilitates the teenager’s mastery.

Encourage your teen to exercise regularly daily to boost their health and motivation to learn.

Final Thought On How To Motivate Teenager To Study

Motivation is complicated because the human brain is one of the most complicated systems in the world.

As technology advances, scientists start to gain a greater understanding of it.

Our strategies in parenting teenagers must also adapt as we have more knowledge about how the brain works.

• 1. Robbins TW, Everitt BJ. Neurobehavioural mechanisms of reward and motivation. Current Opinion in Neurobiology . Published online April 1996:228-236. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/s0959-4388(96)80077-8
• 2. Wise RA. Dopamine, learning and motivation. Nat Rev Neurosci . Published online June 2004:483-494. doi:https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn1406
• 3. Mohebi A, Pettibone JR, Hamid AA, et al. Dissociable dopamine dynamics for learning and motivation. Nature . Published online May 22, 2019:65-70. doi:https://doi.org/10.1038/s41586-019-1235-y
• 4. Eiland L, Romeo RD. Stress and the developing adolescent brain. Neuroscience . Published online September 2013:162-171. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroscience.2012.10.048
• 5. Gagné M, Deci EL. Self-determination theory and work motivation. J Organiz Behav . Published online April 14, 2005:331-362. doi:https://doi.org/10.1002/job.322
• 6. Sutoo D, Akiyama K. Regulation of brain function by exercise. Neurobiology of Disease . Published online June 2003:1-14. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/s0969-9961(03)00030-5
• 7. Heijnen S, Hommel B, Kibele A, Colzato LS. Neuromodulation of Aerobic Exercise—A Review. Front Psychol . Published online January 7, 2016. doi:https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01890
• 8. Deslandes A, Moraes H, Ferreira C, et al. Exercise and Mental Health: Many Reasons to Move. Neuropsychobiology . Published online 2009:191-198. doi:https://doi.org/10.1159/000223730

Disclaimer: The content of this article is intended for informational purposes only and should not be considered medical advice. Always consult your healthcare provider for medical concerns.

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Series: Grace

A Teenager Didn’t Do Her Online Schoolwork. So a Judge Sent Her to Juvenile Detention.

A 15-year-old in Michigan was incarcerated during the coronavirus pandemic after a judge ruled that not completing her schoolwork violated her probation. “It just doesn’t make any sense,” said the girl’s mother.

by Jodi S. Cohen

ProPublica is a nonprofit newsroom that investigates abuses of power. Sign up to receive our biggest stories as soon as they’re published.

This story was co-published with the Detroit Free Press and Bridge Magazine.

PONTIAC, Mich. — One afternoon in mid-June, Charisse* drove up to the checkpoint at the Children’s Village juvenile detention center in suburban Detroit, desperate to be near her daughter. It had been a month since she had last seen her, when a judge found the girl had violated probation and sent her to the facility during the pandemic.

The girl, Grace, hadn’t broken the law again. The 15-year-old wasn’t in trouble for fighting with her mother or stealing, the issues that had gotten her placed on probation in the first place.

She was incarcerated in May for violating her probation by not completing her online coursework when her school in Beverly Hills switched to remote learning.

Because of the confidentiality of juvenile court cases, it’s impossible to determine how unusual Grace’s situation is. But attorneys and advocates in Michigan and elsewhere say they are unaware of any other case involving the detention of a child for failing to meet academic requirements after schools closed to help stop the spread of COVID-19.

The decision, they say, flies in the face of recommendations from the legal and education communities that have urged leniency and a prioritization of children’s health and safety amid the crisis. The case may also reflect, some experts and Grace’s mother believe, systemic racial bias. Grace is Black in a predominantly white community and in a county where a disproportionate percentage of Black youth are involved with the juvenile justice system.

Across the country, teachers, parents and students have struggled with the upheaval caused by monthslong school closures. School districts have documented tens of thousands of students who failed to log in or complete their schoolwork: 15,000 high school students in Los Angeles , one-third of the students in Minneapolis Public Schools and about a quarter of Chicago Public Schools students .

Students with special needs are especially vulnerable without the face-to-face guidance from teachers, social workers and others. Grace, who has ADHD, said she felt unmotivated and overwhelmed when online learning began April 15, about a month after schools closed. Without much live instruction or structure, she got easily distracted and had difficulty keeping herself on track, she said.

“Who can even be a good student right now?” said Ricky Watson Jr., executive director of the National Juvenile Justice Network. “Unless there is an urgent need, I don’t understand why you would be sending a kid to any facility right now and taking them away from their families with all that we are dealing with right now.”

In many places, juvenile courts have attempted to keep children out of detention except in the most serious cases, and they have worked to release those who were already there, experts say. A survey of juvenile justice agencies in 30 states found that the number of youths in secure detention fell by 24% in March, largely due to a steep decline in placements.

In Michigan, Gov. Gretchen Whitmer issued an executive order in March that temporarily suspended the confinement of juveniles who violate probation unless directed by a court order and encouraged eliminating any form of detention or residential placement unless a young person posed a “substantial and immediate safety risk to others.” Acting on Whitmer’s order, which was extended until late May, the Michigan Supreme Court told juvenile court judges to determine which juveniles could be returned home.

Judge Mary Ellen Brennan, the presiding judge of the Oakland County Family Court Division, declined through a court administrator to comment on Grace’s case. In her ruling, she found Grace “guilty on failure to submit to any schoolwork and getting up for school” and called Grace a “threat to (the) community,” citing the assault and theft charges that led to her probation.

“She hasn’t fulfilled the expectation with regard to school performance,” Brennan said as she sentenced Grace. “I told her she was on thin ice and I told her that I was going to hold her to the letter, to the order, of the probation.”

That June afternoon, a month after the sentencing, Charisse left Children’s Village without seeing Grace, but she did pick up a shopping bag of clothes and toiletries she had delivered days earlier. She said officials had rejected them because they violated facility rules: underwear that wasn’t briefs; face wipes that contained alcohol; a pair of jeans deemed too tight.

Charisse counts each day they’re apart, and that was day No. 33. Another month has since passed, and there could still be months to go before they are at home together again.

Driving home, Charisse had to pull over soon after she turned onto the road leading away from the complex. She sat in a parking lot, sobbing.

“It just doesn’t make any sense,” she said. She shook her head as tears dampened the disposable blue face mask pulled down to her chin.

“Every day I go to bed thinking, and wake up thinking, ‘How is this a better situation for her?’”

It has always been just the two of them, Charisse and Grace.

Told by doctors that she would be unable to have children, Charisse, a consultant to nonprofit organizations, was shocked when she became pregnant at 44. She has raised Grace on her own after the girl’s father did not want to be involved, she said.

They did everything together: winter sports throughout Michigan, rounds of golf, going to the opera, singing to Tony Bennett on road trips. They even appeared in a “Pure Michigan” tourism ad. As a child, Grace wanted so much to be like her mother that she asked to be called Charisse No. 2.

When Grace hit her preteen years, however, their relationship became rocky. They argued about Grace keeping her room clean and doing schoolwork and regularly battled over her use of the phone, social media and other technology.

By the time Grace turned 13, the arguments had escalated to the point that Charisse turned to the police for help several times when Grace yelled at or pushed her. She said she didn’t know about other social services to call instead. In one incident, they argued over Grace taking her mother’s iPhone charger; when police arrived, they discovered she had taken an iPad from her middle school without permission. At her mother’s request, Grace entered a court diversion program in 2018 for “incorrigibility” and agreed to participate in counseling and not use electronic devices. She was released from the program early, her mother said.

While there was periodic family conflict, Grace has always had strong friendships and is active in her school and community, her mother said. She has helped run programs at church, played saxophone in the school band and composed music, and regularly participated in service projects.

The incident that led to her current situation happened Nov. 6, when someone called the police after hearing Charisse crying “Help me!” and honking her car’s horn. Grace, upset she couldn’t go to a friend’s house, had reached inside the car to try to get her mother’s phone and had bitten her mother’s finger and pulled her hair, according to the police report.

Police released Grace to a family friend to let the two cool down and referred the case to Oakland County court, where an assault charge was filed against her.

Weeks later, she picked up another charge, for larceny, after she was caught on surveillance video stealing another student’s cellphone from a school locker room.

“After I was caught, I felt instant remorse and guilt. I wanted to take back everything I had done,” Grace wrote in a statement to police. She said she had questioned herself even as she took the phone but wanted one after her mother took hers away.

The other student’s mother, who declined to comment for this story, told police she wanted to press charges, although the phone had been returned to her son soon after Grace took it. “My sincere hope is that any punitive action taken in this case be grounded in the goal of providing this student with opportunities for growth, change and future success,” she wrote in a statement to police.

In the months following the two incidents, Grace and her mother participated in individual and family therapy and Grace stayed out of trouble.

Charisse told a court caseworker assigned to the case that other than being irritable and getting “cabin fever” from being shut at home during the pandemic, “nothing significant” had taken place between the mother and daughter. There was no police contact after the November incidents, records show.

The April 21 juvenile court hearing on the larceny and assault charges against Grace was conducted via Zoom since the courts had shut down, with everyone calling in from their homes. Grace connected from her bedroom, her mother from their living room.

It had the familiar awkwardness of many online meetings: dropped audio; a dog barking in the background; participants swivelling in their chairs; the prosecutor losing his connection. (This hearing and others in the case were recorded, and a ProPublica reporter watched them at the Oakland County courthouse last month.)

Ashley Bishop, a youth and family caseworker for the court, told the judge she thought Grace would be best served by getting mental health and anger management treatment in a residential facility. The prosecutor, Justin Chmielewski, said he agreed. Grace’s court-appointed attorney, Elliot Parnes, said little but asked that she be given probation because she had committed no new offenses and because of the risk of COVID-19 in congregate facilities.

Parnes and Bishop declined to comment for this story and Chmielewski did not respond to calls.

Throughout the hearing, Grace took her glasses off to brush away tears and wiped her nose with her sleeve. She shook her head, which the judge later criticized as a sign of disagreement but which Grace told ProPublica signaled her disappointment in her past behavior. She raised her hand a couple times and asked, in a small voice, “Can I just say something please?”

“My mom and I do get into a lot of arguments, but with each one I learn something and try to analyze why it happened,” she said. “My mom and I are working each day to better ourselves and our relationship, and I think that the removal from my home would be an intrusion on our progress.”

Brennan admonished Grace for the fights with her mother, her thefts at school and behaving in a way that required police to come to their home. “Police,” she said. “Most people go through their entire youth without having the cops have to come to their house because they can’t get themselves together.”

But, citing the pandemic, Brennan decided not to remove Grace from her home and instead sentenced her to “intensive probation.” The terms of the probation included a GPS tether, regular check-ins with a court caseworker, counseling, no phone and the use of the school laptop for educational purposes only. Grace also was required to do her schoolwork.

“I hope that she upholds her end of the bargain,” Brennan said at the end of the hearing.

Schools across the country weren’t prepared for the abrupt turn to remote learning. Grace’s school, Groves High School, in one of the most well-regarded districts in the state, was no different.

In mid-March, thinking the closures might last for only a month, the district initially offered optional online activities and then recessed for an already-scheduled weeklong spring break. Soon after, Whitmer announced that schools would end face-to-face instruction for the rest of the year. The Birmingham Public Schools superintendent asked families for patience as schools moved to an online curriculum in mid-April and promised flexibility in their support. Officials said student work would be evaluated as credit/no-credit.

The initial days of remote school coincided with the start of Grace’s probation. Charisse was concerned that her daughter, who was a high school sophomore and had nearly perfect attendance, would have trouble without in-person support from teachers. Grace gets distracted easily and abandons her work, symptoms of her ADHD and a mood disorder, records show. Her Individualized Education Plan, which spelled out the school supports she should receive, required teachers to periodically check in to make sure she was on task and clarify the material, and it allowed her extra time to complete assignments and tests. When remote learning began, she did not get those supports, her mother said.

Days after the court hearing, on April 24, Grace’s new caseworker, Rachel Giroux, made notes in her file that she was doing well: Grace had called to check in at 8:57 a.m.; she reported no issues at home and was getting ready to log in to do her schoolwork.

But by the start of the following week, Grace told Giroux she felt overwhelmed. She had forgotten to plug in her computer and her alarm didn’t go off, so she overslept. She felt anxious about the probation requirements. Charisse, feeling overwhelmed as well, confided in the caseworker that Grace had been staying up late to make food and going on the internet, then sleeping in. She said she was setting up a schedule for Grace and putting a desk in the living room where she could watch her work.

“Worker told mother that child is not going to be perfect and that teenagers aren’t always easy to work with but you have to give them the opportunity to change,” according to the case progress notes. “Child needs time to adjust to this new normal of being on probation and doing work from home.”

Five days later, after calling Charisse and learning that Grace had fallen back to sleep after her morning caseworker check-in, Giroux filed a violation of probation against her for not doing her schoolwork.

Giroux told the prosecutor she planned to ask the judge to detain Grace because she “clearly doesn’t want to abide by the rules in the community,” according to the case notes.

Grace has said in court and in answers to questions from ProPublica that she was trying to do what was asked of her. She had checked in with her caseworker every day and complied with the other requirements of intensive probation, including staying at home and obeying all laws. She had told her special education teacher that she needed one-on-one help and began receiving daily tutoring the day after the probation violation was filed.

Giroux filed the violation of probation before confirming whether Grace was meeting her academic requirements. She emailed Grace’s teacher three days later, asking, “Is there a certain percentage of a class she is supposed to be completing a day/week?”

Grace’s teacher, Katherine Tarpeh, responded in an email to Giroux that the teenager was “not out of alignment with most of my other students.”

“Let me be clear that this is no one’s fault because we did not see this unprecedented global pandemic coming,” she wrote. Grace, she wrote, “has a strong desire to do well.” She “is trying to get to the other side of a steep learning curve mountain and we have a plan for her to get there.”

Giroux declined to comment. Tarpeh told a reporter she was not allowed to discuss Grace’s case.

The May 14 hearing to decide whether Grace had violated her probation, and what would happen if she had, took place at the Oakland County courthouse when the Family Division was hearing only “essential emergency matters.”

Grace’s case was the only one heard in person in the courthouse that day.

Grace’s attorney, concerned about his health, participated by Zoom, though he told the judge it was difficult to represent her without being there. He told the judge he decided not to request a postponement because the family was worried she would detain Grace if they waited for a later court date.

The prosecution called Giroux, the caseworker, as its only witness. In response to questions from Grace’s attorney, she acknowledged she did not know what type of educational disabilities Grace had and did not answer a question about what accommodations those disabilities might require. Her assessment that Grace hadn’t done her schoolwork was based on a comment her mother made to her teacher, which Charisse testified she said in a moment of frustration and was untrue.

Grace’s special education teacher, Tarpeh, could have provided more information and planned to testify but had to leave the hearing to teach a class, according to the prosecutor.

Grace and her mother testified that she was handling her schoolwork more responsibly — and that she had permission to turn in her assignments at her own pace, as long as she finished by the end of the semester. And, Charisse said, Grace was behaving and not causing her any physical harm.

The transition to virtual school had been difficult, Grace testified, but she said she was making progress. “I just needed time to adjust to the schedule that my mom had prepared for me,” she said.

Brennan was unconvinced. Grace’s probation, she told her, was “zero tolerance, for lack of a better term.”

She sent her to detention. Grace was taken out of the courtroom in handcuffs.

From March 16, when Michigan courts began limiting operations to mitigate the spread of COVID-19, to June 29, at least 24 delinquency cases involving youth in Oakland County court resulted in placements to juvenile facilities. Of those, more than half involved young people who are Black, like Grace.

Those numbers, obtained by ProPublica from the Oakland County Circuit Court, reflect long-standing racial disparities in the state and county’s juvenile justice system. From January 2016 through June 2020, about 4,800 juvenile cases were referred to the Oakland court. Of those, 42% involved Black youth even though only about 15% of the county’s youth are Black.

A report released last month , which found inadequate legal representation for juveniles in Michigan, noted that research has shown a disproportionate number of youth of color are incarcerated in Michigan overall. Black youth in the state are incarcerated more than four times as often as their white peers, according to an analysis of federal government data by The Sentencing Project, a nonprofit that addresses racial disparities in the criminal justice system.

“It is clear that kids of color are disproportionately involved and impacted by the system across the board,” said Jason Smith of the nonprofit Michigan Center for Youth Justice, which works to reduce the confinement of youth. “They are more likely to be arrested, less likely to be offered any kind of diversion, more likely to be removed out of the home and placed in some sort of confinement situation.”

In Grace’s case, too, she was sent to a facility at a time when the governor had encouraged courts to send children home.

At the county-run Children’s Village, which has space for 216 youth in secure and residential settings, the population was down to 80 last week, according to the facility manager. There have been no COVID-19 cases in the youth population and four workers have tested positive from contacts outside Children’s Village, she said.

During March and April, 97 juveniles were released from Children’s Village by court order, said Pamela Monville, the Oakland County deputy court administrator. “We understood the orders and the concerns to stop the spread,” she said. Judges, caseworkers and attorneys worked together to determine “who could go back to the community,” she added.

Juvenile justice experts and disability advocates decried the decision to remove Grace from her home, particularly when “the state gave clear directives that children, and all people, unless it was a dire emergency, were to be kept out of detention,” said Kristen Staley, co-director of the Midwest Juvenile Defender Center, which works to improve juvenile defense across eight states.

Terri Gilbert, a former supervisor for juvenile justice programming in Michigan and a high-profile advocate, said the system suffers from inconsistencies in treatment and sentencing, aggravated by a lack of public information.

“This is too harsh of a sentence for a kid who didn’t do their homework. … There is so much research that points to the fact that this is not the right response for this crime,” said Gilbert, a member of a governor-appointed committee that focuses on juvenile justice. “Teenage girls act out. They get mouthy. They get into fights with her mothers. They don’t want to get up until noon. This is normal stuff.”

Monville said Brennan, a judge since 2008, “made the decision she made based on what she heard and her experience on the bench.”

But officials at the Michigan Protection & Advocacy Service, the state disabilities watchdog organization, said they were especially troubled that a student with special needs — one of the most vulnerable populations — was punished when students and teachers everywhere couldn’t adjust to online learning.

“It is inconceivable that, given the utterly unprecedented situation, a court would enforce expectations about what student participation in school means that was not tied to the reality of education during a pandemic,” said Kris Keranen, who oversees education for the group.

Charisse says the “greatest pain and devastation” of her life was watching Grace handcuffed in the courtroom. She got a letter in the mail a few days later:

“I want to change. I want to be a better person. Here I’ve realized how much you care and love me. I’m sorry I took that for granted. Please continue to send me pictures of me and you or just with anyone. I love you mommy and I miss you.”

On Juneteenth, the day that commemorates the end of slavery, Charisse sat alone at her kitchen table, the wall behind her covered with Grace’s childhood artwork. As the country faced a reckoning over systemic racism, the day had taken on increased recognition and Charisse lamented she and Grace couldn’t mark it together as they usually did, attending programs at church or at the Museum of African American History in Detroit.

Charisse made strawberry lemonade with fresh watermelon, a variation on the traditional red Juneteenth drink, and talked to Grace the only way she could, through a video call monitored by a Children’s Village case coordinator. The longest they had ever been separated before was when Grace attended a leadership sleepaway camp for six weeks over the summer.

“Juneteenth is all about freedom and you can’t even celebrate. What do you have? It has been taken away,” she said to her daughter.

Other than three recent visits, they have seen each other only on screen, including during a court status hearing in early June. On that day, Charisse watched as Grace walked into a room at Children’s Village handcuffed and with her ankles shackled, her mother said.

“For us and our culture, that for me was the knife stuck in my stomach and turning,” Charisse said. “That is our history, being shackled. And she didn’t deserve that.”

At the hearing, both Grace and her mother pleaded with the judge to return her home. “I will be respectful and obedient to my mom and all other people with authority,” Grace said. “I beg for your mercy to return me home to my mom and my responsibilities.”

The judge, however, sided with the caseworker and prosecutor. They agreed that Grace should stay at the Children’s Village not as punishment, but to get treatment and services. She ordered her to remain there and set a hearing to review the case for Sept. 8. By then, it will be a week into the new school year.

On Juneteenth, Charisse and Grace spoke for their full allotted 45 minutes. Grace wore a light blue polo shirt her mother had dropped off a few days earlier. Her hair was pushed back with a Lululemon headband.

Their conversation began with the mundane: Charisse reminded Grace to use her deodorant, and Grace said she needed to get her glasses fixed. But it landed, inevitably, at the frustration they both feel.

“I want you to write in your journal,” Charisse told Grace. She urged her “not to get too comfortable” in detention. “I want you to do what you are supposed to do, but I don’t want you to feel like this is your new norm.”

Grace’s initial weeks in detention were “repetitive and depressing,” she recently told ProPublica in response to written questions.

Grace was required to stay in her locked room from 8:30 p.m. to 8:30 a.m. She couldn’t turn the lights on and off herself and she slept on a mattress on a concrete slab, she said. She passed the time by reading, drawing and watching some TV.

The local school district provided packets of material but no classes. She said that she has not yet worked with a teacher in person or online, and that she meets less regularly with a therapist at Children’s Village than she did at home.

She has since been transferred to a long-term treatment program at Children’s Village, where she has a bit more freedom. Still, she tells her mother, it’s difficult to think about what she’s missing. “Everyone is moving past me now and I’m just here,” she said during the Zoom call.

A Children’s Village case coordinator, listening, tried to be encouraging. “You are doing very well right now,” she said. “Whatever happens, it looks good. You are respectful, you are following the rules.”

Then she told them their time was up.

“Stay strong,” Grace told her mom.

“You stay strong, too,” her mother replied. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

ProPublica is using middle names for the teenager and her mother to protect their identities.

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What to Do When Teens Refuse to Do Homework or Fail a Class

Some teens are naturally motivated and others are not. Some teens are able to succeed at school with ease, and others struggle. But, what is a parent to do when their teen simply refuses to do homework or is suddenly failing a class? Experts recommend parents work to discover the root cause and creatively problem solve with their teen.

Most of the time, parents feel a little shocked when they are confronted with a school problem. Maybe your teen has outright refused to do any work, or maybe you received a notice from the teacher, or maybe you got a disappointing surprise on their interim report. Whatever has brought the problem to your attention, it’s important to take a deep breath and work to understand the issue. The first step is to ask your teen what is going on. Notice the word ask. That means you don’t start the conversation with accusations, yelling, blame, or threats. Instead, enter into the conversation with a sense of curiosity to see if you can help uncover the possible reasons why he or she isn’t getting their homework done or passing the class.

Determine the Root Cause

If your teen refuses to do homework or is failing a class, don’t jump to the conclusion that he is simply acting out of defiance. More than likely, there is some underlying problem(s) contributing to the issue. For example, stress, bullying issues at school, classes that are too advanced, test-taking anxiety, too many absences, learning disabilities, and depression are all possible problems that can contribute to behavior changes. Remember that when high school students fall behind in their classes for any reason (absence, material too difficult, bad test-taking day), catching up can be quite difficult. When grades begin to plummet, many teens give up. Talk to them about their struggles. Ask them: “How is your current situation different from how you would like it to be?”

Separately, parents should talk to the teen’s teacher to obtain their thoughts and perspectives. Again, parents should enter such a conversation with an open mind and a willingness to listen to the teacher’s opinion.

Develop Solutions with Your Teen

Once parents feel like they understand the problem, they should sit down with their teenager and brainstorm a list of possible solutions to the given situation. They can ask their son or daughter what they have already tried before (whether it’s in this situation or in similar situations in the past), and what outcomes they experienced. Ask them to predict likely consequences, both positive and negative, for each possibility. Teens should be encouraged to not limit themselves, but to come up with as many options as possible, even if they seem unrealistic, because this creative process may help generate even better solutions. Once you have made a list of options together, help your teen narrow them down. For each option, consider how realistic it is, how likely the teen would be to implement it, and the potential obstacles.

Sometimes, homework or grade battles simply need a creative solution. For example, some teens are willing to stay after school to complete their homework, so long as they don’t have to do work at home. Other teens need some control over when they are going to do their work, so they may need to unwind for an hour after school and then do their work. Teens who are failing due to a learning disability or missed schoolwork, might be willing to work with a tutor. Parents should offer their own ideas, but MUST be willing to try their teen’s suggestions and ideas. The process of identifying the problem and developing the solution will empower your child, give them a sense of ownership in fixing the problem, and will ultimately give them confidence when they overcome the issue.

Additionally, parents should help their teen establish healthy study habits that will allow him/her to be successful. Some good study habits include: creating a designated homework time and space, removing distractions including electronics, being available to help your teen when they have a problem or get frustrated, teaching them time management skills, and helping them to get organized. You can learn more from our previous blog, Good Study Habits in Teens .

Establish Expectations and Rules

In general, parents should establish rules and expectations about homework based on their individual child. For example, if you have a teen who is fairly responsible with his homework most of the time, it may be appropriate to allow him/her to face the natural consequences of a bad grade or detention when he/she doesn’t do their work.

However, if you have a child who is refusing to do homework or is failing, and you’ve done the previous steps to try to find the problem and have discovered there is no underlying problem, then rules are warranted. Establish appropriate expectations, and more importantly, develop rewards for following them and consequences for not. Then you must follow through on your plan. For example, create small measurable goals. If your teen puts in a lot of effort for 30 minutes, then he gets a 10-minute break. Or consequently, confiscate his electronics each day until he completes his homework. Phones, tablets and other electronics are a privilege, and he cannot earn them if he chooses to not do his work.

Final Thoughts…

Experts say that the best thing parents can do when faced with school problem is stay calm and open-minded. Nagging and lecturing – although tempting parenting techniques – are never effective and usually harm your relationship. Bribing your teen to get work done can sometimes work in the short run, but quickly loses its appeal to your child and can actually instill a “what’s in it for me” attitude. Additionally, threatening a consequence that you will never follow-through on will only reinforce the negative behavior. Instead, follow the tips above to discover the problem and creatively solve it with your teen. Not only will it truly address the problem, it will also teach your teen how to address future challenges.

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38 comments.

I’m 15 and one problem I have with school is just the way it prevents me from living life. I have so many plans but all of them have to wait so long to accomplish. It just feels like school is holding me back and having to go through it is pointless until I get to the degrees I actually want. I want to get a degree in business and marketing and become an entrepreneur but to do so I’ll have to go through lots of school that, while it may be useful in some way, doesn’t feel useful at all right now. I could just drop out of course since you don’t need a degree to become an entrepreneur, but I want the business knowledge to help me succeed. Not to mention the fact that becoming a dropout can have bad effects on your social life and the way people think of you. I could start it while in school, but finding the time to do that with all the schooling, homework, and extracurricular activities I have would be a nightmare. It causes lots of internal conflict and drains all motivation to do school.

Im in the same boat for the 2nd year in a row. We did counseling, intervention school program for 6months straight, tutoring and he still fail math and science. Everyone says he’s lazy and has no deficiencies. This year he’s still failing science english and math. Only had an A in PE. He goes to school everyday and nothing is working. At what point do I say oh well you don’t care so I won’t either. There’s only 5 1/2 years left until he’s 18 and I feel time is running out.

I have a grandson in same situation. The best I can see is a junior carpenter course or business course.

My 17 year old son is unmotivated, is not doing his homework and as a consequence he is failing his classes, most of the time he don’t want to go to the school. he is taking 5 AP classes as his own decision but is not doing the work that those classes required and refused to drop them. I don’t know what to do, he wants to get a job and i am supporting him in apply, but i want him to finish school but he is not doing anything. I spoke with the school counselor and we are considering drop some of his classes but i don’t want my son feels more depressed if we do it. I trying to be patient and talk to him but he is not motivated about school at all. Please help

I can say “ditto” to almost everything you’ve mentioned. We have a 17 year old son. He’s also taking AP courses but has refused to do any hw since about October and is failing several classes badly. The last 1.5 years have been out of character in that he normally worked hard and wouldn’t quit on things – over time we’ve seen him slowly quit on one thing after another (and not just in academics). Now it’s piling up.

When his parents ask, a counselor asks, the pastor asks, or his teachers ask “why aren’t you doing hw?” the answer is always “i don’t know…” and then some circular reasoning about things that aren’t really relevant. He does very well on almost all the exams but it’s not enough in highschool if you don’t do any HW (or sometimes fail to turn in quizzes).

It’s quite sad, he has no happiness in anything or desire for anything except to watch youtubers talking about random inconsequential things. If we take away the computer he sits in a dark room with lights off telling us he can waste time in other ways besides watching youtube if needed. When we ask serious questions respectfully he tears up but then quickly puts on a blank face.

We’ve met with professional counselors but so far haven’t identified the root issue. He’s not clinically depressed. Like you we don’t want to demoralize him further by pulling him out of the things he’s doing in school but soon we may have a highly gifted kid who fails a year of highschool and next year will probably not be any better at this rate.

My brother is the same way! very bright kid, but refuses to do any homework. Would rather play games and watch videos. He is also becoming quite rude to his teachers, we haven’t figure out the root issue. At this point, we are just letting him fail, maybe he needs to learn the hard way..

Our son is just like yours; has always been considered exceptional, showing great potential, but now completely uncaring about anything and unmotivated to do any schoolwork. Since online learning became mandatory he will log into his classes then do other things. As a result he’s failing 3 classes and barely passing 2 others. This started the second part of his junior year and has continued this year. It’s gone from thinking about what college to try for to blowing off the SAT test, failing classes and now possibly not graduating High School. (This from a kid who took the PSAT’s in 10th grade and scored 1360 without studying). We understand that there may be some underlying issue and reason for his lack of motivation so we approach it in a caring way (most days). He’s not defiant, just completely unmotivated. I think back to the day years ago when the schools all announced they would be switching entirely to computer learning. That essentially means without internet kids cannot due schoolwork. How do you discipline or have structure with school work when kids have all these temptations and distractions right in front of them to click on? If book learning was still in place simply turning off the internet and allowing it for certain times as a reward would be ideal. Instead we have a nation of distracted, unfocused, addicted to electronics young people. We took a step back from expectations and now are focused more on his emotional and physical well being. Just getting him to graduate is the aim, then maybe encouraging him to get a job after graduating. If there was a life course for kids who need a sense of direction in a supportive, encouraging way I would like to know about it.

I get it. I am in the same position as your son right now. I am in my sophomore year of high school and I can’t really explain it but when second semester started, I was so unmotivated to do anything. Of course, I’ve never been inspired or motivated for school, but I’ve never been a bad student either. Well, at least not until I started completely ignoring my work and letting it pile up so bad that I have begun to lose all hope. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ve completely lost all motivation and initiative to do my work. Since this quarantine, everything has gotten worse. I have all F’s except for in art class. In art, I believe I still have a B or at least a C. However, I don’t check anymore because I am scared to look at my grades as it reminds me of my constant failure. Of course, I take full responsibility for my wrongful actions. I know what I’m doing right now is not going to get me anywhere but held back in my academics, but for some reason I keep diving head first into this endless black hole of failure and despondency. It started out as procrastination. I’ve never had any enthusiasm about school work and have always been a procrastinator, even in middle school, but since going into high school…it’s gotten MUCH worse. I find myself day-dreaming and fantasizing about this “perfect” productive life and thinking a lot about the future while not taking recognition of the fact that I am so far behind, I may not have a future. Basically, I have a very active imagination and can sometimes channel this habit of mine to idealize my life and future- it’s almost like I’m living in this made up world of assurance and protection for myself where everything is going to work out the way I want it to unlike in reality. I have always been a very sensitive and easily downed child, so when I entered into high school pessimistic thoughts would flood my mind over and over again (more than usual). I don’t claim to have a problem (mentally) nor have I ever been diagnosed with anything (although I’ve never been checked for anything since I don’t normally express my stress and depression to people- not even family, not that they’d take much notice anyway). I also have no solution to this reoccurring problem of mine yet. However, the one thing I’d recommend you do is let your son get a job. As ridiculous as it sounds to let him get a job when he can’t even focus on school (which I do agree that education is more important than a job, in some cases), I think a job might make him less obstinate or noncompliant, as well as teach him some responsibility. It can also help if he is going through something right now like early senioritis/senioritis and/or slight or mild depression and stress. I don’t know exactly how to explain this, but when I think about getting a job I think about being able to provide for myself and getting myself better things and the proper stuff I need to stay motivated and consistent. If you’re son is anything like me, he will feel like this too. He may, however, already have everything he needs (or that you think he needs), but being able to work hard for and earn our own money makes us feel more like we’ve got everything together. Besides, there are some things that kids don’t want to bother their parents for, so we like to take it upon ourselves and try to figure it out for ourselves. This is all a part of growing up. A job may help with this. With a job, he would learn responsibility. Also, since he would be getting an immediate reaction out of a job (i.e. money and with that money comes self-gifting/purchasing something for himself with his hard earned money, which can prove to be quite awarding for a teenager or really anyone), he might appreciate the achievements he makes more rather than if he were getting a reward/reaction in school (i.e. a “good job” or a temporarily good feeling, which may not always be enough if we’re being honest here). I would also recommend getting him a trustworthy guide/ or guidance counselor that can be with him every step of the way to make sure he completes all of his work until he is ready to do that for himself. I know he is in high school and shouldn’t need someone like that but sometimes we need a bit of a push, so having someone to sit there and help him with homework/ monitor or guide him as he finished everything will help. He may be interested in other things as well- things that his school does not provide. So, I would personally recommend getting him more interested in better hobbies (not too much as sports since that can just add to the stress) but finding things that he is passionate in and allowing himself to do those things. However, this can be tricky because if his passion is something like YouTube, gaming, etc., he may confuse this with meaning he should submerse himself in these tricky habits and that will distract him from school/work even more. So, I’d say if he were interested in something like YouTube get him to do things relative to that activity, but also relative to school (e.g. watching videos on self-improvement/educational videos and including YouTube videos daily into his routine to help with his homework or just giving him a temporary break every now and then as a reward). I know this may seem kind of like babying him, but I’m saying to maybe just follow these simple steps as to monitor and guide him and before you know it, he’s developing these better habits on his own w/o help from anyone! Please take my advice because, being in the same situation right now as your son, I would love for my parents to show this much concern and initiative for me! Also, last but not least, let him know that in order to get where he want to be in life (goals or paths they want to follow in order to be truly happy) they have to get it over with and finish high school first. That way when the time comes and they graduate, they can take whatever necessary steps they need in order to get to where they need/want to be and hopefully by then they will have a better mindset for their future! He could also be going through something or experiencing a lot of stress, so please continue to be there for him and talk to him! As well as just let him know that you’re there whenever he needs you and be more approachable by (with all due respect) nagging less and exhibiting/practicing more communication and reasoning/understanding with your child!

p.s. invest in an agenda/journal that they can keep up with! they can write lingering deep and personal thoughts and/or use it as a planner to stay ahead of the game and follow along with school/work better.

Olivia – THANK YOU!!!! You have no idea how much your post helped me! My son is 13 and just started with the missing assignments this year. At first, I reacted with anger, but then I could see in his eyes that he was hurting, so I changed my tone and started help him instead. According to your post, I am heading in the right direction with him. Today, we sat down together and went through his work to see what he has coming up and he wrote it all in his new planner. He was way more responsive to that than the yelling.

Again, Thank you so much for taking the time to help parents…that is quite noble. Oh, and BTW, your writing is awesome – good grammar and well written. I have never seen such writing from a teenager before. Way to go!

Hi Olivia thanks for helping us. But my child, she would come home and goes into her room and be on her phone and then lie and says she is doing her homework and that its completed and submited. Then I will get an email from her teachers. Everyday. She is a sophomore and I have try to be good and nice to her but I can’t do it no more.

Olivia I love your post and just like Lisa said your a great writer and I think you would be great as a writer someday. Keep up the good work with your writing because I see you going places just go with it. Find something you love to do that will help motivate you to succeed in all your classes. Take care my dear!

I have an 11yr old son in his 1st yr of middle school. He’s failing 3 classes and C’s and D’s in the other classes. He’s been in therapy he is in intervention at school and has a whole team working to get him back on track and he’s getting worst. He lies about everything. He doesn’t do his classwork, his h.w., fails test, loses all his school supplies and refuses to go to after school tutoring. Everything has been taken away from him and he doesn’t care. He just started acting up in class and he blamed it on the other kids and the teacher. I don’t know what to do. Professionals tell me there’s no learning disability or ADD or ADHD. I’m doing everything what is left to do!?!?

You are doing a great job! You have gotten him professional help in therapy and are working with the school. Those are the most important things, and I commend you in taking those important steps. This type of situation is not fixed quickly. The therapy will take time, but don’t stop. In addition, every child is different, so there is no one right or wrong way to help them. I encourage you to read a couple of other articles that might offer you some ideas:

For dealing with an unmotivated teen: https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2013/07/15/when-your-teen-lacks-direction/ For dealing with a teen who lies: https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2010/07/22/teens-and-lying/

There is a root cause to your son’s behavior, and it will take time to discover it. For example, some teens feel they are protecting themselves from failure by not caring or committing to anything. Other teens are so overwhelmed by stress, they withdraw. Others become so focused on their peers, their only motivation is to enhance their “image.” Your son’s therapist will be vital in discovering the root cause. And if that therapist doesn’t seem to be able to determine the root cause, then don’t hesitate to try another one. Your son and the therapist have to “click” for any progress to be made.

Parenting is such a difficult job, but I encourage you to take one day at a time and look for the positive qualities in your son that you can genuinely praise – that will make both of you feel better. Best of luck!

Jaz, Please tell me you have found something that has helped. I could have written this word-for-word myself right down to the age, grade and excuses. I am feeling soo helpless and frustrated at this point.

I have a 14 and a 13 year old they refused to do work for the longest time I’m a step-mom its been difficult we took away everything (even non electronics) all they had was school work and chores. So now they are home schooled and they have finally started doing chores and a little more homework (yes they do fight but a lot less. Our 8 year old does everything she needs to do. The oldest still refuses to do math and the 13 year old has been rude because he doesn’t want to do anything still but he does it. Just put your foot down.

I have a 17 year old son is getting almost all F in high school. I don’t see him do homework and he doesn’t seem to care. he mention something about joining the marines but nowdoesn’t seem interested. He spent a lot time with friend that are good influence . I cannot force him to do anything . At first I took everything away and still nothing change. He does chores once in awhile. I am alone working two jobs. with six children to raise.

I have a 15 year old daughter, she has been failing school since 6th grade. By the end of the year the teachers enter a grade just high enough to pass her. I have tried everything that I can think of. Read every thing I can get my hands on and tried it all. Nothing works. She has lost all electronics, been grounded and she is in therapy. I am so stressed out over her that I tend to get a bit mean sometimes ( not a good thing and it makes me feel bad ) I am tired at this point and giving up. SHE JUST DOES NOT CARE!!

This is definitely a difficult issue for many parents! You are not alone! When situations get really tough, and the parents have tried all the traditional approaches, it’s often time to get outside help. A family therapist or a local Family Crisis Intervention Unit can work with both the parents and the teen to find a resolution. There is no easy solution, but with patience and professional guidance, it is possible to get to a better place!

I am not alone 🙁

My son is 15 years old. We have enrolled him in the on-campus ROTC program as well as contacted the counselors and all teachers. He is even going to tutoring three times a week after school. He still seems to have no interest in studying or doing his homework. I have addressed all the issues that I think you may have. I have questioned him grounded him and have taken away All Electronics indefinitely. What do you do if this problem has been an ongoing problem since the beginning of school? He has even threatened to quit school. My problem is that I’m the only one that seems to care about his grades. His blatant disregard for his grades is causing me stress and not him. I feel for all parents going through this situation because we can care all day long but until he cares nothing will change

I’m so sorry that you are going through this! Nothing is more difficult than wanting the best for your child, but watching them throw it away. I know you feel helpless, stressed and frustrated. You are not alone – many parents go through this difficulty! Unfortunately, there is no easy solution or perfect answer – every situation and every person is different. However, we highly recommend that you read our previous blog, https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2012/02/25/motivating-a-teen-to-change-destructive-behaviors/ because it addresses many of these issues you are talking about. We also always encourage families in these situations to seek out family counseling. Sometimes an outside observer can offer ideas that we never think of ourselves! We wish you the very best of luck!

I am going through the same exact thing. My son is almost 13. The feeling of hopelessness is setting in so fast for me. Like your situation, he doesn’t seem to care whatsoever about failing. I almost wish there was a root cause i can identify with other than “I hate school work”, like a bullying problem, or depression, etc.

We have done all of the above. no results. Its so heart-breaking. The last and only thing he LOVES to do and looks forward to is hockey and we finally took that away last night.

He isn’t a disrespectful kid, he doesn’t act out, he loves to hang out with the family and enjoys having conversations on politics, history and current events. Just hates school work.

Since you posted this, have you tried something different that has given you results? Any suggestion would be so welcomed.

my daugther is the same. Instead of hockey is ballet. I am at my wits end. She is a bright xhild who had all As in the first quarter, then started lowering her grades anf I realized it was because she was not doing her homework. She got 3 Ds in the 3rd quarter on the 3 subjects that she does not like: math and office productivity and the one that she needs to put a little effort. As in the rest because ahe like it. I have taken electronics and let her therapist know. We do have screaming matches and eventually she calms down and understands that she os not doing her work but in 1 or 2 weeks she is at it again. She is a good child, kind and very smart. I have asked during lenghty sensivle conversations why she is not doing her homework and her response is always ‘I don’t know’. She also lies about having finished her homework to get to do something fun and I don’t find out until later. I really don’t kbow what else to do but I don’t want next year to be like this one so I have already told her there will be no extracurricular classes next year if her 4th quarter is like her 3rd but we are 3 weeks into it and she is still not doing her homework.

Your son sounds like my son. He is not disrespectful and a joy to be around. All he cares about his soccer. He is a freshman in high school with low grades (failing algebra..I got him a tutor). He doesn’t care about failing. His attitude is “I’ll take it next year.” What did you do with your son? Please help me help my son.

My step son 13 and a freshman in high school. He just will not do him homework at all… He doesnt miss school but he is failing all classes. Terrible test scores and is down right disrespectful to his teachers peers and to his little brothers too. Tried everything… He doesnt seem to want to anything to help. Any advise?

Our son was adopted, lost his adoptive parents and we are the fourth set of parents he has known. he is partially sighted, has ADHD, and severe Reactive Attachment Disorder. Follow the above… It does work… We moved all his electronic devices into different rooms: some rooms give him privacy, some rooms makE sure he has time with us so we keep up with who we are dealing with and we are building a good study pattern for his main exams and we are all getting to know each other much better. The important thing was to take the additive habit of electronic gadgets away. He now does more activities with us and opening up more. We worked together on a ladder chart that you climb as he accomplishes main milestones. If he is unsuccessful we have built in backup options or ways to get there. It has all the things he needs to do to get what he wants and the consequences if he misses a step or two he has backup steps. we got the school involved too and the college we hope he goes to for his choice in his career.

OMG I am living all of these nightmare with my 15 and 12 year old. Just got an email today that my 12 year old had 30 minutes to do an assignment and turned it in blank. WTH

I have the same problem with one of my son’s he just doesn’t care. The last 2 years of middle school he flunked a couple of classes during one semester then turned around a little bit and passed the next semester by a narrow margin. Went to summer school for the flunked classes and since the summer school is all online he completed both classes in a week and a half. This year he is a freshman in high school and he is failing all his classes, except 2 English and ROTC. His dad and I are at our wits end.

I think we should pray for them and encourage ,lets talk to them what they would like to become ,give them time to think and show love to them.

I have the same exact situation as Cat and Pete. My daughter is 14 years old. She has ALWAYS has a problem with homework. And its not just getting it done, its turning it in too. She just doesn’t seem to care. I know its not because she is having issues with the work itself because some of her missing work is for a Health class. This is easy stuff! She loves to read and is very good at it. She scores at a college level. She has to complete a reading log for her English class and she failed it last month because she didn’t complete any of it. And this is something that she IS actually completing. In my eyes, its pure laziness. I have taken away everything you can imagine. Phone, video games, TV privileges and nothing seems to “get to her”. The other day she sat at the kitchen table and literally refused to do any homework. She just sat there and scribbled on a notepad. I don’t know what to do. Im at a loss. Im exhausted from getting emails from all her teachers saying how bad she is doing. I tired of talking with her about it and getting yelled at for it. Any suggestions would be MUCH appreciated.

Maybe homeschooling her. Or an online school.

I feel the same. Sometimes I just feel like I’m the bad parent. My son is the same. I have so many talks to him and explain to the best of my ability how important it is and I am here to help him. But all he does is continue with what his doing or roll his eyes. Feeling frustrated.

Look like you are just describing my 11 year old daughter, and she is not just refusing to do her homework, but she also refuses to clean her room or help with anything in the house!! she is also very good reader and i´m always pointing on that as a very positive thing!, the teachers wont stop email me at least once at week by 5 teachers its to much to handle for me!! I´m about to be on strikes as a mom.. it´s being more than a year when you write here, did you find the solution?? did your daughter got any better?

Hey Fabs! No unfortunately I have still not found a solution. She is now 15 and a Freshman in high school. She has been failing both Math and Science since the beginning of the school year. She NEVER brings homework home to work on. She never even brings a backpack to school! I am seriously at a loss with her. I just keep telling her now that she is in High School and her grades are more important than ever. If she fails a class, she has to make it up either in the summer or next school year but that doesn’t really seem to faze her. She simply just doesn’t care. She just keeps telling me that its her life and I shouldn’t care. She never does anything around the house and when we do ask her to do something simple, she gets so angry right away. I hate to say it, but she’s just selfish. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself and is only nice to us when she wants something. People just keep telling me this is typical teenage behavior but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating to deal with.

The comment made by Cat could have been written by me. Our son is exactly this and the same age. The article is good. However, we are not looking at a ‘change’ in behaviour, my son has NEVER done any homework. He just flatly refuses. He gets more and more referrals and then detentions. He just doesn’t seem to care! People say, ‘start with communication’ but he just won’t talk about it. All he says is, ‘I don’t care.’ We have tried homework club where he attends for one hour each week. This worked for a while but then he forgets and then is behind and gets another detention. He ended last year with 180 negative referral points. We were shocked when his 3yrs elder sister received just one. Little did we know what was coming! We have met with his teachers on my occasions. They have been very supportive, but still no result. They don’t have a school councillor as such. We have absolutely no idea how to connect with this child. Any help, from anyone, would be very, very most welcome.

We have a 14 year old 8th grader and nothing seems to work. He starts off each year with a “this year will be different” and then it goes downhill from there with him barely passing. We have tried reward. Didn’t work. This year we have slowly removed electronics until now he’s facing a summer with no electronics of any sort. It doesn’t seem to be working. His teachers complain that he’s not turning in work and spending most of his days staring at the walls. He just says he hates the teachers and the school work but loves seeing his friends at school. At this point in the year he has a B, a C, a D and 3 F’s. Once again, if his grades don’t change he will pass with about a quarter of a grade clearance. My husband contends that just getting harder on him will work. I’m not so sure. I think he’s at the age where he knows what to do, he’s just refusing to do it. He is a good kid otherwise. He’s been offered rewards for doing work but that isn’t working. He enters High School next year and we are not sure what to do. If we spend a lot of money to hire a tutor, which we don’t have the money to do, then there is no way to be sure he’ll even do the work with a tutor and it could be money down the drain. Do we just let him fail while keeping any privileges here at a minimum? At some point he will figure out that the person he is harming is himself, right? I read your article. We have no school counselor to consult. His teachers give homework but short of walking into each classroom with him each day I have no way of making sure he brings it home. I also can’t sit with him in class to make sure he pays any attention or does his work. It’s like he doesn’t believe us when we, or anyone else, tell him that this is harming his future life. Please help if you can.

Hi Cat, This could have been written by me! Has the situation improved one year on? I am at wits end. Like you I’ve tried everything. Please help.

I think this is often a good time to seek advice of a school guidance counselor. fortunately, if you don’t have that option, there are a number of excellent reading resources from well qualified professionals. By far the best I have found is Parents in Highschooland by Karyn Rashoff. http://highschooland.com/ The advice and ideas offered in this book really opened my eyes to a lot of ways that I could get involved to encourage and support my kids though high school. A must-read for parents of high school teens in my eyes.

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Adolescence

What to do if your child or teen lies about schoolwork, helping your child be truthful when he does not want to be.

Posted October 11, 2014

"That teacher is a jerk!" thirteen-year-old Alex yelled at his mother. He continued, "Mom, you always blame me for everything. Lots of people in my class did not turn those assignments in. And, anyway, that teacher hates me and is out to get me!" Sadly for Alex, after I spoke with the school counselor and some of his teachers, it became clear that Alex, like many other students with schoolwork avoidance problems, was quite distorted in his way of looking at things.

Sara, age ten, sitting across from me in my office blankly stared away when her mother pleadingly stated, "I thought you told me you were keeping up with your schoolwork okay. Then today I get that upsetting note from your teacher. I thought things were going to be better this year, Sara, but it is already starting not to look that way."

Jason, age fifteen, yelled at his father, "You always expect me to be perfect." His father replied, "No, that's not true, but I do expect you to be honest with me. I just wish mom and I could trust you to tell us when you are having problems at school." Jason answered, "Why should I trust you when all you and mom do is yell at me!"

As I discuss in my book, 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child , children and teens who lie about their school work only slip deeper into emotional quicksand! Like many children or adolescents with AD/HD, the examples above illustrate those who may otherwise desire to be responsible yet fall into a pattern of avoiding schoolwork and not being truthful about it. Being overly stressed out and desperate, such kids often feel that lying is the easiest way to deal with the demands of parents and teachers. These children and teens are usually not trying to be bad or malicious, but the repetitive pattern of lying becomes a bad habit. For many children and adolescents, lying to avoid schoolwork demands is self-serving in the short term (e.g., avoid doing something or deny responsibility for their actions) but creates long-term pain and chaos.

What to do if a child or adolescent lies about schoolwork:

• Probe for and validate the child/ teen 's underlying fears without condoning the lying behavior.

• Acknowledge and praise when your child/teen is up front and open with you by expressing appreciation for it.

• Remember to be vigilant for CANNOT versus CHOOSE NOT. There may be an underlying learning disability or AD/HD problem lurking below the surface.

• Be mindful of the stresses that your child/teen is facing in or outside of school. Remember that students often act out social, substance abuse , emotional, and home adjustment issues by shutting down on their academics.

• Realize that as gamey and manipulative as your child or teen appears, deep down he or she is not feeling good about things.

• Watch how you speak. Avoid being critical and shaming .

• When necessary, seek support from school resources, including guidance staff, and teachers.

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a psychologist with over 23 years of experience specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy . He holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the State University of New York at Albany and completed his post-doctoral internship at the University of Pennsylvania Counseling Center. He has appeared on the Today Show, Court TV as an expert advisor, CBS Eyewitness News Philadelphia, 10! Philadelphia—NBC, and public radio. Dr. Bernstein has authored four books, including the highly popular 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Perseus Books, 2006), 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child (Perseus Books 2007), Why Can't You Read My Mind? , and Liking the Child You Love, Perseus Books 2009).

Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. , is a psychologist and the author of seven books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

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When older kids still have tantrums: What to know

By Bob Cunningham, EdM

Expert reviewed by Ellen Braaten, PhD

Quick tips for managing tantrums

Quick tip 1, resist the temptation to give in..

Be calm and try not to cave. Acknowledge what kids want, but don’t try to reason with them when they’re upset. Wait at least an hour before talking about the tantrum.

Quick tip 2

Be clear (and don’t argue) about rules..

Try not to fall into the “I didn’t know” or “you didn’t tell me” argument. Remind them what the rule is (like no cookies before dinner), and leave it at that.

Quick tip 3

Try self-calming strategies..

Have kids take a few deep breaths to relax. You can also remind them to “use their words” when they want something. A helpful phrase to use: “What would make things better?”

Quick tip 4

Keep track of triggers..

Make a note of when tantrums happen. It might be at bedtime, while doing homework, or when kids are hungry. Over time you may see patterns that help you predict (and prevent) future tantrums.

It’s common for young kids to have temper tantrums when they don’t get their way. But by the age of 8 or 9, tantrums have tapered off for most kids. 

When older kids have tantrums, people may see them as spoiled or disrespectful. The truth isn’t so simple, though. Tantrums happen for a reason.

As kids grow up, they typically develop language skills to express feelings like frustration and anger. They learn to negotiate for what they want. Most learn to handle strong emotions and cope with disappointment.

But some kids take longer to learn to handle strong emotions and cope with disappointment. They may struggle with self-control or anxiety, or have trouble putting feelings into words. These and other reasons can lead to older kids having frequent tantrums.

Dive deeper

Why it happens.

Tantrums may be a sign that older kids are having a hard time in certain areas. Their challenges may be with learning, behavior, or both.

When older kids have frequent tantrums, trouble managing emotions is often the cause. They may have trouble with self-control and, as a result, have a hard time calming down when they’re upset.

Stress and anxiety can play a role, too. When kids get stressed about certain activities, they may throw tantrums to avoid them. For example, kids who are struggling with schoolwork may throw a tantrum to avoid doing homework .

And some kids face specific struggles that can make tantrums continue long after their peers have stopped having them. For example, they may be struggling with language and have trouble putting their feelings into words. Or they may be doing poorly at school and use tantrums as a coping mechanism.

Learn more about why kids have trouble managing emotions .

When a tantrum is really a meltdown

They may sound and even look like they’re the same thing, but tantrums are very different from meltdowns. Kids can often control tantrums. Meltdowns are beyond their control. The causes are usually different, too.

For example, meltdowns often happen when kids are overstimulated and feeling overwhelmed. Tantrums happen when kids want something or are frustrated. 

Learn more about the difference between tantrums and meltdowns .

To prevent tantrums, be clear and consistent about expectations. When kids know what will and won’t happen (dinner’s at 7 — no cookies before dinner), they’re less likely to have a tantrum over it. So be sure to warn them if a routine is going to change.

As you take notes on what triggers tantrums, you may start to see patterns. Use that information to prevent tantrums. If having to stop playing to do work sets off a tantrum, try giving a 10-minute warning and then a five-minute warning ahead of time.

If schoolwork seems to be causing tantrums, parent-teacher communication is key. Find out what it looks like when kids are frustrated about school, and connect with your child’s teacher or your student’s parent or caregiver to start a conversation.

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Teen sent to juvenile detention for not completing homework speaks on ‘injustice’

“There are thousands of other Graces out there," the teen's mother said.

A Michigan mother and her teen daughter, who spent 78 days in juvenile detention after a judge ruled that she'd violated probation by not completing her homework, are speaking out about their experience, which they say was an injustice in the criminal justice system.

Wishing to be identified only as Grace -- her middle name -- the now-16-year-old, who is Black and has attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, had struggled to keep up with the transition to remote learning during the coronavirus pandemic last year. She was placed on "intensive probation" in April 2020 after being charged with assault for fighting with her mother and larceny for stealing a schoolmate's cellphone after her mother took hers away.

Grace, who lives in suburbs outside of Detroit, said that she knew there would be consequences for those actions, but she didn't realize they would rise to such a level, and that she thinks they did because she's Black.

"If a white girl were to steal the phone and she has the same history as me, same background, same everything ... they would probably look at her and say, 'Hey, you know, you're not brought up like this,'" Grace told ABC News' Linsey Davis. "But for me, I feel like it was more of an 'OK, this is what we expect from Black people.'"

Charisse, Grace's mother who also asked to use her middle name, called her daughter's incarceration an "injustice" that should "not be forgotten ... that should never occur again."

"My daughter was penalized because of having a learning disability, which is her chronic ADHD," Charisse told ABC News.

Stream ABC News Live Prime weeknights at 7 p.m. and 9 p.m. ET at abcnewslive.com .

Among the terms of her probation was a requirement that Grace complete all of her schoolwork on time. But she said the transition to virtual learning made her feel overwhelmed and anxious. She was matched with a caseworker who Charisse said she thought would help Grace get the support services she needed.

"When we first met, she had shared with us that one of her roles would be to help us through any issues, to keep my daughter on the straight and narrow," Charisse said. Instead "I got a violation," she said.

Within days of hearing Grace might have been behind on her schoolwork, the caseworker referred her to the court, recommending that she be placed in juvenile detention, according to ProPublica , which first reported the case. The Oakland County Family Court Division did not respond to ABC News' request for comment.

On May 14, Grace was subsequently brought before Oakland County family court Judge Mary Ellen Brennan, who at one point during the hearing said Grace was "a threat to the community." She ordered Grace to be taken into custody and sent to a county detention center named Children's Village. Her decision came after Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer's coronavirus-related order to keep juveniles out of detention unless they posed "a substantial and immediate safety risk to others."

"If we called every person who's taken something or a person who's [gotten into] an argument with their mom ... I'm pretty sure everybody would be ... a threat to the community," Grace said.

Jonathan Biernat, one of Grace's lawyers, said that in the handling of her case, the court never got "any testimony from the school or the teacher -- anybody involved with her education. They got testimony from the probation officer, the prosecutor. And the judge made her decision based on that testimony."

MORE: Judge: Teen jailed over homework released from probation

Reporter Jodi Cohen, who investigated Grace's case for ProPublica, told ABC News that 42% of youth referred to the court in the county where Grace lives are Black despite Black youth making up only 15% of the county's population.

"Cases like Grace's, and others where you see young people of color … disproportionately represented at various contact points, to me, that points out systemic failures long before the court involvement started," said Jason Smith, executive director of the Michigan Center for Youth Justice. "We wouldn't be talking about disparity rates at the confinement level if there was more support in the community. ... we wouldn't rely on the justice system to address a lot of these issues that shouldn't be criminalized in the first place."

Charisse said she's still haunted by the memories of her daughter being handcuffed and taken into custody.

"I was devastated. It just didn't make any sense and I became very angry. I was furious," she said.

Grace still holds on to all the letters of support that she received during her time in juvenile detention, but she said one still stands out for her: The first one she sent to her mother from inside.

"Dear mommy, I miss you a lot, and being here is hard. I haven't really wrote you because I had to ask God to give me strength to do so. I couldn't write without crying or feeling bad for the rest of the day. ... Please continue to send me pictures of me and you or just with anyone. I love you, mommy, and I miss you," the letter reads in part.

MORE: 6 former youth detention center employees arrested on sexual assault charges

Cohen said that she received a call from Charisse in May 2020. After Charisse told her about Grace's situation, "it didn't sound right," Cohen said.

"Most lawyers who looked at the case didn't think it was possible to get her out of the detention center," Biernat said. "It would be too difficult to convince the judge to change your mind."

Salma Khalil, another of Grace's lawyers, added that "these cases are long, they're drawn out, they're complicated [and] they require a lot of resources."

ProPublica published Grace's story in mid-July 2020 and it quickly sparked widespread outcry -- far more attention than Charisse had expected, she said.

"We immediately started to receive phone calls from all over the country. We got calls from senators, we got calls from legislators in [Washington], D.C. It was amazing," Biernat said.

Cohen said she didn't expect her article to trigger a social media movement calling to free Grace. High school students slept outside, near the facility in protest of Grace's incarceration. A petition for her release garnered hundreds of thousands of signatures. And a grassroots organization led a 100-car caravan from Grace's school to the detention center.

Less than a week after the ProPublica article, as pressure to revisit Grace's case mounted, Brennan agreed to a hearing on a motion to release her from detention. During the hearing, Brennan recounted Grace's history of encounters with law enforcement, which go back to when she was a preteen, Cohen said, adding that Brennan used the hearing to make her point of view on the case public.

Meanwhile, Grace pleaded with the judge for her release, saying, "Each day, I try to be a better person than I was the last, and I've been doing that even before I was in this situation. I'm getting behind in my actual school while here [at the detention center]. The schooling here is beneath my level of education."

Brennan ultimately decided that Grace belonged in juvenile detention and denied her release. Khalil said that, at the hearing, Grace and Charisse hugged in what she described as a "heartbreaking moment."

"I think people need to remember that Grace and her mom have a very close bond," Khalil said. "Charisse raised Grace with her own hands. She's an involved mom, so the trauma that they are both experiencing and being separated from one another … it just breaks your heart that our system did that to them."

Biernat, however, said they "weren't going to sleep" until she'd been let go, and filed a petition with the Michigan Court of Appeals. It worked. Eleven days after the hearing, the appeals court ordered Grace to be released immediately.

Now, nearly a year after her experience, Grace is an honors student who enjoys taking pictures during her free time. She's also started to speak out about her experience, which has begun to catalyze change in the state. In June, Whitmer signed an executive order to create a task force on juvenile justice reform.

MORE: More than 30,000 children under age 10 have been arrested in the US since 2013: FBI

One of the goals of Whitmer's task force is to collect statewide data on the juvenile justice system's influence on youth who enter it, including how many youth within the justice system -- regardless of their race -- are there due to school discipline or academic issues. Smith said these numbers are currently "unknown."

"There are thousands of other Graces out there and we need to pay attention to those children," Charisse said. "Our Black girls are being criminalized. My child was criminalized because of her behavior and her ADHD, but Black girls are being criminalized just because of who they are."

Attorney Allison Folmar, a longtime family friend who is now representing them, told ABC News they are now planning to file a due process complaint against the school district where Children's Village is located, alleging that Grace was denied her right to adjust to remote learning as a student with ADHD.

"The Individuals with Disabilities [in Education] Act exists because you have to prohibit the very injustice that occurred in this case," Folmar said. "This federal act empowers students who are differently abled to learn in accordance with his or her individual ability and progress. Students cannot be forced into mainstream academic practice that leaves them at an educational disadvantage."

She went on, "So, this is about making sure that the educational system does not leave another child behind and … say we're speaking of this case, to criminalize the inability to learn in this type of situation."

While she noted that Grace is "still trying to recover academically" after her time in juvenile detention, Folmar also said that Grace "excels" when given "all of the necessary tools to thrive" and pointed to her becoming an honors student.

"We are simply trying to make her whole," Folmar said.

Since her learning plan had been disrupted by her incarceration, Folmar said they're now seeking compensation in the civil case to pay for the new school she's attending as well as the services she needs to succeed academically.

MORE: Hundreds claim decades of abuse by 150 youth center staffers

Grace said that her future plans include going to college and starting a computer information or cybersecurity business. She also said she wants to continue to advocate for others.

When asked if there was anything she would say to Brennan, Grace said she would tell her, "I'm not just what was on the papers. I'm not just what you saw from those reports or what you saw in those files. I have so many different attributes and I'm so different than just that, and I hope that she doesn't judge everyone based on just that."

ABC News' Gabriella Abdul-Hakim contributed to this report.

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Home / Expert Articles / Parenting Strategies & Techniques / Consequences & Rewards

“Why Don’t Consequences Work for My Teen?” Here’s Why…and How to Fix It

By megan devine, lcpc.

If you’re having trouble giving effective consequences to your teen, know that you are not alone. Many parents tell me that nothing seems to work and that coming up with the right thing for their child can seem like an impossible task.

If you’re the parent of an adolescent, you may have grounded your child, taken away their video games, or suspended their driving privileges for months on end. But as James Lehman says, you can’t punish kids into acceptable behavior—it just doesn’t work that way.

“You can’t punish kids into acceptable behavior.”

Rather, an effective consequence should encourage your child to change their behavior — whether that is abiding by the house rules or treating people respectfully. So first, you need to identify the behavior you want to change.

For example, if your child swears when they don’t get their way, you want them to behave more appropriately. Instead of grounding or punishing , or even reasoning with your child when they get angry and lash out, an effective consequence here would require your child to practice better behavior – and improve their self-control – for a period of time before their normal privileges are restored.

Let’s break this down according to The Total Transformation Program :

• Effective consequences are connected to the original behavior and are both task- and time-specific.
• “Connected to the original behavior” means that your consequence needs to be related to the behavior you want to see your child change or improve.
• “Task-specific” means that there is something your child needs to accomplish or practice related to the original problem. This is a concrete behavior, like washing the dishes, meeting curfew, or not swearing.
• “Time specific” means there is a specific amount of time in which they needs to demonstrate that behavior.

So, when your child swears, they might lose access to their electronics until they can go without swearing for two hours. The consequence is tied to the behavior. They swore, so they have to practice not swearing. This consequence is task-specific – it requires them to exercise the part of their brain that governs self-control. If they want their stuff back, they have to practice better behavior. And it’s time-specific – they need to demonstrate self-control for two hours. Only then are they free to have their privileges back.

It’s important to understand that you can’t get your child not to feel angry or frustrated. That’s just part of being human. But you can require that they change the way they deal with those feelings. You can expect them to practice some self-control. Your goal is to require that your child practice the better behavior for a certain amount of time before they get their privileges back. So practice and behavioral improvement equals the restoration of privileges.

If they yell about their consequence, or how unfair it is, you can say:

“I understand that you’re angry. Yelling is not going to get you what you want. Once you’ve been able to deal with your anger appropriately for two hours, you will get your electronics back.”

Do not continue to explain your consequences or justify your decisions. They may mumble to themselves or text their friends about how awful you are, and it may take some time, but eventually, your child will decide to practice those skills that earn back their electronics.

How to Choose a Consequence

Think of it this way: a privilege is a motivator. The withdrawal or granting of a privilege should give your child an incentive to follow the rules of your house, even when they don’t agree with those rules.

An effective consequence is a privilege your child is interested in. For some kids, video games are a powerful motivator, while other kids could care less about them. Taking away a cell phone for two hours works for some kids while others would just find another way to communicate.

In order to choose the right privilege to use as a consequence, you have to know your child. What are their interests? What would really impact them if they lost it for a short period of time? Some parents tell us that using the blanket term “all electronics” works better than just saying “no video games,” which can make kids turn to YouTube as a distraction.

Remember, the right privilege should be an activity that your child will actually miss. Withhold that privilege until your child completes the task you’ve set for them.

James Lehman suggests that you sit down with your child and come up with a list of privileges and consequences together. The advantage here is that you are working as a team to solve the problem. It can help you identify things or activities your child truly values. It also clarifies what the consequences will be for certain infractions—for everyone involved. Not only will your child know what will happen if they break a certain rule, but the parents don’t have to spend time coming up with something in the heat of the moment.

What If Your Child Doesn’t Seem to Care What You Use as a Consequence?

Many parents call the Empowering Parents parent coaching team , saying that their kid doesn’t seem to care what they take away. One dad said to me in exasperation,

“Even though my daughter lives to text, she acts like she could care less when her phone is taken away. Nothing works with her!”

Some kids appear not to care what activity you restrict; they pretend they didn’t want to do it anyway.

But look at it this way: would your child really want you to know that they care about the consequence you’re giving them? Would they reveal their reaction to you and let you know you got to them? That would make it seem like you have power over them, and they aren’t about to concede on that one.

So some kids, like the teenage girl above, feign indifference when you remove a privilege. If you’ve watched your child and know that what you’re taking away really does impact them, don’t worry about whether or not they seem suitably upset at the loss of it. Give the consequence time to work.

What If the Consequences Still Aren’t Working?

So what if you know you’ve chosen a valuable privilege and your consequences still aren’t working? The key here is to take a look at the length of time privileges are removed. Is it too long? Does your child lose interest in what you’ve taken away (the “out of sight, out of mind” dilemma)? Is the time frame so long that your child can’t possibly be successful (no swearing for a whole month)?

Remember, your goal is to create better behavior in your child, and the consequence/privilege needs to encourage that improvement by being time-specific. If you truly want your child to improve their behavior, you need to create an environment in which your child can succeed. The time span of your consequence is important – it should be long enough that your child has to stretch their skills and short enough that you have a good chance of seeing improvement.

In summary, to be effective, a consequence needs to be short-term, task-specific, and involve a privilege your child values. Your goal here is to produce a child who can respond to limits, meet responsibilities, and demonstrate age-appropriate behavior. Your consequences and privileges help get them there.

Be Persistent and Consistent

One last word of advice: parents often want to see their child’s behavior improve overnight. If you are faced with a child who behaves inappropriately under stress, your consequences should require them to practice and get better. Don’t expect perfection immediately. Like any new skill, better behavior takes practice.

When implementing a new consequence, you can expect some failure. You can expect that you may need to restart a couple of times. In the beginning, you may find that your child behaves inappropriately every day and has their privileges removed often. That doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong consequence. It simply means your child needs time to practice better skills. And they need you to be consistent and to keep them practicing.

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify

About Megan Devine, LCPC

Megan Devine is a licensed clinical therapist, former Empowering Parents Parent Coach, speaker and writer. She is also the bonus-parent to a successfully launched young man. You can find more of her work at refugeingrief.com , where she advocates for new ways to live with grief.

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Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. We wouldn't recommend using Prom or other special events as a consequence, as Sarah Bean explains in this article: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/8-parental-rules-for-prom-night-should-you-ever-take-away-prom/. Taking away things like prom, birthday celebrations, or Christmas tends to cause a lot of resentment and very little behavior change. A more productive approach would be having her return the stolen merchandise and take accountability that way. For more information on effective consequences, you can check out these articles: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/parenting-strategies-techniques/consequences-rewards/

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.

My son is 14,grade8, hehas the attitude of not caring, following no rules, never doing what I ask, unless I nagg continuously, he is a grade leader representative, but his marks are dismall, I have grounded, taken his games, now the phone because he is failing Maths, says he never has homework and rarely studies. I am a single Mom, after separating due to a very toxic marriage that I couldn't "fix", I am at the point of letting him go live with his Dad, who is an alcoholic or putting him in a boarding school,I don't know what to do, and it makes me feel that I am his problem.I suggested a councilor but he is not very open to that. I can let him go live with my brother, but that would make me feel even more like I failed as his Mom and protector. Pls help with any advice.

He is very strong willed, intelligent and waisting away, my concern is, it is like he is oblivious to the effect it has on me emotionally and also our household, as he has a 7year old sister that is always caught in our arguments, I feel I am failing him, no matter what I do, it's not working.

Any advice would be appreciated

Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. 14 can be a tough age and the behaviors you describe are not uncommon for teens. Many parents I speak to as a parenting coach have shared similar stories, so you are not alone. It will be most productive to focus on just one or two behaviors at a time - trying to address too many things at once can be overwhelming, for both the parent and the child. You may find this article helpful when trying to decide what your next step will be:https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-childs-behavior-is-so-bad-where-do-i-begin-how-to-coach-your-child-forward/.

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.

We are having a on going issues with my 14 F step daughter stealing from especially me, but it is also he younger brother and dad. Everyone has there own personal belongings, even bathroom products. The stealing has gotten so bad I have a closet with all my items locked up we don't want her to take. My husband thought he closed the door open this morning to the closet, but he is not sure or she took my keys and opened it not sure ( which she done in the past), but she was in it. She took hair ties, if it is unlocked

she can't help herself. It doesn't matter what we do, we have ground her for it, made her do chores to pay it back & ( ground her), striped her room down to bare essentials for two weeks. What she takes is anywhere from hair products to toothbrush mainly, occasions clothes, and underwear. We supply her with her own personal bathroom products so instead of asking for new shampoo because she is low, she just takes mine. Takes toothbrush and puts them back. This has been going on for about two years, we have tired counselors, nothing seems to work. Her brother doesn't behave this way, either he is fairly respectful of other people things.

Thank you for reaching to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. I can hear how distressed you are with your teen daughter's behavior and choices. It can be tough to know how to hold your child accountable when it seems like they don't care about anything and their behavior keeps getting worse. Janet Lehman wrote an excellent article about how to get control back in these types of situations. You can find that article here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/scared-of-your-defiant-child-learn-how-to-get-back-your-parental-control/. Another article you may find helpful is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/kids-who-ignore-consequences-10-ways-to-make-them-stick/.

My son is 13 years old and resides in My Home primarily, but I spend time at his other parents house on a regular basis. He spends the night there every Thursday & also on alternating weekends (Thursday after school thru Monday drop off at school).

Both households have very different expectations and rules - and, the other parent refuses to communicate about anything whatsoever.

He rarely touches his homework while he is at his other parent’s house, and spends most of his time, playing video games and messing around online. When he returns home, he constantly has a ton of make up work and it negatively impacts our whole household because he is constantly doing homework here. He plays the Xbox, watches, YouTube, and messes around online pretty much the entire time he is there, and neglects the things that he knows he needs to do.

How do I hold him accountable? The other challenge is that when a punishment is necessary that the other parent will not enforce anything at the other home. So if we take away the Xbox or Internet privileges, I don’t think it really bothers him when he knows he gets to go spend several days away doing what he would like to do online.

Do you have any advice on how to implement effective consequences for his behavior that cannot be undermined by the reprieves that he spends away? Quite frankly, I feel like I am being punished for him not behaving over there because he’s constantly doing everything to make up here and it’s just unpleasant.

If I didn’t bother helping him to catch up when he returns home after each visit, he’s likely be failing all of his classes. I want to teach him that it’s important to finish the tasks that he is assigned, regardless of who’s house he is at, & that he’s capable of doing what he knows he should. Do you have any advice?

My daughter is doing things like stealing my car, sneaking out in the middle of the night, having sex, has d’s and f’s on her report card, lying, manipulating, fighting with family members constantly, it is just always something with her. i just planned a beach trip for just she and i because i have other kids and don’t get much one on one time with her that she craves so we went. while there, she was constantly disrespecting my 75 year old grandmother and grandfather, my cousin and the friend. i decided leaving was best so that everyone’s vacation wouldn’t be ruined and instead of just packing and getting in the car, she damaged the hotel, starting screaming and throwing things and took off running screaming at the top of her lungs to call the police and acted like i was abusing her. the police came and almost took me to jail(i was in handcuffs in the cop car) until they got the story from everyone and realized that this is a repeat thing she does to try and get her way.

when we got home i took all electronics like phone, ipad, mac book, apple watch/pencil, etc. only to find out she found where i hid them & got her phone back herself. she has no respect for anyone!!!

what do i do?

Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. It sounds like you have a lot going on with your daughter right now. I can understand both your concern and your frustration. It will be most productive to focus on one behavior or area of concern at a time. Because it can be difficult sometimes to figure out what behavior to start with, I often suggest parents make a list of all the behaviors they are seeing and focus on the most difficult behavior first. Carole Banks discusses this in her article, "My Child's Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?" How To Coach Your Child Forward as well. This will help you to start developing a culture of accountability in your home.

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents Community. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.

Our 21 year old lives with us at home, and he makes promises and does not keep them. He needed to send his resume to us and some other paperwork and promises to do it but doesn't follow through.

We have talked to him and nothing changes, he has social anxiety and it takes him a while to adjust to new situations. We don't understand how to help him? Please advise.

CUL4 Thank you , all for sharing. I have a Teenager daughter who nothing works for. She won't attend school, therapy and punishment of any kind doesn't work.she just leaves. I block her path and she jumps out the window. Nothing works.. but reading your questions helps me not feel More alone. Thank you

My 11 years old daughter has anger issue lately. when she can't get what she wants especially electronics talks loud and with too much pressure.

i also don't know what activity to substitute if I limit the electronic time. She is not interested in reading books, playing her instrument ....

please advise me

I am so sorry for your loss. I can understand how upsetting your son's behaviors are and can hear how distressing it is for you. I'm glad to hear both of your children are in therapy. Loss of a parent can be be especially hard on adolescents and teens, even if their outward behavior may not show that. I encourage you to check in with your son's therapist about this and follow his recommendations on consequences.

Thank you for checking on and sharing your story.

Mother of a teenage boy My 15yr old son in the last 3 months has done some concerning things such as take my mother’s car to the shop (no license), and got caught bunking school and also vaping. I’m at a loss what to do I have taken his phone from him and the next More thing is touch rugby which he loves. My question is touch rugby has given him confidence will I be making the situation worse if I take it away from him ?

It's just not possible for a parent to take a cellphone or laptop or computer from a child, who is taller/bigger than parent. I was following the advice in this article (several times) and we always end up "wrestling". A teen kid will not just hand you his cellphone, he will not let you easily pick up his laptop, etc. What to do then?

How to make them do their schoolwork/homework also not clear to me, because they just will not do it.I tried to convince him, I tried to offer extra time on computer,I was promissing to buy something,etc ,he still will not do it. Please advise.

You bring up an excellent point. WE would not recommend getting into any sort of physical power struggle with your child trying to make them hand over the device. You might instead turn off service to the device or turn off the Wi-Fi. You may find this article on fail proof consequences helpful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/odd-kids-consequences-that-work-on-oppositional-defiant-rebellious-children/

Thank you for reaching out.

Consequences-You day to take something away for a short time and have them work towards it.

My son is the size of a man.

My son has gone into depression and laid on his bed for days without anything.

My son has ran away for days at a time.

My son would prefer to be kicked out of school.

I have called the police about my son. They have done NOTHING and the advice given was get into therapy and a parenting program.

My son won’t attend therapy.

Parenting programs say “have consequences, follow through, take things away!”

Help please.

Deb W. I try taking away phones, videos game, tv etc for my not listening or being angry nothing seems to help. they don't care about things being taken away from them. Do you have another consequence I can try? I try sending them to their rooms. It did nothing. More I try making them sitting on timeout chair nothing seems to bother them. Help!

Lisa my Daughter when she is very upset and we take away something sometimes she physically trys to keep that object(usually some type of electronics) like making us grab for it; or just flat out refusing to hand it over? I have found myself wrestling with her(to her outward amusement) for More the device..how do I proceed here?

Our son was a straight A child. Never had trouble in school. Seemed effortless. He started 6 grade middle school in August, he almost failed 3 classes. The rest are A’s. At first I thought he was just overwhelmed with all of the teachers and assignments. Having to be accountable but now I feel like no matter how much we try to help, and how much we take away. He just zones out, like it’s no big deal that he is failing. He isn’t doing his homework. We ask him right after school daily, he looks you’d traight in the eyes and says “no homework”

So we can actually see 2 of his class assignments online but the rest you can’t. So we got 2 of the grades up but he isn’t taking notes and again, his work isn’t getting done. I have tried so many things. I feel lost and helpless. Any ideas?

Passedmylimit I have 18 year old daughter.very good hearted goes to school with good grades and works. Downfall..even though she was warned she sneaks out the house takes grandpa's car ..thinks she can come and go as she pleases and smokes pot..she doesn't even deny it or try to cover up More the smell.after the last warning of curfew I was out at 4 am looking for her ..argumnents with my husband over this behavior when she finally answered her phone I made her return home pack her belongings and find a place to live where she can do what she wanted. She found a friend that came and got her and has been out since.i feel so awful and empty for this but she was warned multiple times that this would happen. I have taken her off our phone plan and she will be paying that herself. She was not paying rent and chores where done half way. I also have an 11 year old that sees this.i will not have her believe that this behavior is ok. Did i do the right thing? Or did I do more damage.please help!

That you don't want to punish your child.

But apply consequences from a power point of view by withholding things that they prefer sounds to me liking punishing.

Sitting together to think about working consequences doesn't seems to sounds to me liking working like a team.

If your child doesn't come up or agree with a consequence what do you do than.

Let it go our use your hierarchical advances to force them in choosing.

I think for testing if your way of parenting is reasonable you can do the following. If your team lead at work will do the same things to do as you do to your child would you like that, would you agree, would you stay or would you do differently. If you say you would to differently then you may need to rethink your parenting style at home.

Jens My wife does exactly what you recommend with our teenage son, who has been diagnosed with both ADHD and autism, and the only result is escalation, threats of violence, or violent behavior. As a stepfather, my wife does not allow me to interfere.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach Thank you for your question. This is a common scenario we hear from many parents, so you are not alone in experiencing this. We do not recommend trying to physically wrestle away devices from kids, mainly because it causes things to escalate even more and increases the chances More that someone might get hurt as you described. Instead, it tends to be more effective to set a clear limit (such as, “Your phone needs to be on the kitchen table in 2 minutes. If not, there will be additional consequences”), and walk away to allow things to cool down. If your child refuses to hand over electronics, it’s going to be more effective to focus on where you have control, which is over yourself and your own responses. Sara Bean outlines some options in her article, 4 Steps to Managing Your Child’s Screen Time . Please be sure to let us know if you have additional questions. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you have faced with your son, and I’m glad that you are here reaching out for support. Many parents feel frustrated with their child’s attitude, so you are not alone. The truth is, trying to make your son “care” or improve More his attitude is likely to be frustrating, because he is ultimately the one in charge of how he feels about a given situation. It’s going to be more effective to focus on meeting his responsibilities and following the rules, regardless of how he might feel about a given situation. In addition, I recommend starting with one concrete behavior, such as following directions the first time, rather than a broad concept like respect. You can find more information and tips in “My Child’s Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?” How to Coach Your Child Forward . I hope that you will write back and let us know how things are going for you and your son. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. I hear how concerned you are about your niece’s behavior. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside More of a direct parenting role. It may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing your particular issues. The 211 National Helpline is a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, support groups, kinship services as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Suzie Perth It's been months since my last post. 

Our 16 year old daughter's life has been turned upside down since she left home in September last year. She is now staying with the older boyfriend and his father. (both the boy and his father have a mental illness). They have isolated her from her family. 

The school had believed what my daughter had told them and that's why they helped her, however as soon as she was supposedly classified as an independent adult and started receiving benefits from the government (Up to $650 a fortnight), she stopped going to school. The school refused to tell us anything. Whether she was attending school. How she was doing. This drove our family into despair. Once the school psychologist came back from long service leave, he straightened everything out with the school staff as we had been in contact with him for years and knew how we were struggling with her. Then we learnt that she hadn't been attending school so we tried getting her to go back. My husband went around to where she was staying and she promised to go back and she never did. He was going there almost daily as she doesn't want to give us her mobile phone number. 

We've tried stopping the payments she is receiving because she does not qualify to receive the payments. You need to be attending school or working in order to receive the payments, however the government youth worker decided not to stop the payments which we felt is not teaching our daughter to be honest and it certainly wont encourage her to go back to school. She did badly in the last exams. 

She admitted before she left home that her friends were drinking and taking drugs. The father of the boy wont answer our calls as he said he's not responsible for her. He did advertise to the school and other people that she had lost her virginity in his home. We have limited contact with her via skype. 

She has been an aggressive person and asked us if she had always been like that at home as other people are telling her she is aggressive. Yes, we had to put up with a lot. Our 11 year old twins are much happier now that she is gone and are reluctant to have her back home as she was always mean to them. 

Last week we found some very suggestive photos she placed on the internet and I asked her immediately to remove them as she is not allowed to post that on the internet due to child protection laws. She hasn't removed them. She has gone right down and lost all self respect. She sees me as being the person to blame for everything that's gone wrong in her life as she cannot accept responsibility for what she has done. The rudeness we get from her has just slowly pushed us all away from her as she has nothing nice to say. We were told by many people and professionals to stop all contact, as it is not of any benefit. We were having 1 skype message every week sometimes every 2 weeks. We are to wait till she hits rock bottom and she asks for help. 

We NEVER realised that parenting would be as emotionally challenging and as difficult as this as my husband and I were not rebellious. 

On a good note, our 11 year old twins are learning from this and said they will not behave as she has, when they get to that age. We have to focus on our twins and try and move on, which is not easy as I think of her ALL the time, which is wrong as I should be more focused on our children at home.. Our marriage is stronger than before, as we've worked together on trying to parent our troubled daughter. She will hopefully learn from her mistakes and we know it's going to take a very long time to mend our relationship with her. Unfortunately things will never go back to what they were before mixing with the wrong group of people. The desire for her to be accepted by her peers outweighed the values she once had.

It has been good reading and knowing, we are not alone and that so many people are having problems with their children. We have felt really embarrassed, ashamed, very hurt, by what our daughter has done but we've had  to put that behind us and move on or else we'll always be unhappy. This is just a point in ones life and this is our turning point, to move on and let her get on with her life knowing that we've done the best we could.

Jamid1 This has been a huge help for me. I read the suggested article along with some others on this website. I have learned to be firm but not argumentative with my son. I try to give him a minute to spout out all his frustrations verbally without interrupting and when More hes done simply remind him that I asked him to do whatever discipline and that's it. If he continues to be combative I simply tell him to go to his room and cool off and then I walk away. I also had a candid conversation with him after the above incident. I told him that I would not hesitate to call the police in order to protect myself as well as protect him from doing something he would regret. Though he was initially very upset that I would "call the cops" I think it helped him realize how unruly his behavior really was. We agreed that we would both try to be less combative and that if I asked him to go to his room he would simply do so to take a few minutes to cool off before we continue our conversation. Thank you so much!

Poppy234 ADHD parent I try saying OK its your choice, you can give up your phone now for 15 minutes or when you are asleep I will take it and you lose it for 2 hours tomorrow. Or similar. They still get mad though. Also when you have the phone for More 2 hours, they can shorten that time by doing chores. I have to keep stressing that it is HER choice not mine, it is within her power to get her phone back more quickly. She may still have kept the phone on this occasion but eventually may make the choice to give it up as its less hassle in the long run.

Poppy234 @Family With our daughter more sleep helps so much with temper outbursts. Try tracking how cross he is and matching with how much sleep he has. So we lie with her and rub her back, it helps to make sure she gets to sleep not too late.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Frustrated mom2017 I hear you.  It can be so frustrating when your child not only refuses to follow directions, but also lies about it.  Although it’s normal to feel angry and upset upon discovering this, I encourage you to do your besthttps://www.empoweringparents.com/article/disrespectful-child-behavior-dont-take-it-personally/.  Chances are that her choices are not directed More at you, but are instead a reflection of poor problem-solving skills.  It sounds like your daughter is already receiving a natural consequence at school of a poor grades for the performance on her math test, as well as refusing to do the corrections.  It could be useful at this point to have a conversation with her about what happened, and what she will do differently moving forward in her math class as outlined in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-you-should-let-your-child-fail-the-benefits-of-natural-consequences/.  Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take care.

Poppy234 Frustrated mom2017 This is hard. So there is the maths grade and the lying. I would ask her why she didn't want to do the corrections. Is she struggling? Does she need extra help outside school? Can you sit with her while she does them? If she is being lazy, More then either try keeping the iPod only until she does the corrections. If she is overworked forget punishment but take her out somewhere after she does them, perhaps she thinks she works too hard, perhaps she is stressed and has too much on her plate. The lying I would be concerned about and would make sure I had time with her each night to chat. See what worries her. Rub her feet or whatever she likes to get close to her. Find out what annoys her about you and don't stand up for yourself. Try a conversation journal where you talk to each other, nothing negative in it from you, ask her questions in it. I think all kids lie from time to time and we need to minimise it by staying close.

My daughter is 9 (so pre-teen) but I still need help with a consequence. Around 5:15am this morning she took my Iphone off my nightstand and brought it in her room to look at her friend's parent's profile pages on my Facebook app. She broke multiple rules by doing this! According to this article what would a good consequence be? No tv or electronics (which she does care about) until she learns not to steal or invade my privacy? I need help. Something more specific. Thanks to all

-preteen mom

Poppy234 Preteen mom In addition to consequences I would put a password on the phone or fingerprint ID, it could be too big a temptation for her ongoing and it would be kinder to take it off the agenda.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Preteen mom Many parents struggle with effective consequences, regardless of the age of their child, so you are not alone.  I’m glad that you’re here, reaching out for support.  Part of addressing this with your daughter will be discussing what happened, and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/about what she could have done differently instead More of taking your phone without permission.  Instead of taking away TV or electronics until she learns to respect boundaries or refrain from stealing, it could be more effective in this situation to talk about how she can make it up to you, and “right the wrong” she committed by not respecting your boundaries.  You can suspend electronics until this amends is complete.  Janet Lehman offers more tips in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/i-caught-my-child-lying-how-to-manage-sneaky-behavior-in-kids/.  Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your daughter.  Take care.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Krist4711 We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story.  I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you and your family are facing with your niece. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions More we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. It may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing your particular issues.  The http://www.211.org is a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, support groups as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

SLParker @Stephan  We all want what's best for our kids and as adults we have the life experience and wisdom to know what we could or should have done different. At 17 its time to start picking and choosing your battles with the understanding that your son has to fail from More time to time to learn the lesson for himself. His test scores can not be more important to you than they are him that is a recipe for disaster. If two hours is all he wants to contribute to his future well being then explain to him what comes along with that choice. Let him make the choice its time.

I’m so sorry to hear about the situation with your daughter, and I hope

that she returns home safely soon.We

hear from many parents who describe similar frustration that, despite punishing

a child over and over again, the child’s behavior does not improve, or might

even get worse. You are not alone in this situation.Something to keep in mind is that

consequences by themselves do not change behavior, because continuing to take

things away from your daughter is not teaching her what to do differently.You might find some alternate strategies in

our article series https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-1-how-to-coach-your-child-to-better-behavior/

and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-2-making-child-behavior-changes-that-last/.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your family.Take care.

It’s not uncommon for parents and teens to disagree on the appropriate

amount of studying and preparation required to do well, so you are not

alone.I also want to point out that

learning how to negotiate and advocate for himself appropriately are valuable

life skills for your son to possess, and it’s normal at this stage in his

development to desire more autonomy and independence when making decisions like

this.As pointed out in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-rules-and-expectations-but-everyone-else-is-doing-it/, it might be more

effective at this point to help your son learn how to manage his time more

independently.Please be sure to write

back and let us know how things are going with you and your son.Take care.

Thank you for the article. Taking my daughters phone off her for a day when she misbehaves has not been working at all, it makes her even more angry, but I think your ideas make perfect sense and a day is too long. I am going to try this later as there are bound to be insults or pushing about of poor Mum later today! Plenty of scope for trial and error!!! 

It seems to me that as children get older they want to be listened to and loved but not to be given any advice on anything unless specifically asked! And some children don't half dish it out. Even quiet chewing with my mouth closed drives my daughter to distraction. I'm bored with the negativity.

cuddles84 tryed all that the way you said  still does not work.

ExasperatedSingleMum

You bring up an excellent question, what can a parent do

when a child refuses to comply with consequences? I think it can help to know

that it’s not uncommon for kids, especially teens, to push back when given a

consequence. They can refuse to hand over devices, go out with friends even

when they’ve been grounded, and  refuse to do extra chores. For that

reason, it’s important to make sure that the consequences you use are fail

proof consequences – consequences you can follow through with even when

your child refuses to comply. Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner discuss

how to give fail proof consequences in their article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-odd-children-and-teens-how-to-make-consequences-work/. I hope

you find this article helpful. Be sure to check back if you have any further

questions. Take care.

I have been through something simular on and off for years. After serious soul seaching and time. I found I had to let go. It was painful, but instead of trying to control my kids,and ex I focused on what is in my control and my response. I used techniques from the "secret". I used my time differently when I am with my kids and they always know what they mean to me. We have a much better relationship and I get all the hard and personal issues they are afriad to share with anyone else.

I would support what your 13 year old wants, but let them know bashing is not ok and you refuse to lower yourself to thst level. than have a great time with your young one, but invite your older child when possible. Even if your oldest never joins you she will know the door is not closed and she has the choice.

Kids know what is going on and they see all the crap, and odds are they will come around especially if. They know they are loved and forgiven. Maturity has had a huge impact.

You establish your boundries and stick to them. She is 18.... welcome to being an adult. She will grow up and learn she has a strong mum that wont take her disrespect.

Poppy234 still learningmom I think you give really good advice. It seems to me that a lot of parenting of a particularly control adverse child consists of letting go of control. Sometimes boundaries come down to what is legal and safe. Smoking pot and stealing would not be allowed therefore, but More perhaps getting her to abstain from smoking in your house until the birthday party would have been an option. Or getting her to replace missing items before the party? Goodness it's a hard line to walk, we need enormous patience. I would go the line of apologising but when a quiet moment arrives ask her to talk about it, asking her many questions about the situation and refraining from adding much opinion at all.

Dee The same thing happened to me , me ex was also a total narcissist in the clinical sense. I took him to court, representing myself & made a clear plea to the judge to let him know what was going on. He gave me everything I asked for. Good luck

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

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