funny essay copy and paste

Funny Copypastas

Copy & paste funny copypasta emojis & symbols, individual emojis, related text & emojis, more emojis :.

50+ Cursed, Funny, and Best Copypastas

A copypasta is a chunk of text that has been repeatedly copied and pasted on the web.

It’s known to be originated on 4chan, an image-based bulletin board.

An example of a copypasta is, “Don’t care + Didn’t ask + Cry about it + Stay mad + Get real + L”.

Copypastas are mainly used on Twitch and Discord.

On Twitch, people mainly use them to troll or annoy streamers.

Although a copypasta looks like it’s generated by AI, it’s actually written by a human and spread across the internet.

This list contains 50+ cursed, funny, and best copypastas for Twitch and Discord.

Cursed copypastas

Funny copypastas, best copypastas, twitch copypastas.

• When the person who pretends to be someone else in order to deceive others, especially for fraudulent gain is giving the impression that something is questionable or dishonest, causing one to have the idea or impression that they are of questionable, dishonest, or dangerous character or condition.
• Dude I own this NFT. Do you really think you can get away with theft when you’re showing what you stole directly to my face. My lawyers will make an easy job of this case. Prepare to say goodbye to your luscious life and start preparing for the streets. I will ruin you.
• Number one. Steady hand. One day, Kim Jong Un need new heart. I do operation. But mistake! Kim Jong Un die! SSD very mad! I hide fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car and new woman. Darryl save life.
• This 👈👉 is money snek. 🐍🐍💰💰 Upsnek ⬆⬆🔜🔜 in 7.123 7⃣ 1⃣2⃣3⃣ snekonds 🐍🐍 or you ✋✋ will NEVER ❌❌❌❌ get monies 💰💰 again Beware!! ✋✋❌❌ You😏😏 don’t ❌❌ have much time!!🕛🕧🕐🕜🕑🕝🕝 You 😏😏 may never ❌❌get monies 💰💰🐍💰💰 again!!
• Noobmaster, hey it’s Thor again. You know, the god of thunder? Listen, buddy, if you don’t log off this game immediately I will fly over to your house, and come down to that basement you’re hiding in and rip off your arms and shove them up your butt! Oh, that’s right, yea just go cry to your father you little weasel.
• The 💰 specific 💰 views 💰 expressed 💰 by 💰 blitzchung 💰 were 💰 NOT 💰 a 💰 factor 💰 in 💰 the 💰 decision💰 we💰 made.💰 I 💰 want 💰 to 💰 be 💰 clear: 💰 our 💰 relationships 💰 in China 💰 had 💰 no💰 influence 💰 on 💰 our 💰 decision.💰
• wo’ah, earf, birming’am, fish n’ chips… long ago, the fou’ nations live togedah in ah’mony. then ev’ryfing changed when the IRA attacked…. only the avatah, mastah of all fou’ elements could stop ’em but when the queen needed ‘im most, ‘e vanished. 100 yea’s passed and me bruv and i found the new avatah. a fish n’ chips bendah named aang. although ‘is chipbendin’ skills ah great, ‘e still ‘as a lo’ to lea’n ‘fore ‘e’s ready to save anyone m8.
• Today when I walked into my economics class I saw something I dread every time I close my eyes. Someone had brought their new gaming laptop to class. The Forklift he used to bring it was still running idle at the back. I started sweating as I sat down and gazed over at the 700lb beast that was his laptop. He had already reinforced his desk with steel support beams and was in the process of finding an outlet for a power cable thicker than Amy Schumer’s thigh. I start shaking. I keep telling myself I’m going to be alright and that there’s nothing to worry about. He somehow finds a fucking outlet. Tears are running down my cheeks as I send my last texts to my family saying I love them. The teacher starts the lecture, and the student turns his laptop on. The colored lights on his RGB Backlit keyboard flare to life like a nuclear flash, and a deep humming fills my ears and shakes my very soul. The entire city power grid goes dark. The classroom begins to shake as the massive fans begin to spin. In mere seconds my world has gone from vibrant life to a dark, earth-shattering void where my body is getting torn apart by the 150mph gale force winds and the 500-decibel groan of the cooling fans. As my body finally surrenders, I weep, as my school and my city go under. I hate gaming laptops.
• If my girl👧😍 and my beyblades💯🔥 are both drowning🌊😦 and I could only save one😄☝️you can catch me letting it rip😤 at my girl’s funeral😅👻💀 cause it’s bey blade or catch a fade🙏👊😠💯😭
• What I think people who are not in the Greek System need to understand is that partying isn’t just something we do. It’s ingrained into our lives. Many people, these days, are perfectly content with sitting on their computers all day playing video games. I used to be a competitive gamer and I used to do this. After joining the Greek system, partying became a new norm that was ingrained into my life. We need it for our well-being. It helps us escape society. There have even been studies that show how necessary gatherings are for our well-being. The fact that it was stripped away from us, especially by something that barely affects us specifically is very detrimental to our mental state. People are giving us so much crap for it, yet they don’t know what it’s like for us to be deprived of everything that’s fun for us.
• ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷᘛ⁐ᕐᐷ RATS RATS WE ARE THE RATS WE PRAY AT NIGHT WE STALK AT NIGHT WE ARE THE RATS
• To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Rick and Morty. The humour is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the jokes will go over a typical viewer’s head. There’s also Rick’s nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterisation- his personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes, to realise that they’re not just funny—they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Rick & Morty truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn’t appreciate, for instance, the humour in Rick’s existential catchphrase “Wubba Lubba Dub Dub,” which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev’s Russian epic Fathers and Sons. I’m smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Dan Harmon’s genius wit unfolds itself on their television screens.
• grrrr jappan 🇯🇵 is best country in teh world (sekai) !!!!🤬😡!!!👹🤬!!!!! west bAd grrrgghhhg japenis culture⛩🎎🎏 better than amrican🗽🍔👎!!! (>~<) vendor machine eveywhere 🗼and sakura trees are so 🌸 a e s t h e t i c 🌸 UwU if u hate it then your NOT a man of culture so shinē!!! ~hmph baka -_- 🏮
• *jaw drops to floor, eyes pop out of sockets accompanied by trumpets, heart beats out of chest, awooga awooga sound effect, pulls chain on train whistle that has appeared next to head as steam blows out, slams fists on table, rattling any plates, bowls or silverware, whistles loudly, fireworks shoot from top of head, pants loudly as tongue hangs out of mouth, wipes comically large bead of sweat from forehead, clears throat, straightens tie, combs hair* Ahem, you look very lovely.
• Gregory, do you see the small vent on the floor? Have you ever heard of Among Us, Gregory? You need to vent. I know it will be hard for you to be sus, but i know you can do it Gregory.
• 😂G̭̺̙͔̦̖̭E̞̫͙T͕͇😂̩̩̭̗O̝̗̯̖͍͙̬͎U̲͎͕̳͓̱̖̯T̤😂̞̮͓̙O͍͉̥̻̣̺̩̗F͔̜̻͙̥̱ͅ😂̦͖͚͚̺͚M͙Y̘😂͉̝̘̖̮̜H̱̬̲̯E̘̗̥̹͚͕ͅA̠̰̳͇̻̖͇̬D̩͍̩͔̭͓😂͖̹G̻̞̺̬͓̫͙͔E̻̫̙̞T̹̙̹😂̞͙͔̣̪̩O͙̪̹͙͈̪͖̘U͍͚̱͖T̫̫̝̰̝😂̫̤̥̱̖̳̜O͎̼͔͖̥̩F͇̫̳͔̝😂̬͉M͎̙̤̦̰̱͙Y̫̭̜͚̦͈̰😂͈̖̰͎͉H̳̳̬͔͙̲ͅͅE̻͇̹̬̰̜̖̱A͈̜D̜̣͕̫̯̻̝̭😂̰G̠̲͔̻͔̙̯E̯͚̙̘T̙̜͍̳̩̣͕̭😂̠̪̪͎̱O̹̰̺͙̘̪̭̞̱U̻̮͔͈̠ͅT̫͍͖̪̞͚😂͎̖̥͇O͕̩̯̠̹̜͖F̗͉͚͈̤😂̘̠͈̲̦͉̠M̝͈̰̥̹̗̯ͅY̻͕̳͔̠̟̼̙̣😂̜̗̩̼͓͖H̪͍̞͓̟̠̼̻E̥̰͕̳̣͉̪̭A͔D̗̮😂͔̜̜͙̤̹̩G̗̤͙̩̤̳E̜̗̥̼̲̺T̫͇̞̺̞😂̭̩̦̹̹̭O̭̯͉̫͎̻̮U̮͇͇͔̗T̞̭̦̼̗̹😂̜̪͖͍O̰͓͎̘̜̙͕F̞̝̖😂̩̟͖̭͍̦M̺̖̙̺Y͙̫̤̺̠̰😂̞̫̩H̖̤͍̣͔̟ͅE̞̹̞̗̭̳Ḁ̗͚͔͖D͓͇̱͍̖͙ͅ😂͈̳G̟̫̣͎̞͖͔͇Ẹ̘̦̭ͅT̩̻͎̹͓̭😂̺̦̞͔̫̟O̫U̪̪̩T͉̻̰͎̙̹̣̯😂͍̲̰̟O̞̬͚̻̞̹̪̳ͅF͚͓̤͓͕̱͖😂̦̟̣̖͇̦͕̞M͍̬͚̠̪̙Y̖̮̟̜̗̻̺😂̪H̬̝̬̼̫̺̗̦E͈̱A͈̗̜͚̭̱͇̙ͅD̳̻

• Hey👋 ladies💁‍♀️ 📷 Would 😍 you 👈 like 👍 to 2️⃣ get 😮 rich 💰💰💰 by running 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ your 👈 own business 👩‍💼💼 from home 🏡 with just ☝ your phone? 📱🤳 Well 🤷‍♀️ you can’t. 😂 Get 👏 a 👏 real 👏 job 👏
• Jeff Bezos has 121 BILLION dollars. The population of earth is 7 billion people. He could give every person 1 BILLION dollars and end poverty, and he would still have 114 billion dollars left over but he would do it. This is what capitalist greed looks like!
• I 👆 don’t 🙅‍♂️ want your snapchat 👻 I want 👅 💦 you 😍 to snap 🙇‍♂️ my neck 💀🤠👌
• My fellow Americans, due to the overwhelming amount of black squares teenage girls are posting on Instagram, the supreme court has decided to end racism completely. We did not think you would go to such extreme measures but you have very much proved your point. The military will be told to stand down. Thank you.
• If you ask Rick Astley for a copy of the movie “UP”, he cannot give you it as he can never give you up. But, by doing that, he is letting you down, and thus, is creating something known as the Astley Paradox.
• Give it up folks, einstein over here has something to say. What’s that buddy? Wha- A grammatical error?!? WHAT?!? B… Bu… That can’t be possible! Surely not! A GRAMMAR MISTAKE? IN MY SIGHT?!? What a great, absolute miracle that you and your 257 IQ Brain were here to correct it! Thank you! Have my gratitude, Actually, What’s your cash app? I’d like to give you 20$… Know what? While we’re at it have the keys to my car. Actually, no, scratch that. Have the keys to my house, go watch my kids grow up. Also, my Paypal username and password are Ilikesmartazzes4 and 968386329. Go have fun. Thank you for your work.
• I’m Blue – da ba dee da ba dye, da ba dee da ba dye Da ba dee da ba dye, da ba dee da ba dye Da ba dee da ba dye, da ba dee da ba dye Da ba dee da ba dye
• Stop 🛑 making 🛑 copypastas 🛑 like 🛑 this 🛑 it’s 🛑 low 🛑 effort 🛑 and 🛑 annoying
• Ok. I like you, because of your personality. Sure, people just think of you not as a woman, but I do. They judge books by their cover too much. They never tried to talk to you or anything, did they. They just thought “oh my, this girl’s weird. I’m not gonna talk to her; she sounds like a man”. Is that what they think about you?
• The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
• On the 😳outside 😂I skrrt😤💯 skrrt 🅱️ut ☝️😳on the inside 🥺I hurt 😔😥hurt 😥💦
• I’m Rick Harrison, and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Big Hoss. Everything in here has a story and a price. One thing I’ve learned after 21 years – you never know WHAT is gonna come through that door.
• Let’s say, hypothetically, I am a barbie girl. Okay let’s even say I’m in a barbie world. Right so, in this scenario, I would obviously know from personal experience that life in plastic is fantastic. Wouldn’t it be reasonable to assume you could brush my hair and undress me literally everywhere? Imagination; you can derive from the fundamentals of basic logic that life is your creation.
• Like the word ばか that means idiot in japanese, but the wannabe Japanese idiots will always try to type those words in the romaji, they type “baka”. I hate it when people do that, stop trying to talk japanese if you don’t even know it.
• I must give you my greatest apology. I never meant it to go this far. When I started these shenanigans, I imagined nothing of such a serious matter. I didn’t mean to harm your dignity, respect, or honor. But, now that’s it’s gone this far, I can only do one thing; apologize. So, from the bottom of my intellect, family, pride, and dogs, I give you my strongest and hardiest apology. I hope you could forgive me one day.

• ɴᴏᴡ ᴘʟᴀʏɪɴɢ: Who asked (Feat: No one) ───────────⚪────── ◄◄⠀▐▐ ⠀►► 5:12/ 7:𝟻𝟼 ───○ 🔊⠀ ᴴᴰ ⚙️
• Musk poured $44 billion into Twitter. The global population is 8 billion people. He could have given $5 billion to each individual and still had money left over. Most people’s lives would be changed if they received a $5 billion check. But he squandered it all on Twitter.
• I just punched a hole in my wall. I’m in tears. I’m not joking I’m actually freaking out right now. I feel like this is the angriest I’ve been in my life. I’m praying right now that this last year is a dream I’ll wake up from. Is there a way we can sue Naughty Dog for false advertising and maybe even vandalism of a work of art?
• If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help. Follow the dog and you’ll get a free purse or wallet.
• T-pose! Sorry, I was just asserting my dominance… So you’re new here, right? Heh, I’ve noticed you’re a bit small there, you’re a little bit of a quiet potato. Me, I’m a big Chungus as you can see. Yeah, I’m in the band, uh, I play the trumpet. Yeah and maybe a little bit of trombone, y’know? If I’m feeling it, yeah? Do you go on Reddit? Do you like Rick and Morty? Me too! Do you watch callmecarson?
• A few years ago, we would never have supported [minority group], but now that it’s publicly acceptable and profitable to do so, we love you! Back when [minority group]’s rights weren’t socially accepted, we never would have hired or supported you, but now we love you! Our brand totally really pinky promise to care about you, and 100% aren’t a soulless corporation trying to make a profit from your social movement. Remember to buy our products, as much as you possibly can, in order to support us!
• I’m so sick of all these people who think they’re gamers. No, you’re not. Most of you are not even close to being gamers. I see these people saying “I put well over 100hrs in this game and it’s great!” That’s nothing, most of us can easily put 300+ in all of our games. I see people who only have the Nintendo switch and claim to be gamers. Come talk to me when you pick up a PS4 controller then we’ll be friends.
• Writing’s not easy. That’s why Grammarly can help. This sentence is grammatically correct, but it’s wordy, and hard to read. It undermines the writer’s message and the word choice is bland. Grammarly’s cutting edge technology helps you craft compelling, understandable writing that makes an impact on your reader. Much better. Are you ready to give it a try? Installation is simple and free. Visit Grammarly.com today!

• Hello, my name is Mohammed bin Salman the prince of Saudi Arabia who lives in palace on Mirage. The past few weeks some homeless person has been coming into my house and sitting on my couch. He told me his name was “Jame” and he was “saving.” Can someone tell me what this means?
• Hi PGL, it’s me, your only viewer. For months I have created the illusion that you are streaming to a large audience. But here’s the truth: all these people in the chat are me. And now, for you to be convinced of this, I will send this message from all my accounts.
• OCEAN MAN 🌊 😍 Take me by the hand ✋ lead me to the land that you understand 🙌 🌊 OCEAN MAN 🌊 😍 The voyage 🚲 to the corner of the 🌎 globe is a real trip 👌 🌊 OCEAN MAN 🌊 😍 The crust of a tan man 👳 imbibed by the sand 👍 Soaking up the 💦 thirst of the land 💯
• Hello future pros, here’s another tip for y’all out there. You can hide Twitch chat for an instant increase in IQ and for a better viewing experience! Good luck and have fun!
• Hello my name is Jane, I live in Overpass, recently I was gardening some tomato plants, but random people have been ruining my gardening recently by shooting and detonating C4. In the process I lost all my plants and I am struggling finanicially please help me rebuild my garden.
• Hello, Twitch chatter. In case you couldn’t smell me through the screen, I am a player of the game Valorant. Can you explain what is currently happening? The lack of magical Asian people and awful mechanics is making it hard to learn.
• Please DO NOT buy the BTS meal if you don’t stan them. You’re preventing the actual BTS fans who have waited for months from having the BTS meal experience. Eating the sauces without understanding their significance is literally cultural appropriation and it’s not okay.
• Babe, I’m breaking up with you. it’s not you, you were poggers. It’s me, I’m omegalul. I’m sorry if this is pepehands but it has to be done, I’ve just been feeling pepega and our relationship has been weirdchamp for months, it’s time to end it, no kappa.
• Copypasta jokes are not funny. It’s annoying and incredibly irritating to me when I say something in chat because I would enjoy actual responses and I instead get my own words thrown back at me. Please don’t just copy my messages and be original! Thank you!
• My female friend was crying about how fat she was and I was trying to comfort her by telling her that she didn’t look that fat but she kept accusing me of lying to make her feel bad so I thought that saying “maybe your just a heckin chonker” would cheer her up and lighten the mood but she just looked at me and left. I hope she realized that I was only being nice and that she is being irrational.
• A NUCLEAR REACTOR HAS EXPLODED IN LEGO CITY. START THE EMERGENCY HELICOPTERS. HEY. BUILD THE HELICOPTERS, THROW BORON INTO THE REACTOR AND STOP THE DISASTER. THE NEW CHORNOBYL COLLECTION FROM LEGO CITY.
• Hang on guys, I need to sneeze😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😳🤧 ‘scuse me.
•  So here I was enjoying my favorite food (pizza) and watching your stream having a good time when it started to taste funny. It turns out you were being super salty and now have ruined my pizza. Are you going to pay for another pizza or will I have to call the cops? This is serious.
• TSM aka “Truly Somewhat Mediocre” is a North American team that consistently underperforms in all international tournaments. It is specifically known for having a weak early, mid, and late-game.
• ✌️ AYAYA 🌸 CUTE CHAT ✌️ AYAYA 🌸 ✌️ AYAYA 🌸 CUTE CHAT ✌️ AYAYA 🌸 ✌️ AYAYA 🌸 CUTE CHAT ✌️ AYAYA 🌸 ✌️ AYAYA 🌸 CUTE CHAT ✌️ AYAYA 🌸 ✌️ AYAYA 🌸

Copypastas are not for everyone as some people find them annoying.

It’s not surprising because they can take over an entire Twitch chat.

The copypastas in this list were taken all around the internet.

This includes Reddit, Twitch, Discord, Twitter, and more.

If you found a copypasta that you like, feel free to copy and paste it.

Anyhow, the purpose of a copypasta is for it to spread like wildfire.

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About the author.

Lim How Wei

Lim How Wei is the founder of followchain.org, with 8+ years of experience in Social Media Marketing and 4+ years of experience as an active investor in stocks and cryptocurrencies. He has researched, tested, and written thousands of articles ranging from social media platforms to messaging apps.

Lim has been quoted and referenced by major publications and media companies like WikiHow, Fast Company, HuffPost, Vice, New York Post, The Conversation, and many others. One of his articles about the gig economy was quoted by Joe Rogan who hosts The Joe Rogan Experience (arguably the most popular podcast in the world), in the This Past Weekend podcast by Theo Von.

In his free time, Lim plays multiple games like Genshin Impact, League of Legends, Counter-Strike, Hearthstone, RuneScape, and many others. He creates guides, walkthroughs, solutions, and more on games that he plays to help other players with their progression.

Word Play • Beta

Insult generator, popular keywords.

Total Results

No Tools Found

Step 1 : Fill out the fields to the best of your ability. You can include as little or as much detail as you would like.

Step 2 : Submit your answers and your custom insult should appear above after a few seconds. Need another? Submit it again.

Step 3 : When you have discovered the perfect insult, copy and paste it wherever you want! Be sure to proofread for accuracy and edit to make it your own.

Getting Started with the Insult Generator

So, you wish to sprinkle a bit of Shakespearean spice onto your banter, or maybe you’re just looking to add some zest to your jests. Either way, the Insult Generator is your go-to for a jab well done. Let’s navigate this tool with the finesse of a fencer and the wit of a wordsmith.

Who or What Are You Insulting?

First and foremost, you’ll need a target. Not to worry, I’m sure you have a rich tapestry of friends, family, or fan-bases ripe for a harmless ribbing. Enter the subject of your roast in this field. Be it “Bob from Accounting” or “Fans of pineapple pizza,” the choice is yours. Just remember, with great roasting power comes great responsibility.

What About Them?

Ah, the meat of the matter. This is where you can be specific about the characteristic that’s begging for a clever quip. “They smell like eggs,” you say? A classic, indeed. But feel free to get creative. The more unique the trait, the more tailored—and devastating—the insult.

Choosing Your Style

The dropdown menu labeled “Style” is where you define the flavor of your verbal volley. Are you going for a vintage vitriol or a modern mockery? Selecting the style sets the tone, and while you’re at it, why not match the era of your insult with your outfit for the day?

Generate Your Insult

Once you’ve filled in the necessary details, the “Generate an Insult” button awaits your confident click. This is the moment of truth. Prepare to unveil an insult so sharp, it could slice a tomato by merely looking at it.

Final Thoughts

Remember, the goal here is laughter, not lament. Use this tool to entertain and engage, not to harm. After all, the true art of insult is not in the words themselves, but in the shared mirth they bring when the jest is just right. Now go forth, you silver-tongued rogue, and let the banter begin!

How did this tool work for you? How can we make it better?   Please send us your feedback by using the form below and include as many details as you can. 

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Announcing DocuTyper: Just Like Hacker Typer But For Essays

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Hilarious comedic essays written by clean professional stand up comedian & former late-night TV comedy writer Shaun Eli

The downside of contracts.

I believe in contracts. They exist to protect parties in a transaction and to cover contingencies that people may not have considered. But… here’s what I have to say about a recent transaction:

OMG this was crazy. I’m a stand-up comedian. I’ve been working with the same contract template for over fifteen years and I’ve never had anything like this happen before.

My contract was written by an entertainment lawyer with specific instructions NOT to make it one-sided. I wanted a reasonable, easy-to-read contract that people would sign without fighting about anything.

A few attorneys have had comments over the years and I’ve adopted some of their changes to make it even fairer. Almost all clients- theatres, corporations, charities, private groups, even law firms- just sign it as-is.

Until a corporate client gave it to their in-house attorney. A corporate lawyer, not an entertainment lawyer.

She made so many changes there was more red than black on the screen.

My first thought was- this isn’t worth the hassle, I should just tell them to get lost. But then I thought- let me give it one try to get them back to reality.

Here’s what I wrote: This is a small dollar contract, not a billion dollar merger. I’m not a first year associate bringing a first draft to a partner who wants to show me how it should’ve been done. I’m also not opposing counsel. I’m a service provider to your company. I present a nice, simple agreement, that anyone can understand, that doesn’t require a ton of discussion, and your lawyer treats it like the first draft of the Constitution. I’ve been using this contract in one form or another for over fifteen years and nobody has redlined it that much. Almost everybody- from theatres to corporations to charities, signs it as-as. Just by way of example: 

I say You and she changes it to (your corporate name) when it’s clear who You are? Changes Performer to Show and adds ‘collectively the Show’

Changes 12 PM to 12:00 PM

I call it show date and time and she separates date and time into separately-defined terms? Is that really necessary? She added that payments have to be made in U.S. dollars- I don’t even have that in my contract- I’m not really worried somebody’s going to say “Ha, sucker, you didn’t specify ‘lawful currency of the United States of America’ so I’m paying you in Canadian dollars or with this souvenir Zimbabwe trillion dollar bill.”

Did she expect me to ask for payment in bitcoin, gold, kilowatt hours or goats? I think that everybody knows what a dollar is. It’s the same dollar in NY, NJ and PA. Even in Kentucky.

She changes ‘my introduction’ to ‘performer introduction’ in the header to a clause. And more stuff like that.

Come on. Is all this really necessary?

What happened? The lawyer’s boss called me with some minor changes- stuff like they can’t provide a testimonial because it’s against corporate policy, and a couple of other small changes. I was fine with it.

Turned out to be one of the best Zoom shows I’ve done. And it almost didn’t happen, because some stupid lawyer thought she was protecting her client when she was actually really poorly representing them.

I don’t dislike lawyers. We need lawyers. But we don’t need bad lawyers that create unnecessary obstacles.

Trump didn’t lose. He just came in second.

(this was written prior to the assault on the Capitol)

You didn’t lose, Mr. President. You came in second in the finals. You know who didn’t even make the finals? Everyone else. You beat all of them. Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Pete What’sHisName, even that other New York billionaire. He may be richer but you’re much taller and you’ve had way more wives than he has. He may have been mayor of New York for three terms but he pretty much had to buy his way into that job. You know who else was a three-term mayor of NYC? Fiorello La Guardia. He’s got an airport named after him. There’s no Bloomberg Airport, and Mike’s even got a pilot’s license and flies his own planes. Not even smart enough to delegate that. He probably also drives a taxi when no one’s looking. Loser.

Don’t let people call YOU a loser. You beat Kamala Harris. She lost the primary and even though she won the election she still only gets to be Vice president. You are the president.

Mr. President, you got to be president of the United States. That’s a rare honor. In over 240 years only 44 other people have done that. And some didn’t even win the election- they inherited the job. I don’t need to tell you about inheritance; you’re an expert.

You even beat Tulsi Gabbard, and she’s from Hawaii. Everybody knows that Hawaii’s the coolest state. That’s the only reason Obama was popular- because of cool. Nobody voted for him because of his Ivy League education or his basketball skills and certainly not because he’s still on his first wife. One wife? That’s just laziness.

So you did it for only four years. History judges the success of a president by his tax cuts, not by how long he was in office. FDR (the president, not the highway near your apartment) served four terms, but that doesn’t mean he was the best. JFK (again, the president, not the airport I’m sure they’ll rename after you very, very soon) died before finishing his first term. That doesn’t make him a bad president.

You were such a productive president you managed to find time to watch TV and tweet. You know who else was a one-term president, and didn’t have any time to watch TV or tweet? Abraham Lincoln.

Mr. President, you won a silver medal. That’s not a participation trophy. You came in second. You know who else came in second? Rocky Balboa. He’s still the hero, not the guy who beat him. In “The Godfather” Michael Corleone was the black sheep of the family. They thought he was a moron for enlisting in the Marines. To protect strangers instead of his family? He only got to be head of the family because his father and brother died. He didn’t win any elections. You did. And unlike Eisenhower and even George Washington, you didn’t have to be a war hero to become president. You just built great big buildings and put your name all over them. How cool is that?

Mr. President, you love golf but it’s your hobby, not your profession. I’m sure you’d be thrilled to come in second in the Masters, right? You ran saying you’re not a politician. You came in second to a politician with 47 years of experience. That’s a win right there, don’t you think?

Bruce Springsteen’s great album “Born to Run” never made it higher than third in the Billboard charts. You won an election for president of the United States. Most countries don’t even have a president. England doesn’t have a president. Canada doesn’t. Saudi Arabia doesn’t. Russia does, but even their leader, your friend Vladimir Putin, had to step down and then run again and he’s in his fourth term now.

E.T. never won Best Picture. Not even once. Neither did “The Social Network,” a film about a very, very rich man. It lost to “The King’s Speech,” a movie about a leader who stuttered. Facebook’s still popular but there’s no more King of England, is there?

Olympic athletes train up to 12 hours a day for 20 or 30 years just to make their national team. Only one wins. Only one comes in second. You didn’t even train for this- you spent the last year just golfing, watching television and tweeting and you still finished in the top two!

In 1999, America’s last good year, “Saving Private Ryan” lost the Oscar to “Shakespeare in Love.” That’s a crime, but there wasn’t any indictment. So relax. You’ll be fine too.

Mr. President, The New York Yankees, by far the most successful baseball franchise, never won a single Super Bowl. Not one. And they probably never will.

So you didn’t win this time. As every New York Mets fan says almost every autumn, there’s always next year. Maybe you can run again in 2021. Or at least walk. We all know you don’t actually ever run.

Vladimir Putin’s Okcupid Profile

Vladimir, 38 Moscow

My self-summary I am judo champion and ruler of the world. Other world leaders cower at the thought of my power over them. I am supreme at getting others to bend at my will.

I also like playing with kittens.

Straight, Man, Married, Polygamous Uses Oh/Emy pronouns 6’2″, Very physically fit White, politically absolutely always right, speaks Russian, German, English, the language of love. Leader of Russia and the rest of the world by the power of my might. Graduate degree. Russian Orthodox. Doesn’t smoke cigarettes, Drinks often, Never smokes marijuana, Omnivore and devours his enemies.

What I’m doing with my life Running the world. Saving the planet from democracy and liberalism. Building the most powerful army, navy and air force the world has ever known. Learning to speak Swedish. Getting ‘massages’ from 25 year olds. Kicking America’s ass.

I’m really good at Getting others to bend to my will, convincing Donald Trump to do what I say no matter how stupid (can you believe he really thinks he should be on Mount Rushmore? We got a big laugh out of that down at the steam baths). Judo. Cooking salmon. Poisoning my enemies.

The first thing people notice about me My immense presence and full head of hair.

Six things I could never do without Nuclear weapons, playing Donald Trump like a puppet, vodka, borscht, the fact that I make the rules so I don’t have to limit myself to six items. I also bring fifty items to the ten-items-or-less line in the supermarket. What’s anybody gonna do about it? Also the love of beautiful women, sable coats and the Super Bowl ring I stole a few years ago.

I spend a lot of time thinking about Which planet I want to dominate next.

On a typical Friday night I am In charge of everything.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit Duh, I used to run the KGB, you think I’d answer this question? Especially after compiling everyone else’s answers into our database.

Coronavirus Yelp reviews

Three stars 15 Reviews

$$$ A new viral disease Open 24 hours

John, Texas Three stars I think this whole thing is a hoax. I don’t doubt there’s a virus going around but the cold and flu go around every year and we don’t shut the country down.

Martha, New York One star God it was awful. I was sick for two weeks and am still tired two months later. We have to close this thing down. Comment from the owner All you’re saying is that I’m doing my job. That should be a five star review. Please don’t come back.

Peter, New Jersey Two stars It was the most sick I’ve ever been. I was sick for three weeks but I hate my boss and I had enough accumulated sick days. Plus, it came during our busy period at work. Ha! And I lost eleven pounds. So not a total waste.

Horatio, Florida Five stars It killed my mother-in-law. She can’t drop in anymore unexpectedly and we inherited her Lexus.

Karen, New York Two stars It’s a terrible disease and I’m really sorry people are dying but at least it’s been taking my name out of the news for a while.

Peter, Nebraska Two stars I didn’t suffer much but I did lose my sense of smell and taste. Which is a plus given my wife’s cooking.

Margaret, Nebraska Four stars My husband was home from work. He cleaned out the basement and has stopped complaining about my cooking.

Donald, Florida Five stars We’re doing a great job with this. My five star rating is of me, not the virus. Coronavirus numbers are looking MUCH better, going down almost everywhere, and cases are coming way down.

Melania, Florida Four stars I don’t really care, do you? At least this means I will be able to move back to NYC in January and finally get that divorce thing started before my husband spends all our money on lawyers.

Ted, China Five stars Sure, a lot of people got sick but my company makes masks and sales are way up.

Maybelline, New York One star Our lipstick sales are way, way down.

Steve, Illinois One star I’ve never been sicker. My uncle died. Nothing funny about this virus. Comment from the owner Well, late-night TV shows have written a lot of jokes about me. I laughed at some of them.

Victoria, Florida Five stars America is number one yet again!

Mario, New York One star This is the worst thing that’s happened to our country since World War II. Worse than 9/11 by far. And our president is doing nothing to help. My daughters are here and it’s Sunday so I have to go make meatballs even though they won’t eat them.

AirlineExec, Georgia Two stars Business is way down at my company but at least the government gave us a ton of money that we needed because we blew a decade’s worth of profits on stock buy-backs and hookers.

I sent a pitch for our TV pilot “The Ivy League of Comedy” to a TV network. Here’s how I answered their stupid response .

I wrote to the Director of Development (the person who looks for new shows). I got a response from their legal department. Standard “we don’t look at unsolicited submissions” language? Not exactly. Their response claimed that they own all rights to anything submitted to them including intellectual property, trade secrets, logos, etc. and that they don’t have to pay anything for it. Clearly this is nonsense. You can’t unilaterally declare that something belongs to you. It was 490 words of baseless legal claims.

So how does a comedian respond? Like this:

Dear Ms.     :

I understand the ‘no unsolicited submissions’ policy.

But the fine print in your response claims that you now own all rights to what I sent. That is so patently false that it merits a reply.

So I will reply in kind. Because the only thing less appealing than arguing with an attorney is arguing with a comedy writer.

Here is an example of the last time I got a letter from an attorney: When I applied for the trademark on “Brain Champagne” I received a letter from the French Government instructing me to withdraw my application, lest someone confuse my jokes with their wine. I answered the only way a comedian should. My response is here: https://brainchampagne.com/comedy/brainchampagnetrademarkletter.pdf

My response to you: If you respond to this email, read it, or even receive it then I own everything your company and its employees, parent companies, affiliates, subsidiaries and related entities have ever owned, borrowed, produced, carried, forwarded, rented, touched, seen or thought about, including but not limited to bank and financial accounts, real estate, clothing, jewelry and vehicles, without any ensuing liabilities. I also own all your thoughts and ideas, and your dogs and cats. If you own any snakes or tigers please keep them. I also own all your Oxford commas even though I have no use for them.

I am writing this in large type because I also now own all your reading glasses.

My original solicitation also included references to the national debt, so now you own that too. You also now own any of my present and future mental issues and of course my co-pays.

This email is also copyright 2020 by Shaun Eli Breidbart and all rights are reserved. Any sharing, forwarding, retransmission or copying of this email is a violation of my copyright.

Perhaps now we can put all this nonsense behind us and have a productive conversation about working together?

I got a scam email purporting to be from a friend. So I had some fun.

(If you don’t get all the references, well, there’s google. And yes, this really happened, but no, I was not a grandfather at CVS)

Friend (scammer): Can I ask you a favor?

Me: You can ask but if it involves an assassination I’ll need professional guidance. (the friend, by the way, is a retired CIA operations officer and station chief, hence my ‘professional guidance’ comment)

Scammer: AAHAHA Silly you. Good to hear from you, I hope all is well with you? I need to get a Google-play gift card for my niece for her birthday. I am trying to rectify some errors on my account. Can you help me purchase it online on Amazon or get the card locallyfrom [sic] CVS or any other store around you? I promise to refund back when I get it rectified.

Me: I’m in CVS now, coincidentally. What should I do? I’m waiting for some medication which should be ready within the hour.

Scammer: Total amount you need to get is $400, it should be four cards at $100 each and you can send me the pictures of the cards showing the sixteen digits pin at the back of the cards as soon as you open and scratch the cards.

Me: I don’t know what you mean by scratching. I have an itch, that’s why I’m at CVS buying medicine. By the way, how is Yorick? He was such a funny guy- I miss talking to him. How is he doing?

Scammer: He is doing great. All you need to do is open and scratch the cards then take a picture of the cards showing the code you scratched on the cards, let me know when you get it.

Me: So he recovered from the surgery okay? I was worried about his head. As you know I’m not a technology expert- I’m still using a flipphone and don’t know how to use the camera. But once I get home I’m sure my grandson can take pictures and send them to you. He says he does a lot of dick picks or something like that, I think that has to do with photographs and the internet. Or if you want I could call you with the information. I don’t have your number with me so if you want me to call, send me your number. Are you home? I know you travel a lot for work.

Me: My medicine is ready so I’m heading to the register now. Do you still need the gift cards?

Scammer: Yes. let me know when you get it.

Me: At the register. You want a CVS gift card?

Scammer: Google play gift card.

Me: Oh, I bought CVS gift cards. Let me go back into the store and see if I can exchange them. You want 4 $400 cards? You must really love Desmerelda. Is she still continuing with the drum lessons after her recent bout with kuru? I’m glad her brother stopped playing curling. I’ve heard about so many injuries.

Scammer: Okay. Let me know when you get it fixed.

Me: The line got long because they close soon. While I’m waiting how is Demerelda? I asked about her in my previous email. And her brother Claudius, is he okay too? I hope they’re getting along okay. I know that brothers and sisters fight sometimes, even twins.

Scammer: They are both doing good.

Me: I am still amazed that Desmerelda can drum with her feet, since the threshing accident. Too bad there’s no handicapped musical competition like there is a handicapped Olympics. What was the favor you asked about? I forgot.

Me: Oh, the line got too long and I had to get my daughter’s medication to her (mine could wait but she needs to take hers at the same time every day). I can go back tomorrow. Do you still need the gift cards?

Sex, my Yelp Review

Let me start out by saying I wanted to give it 4½ stars but Yelp doesn’t allow that. I don’t think it merits five stars because sometimes it’s messy or requires specialized equipment that I’m not always sure how to use. Frequently it’s a little cramped but it’s never crowded, if that makes any sense. And there’s often a REALLY long wait time. They don’t take reservations.

On the positive side, once it starts it usually ends pretty quickly.

This isn’t my first time having sex but it’s my first review of it. I’ve had it with different people, in different places, even in a few different countries. It’s pretty much the same in different places so my review covers sex in general. I don’t see other reviews of Sex on Yelp so maybe it’s not that common. I guess that makes me an expert!

One minor complaint- sometimes it’s SO hard to find. Especially early in the morning. There are places where you can often find it but they usually don’t open until later in the day, sometimes not until dinnertime. Which isn’t good because I like to go before work.

Parents- note that sex is not child-friendly so the lack of baby-sitting services can be a drawback for people with small children. Yeah, I do see the irony.

My female friends tell me that it usually comes with food but that has not been my experience AT. ALL.

Some people really go for Asian but I don’t have a preference.

The lack of temperature control is also an issue. It’s sometimes way too hot which means a shower afterwards. Fortunately I usually do it without clothing so at least nothing I’m wearing gets sweated up.

I don’t like the lack of a receipt. If I want to come back I’d like a detailed record of the transaction and if something goes wrong I want to be able to contact them again.

I did find that Sex sometimes complains that I’m not listening to their needs but I’m not a mind-reader.

Sorry I didn’t take any pictures for this review- maybe next time. I do plan to be back. But not for at least a few hours.

Comment from Sex Business Owner Thank you for your feedback. We always appreciate hearing from our satisfied customers. I’m sorry you find us so hard to find. We are on the internet as well as all over your neighborhood. Not to brag, but we’re even more popular than Starbucks. I hope that next time we can earn five stars from you.

5 other reviews that are not currently recommended

1 star I was looking forward to it but it was kind of painful. Don’t think I’ll be back.

1 star I came here because of a friend’s recommendation and also I saw it in a movie. But I found it embarrassing and also slightly rude. I felt rushed and pressured to accept things I didn’t want. I will try another place next time. The back of a Honda Fit wasn’t very comfortable.

5 stars I’m a frequent customer. Like good pizza, we don’t have it at home so when I travel to NYC on business I seek it out as much as possible.

3 stars This is a joint review- I wanted to give it four stars but my girlfriend said no, three is more than enough.

3 stars It’s okay, I guess. It’s apparently very popular with politicians.

(the above piece was originally published here: https://www.thesatirist.com/satires/sex-my-yelp-review.html )

My New Zealand Tour, December 2019

In New Zealand. The booker/my opening act is driving me around. The first day he says we’ll be picking up a hitchhiker- but it’s okay, not on the street, she’s from the internet. Sure, that makes it safer, I say sarcastically. He said don’t worry, I do this all the time, there’s a facebook page for people looking for rides. And she’s legitimate because her facebook profile has been around for five years. I say no, that’s the facebook profile she stole from her last victim. Turns out she’s a 20 year old backpacker from Poland, visiting NZ and Japan. We’re heading back to Christchurch for our final show. After two days of not saying anything she speaks up: “My friend just texted me- all the bridges are closed.” Flooding across a river has closed every single bridge across it. The south half of the south island is cut off from the north half. And we’re on the wrong side for tonight’s show. Plus I’m scheduled to fly to Australia the next day. Prepaid, non-refundable, business class ticket. No way to get to Australia from there affordably or timely and no scheduled flights to get to Chch in time for my flight. We were in the flooded area two days ago so we know it’s only getting worse. We’re stuck and every hotel we called was booked because we’re not the only ones stuck and it’s the beginning of summer there. I say I have an idea, pull over. What are you doing? I’m googling flight schools. Why? Because we don’t need an airline, we just need a guy with a plane. We find a guy with a Cessna 185 (six seat piston single). And he’s bringing people from Chch to a tiny airport near us, they’re presumably stuck like us but on the other side of the river. We go to the airport and wait. He calls us back, it’s too windy to take off. Maybe in a few hours. But I check the aviation weather and it’s going to get worse. We walk to a small building across the field. I ask to charter a flight to Christchurch. They say sorry, they’re a flying club, they’re not licensed for chartering I ask if they do flight instruction. They do. I say I’m an American pilot and I need to brush up on my skills and learn about flying in NZ, including landing at some of their larger airports, like Christchurch. He says that’ll work. But it’s too windy for their small planes (4 seat piston single engines). Wait, there’s a guy coming in with a Seneca (a six seat twin engine). No room for us because it’s booked but maybe he can do another trip. He lands, we ask, sure, he’ll drop them off, come back for us. We flew in the wind and my opening act complained it wasn’t bumpy enough. The show must go on. And it did. My opening act told the audience about our adventures. I said “I hope you all like this show because God herself tried to stop us from getting here.”

The Credit Crisis

Explained by shaun eli, wall street comedian.

Exaggeration and misdirection are common tools used by stand-up comedians. They’re also being used to wrongly explain the credit crisis. And with much less humor.

An example of exaggeration? “The FAA raised the retirement age for pilots from 60 to 65… now your pilot and your meal can be the same age.” Or “Microsoft founder Bill Gates was knighted by the Queen of England. It’s part of a deal they made— she gave him a knighthood and in return he promised to abandon his plan to buy Scotland.”

The media refers to some vast, evil, unregulated $50 trillion credit default swap market. Here’s where exaggeration comes in. The ‘notional’ amount of the market might be $50 trillion.

That’s a meaningless number but it’s a huge number and we like big numbers in this country. That’s why everybody knows what the (roughly at 9,000) Dow Jones Industrial Average is, but few have even heard of the much more meaningful (roughly at 900) S&P 500 Index.  To explain the meaning of ‘notional’ consider my homeowners insurance.  I pay $700 to insure a $300,000 house.  That’s a $700 transaction.  I pay them $700 and nothing else happens.  It’s not a $300,000 transaction.  Sure, if my house burns down then they pay me $300,000 but if you want to count that way then you have to include all the houses that didn’t burn down.  At zero.

Guess what?  If you add up all the fire damage, and divide by the total number of customers (burned down and not), what do you get?  A number very near $700 per policy.  The actual economic value of the CDS market is probably more like $100 billion and even that ignores the fact that the same piece of paper probably trades back and forth a dozen times, so the actual risk is less than a tenth of that number.  But fifty trillion sounds scary.  Ten billion, not so much.  That’s Bill Gates only up to the knees.  Not enough to buy even the cold half of Scotland.

Be they currency swaps, loans or credit default swaps, trades between banks aren’t regulated.  And they shouldn’t be.  Are default swaps insurance?  Economically, yes.  But that doesn’t mean they should be regulated.  Insurance is regulated to prevent Allstate from taking advantage of Steve when he buys car insurance.  Not to prevent Goldman, Sachs from taking advantage of Citibank, both of which employ a large number of attorneys, traders and math & statistics PhDs.  Far more, by the way, than the New York State Insurance Department.  Many years ago when I created the first double-derivative CDS contract on Wall Street (a credit default swap based on the value of a cross-currency interest rate swap, if you must know) we all understood the deal.  If a particular retailer defaulted on its debt we would pay a major investment bank the value of the swap, because that was the risk to their counterparty which they wished to hedge.  No big surprise for anybody.

So I’ve explained that the vast, evil, unregulated $50 trillion CDS market isn’t vast or $50 trillion or regulated, but of course it’s evil.  Whenever smart people make lots of money doing stuff we don’t understand, that’s evil.  We’d much rather pay people millions for hitting a ball very far or singing about whatever it is teen idols sing about these days.  We may not be able to hit a ball very far or sing very well but at least we understand.

And now, some misdirection.  “A new study says that men and women differ in their eating habits. Women prefer fruits, vegetables, eggs and yogurt and men want to get the meal over with so they can have sex.”  And “The DEA announced that New Jersey’s heroin is the strongest in the country, it’s 71% pure.  That’s got to be a little embarrassing, isn’t it?  When your heroin is cleaner than your drinking water!”

So where did all the money go?  If you got a subprime mortgage and you’re making the payments it went to you– you got a loan and a house you couldn’t have gotten without the subprime market.  If you got a zero-down loan but were later evicted from your new house for non-payment it still went to you and you benefitted although it might not feel that way back in an apartment.  If you have a low rate on your credit card that’s because some Wall Street executives figured out how to package your loan with others and sell them.  That’s how you got your big-screen TV on which to watch stories about the value of your new house plummeting.  But that’s okay, come baseball season you can always switch the channel and watch a guy hit a ball very far.  Although by then you may be watching it back in your old apartment.

Did some of the money go to Wall Street executives?  Sure.  And I’m okay with that… as long as they buy tickets to my show.

  Oh, Canada!

Canadian stand-up comedian Guy Earle is being investigated by the British Columbia Human Rights Tribunal for making allegedly anti-lesbian comments from a comedy club stage in response to hecklers who interrupted his routine.

The story received almost no press in America. Nor even in Ontario. Maybe Torontonians think of B.C. the way we New Yorkers think of all the other states: remote places lacking people. But British Columbia isn’t Vegas– what happens in B.C. doesn’t stay in B.C. And in this case a dangerous precedent is being set, one that could set back the cause of free speech over two hundred years.

A little background… the very concept of Freedom of Speech originated in Eastchester, NY. In 1735 a journalist named John Peter Zenger published a criticism of New York’s governor William Cosby. Zenger was arrested and charged with seditious libel… and found not guilty because his attorney questioned the law rather than the facts, and truth was found to be an absolute defense against libel. Leading to the First Amendment’s guarantees of free speech and freedom of the press. It also led to a sign in Eastchester stating “Eastchester, NY, Home of the Bill of Rights.” For a number of years an even larger sign was attached to the same signpost, stating “Home of the Little League World Champions” because after 200 years America may take freedom for granted, but not baseball. Apparently Canada has a different attitude. Not to take freedom for granted, but to take away the grant of freedom.

Canada, you used to be the rational, middle child of North America, not as greedy or driven but seemingly happier and much more well-adjusted. You were like the smart girl with glasses; we didn’t want to date you but we were privately envious and we suspected that underneath the heavy winter clothes and the glasses, if you let down your hair you were secretly lovely and loads of fun. We looked up to you the way we admired Einstein, Lennon and, until recently, Woody Allen. A little bit eccentric maybe, though admirable. But no more. If you prosecute comedians for defending themselves on stage, in fact for making fun of people in general, we can no longer be friends. At least not after you’re finished helping us find Bin Laden. We’re upset, but we’re not stupid. We’re America, remember? Fair-weather friends. Just like the French, only fatter and with fewer Eiffel Towers.

Prosecuting people for making jokes? In America we don’t take our own government seriously but we never thought of your country as a joke. Now it’s just a matter of time before we start sending your entertainers back. Martin Short, Alan Thicke, maybe even David Steinberg. But we’re keeping Pamela Anderson; after all, we ARE greedy, selfish, superficial, over-sexed Americans. Michael J. Fox can stay too. And while we’re at it, you get American pharmaceuticals cheaper than we do, so could we please have some more oil? Seems only fair.

Canada, we’re truly sorry we took all your hockey teams. Would it make you feel better if we also took Quebec? We’ll have them speaking Spanish in no time.

We do love your country. When we’re in Europe and we’re confronted and forced to defend America we always have the option of turning chicken and saying “Oh, we’re Canadian” to make all the trouble go away and get the free drinks flowing. We’re jealous of that kind of respect.

Canada, we long for the good old days. Not only was your money worth less than ours but it was also way more fun to look at. And even as your quarters clogged our soda machines we liked your beer better, though most of us wouldn’t admit it. But a Bill of Rights? Something Canada lacks? As Jay Leno said in a joke I wrote for him that has been repeatedly quoted and emailed, about the Iraqi need for a Constitution: Why don’t they just take ours? It’s suited us well for over 200 years, it was written by some very smart men, and WE’RE not using it anymore.

My friends, I offer a fair compromise. There’s no copyright notice on our Constitution. We’d be happy to share it with you and we even promise not to make any Fifty First State jokes. Feel free to adopt our freedoms guaranteed by the First Amendment. Free Speech, Freedom of the Press, Freedom of Religion, and the two rights everyone forgets about when quoting the First Amendment, Freedom to Petition the Government for a Redress of Grievances and the Right of People Peaceably to Assemble.

Even in comedy clubs. There’s no Constitutional prohibition of a two-drink minimum.

2006 On-line Dates

It seems like I had 2006 of them though I probably met only twenty women on line last year.

I met one woman whose profile said she was 5′ 9″, 37 years old and had never been married.  But somehow in the few days between the time I wrote to her and the time we met for lunch she grew two inches.  Yes, striking a blow for gender equality, a woman lied about her height.  In less than a week she’d also aged a few years and had gotten both married and divorced.  And though I met her on a Jewish dating site, she wasn’t Jewish.  She said she liked Jewish men; I guess I can’t fault her for knowing where to find us.  Maybe she really did have that Ivy League MBA she claimed.

I’ve learned that “My glass is half-full” means “I think I’m an optimist but since I can’t think of any examples I’ll just use a cliche.”  All the half-full glasses on JDate and Match.com made me wonder why so many women were drinking when they filled out their profiles.  Until I looked at the men’s profiles, at which point I understood.

For every extra-large woman who thinks it’s okay to say she’s “firm and toned” it’s refreshing to meet a normal-sized woman who thinks that she has “a few extra pounds.”  “A few” is usually not like “America still has a few allies left in the world;” it’s more like “It will cost you a few dollars to take a taxi from Brooklyn to Canada.”  And apparently proportional means twelve inches in depth for every twelve inches in height.  Yes, 1:1 is a proportion, just like spherical is a shape.  It’s just probably not the shape most of us are looking for.

On-line daters quickly learn that if someone has three attractive photos and one ugly one, the ugly one is the accurate one.  And that photo of you way off in the distance, covered head to toe in ski clothes?  The one that tells us nothing about what you look like?  Oh, it’s there because you ski?  Wouldn’t it be easier just to check the box next to “I like to ski?”  I guess it’s better than just having six photos of you surrounded by shirtless guys all holding bottles of beer.  That tells us something about you– that you think it’s a selling-point that drunken shirtless guys hang around you.  Will they be coming along on our date?  Because I’m not paying for them– I’m sure they can drink a lot in the five minutes it will take me to realize that you’re not my type.

Most women whose profile name is Ashley or Stacy are actually named Jennifer.  Women who speak Russian are from Russia, even if they claim to have grown up in Queens.  They’re also mostly named Svetlana.  At least it’s a welcome break from Jennifer, Jenny, Jen, Jennifer and the occasional Real Stacy.

Women who claim to look like a celebrity or a combination of celebrities never do, unless Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon resemble Phyllis Diller and somehow we all just fail to see it.  Having a similar number of eyes and noses does not constitute a resemblance.

Yes, we know that your family and friends are very important to you– why mention it unless mommy wrote your profile for you?  We’re also not impressed if you brag about having your best friend write your profile because you didn’t know what to say.  Of course your friend thinks you’re sexy, a great catch and a lot of fun– but she never went on a date with you so what makes her the expert?  If you can’t think of what to say about yourself in a pressure-free situation with virtually unlimited writing time you’re probably not going to have much to say on our first date.  I’d probably just end up dating your friend anyway– haven’t we all seen seven or eight versions of this movie?

You’re as comfortable in a cocktail dress and heels as in jeans and sneakers?  Wonderful.  I’ve never met a guy who is as comfortable in a tux as in jeans and a t-shirt.  Even James Bond puts on casual clothes when he’s not trying to seduce the villainess at the baccarat table in Monte Carlo; we just never see him when he’s at home in front of the TV.  I’ve heard he’s partial to “Jeopardy” and “The Simpsons” although that may just be a rumor.  You’ve only two hundred words to summarize yourself– is your love of French fries with mustard really one of your most interesting and unique qualities?  That does tell me something about you– that there really isn’t much about you to tell.

No, signing up for an on-line dating service does not prove you’re adventurous.  Saying that you think it proves you’re adventurous only proves that you’ve never had an actual adventure.  By 2006 most single people have tried on-line dating; it’s about as adventurous as getting a driver’s license or trying artichokes for the first time.  You want adventure? Try riding in a NYC taxi with your eyes closed or dating one of those creepy guys whose emails you can’t delete fast enough.

If your profile says “I am a 34 year old woman…” but the age box says you’re 38 then it’s been at least three years and one day since you’ve even looked at your own profile.  I don’t know what the harm is in proof-reading, but when you say you’re “intelligant” and “an enterpernuer” then at best you’re only one of the two.  If you misspell the name of your occupation please tell me where you work so I can short their stock.  Telling us you’re a sexy, beautiful blonde is a waste of words when we can see the photo above your essay.  The blonde part is apparent; the sexy, beautiful part is ours to judge, although thanks for telling us how hot you think you are.

If in your “perfect match” essay you simply have a long list of what you’re not looking for, it’s a good bet that you can’t find your perfect match because what you’re looking for is something to complain about.  “Thou shalt not” belongs in the Ten Commandments, not on an internet dating site.  This is where you tell us that you’re looking for the guy with mustard for your French fries.

Occasionally I hear from someone’s mother telling me that I’d be perfect for her daughter and “Here’s her phone number, go ahead and call.”  Maybe she’s the perfect woman but you certainly won’t be an ideal mother-in-law.  Besides, for all the times I’ve responded by writing back saying “Here’s my personal email address, why don’t you have your daughter write to me and tell me something about herself?”  I’ve never gotten a response.  Maybe you and your ideal daughter just don’t have the same taste in men.  You probably don’t even have the same taste in mothers.

Go ahead, ladies, email me your side of the story.  You don’t have to worry about my making fun of you on stage.  I don’t talk about on-line dating in any of my stand-up routines, but even if I did, fear not.  The women I won’t go out with would provide me with more than enough material.

My profile is truthful about my age, height, income, occupation and marital status although you may not believe me.  But that’s okay, because I know that my true love Jennifer is right around the corner.  She’s intelligant and enterpernuerial and loves her family and friends.  Oh, and she’s beautiful, too, she looks just like Angelina Jolie… when she’s covered from head to toe by a ski jacket, goggles and a hat.  You’ll have no trouble recognizing me– I’ll be the shirtless guy in our honeymoon photos.

My Internet Searches– an Explanation

Recently AOL posted presumably anonymous information on web searches by some of its customers.  With a little work reporters managed to determine the identity of some of these customers.  Lest they find my searches and report on them before I have a chance to defend myself I wish to explain the purpose of some of my recent internet queries.

First of all, the search I did for herpes medicine side-effects was because I heard another comedian making jokes about it and I wanted to see if they were listed side-effects or if he was speaking from experience.  Similarly, the search I did for Viagra was for a friend of mine.  A platonic friend.

The search for “Gay bars” was a typo.  I meant to search for “Gay 90s bars” because I’m going to a costume party and I wanted to see what other people wore a hundred and ten years ago.  I searched for “Level 3 Sex Offenders” and my address to find out if any lived on my block, not to find out if I’m a sex offender.  I’m pretty sure I’m not.

The search for hair-growth treatments, yeah, that was for me.

I searched for “U.S. Constitution” because I wanted to send President Bush a copy.  Apparently he lost his.  I searched for “Death penalty for home-improvement contractors” for, well, you know.

I did not really believe that there really was such a thing as “Death by chocolate” but I wanted to make sure.  Did I spend several hours last Tuesday night doing internet searches on ex-girlfriends?  Sure, if you’ll believe that Angelina Jolie is one of them, I’ll take credit for the others too.

The research I did on that company’s stock was at Warren Buffett’s request as he’s not that computer-literate.  Which stock?  Um, I forget.

I did not search for naked pictures of Janet Reno.  I have no idea how that could possibly get in there.  Oh, wait, I was looking for a gift for a home-improvement contractor.

Please help us find our missing child!

Our son Shaun Eli has been missing for almost two weeks.  He is our youngest child and we love him very much.  Please help us find him.  He needs our love and support. He was last seen getting into a blue Lexus driven by a Middle-Eastern-looking woman with dark, curly hair.

Here is a photo of him when he was five years old.

It is possible that Shaun was taken captive by the FBI after he told the following joke on stage:

“The White House has reorganized the Environmental Protection Agency. Now, instead of reporting to the president, the head of the EPA reports directly to Exxon.”

We tried to notify Missing Persons but the desk officer refused to take our report, saying he remembered seeing Shaun on stage the previous night and that he was really, really funny. He said that we were probably just jealous since so many other comedians make fun of their parents but Shaun rarely mentions us in his act.

Help us get our son back.  Please forward this email to everyone you know; it takes only seconds and could save a life.  If you forward this email to at least sixteen people, Bill Gates will put your children through college, you will share in the great Nigerian oil fortune, receive a secret $250 cookie recipe, Martha Stewart will cook dinner for you and Oprah, and Al Gore will plant seventy trees on your behalf.

If you spot our son, please contact us and then please take a look at his website (www.BrainChampagne.com) one more time; it contains his biography, jokes he has written for late-night television, and a schedule of his upcoming live performances.  Go see him on stage.  We are very proud of him!  And the next time you’re praying, please say a prayer that Shaun gets onto The Tonight Show so we’ll at least see that he is okay.  And with your help maybe he’ll be home for Thanksgiving.  If he doesn’t have a show that night.

Thank you all so much! -The Loving Parents of Shaun Eli

P.S. Bill Gates dropped out of college, so he won’t pay for your children to go.  The Nigerian oil claim is a hoax.  There is no such thing as a $250 cookie recipe. Martha Stewart is still in jail and Oprah isn’t eating this year.

Last Candidate Standing

New York City 20 January 2004

This evening at 9 PM, while President Bush was delivering his State of the Union address and the seven remaining Democratic presidential candidates were campaigning for the upcoming New Hampshire primary, I was on stage at Stand-Up New York, practicing two three-minute monologues for the next day’s audition for the television comedy/reality show Last Comic Standing 2.

The large number of similarities between the original ten declared Democratic candidates and the ten comedians who will be vying to be The Last Comic Standing struck me as more than a co-incidence.  Each of the two groups of ten was self-chosen from among thousands of politicians nationwide with the ability to raise substantial funding from entities with a vested interest in supporting their success, or, in the case of the comedians, from thousands of comics who could raise the funds to get to one of several cities in which auditions were being held, even if it meant asking our unsupportive parents for help and bearing yet another lecture about why we should be working in our uncle’s office furniture business instead of entertaining people who have meaningful jobs like fighting fires, teaching children or writing imaginative excuses about why the trains were late yet again.

On last summer’s Last Comic Standing the comedians started out friendly but were forced to challenge and then attack each other in order to eliminate their competition one by one.  The Democratic challengers started out friendly, each bashing the Republican candidate then eventually turning on each other when they finally realized that George Bush wasn’t running in the Democratic primary and there could be only one winner, even in a country lacking an accurate way to tally votes.

Presidential aspirants have the Iowa Caucuses and the New Hampshire Primary to narrow down the field, then aspire to winning the Electoral College.  Comedians have showcase clubs in New York City & Los Angeles and aspire to The Tonight Show and Las Vegas.  It really should be the other way around, since comedians frequently talk about their upbringing, do jokes about farm animals and dropping out of college, whereas politicians are well known for… well, let’s just say that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Comedians don’t really want to do commercials but the recognition generated by national exposure can help our careers immensely, not to mention the benefit of remuneration which keeps our landlords from throwing us in the snow.  Similarly, politicians don’t necessarily want to accept campaign contributions from tobacco and oil companies and the NRA, but that’s where money comes from.  It doesn’t grow on trees; it grows on tobacco plants and bubbles up from the ground.  Surprisingly, even the NRA is starting to have financial problems, and that doesn’t bode well for today’s economy.  I mean, if the most heavily-armed private group in the country can’t find money, what hope is there for the rest of us poorly-armed citizens?  The NRA thought about opening a theme restaurant in Times Square, until they realized what a bad combination it would be– heavily armed tourists and fifteen dollar hamburgers.

The selection process for Last Comic Standing 2 is much more fair and pure than the electoral process in this country.  Practicing comedy is free.  The auditions didn’t cost anything either.  And the auditioners don’t hide the fact that their selection process is motivated totally by self-interest– they are interested in ratings, otherwise known as money.  Voters may claim that they want to help the country as a whole, but it is a well-documented observation that they tend to vote their pocketbooks, even the men who don’t carry pocketbooks.  Most Americans carry a balance on their credit cards, and the national debt is over $70,000 per household.  Maybe Mastercard, Visa and American Express should be the ones to vote, since more and more Americans are already voting each month on which bills to pay and which to put off until next month’s bill primary.

Politicians bring pork home to their districts, and starving comics hope to snag some left-over food from comedy club kitchens.  We may ask for a free meal but at least we’re not forcing some guy in North Dakota to pay for our food in New York or for a study of frog-mating habits in Arkansas.  Yet it takes millions of dollars for a political candidate to be taken seriously, even more if he is against war, won’t eat meat or didn’t go to Yale.  Being rich is no proof of intelligence, as was demonstrated in the movie “Indecent Proposal” in which a man paid a million dollars for a night with a woman and didn’t even do it on the night when we set the clocks back.

Furthermore, while rich men have been accused of buying a New Jersey senate seat and the mayoralty of New York City, there has never even been an allegation that any comedian ever bought his way onto Jay Leno’s or David Letterman’s stage, although still not one scientist has been able to explain the success of Carrot-Top.

If Last Comic Standing hadn’t gotten sufficient television ratings there wouldn’t be a Last Comic Standing 2.  And if Dennis Kucinich and Joe Lieberman don’t get enough votes in New Hampshire, we won’t be seeing them on television this summer either.  Furthermore, if voter turnout continues to decline, a presidential candidate could get 100% of the votes and STILL not receive a majority from all eligible voters.  Kind of like my joke about asking when the word “terrorist” lost its middle syllable.  Lots of smiles, but no laughter.  On the bright side, when I thanked them for coming to the club on a cold night instead of staying home and watching TV, explaining that I could say “Nucular” as well as the president, they cracked up.  And to a comedian, a good laugh on stage is like winning the New Hampshire primary.  Without the burdens of having to kiss other people’s children, eat food at every stop and wake up in a strange bed night after night.  On the other hand…

Shaun Eli Breidbart performs stand-up comedy at comedy clubs in New York City, is a free-lance contributing writer to the monologue of America’s top late night talk show host and was the first comedian in New York City to audition for Last Comic Standing 2.

An Open Letter to the Vermont Teddy Bear Company

01/22/2005  Ms. Elizabeth B. Robert  President and Chief Bear Officer  Vermont Teddy Bear Company

Dear Ms. Robert:

Enclosed please find one Ms. Claudette Clawbear, one of my favorite bears.  I am sorry to give her up, but a Vermont Teddy Bear can no longer remain a member of my family after what I read in today’s New York Times.  I’m a Wharton-trained marketing executive and I understand your need to continue to launch new products.  I am a comedian and comedy writer, so I presume you thought it was funny to launch a Crazy For You bear, complete with straitjacket and commitment papers.  But when the governor of your state, the head of your state’s only teaching hospital and several advocates for the mentally ill all asked you to stop selling the bear, and hundreds of people have contacted your company with similar requests, and you simply ignore them all, you lose the respect of this comedy writer.  The mentally ill have enough trouble getting recognized as people with medical problems without your adding to the stigma by trivializing their maladies and reducing them to people who need to be locked up away from society, instead of treated with counseling and medication.  You’d never sell a cancer bear riddled with rotting flesh, or a purple heart bear with missing limbs (I hope not, anyway), so why would you sell a mentally ill bear?  What’s next, suicide bear, complete with pills?  How about drunk driver bear?  Autoerotic asphyxiation bear?  How about a gang-bang bear– what a great marketing idea– people would have to buy the whole set or it would lose its meaning.  Maybe a shoot the president bear, complete with his own sniper rifle?  With the country so divided, you’d probably be able to sell a lot of those.  Please don’t.  Extremely bad taste and teddy bears don’t go together.

My own comedy routine has some jokes about alcoholics and the mentally ill, including a long bit about eating disorders.  But I don’t trivialize these maladies.  I bring their seriousness to light in an amusing way, and I hope that my calling attention to them may cause some suffers to seek treatment, to understand that they aren’t the only ones, and that they can get help.  After they stop laughing.

So please take care of Claudette.  She was a gift from a girlfriend who loved me, who in fact was a director of a bear-like company I’m sure you’re familiar with: Bear, Stearns, one of America’s top investment banks.  We thought it was funny that when she called your company to order a businessman bear, they heard a female voice and sent a businesswoman.  Which was fine with us so we kept her.  But now she’s going back home to Vermont.  Her brother Bear Clawbear, her cousins AquaBear, MiniBear, MicroBear and their dogs Beebee and Suzy will miss her.  Well, they would if they weren’t inanimate objects, anyway.

I’ll be posting this letter on my web site, which gets thousands of unique hits every month, so you may start to hear from my fan base.  If you ever plan to be in New York City, please check the Schedule Page of my web site, come to a show and hear what comedy is supposed to sound like.

Shaun Eli Breidbart

The New York Times has reported that the American government has rebuilt and reopened an Iraqi cigarette factory even as that country lacks adequate electricity and medical supplies and even suffers from the inadequate protection of Iraqi ammunition dumps from saboteurs, terrorists and thieves.  But we shouldn’t rush to condemn our government before we have all the information, including details that have remained secret until now.

Reopening the tobacco factory is only the first step in a clever strategy to safeguard the lives of American troops, Iraqi police and civilians and the fortunes of Haliburton and Exxon.  Just before the factory restarts cigarette shipments, special squads of American tobacco executives will remove all “No Smoking” signs from ammunition dumps, ensuring that any insurgents attempting to get their hands on explosives will blow themselves up, eliminating the insurgents and the dangerous ammunition dumps along with any evidence of our secret plan.

The second stage of the strategy involves having American troops teach Iraqi children to play poker and blackjack, using candy as currency, utilizing the decks of cards with the pictures of wanted Iraqi military and political figures.  When the children realize that the troops have left them short of a full deck because soldiers held onto the ten cards depicting the enemies we have yet to capture, the Iraqi children will rush to turn in those ten so that they can resume their gambling.

The third stage, after ensuring that all of Iraq is as addicted to cheap cigarettes as Americans are to cheap oil, involves raising tobacco taxes to such a high level that Iraq will have no choice but to export as much oil as possible to generate enough money to feed their habit, thus ensuring that we have enough oil to feed ours.

Two hundred years ago the American Revolution started with colonists dumping tea into Boston Harbor.  But we don’t have to worry about an Iraqi Revolution starting with dumping tobacco into Bagdad Harbor– Iraq is a desert country and Bagdad is hundreds of miles from the nearest sea.  More importantly, tobacco is much more addictive than caffeine.  If we can raise the price of cigarettes in New York City so that a 2 pack a day habit costs $400 a month without starting riots, imagine how compliant Iraqis will be when we reassure them that they can smoke all they want, in exchange for something so far underground that they rarely ever see it.

Iraqis will soon be addicted to junk food, gambling and tobacco, proving that no army in the world is a match for the ingenuity and greed of American capitalism.

Also Trending:

Mario, the Idea vs. Mario, the Man

Part of a series on super mario . [view related entries].

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Mario, the Idea vs. Mario, the Man or the Perchance Essay is a comedy philosophy essay that explores the idea of the video game character Mario vs. Mario as a man. The essay is fake and was posted to Twitter by comedian Phil Jamesson in February 2022 as if it was a real paper that he handed in and received an "F" grade on for reasons including his repeated, incorrect usage of the word "perchance." The post went viral that year and inspired further memes referencing it, including videos voicing it over.

On February 18th, 2022, Twitter [1] user and comedian @PhilJamesson posted a photograph of the first two paragraphs of a purposely bad philosophy essay titled, "Mario, the Idea vs. Mario, the Man." The essay is written as unprofessionally as possible and , including phrases like, "crushing turts" and "stomp a turty" and a comparison of Mario to Dr. Pepper. The writer also uses the word "perchance" incorrectly throughout. The post gained over 611,000 likes and 69,000 retweets in 10 months (shown below).

Everyone knows Mario is cool as f--k. But who knows what he's thinking? Who knows why he crushes turtles? And why do we think about him as fondly as we think of the mystical (nonexistent?) Dr Pepper? Perchance. I believe it was Kant who said "Experience without theory is blind, but theory without experience is mere intellectual play." Mario exhibits experience by crushing turts all day, but he exhibits theory by stating "Lets-a go!" Keep it up, baby! When Mario leaves his place of safety to stomp a turty, he knows that he may Die. And yet, for a man who can purchase lives with money, a life becomes a mere store of value. A tax that can be paid for, much as a rich man feels any law with a fine is a price. We think of Mario as a hero,but he is simply a one percenter of a more privileged variety. The lifekind. Perchance.

On February 18th, 2022, the day the post was made, multiple Twitter [2] [3] users commented memes referencing it under the post, many based on the phrase "you can't just say 'perchance'" (examples shown below, left and right). On the same day, the text of the essay was posted to /r/ copypasta , [4] gaining roughly 30 upvotes in 10 months.

On February 19th, Elon Musk seemingly shared the post on Twitter, [5] writing, "Wario term paper," then deleted it. On the same day, YouTuber [6] Seedy posted a voiced-over version of the meme, garnering over 36,000 views in 10 months (shown below). On February 20th, a meme referencing the essay was posted to /r/whenthe, [7] garnering over 430 upvotes in the same span of time.

On February 22nd, Instagram [8] user turtle.meme.god posted a voiced-over version of the essay, garnering over 220,000 views in 10 months. It was posted to YouTube [9] that day, garnering over 197,000 views in the same span of time. On February 24th, Phil Jamesson posted a video to YouTube [10] about the essay and sequel culture, confirming it's fake, garnering over 170,000 views in 10 months (shown below, left). On February 27th, YouTuber [11] Jeaney Collects posted a voiced-over version of the essay, garnering over 1.9 million views in 10 months (shown below, right).

Various Examples

Search Interest

External references.

[1] Twitter – PhilJamesson

[2] Twitter – humidfluid

[3] Twitter – KnowNothingTV

[4] Reddit – matt46255

[5] Twitter – JoeHasSpoken

[6] YouTube – Seedy

[7] Reddit – whenthe

[8] Instagarm – turtle.meme.god

[9] YouTube – xekun

[10] YouTube – Phil Jamesson

[11] YouTube – Jeaney Collects

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Recent Videos 4 total

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9 Funny Essay Collections

Maeve in America: Essays by a Girl from Somewhere Else is comedian Maeve Higgins's wickedly funny essay collection. The 14 pieces in the collection such topics as Rent the Runway, teaching a comedy workshop in Iraq, the Muslim travel ban, and more, all containing incisive humor and deep humility. Higgins picks 10 of her favorite funny essay collections.

1. The Long-Winded Lady: Notes from The New Yorker by Maeve Brennan

Not strictly an essay collection, Brennan’s sketches of life in New York City in the '50s and '60s are full of pathos and wit. They are not very long, but that very brevity is key to their success. You know that scene in the movie Amélie where the heroine links arms with a blind man and gives him a whirlwind tour of hectic cityscape? That’s the breathless feeling you get reading Maeve Brennan, given an edge with her keenly dark sense of humor throughout.

2. I Feel Bad About My Neck by Nora Ephron

Lucky for us, we have a number of Ephron’s essay collections, but this one is a favorite of mine because it’s so charming, honest and fun to read. Ephron does not tolerate despondency or morbidity, and I wonder what she would make of outlets publishing still-fresh tragedy-struck pieces written by hungry young writers today. In "Moving On," an essay about making a home and a life for herself and her two little boys after an excruciating divorce, Ephron stays focused and funny. She is clear-eyed but not without emotion, a balancing act hard to do on the page, but one she pulls off with style.

3. Swerve: Reckless Observations of a Postmodern Girl by Aisha Tyler

This raucous book full of backstage comedy gossip and frank advice about sex and dating was published in 2004, well ahead of other essay collections on similar themes that would later be hailed as "ground-breaking." Tyler’s star has risen since this collection, having co-hosted The Talk and starred in Criminal Minds for many years. These essays are still fresh and lovely to read today, and you can hear Tyler’s voice as you read, so it feels like sitting with your clever friend over drinks, staying up late the way you have to sometimes, and just letting it all come out in the wash.

4. Men Explain Things To Me by Rebecca Solnit

This book got me good–reading it, I was shaking my head and laughing out loud, sometimes at the same time. Solnit’s succinct reporting on gender, blended with her own lived experience, is a winning combination. At times her writing is all too relatable and elicits the type of embittered laugh that comes with a deep recognition of how messed up misogyny is. This is also the laughter of kinship, the screech of "that happened to me too!" and "I never knew this was a thing ." So much fun, and you wind up feeling bolstered and ready to deal with the next mansplainer, who will, no doubt, be along in a minute.

5. Vacationland by John Hodgman

I never knew I’d care so much about Maine until I read this delightful, self-aware, and surprising collection by the very funny and subtly profound writer, known to many from his days on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Hodgman refuses to take himself seriously, which is important, because it helps us to join him as he explores his particular fate as a successful, white, middle-aged man in America today, and adore him all the more by the end of it.

6. You Can't Touch My Hair: And Other Things I Still Have to Explain by Phoebe Robinson

A dizzying, hilarious trip through pop culture, race, and gender from this young comic. Full disclosure: I am friends with Phoebe. That only makes me more sure of her talent, because any memoirist knows it’s almost impossible to accurately portray oneself in words; self- consciousness, vanity, lack of skill often prevent any possibility of actually translating a person into a book. But this is the real woman; full of life and intellect and fun.

7. I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley

A classic for so many reasons, and a book that spawned a hundred imitators. The jokes are so strong, the stories so well-timed and the writing so sly and perfect, it’s impossible not to fall for the woman behind the mishaps of a life not working out as planned. I smile about the essay where Crosley gets locked out at least once a week, and I read this book ten years ago. Perfection.

8. Calypso by David Sedaris

The latest offering from the master of the funny essay, Calypso will make you laugh and shake your head at the somehow completely relatable oddness of Sedaris and his family and his various preoccupations. Calypso also gave me pause—Sedaris has been writing for many years now, and this collection more than the previous ones reaches that bit deeper into the melancholy parts of life. All the better, because the truth in sadness verifies the truth in joy, and so you have in your hands an authentic book, a real journey, that will make you laugh until you cry and then laugh again. I recommend listening to as an audiobook if you can, Sedaris is a wonderful reader. 

9. One Day We'll All Be Dead and None of This Will Matter by Scaachi Koul

I knew Koul from her sparky and witty online presence—she is a culture writer for BuzzFeed living in Canada—and was enthralled by her book which flows beautifully. Her essays feature a few overriding themes: being a woman, being the child of immigrants, being brown, being online. All of these are facets of Koul’s experience in the world, and she navigates through with much humor and a sharpness that is quite thrilling to read. A generous and lovely book. Her depiction of her father and their relationship is nothing short of hilarious.

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Funny Persuasive Essay Topics: 177 Writing & Speech Ideas

Every one of us needs a little bit of laughter in our lives. In the academic world, working on a persuasive essay on a fun topic is one of the best ways to enjoy paper writing. By discussing something entertaining, you can connect with your reader on a more personal level.

If your readers or audience are enjoying themselves, it will be much easier to get their attention and impress them. This is the primary goal of a persuasive essay or a speech.

Coming up with a fun persuasive speech topic is often challenging for students. After all, most of their assignments tend to be more serious and informative. We understand this concern – and we want to help!

Our team has created an ultimate list of funny persuasive essay topics. You will find plenty of examples and prompts that you can use in your work. We have also included useful advice on how to find ideas for a paper. And check out our guide to making your speech or writing fun.

• ✨ Top Fun Topics
• 🧨 How to Find Topics
• 🌧 Topics on Ecology
• 🎭 Topics on Culture
• ⚖ Topics on Laws
• 💞 Topics on Love
• 🌭 Topics on Food
• 🍎 For Elementary Students
• 🏫 For Middle Schoolers
• 🗓 For High Schoolers
• ☕ For College Students
• 👩‍🏫 Making It Funny

✨ Top 10 Fun Persuasive Speech Topics

• Fast food – it’s not that bad!
• Education – students deserve a stipend.
• Recycling – does it work?
• Veganism – everyone should go vegan!
• Homework – we don’t need it!
• Writing – keeping a journal is great.
• Mental health – best way to cure phobias.
• Money- it can buy happiness!
• Taxes – classes for high school students.
• Alcohol – worse than drugs!

🧨 How to Find Impressive Persuasive Essay Topics

Try not to look only for persuasive topics that are funny. Search for the ones that aim to impress your audience. How do you choose the right one?

Determine an engaging subject area

Choose something thought-provoking, so you and your audience can have fun discussing. It is an essential thing to start with.

Get some ideas

Use lists on the Internet or have an ideation session. After picking your subject, start brainstorming for ideas. Ask for help from your friends and family or look at our list of suggested amazing topics! Look at some essay samples , too. They can be a great source of inspiration and fresh ideas.

Consider what interests you in particular

Find something that is going to be entertaining for the target audience and, most importantly, yourself. It is a significant advantage if the topic you are talking about is personally interesting to you.

Think whether you have anything to say

Choose an entertaining topic you will be able to talk about. Having an opinion about your subject is crucial, but stay open-minded for a discussion.

Research for possible arguments

Analyze what evidence and facts you can find on the Internet. Speculate on the arguments for and against your topic before writing. To include them in your paper, you need to ensure their high quality.

Exclude useless ideas from your list

Avoid using thoughts that do not correlate with your subject. If they are contradictory or there is simply not enough data on them, throw them away. Choosing the right ones will save you a lot of time.

Pick the one

After applying all of the tips listed above, do not hesitate to pick the one idea you prefer the most. Take a look at the list below to find impressive and interesting writing & speech topics!

🎇 A List of 103 Funny Persuasive Topics

Under this subheading, we have created an ultimate list of fun persuasive writing topics. There are five main themes with various ideas for your paper/speech.

🌧 Funny Persuasive Topics on Ecology

• Solar energy harvesting should be obligatory for every citizen.
• Water is going to be the most valuable resource in the future .
• We should teach the baby boomer generation about climate change.
• Can owls be domesticated?
• The sewage system is the most useful creation of urban ecology.
• Natural environments occur heterogeneously or exhibit patchiness .
• Is ecotourism better than the regular one?
• If humans had not discovered agriculture, our world would be completely different today.
• Overpopulation has severe effects on the environment .
• Biowaste is an excellent source of alternative energy.
• Can donating have a more significant impact than recycling?
• We should ban the usage of plastic bags altogether.
• Many of our environmental problems today come from human greediness.
• The most dangerous creature in the world is…a mosquito.
• Natural science can be fun if taught the right way.
• Deep-sea creatures have a completely different lifestyle from regular ones .
• A big pandemic can reduce the level of global death statistics.
• Both renewable and non-renewable electricity sources produce pollution .
• Global warming is a straight ticket to economic and geopolitical problems.
• Some animal zoos are no better than jail for humans.
• Unsustainable tourism can deeply hurt our environment .
• Animals understand nature better than we do.
• Why should we be more conscious of domestic water usage?

🎭 Funny Persuasive Topics about Culture

• Talk shows should be banned from television.
• The toxicity in social media should be punished by law.
• The Hollywood dream is fake.
• People in Western culture are obsessed with their looks .
• Should we stay off Facebook?
• Materialistic ideas heavily influence the nation of UAE .
• How would the Buddhist monk react to your shopping habits?
• Love portrayal in movies is far from reality.
• Why are dads in sitcoms so childish sometimes?
• Studying a nation’s pop culture is a great way to learn about its people’s values and beliefs.
• The expression of love is different in every culture .
• Beauty pageants are sexist towards women.
• Our culture changed drastically with the advancement of technology .
• A controversial public figure will get more media attention than a “quiet” one.
• White people tend to appropriate black culture .
• Modern social standards have a direct connection with our pop culture.
• Smoking is a big part of our culture .
• How do you make everyone want to befriend you?
• Celebrity idolization is pad practice.
• People are easily offended nowadays, but they have every right to feel so.

⚖ Funny Persuasive Topics on Laws

• The absence of gun control laws is the ultimate example of democracy in the United States.
• Taxes for individual businesses should not exist.
• The government should increase corporation taxation.
• Lottery wars are a real thing .
• Do female criminal gangs exist ?
• Honking in a traffic jam should be considered criminal.
• Online gambling is getting out of control .
• Why pay bills when you can live in the wilderness?
• Gun ownership should be illegal for people under the age of 21.
• Marijuana usage should be legal worldwide.
• America is misled about its rights to freedom of speech .
• We should contribute more to avoiding wars and international conflicts.
• International law is not really a law .
• Racial profiling is not an effective way of police work.
• The war on drugs has been the longest in US history.

💞 Funny Persuasive Topics on Relationships

• Creativity and dishonesty have a lot of things in common in a relationship .
• Your boyfriend should not be your reason to cry.
• What does not affect a child’s psychology?
• The couples’ therapy does not work.
• LGBT community confronts outdated conventions of society .
• What should be considered a family?
• The long-distance relationship is the worst kind of relationship.

• There should be boundaries in a marriage .
• Stop viewing relationships as a game.
• A mother-child relationship starts before that child is born .
• After a failed relationship, a simple conversation is sometimes better than finger-pointing.
• Can love between two people last forever?
• Online dating is worse than the real one.
• Rich couples have lower divorce rates .
• If you cannot respect your partner, you deserve to be alone.
• What is the proper way to ask a girl out on a date?
• How do you balance work and family ?
• Sometimes communication just does not work if you like someone. You need to take action.
• Honesty could ruin a good relationship.
• How to talk to your crush if you have anxiety?
• If you are having seconds thoughts about a date – cancel it.
• Choose your clothes carefully for the first date.
• The flirting ideal is different for males and females .

🌭 Funny Persuasive Topics about Food

• Junk food is not actually that bad for you.
• Why is food in Mexico so spicy ?
• Ramen is the greatest creation of humanity.

• Fish is the most valuable food resource for humans .
• A vegan diet could kill you.
• Your fresh meat from a local store is, in fact, not fresh.
• Hotpot is a new trend for restaurants worldwide .
• Farms use a lot of illegal methods to increase their production.
• Food science saves our lives daily.
• Curry is perfect for your health .
• Yogurt is the best among fermented foods.
• Sustainable food allowed our civilization to thrive.
• The fast-food business model’s primary aim is profit, not food.
• Opening a Halal restaurant is a profitable business model .
• Are we supposed to believe nutrition facts on packages?
• America developed its way of dining out .
• Globalization plays a significant role in a country’s food culture .
• Some things to do when you are offered food you don’t like.
• Ketchup can improve the taste of every dish.
• Are men better chefs than women?
• Technology has drastically changed the way we eat.
• Mediterranean cuisine is the best cuisine in the world.

😂 Persuasive Essay Topics: Funny for Whom?

This chapter is going to list funny persuasive topics for people of different age groups. However, remember that humor is a very subjective thing. Each and one of us (no matter the age) has different mentality and ideals.

We are going to try and speculate what funny things are worthy of discussion for each generation. Let’s go!

🍎 Funny Persuasive Topics for Elementary Students

• We should ban adult news and leave only cartoons on TV.
• Schools should include computer games classes in their program.
• Our schools should do activities more often, such as camping and excursions.
• Chocolate awards are the best demonstration of the teacher’s appreciation.
• A school classroom should have more toys.
• A lunch box is the most valuable thing in our backpacks.
• Writing an email requires concentrated group work.
• Teachers should have more rest from their pupils.
• Your yearly achievements should be read aloud by your parents.
• Homework is useless for elementary students.
• A pack of gum is more valuable than money.
• School cafeterias should be banned for their lack of good food.
• Family is the primary source of happiness in our lives.
• Collecting certain things is an excellent way to become popular in school.
• Domestic robots are going to make us lazy.

🏫 Funny Persuasive Topics for Middle Schoolers

Middle school is the place where students are only beginning to get acquainted with world realities. They form new relationships, discover sports, drama clubs, start new adventures, etc. First gossips and rumors spread. Middle school is also the first place where students first face bullying.

Here are some topics for this generation:

• Teachers should allow students to express themselves freely in middle school.
• We should ban books and only use iPads in classes.
• Public schools should be administered wiser .
• The efficiency of children’s literacy development must be increased .
• Building new relationships is the best thing about middle school.
• Every school has one craziest school story.
• Do boys gossip more than girls?

• The only thing you think about during classes is song lyrics.
• 7th grade is the time when you start having crushes.
• It is impossible to order at McDonald’s without staying “Ummm.”
• Teachers are the biggest motivators for students .
• Pen clicking is the most annoying thing during a test.
• Finding old pictures of yourself is the worst thing ever.
• According to teachers, grades are more important than your emotional and physical health.
• In middle school, you learn to hate people truly.
• They tell us sleep is essential, so why do the classes start early?

🗓 Funny Persuasive Topics for High Schoolers

This period is filled with excitement and many adventures. At the same time, students experience too much stress and anxiety. The finals, prom, separation from their parents, college, and adult life are looming.

• Don’t neglect your teachers; they should become your friends in the last year.
• Don’t like Shakespeare? Study him even more !
• Why is math so complicated in high school?
• “The Epic of Gilgamesh” is the best piece of literature studied in high school .
• Watching Ted Talks is better than studying.
• We should live according to the rules of High School Musical .
• Yearbook quotes are the reason why we go to high school.
• Senior high school students experience more stress in the last year than all the previous ones combined.
• Graduation is the happiest moment of your life.
• The concept of a zombie comes from Haitian culture , but it blooms in every high school.
• Waiting for a letter from a college is the most stressful thing during high school.
• There should be a gap year after high school to decide your future.
• Job interviews for high schoolers should be banned.
• Why is it so stressful to ask a person on a prom date?
• Monday classes should not exist.
• Household rules could tell a lot about someone’s family.

☕ Funny Persuasive Topics for College Students

Almost anyone could say that college is the most fun period in their lives. You can have independence, crazy parties, new relationships, etc. At the same time, college students have to get used to a different lifestyle living away from parents.

• College students are the best procrastinators.
• Fast food is bad for your mental health.

• You have to get a job in college.
• How do I not go broke in college?
• Doing your laundry is a waste of time.
• Parents can still control you even in college.
• Fraternities are not so cool anymore.
• If you want better grades, try to understand your professor.
• Is attending college worth it ?
• College jokes are the best.
• College students are the best liars.
• Memes is a fantastic stress reliever.
• The hypocrisy levels of professors are sometimes unbearable.
• What is the best hobby one could have in college?
• Adults can attend college, and we should support it.
• Colleges should be mandatory .
• Coffee is your best friend in college.

👩‍🏫 Guide to Making Your Speech or Writing Funny

So, you have already chosen your idea from our funny persuasive topics list. However, you also have to make sure that your speech or essay correlates with it.

Here’s a guide just for that:

• Think of your audience . What age group is going to listen to you or read your persuasive essay? What humor would they appreciate? This tip is an essential part of your success.
• Evaluate whether a humorous approach can contribute to the success of your essay or speech. Your final goal is to persuade. If jokes here and there will only interfere with your objective, don’t incorporate them.
• Consider your strengths . You’ve probably used humor before in your daily conversations. Which jokes were successful? Are you good at relatable comedy or anecdotes? Looking for an impressive funny topic, you have to take your skills into account. Otherwise, even the hilarious idea will fail. Always keep practicing.
• Try different techniques . If you’re good at various types of humor or at least willing to attempt, use a few methods. Storytelling, anecdotes, tags, ambiguity, self-deprecation—the list goes on! Try different approaches not to become predictable. Check online sources that speak on the many humor techniques.
• Use expressive yet simple language . It’s hard to laugh when you’re trying to understand what the author intended to say. If you are struggling with word transparency, check your dictionary for synonyms.
• Don’t forget to pause . Doesn’t matter whether you write or speak—give your reader or listener time to prepare for the next joke. Effective spaces between comedic moments are essential not to turn your persuasive speech into a standup. Throwing too many jokes around does not work. Aim for quality over quantity.
• Practice the jokes on your close ones. Try to find the age group similar to your future audience and ask for their opinion. Then you’ll be able to polish and improve your humor. Both essay writing and public speaking require some practice.

That is everything you need to know about funny persuasive writing topics! We thank you for taking the time to read our article. If you liked it, share it with your friends to help them find information on the subject.

🔗 References

• 414 Funny and Humorous Speech Topics [Persuasive, Informative, Impromptu]: My Speech Class
• 4 Steps to Finding a Speech Topic that Clicks: Michelle Mazur, Communication Rebel
• How to Use Humor Effectively in Speeches: Write Out Loud
• How to Add Power or Humor with the Rule of Three: Andrew Dlugan, Six Minutes
• 7 Tips on Writing an Effective Essay: The Fastweb Team
• Introductions and Conclusions: Writing Advice, University of Toronto
• College Essay Examples How to Write Your Story Best Colleges: Josh Moody, US News
• Essays That Worked: John Hopkins University
• How To Write A Persuasive Essay: Writing Guides, Ultius
• Tips To Write An Effective Persuasive Essay: Dr. Michael W. Kirst, The College Puzzle
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110 Humor Essay Topic Ideas & Examples

Top Humor Topic Ideas and Essay Examples

– Sense Of Humor: What Does It Do? Satire is much more particular as it relies on an accurate understanding of the intended audience.

– The impact of humor and fun in the workplace on employee morale and performance It is well-known that laughter has many benefits. However, laughter isn’t always a good thing for your […].

– The effects of humor and persuasion Humor can still be used to persuade. Comedy/Amusement

– The Cask of Amontillado Horror Story – Allan Poe Edgar Allan Poe makes use of humor and horror to tell “The Cask of Amontillado”.

– Humor’s Nature: What Makes People Smile? Literary works are academically a constructive and creative way to condemn evils such corruption, impunity and gender violence.

– World Literature: Humor and Comedy Here is the absurd comedy of Okonkwo’s father’s description of his family’s poverty.

Humor in Lysistrata, She Stoops to Conquer: Still funny today The satire of Lysistrata is a farcical comedy that delights modern audiences. It focuses on national wars and peace.

Humor at Work This paper’s findings are both theoretically and practically important.

Attardo: “Humor and laughter” The field has been lacking a synthesis of laughter and humor since then.

– Racial Humors, Stereotypes, and “Rush Hour 2”, The influence of globalization made it possible for different cultures to come into contact. This led to massive migrations across every country and clashes of customs and religions

– African-American Humor: A Reflection on Change This article aims to demonstrate that the African-American population has used humor to diminish stereotypes and get them closer to realizing equal rights […]

Humor at Work: How Important is It? The HRM function is responsible with motivating workers. Humor can help create a friendly environment.

– Japanese Literature – Humor and parody This paper explores the use of humor and parody within the following works of Edo-Tokugawa periods.

– Humor in Zadie’s Novels Zadie’s style serves as a guideline to help readers understand situations that might be ethically or otherwise problematic.

Humor Therapy for Mental Illness Patients Therefore, researchers focused on humor in therapy as it has the potential for positive patient outcomes.

– Humor, Technology and the Young Frankenstein Movie One of the most heated debates was about the role of scientists in today’s age. Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein, which addresses this question.

Humor: Different tastes Humor is part of our human nature. […]

– Harpagon The Achievement of Humor, “The Miser” Moliere The audience can find humor in whatever happens to him throughout the play because he has become distant from all other characters.

– Strategies for Humor and Australian Art Post 1970 Humor regarding emotions and needs is a powerful tool for constructing a society that accepts these emotions.

– Humor of Multifunctional Nature: Cultural Traditions and Comedy Works The Colbert Report was a catalyst for patriotism and self-awareness in 2008, especially when it came to the elections. It was intended to make people laugh and compensate for the […] lack of truth.

– Mark Twain’s Humor according to Critics In the 1860s, he moved with his family to Nook farm in Hartford, Connecticut. Then, they moved to Fredonia, New York, and Keokuk in Iowa.

– The Racial Humors in America: Jokes with Racial or Ethnic Contents Connotations Peter Russell’s performance began in 1989 and has covered the most important areas of Indian childhood, racial stereotypes and race relations.

– Humor and Asian Cinema: The Functions Of Humor In Japanese Films Humor in cinema can help to bring out the most important themes and add some unique details.

– Culture-Based Humor, Stereotypes and Comedians’ Relationship with the Audience Without being able to analyze one’s reactions, it is impossible to determine which kind of comedy would be the most entertaining for someone.

– Ethics, Persuasion and Humor: The Social Functions of Humor in Society In this instance, the mental state is defined as the person’s attitude. Humor is an effective way to persuade others.

Drew Hayden Taylor’s Aboriginal Humor. This essay will examine the traditional theories of aboriginal humor. It informs about the […]

Humor in the Workplace: Reducing employee tension and communication The cartoon helps reduce tension at work by giving the employer an opportunity to offer advice to the worker. Management understands that employees have the freedom to learn […].

Humor as Therapy at Humormatters.com It can be searched for using the Google keyword “Sultanoff” as well as listed on the Pepperdine University website under the section dedicated o the researcher and a faculty member.

– Humor as a Method of Conflict Management: Facilitating & Regulating Communication Humor can help to create a relaxed environment, which is sometimes necessary in a workplace.

Humor can be a tool to achieve positive results at work Managers should be able to establish good relationships with multi-ethnic teams that include members from different ethnicities.

Humor is the best strategy for stress relief This paper will discuss how humor can be used to manage stress. It is not enough to understand the causes of stress.

Film Noir, Black Humor and Film Noir in “The Missing Gun” Black humor and noir elements can be seen as features that help to create an image and atmosphere in a movie. These elements are combined in “The Missing Gun” to show an […].

Simple & Easy Humor Essay Titles – The Theme. The Message. The Humor. The Setting of The Flaw in Our Stars. John Green’s Novel. – The Theme of Humor, The Taming of the Shrew (William Shakespeare) – The Crying Lot of 49 by Thomas Pynchon & White Noise By Don DeLillo – Humor and Uses – Transforming Moments: Humor and Laughter In Palliative Health Care Adams’ Hitch Hiker’s Guide to Humor and Absurdity – Humor through the Characters by Creating False Realities In the Taming Of The Shrew – The Humor, Satire and Writings of Mark Twain – Comedy as a Humorous Tool in Movie Zombieland Voltaire’s Principles of Satire and Humor In Candide – Tone, Irony and Humor in The Hammon And The Beans – Oscar Wilde’s The Imitance of Being Earnest: How Humor and Irony are Used – The Importance Of Humor In Literature For Beginning Readers – Humor and Language Techniques in Monbiot’s Article Modeest Proposal for Youth Scourge The Possible Correlations between Self-Defeating Humor and Humor Sigmund Freud and Woody Allen discuss the use of humor – The Importance Humor In Tragic Hamlet. A Play by William Shakespeare Emma Jameson: Humor and Culture in Relationship – Oscar Wilde’s The Importance and the Earnest: How Humor Works – How to Find Humor in a Parody. Humor’s Positive and Negative Implications – The Cooperative principle of Pragmatics: An Analyse of Verbal Humor among Friends – The use of literary devices to create humor for Romeo and Juliet – William Shakespeare’s A Midsummer night’s Dream, A Play about Humor – What is the Triumph of Humor over Human Adversity? – Humor Production: The Differences and Similarities between Academic and Popular Sources – To improve the students’ speaking skills, use humor in the teaching-learning process

Humorous Topics for Essays – The Truth Behind Comedy. A Study Of Comedians. Jane Austen’s Subtle Humor about Pride and Prejudice – The Humor of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America to Make Beneficiious Nation of Kazakhstan – The Cynical Perspectives and Dark Humor Of Voltaire in Candide And Zadig – Therapeutic Uses Of Humor – Women and Comedy: Sexual Humor And Female Empowerment Using dark humor and journals – Mark Twain’s Humorous Writings – Humor is essential in creating effective advertising for marketers – The Cellular and Immune Effects Of Humor Humor in Flight: What Roles Does It Play? – Chaucer8217s Canterbury Tales: Humor and Satire Shakespeare’s Humor: Richard Iii. – One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest: Powerful Humor – Kurt Vonnegut Jr.’s Life and Dark Humor in Satirical Fictions – The Difference between British and American Humor – George Orwell’s Animal Farm demonstrates the use of humor to describe historical events Washington Irving’s The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, Humor – How to use humor to face the harsh realities of everyday life as a prisoner during the Holocaust – William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet – Humor – The development of a sense of humor in childhood Hwee Hwee Ta – Humor through Contradictions within Foreign Body Components Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night: Wit and Humor – Humor theories by Jim Holt – 21 Jump Street: The Humor of Chris Miller and Phil Lord

Questions about Humor – What Does it Mean to be “Bad”? – What is Humor? – What is the opposite of humor? – What is the best synonym for humor? – What is the closest synonym for the word humor? How African American Humor and Our View of Comedy Have Changed – Chaucer uses humor to make social criticism. – How does Dorothy Parker use humor to explore gender differences? Humor: How does it affect our society? – What is Humor? – Emily Dickinson uses humor and irony in her poetry – How can humor benefit workplace relations and improve employee performance? – How can humor create different emotions within comedy? How can humor be an important part for health? Humor can make a greater impression than Stern speeches. – How can Japan’s open-mindedness, responsibility and sense of humor make it a better country? Russel Peters uses race-based humor? – What are the unique characteristics of Jewish Humor and Humorology? Humor-Based Positive psychology Interventions for Whom? – How do personality traits and sense of humor affect your ability to make decisions? Is there a relationship between Humor Styles & Subjective Well-Being that is different across cultures and ages? How does humor affect brand imaging, interpersonal? – How does Humor influence perceptions of veracity? – Is Humor a Qualify for a Person? What is the importance of humor? – How did social change and its humor idioms in the Twentieth Century occur? – What are the Different Styles Of Humor?

Emerson McKinney is a 31-year-old mother and blogger who focuses on education. Emerson has a Bachelor's degree in Elementary Education from the University of South Carolina. She is currently a stay-at-home mom and blogger who writes about her experiences as a mother and educator. Emerson is also a contributing writer for the Huffington Post.

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Funny Essays to Use as Mentor Texts

• By Amanda in Lesson Ideas , Reading Comprehension , Writing

Seriously – stories both you and your students will laugh out loud reading. Humor varies from person to person, so I have two very different essays in the hopes that you and your students will at least be able to connect to one.

To make sure this is actually useful for everyone, I’m only including essays that, at the time of posting this, are available for free online. And I’ll include a little bit about what I focus on with each to give you a jumping-off point.

To be honest, I’m posting this today as a bit of a reminder for myself that school can be fun and funny. Another pandemic year is underway. It won’t be easy, but maybe a little bit of humor can help us through it.

What to do with said hilarious short stories and essays? I tend to work with students who struggle with reading and writing. Most of my classes are remediation ELA where I have two goals: help them pass the state test and help them learn to love reading again. The humor helps get them through to the practice state test questions I have to give them. I know, I know. Teaching to the test. I hate it, too. But here we are and I know I’m not alone. The least I can do is give them engaging material. And maybe, even with the test questions after, they can rediscover how fun (and funny) stories can be.

A Super-Classy Gentleman’s Guide to Being a Classy Fellow by Paul Feig

Recognize the name? He’s been directing and writing some of my favorites for decades: Freaks and Geeks , Bridesmaids , and the 2016 version of Ghostbusters . His essay reminds me of Freaks and Geeks , one of my favorite shows when I was in high school. It’s a personal essay about how he took a chance on one of the most popular girls at school and succeeded in landing his first kiss – but then swiftly did something mortifying that ruined any future kisses from said popular girl. Ouch. Click HERE to read his cringe-worthy essay.

• short personal essay
• well-written and relatable
• low lexile but high engagement
• he uses the word “boner” three times (know your audience and district if you use this)

What to do with it

State testing questions, of course. Booooo. Yup. Agreed. I only give half-a-dozen multiple choice questions that are heavily modeled after the PA Keystones test they’ll soon be taking.

Now for the fun part: have your students use this as a model for their own personal essays. Point out some of Feig’s style techniques and have your students practice similar paragraphs or entire essays. Maybe they don’t want to write about their most embarrassing love-life experiences. Understandable. But there’s a solid paragraph here (or three) where Feig is unsure about something and he sprinkles in questions he’s asking himself as he weighs his options. Give students a prompt about an important decision they had to make (or unimportant like what to eat for lunch) and challenge them to match his humor with their internal questions peppered in the paragraph(s).

Big Boy by David Sedaris

Please note that I will NEVER talk about funny authors without including David Sedaris. So here I am, defiling my nice list of memoir-style narratives with an essay about a giant poop referred to as “big boy,” “the biggest piece of work I’ve ever seen,” “beast,” “monster,” and “man-made object.” In fact, I’m the lowly writer here using the term poop while Sedaris never does in his piece. He’s classy like that. Click HERE to read this fabulously classy piece.

• relatable piece
• extremely funny
• super short
• lots of figurative language
• it’s an essay about poop
• David reading is own work is always preferable since he has killer delivery, but I don’t see this with the same wording anywhere. Not really a con, more of a bummer.

What to do with it?

Definitely dive into all the figurative language he’s woven through the piece. Have the students read only the first few lines about the lovely Easter dinner he’s about to have and then guess what will come next based on the title and mood of the setting. Talk about how ironic the rest of the story is in comparison.

Similar to Feig he includes his thoughts which add to the humor in the piece. Have students describe a seemingly minor problem and then include dramatic thoughts and statements. The climax in this story is impressive given its topic. The reader is practically sweating along with Sedaris even though the actual situation is not life-or-death. Examples of times people get really panicky? In a dressing room with something too tight that may never come off your body without you Hulking out of it. Clothing malfunction like ripped pants or a well-placed stain while you’re at a wedding or some other formal affair. There just needs to be a situation where one person is having a secret melt-down in a very public setting while no one around them notices it.

Me, too! But I’m having the worst time finding anything appropriate and available, for free (not breaking copyright laws). So I’d love to hear suggestions if you have any.

I’ll keep updating this post as your suggestions come in and I’m hoping to eventually have some worksheets to go with these that are worthy of posting online.

Love bringing laughter into the classroom? Me, too! Check out these other posts on humorous lessons:

David Sedaris’s reading of his Santaland Diaries

Hilarious Ted Talks

Using Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy in the classroom

• david sedaris , ela lesson , essay , funny , mentor writing , nonfiction , paul feig

This is my ninth year teaching. I'm certified in secondary English and special education. I love creating engaging lessons that help to reach all students regardless of ability. I don't post my real picture because I like to keep my privacy.

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50+ Short Funny Stories That Will Crack You Up In 60 Seconds

I curated these funny stories from funny Tumblr stories . Get ready for a hurricane of LOL as you read all these funny short stories.

1 . Now that’s what I call stupid : In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date. He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza. We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.” I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screaming at the top of his lungs. We never had a second date.

2 . The fake report card : I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card. I did this every quarter that year. I forgot that they mail home the end-of-year cards, and my mom got it before I could intercept with my fake. She was PISSED—at the school for their error. The teacher also retired that year and had already thrown out his records, so they had to take my mother’s “proof” (the fake ones I made throughout the year) and “correct” the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.

3 . All the fish : I went to this girl’s party the week after she beat the shit out of my friend. While everyone was getting trashed, I went around putting tuna inside all the curtain rods and so like weeks went by and they couldn’t figure out why the house smelled like festering death. They caught me through this video where these guys at the party were singing Beyoncé while I was in the background with a can of tuna.

4 . How to win at video games : When I was little, I would go on Nickelodeon.com all the time and they had this game similar to Club Penguin , except it was called Nicktropolis . And if you forgot your password, a security question you could choose was “What is your eye color?” and if you got it right it’d tell you your password. So I would go to popular locations in Nicktropolis and write down random usernames who were also in those areas, and then I would log out and type in the username as if it were my own and see which of these usernames had a security question set to “What is your eye color?” (Which was most of them, since it was easy and we were all kids). I would then try either brown, blue, or green, and always get in, then I would go to their house and send all of their furniture and decorations to my own accounts. And if I didn’t want it, I could sell it for money.

5 . Drama at my drama class : One time my drama class’s teacher had gone home sick so we were just put in a classroom with a movie to entertain us for the period when an alarm went off. None of us were sure if it was the fire alarm or the lockdown alarm, so we all head out into the hall to check and no one’s out there, so we head back in and climb under our desks as is lockdown procedure. Cut to an hour or so later when a teacher bursts in and nearly dies of relief because the school was on fire and we were the only students not accounted for and half the faculty and fire department had been searching for us for ages. Literally, the whole school had filled with smoke while we’d kept super safe under our wooden desks.

6 . I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard : My whole class once got detention because I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard and when the teacher went to wipe off the board all the fluff came off and stuck to the glue. I never got in trouble for it because my whole class found it too funny to tell the teacher it was me.

7 . The day my teacher stole my headphones : During my sophomore year of high school, we were doing silent work and my history teacher said that we could listen to music but if it was too loud he would “break our headphones.” so I’m doing my work quietly with my music on low, and this obnoxious kid sitting next to me had his music really loud. I could hear it over my music but ignored it. My teacher thought it was me. So he comes up to me & ripped my BRAND NEW Apple headphones, looking ruthless. He suddenly realized it was the guy next to me and he was completely embarrassed. He came in the next day with a new pair and an apology note taped to them. He couldn’t look me in the eye for the rest of the year.

8 . Oh—semen : When I was in high school, I was pretty quiet around people who weren’t my friends. The high school’s wrestling coach also taught geometry, and he was my teacher. This resulted in a lot of wrestlers skipping class and barging into our classroom to hang out and not get in trouble. One day, seven wrestlers come in yelling about new wrestling uniforms, and how excited they were. When they go over and pull out the uniforms, the whole class is kind of side eyeing them. Even without what I mention next, the suits look funny. I mean, it’s tight royal blue Spandex with a suspender style top. Absolutely funny already. But the wrestlers grab the uniforms and rush out of the room to go change in the bathroom, and come back to show them off. Which, is also hysterical because Spandex hides NOTHING; you could see all of their junk.

Anyway, we live in a town called Ocean City. It’s commonly abbreviated as “OC”. On the back of the Spandex uniform, it says Ocean City Men in large letters. Except… they used the abbreviation. On the back, it says OC MEN. Which isn’t awful, but then I sound it out in my head. OC MEN. Oh—semen. I almost spit out the water I was drinking.

I looked around frantically, trying to find out who I can tell, because I didn’t have any friends to tell in this class. I turn to the girl next to me, and I had no idea who she was and had never talked to her before. I told her what I found and we both cracked up.

The whole time she saw me as the quiet teacher’s pet who was shy as hell. The first words out of my mouth were “It says oh semen.”

We’ve been best friends for 7 years now.

9 . Ow, my shit! : When I was a kid, I was always excited to learn new vocabulary. When I was in first grade, my teacher taught me that “shin” was another word for leg.

Later that day, I was walking with my mom, when I tripped and hit my leg on the ground really hard. I yelled out “OW, MY SHIN” although my mom heard “OW, MY SHIT.” She started yelling about how that was a bad word and we didn’t say that word, and she was going to wash my mouth out with soap. I was a crying, bawling mess of a child, to the point I was doing that weird cry, stutter, hiccup noise. She paused in berating me and said “Who taught you that word?!” Of course, I told the truth and said “M-m-my teacher t-t-t-taught me that word!” and she started ranting about how she was going to call the school and get that teacher yelled at.

I tried to explain, “T-te-teacher said that shin meant leg I’m SO SORRY ILL N-N-NE-ne-never say it again.” My mom got quiet and realized her mistake. “…What did you say?”

Of course I started crying harder and I said “NO it’s just a test you’re going to wash my mouth out with soap again.”

When I finally calmed down enough to say it again, my mom apologized and to this day I always say “shin” loudly just to see her face blush.

10 . I swear to God he levitated : I have a friend who I’ve known since I was very little. One day, when he was six, I was at his house when he got this absolutely god-awful stomach pain. I mean, he was literally writhing in pain. So, his mom took him to the doctor’s office, where the doctor took one look and told her to take him to the ER. She feared something along the lines of an intestinal rupture. About half way to the hospital, my friend suddenly let rip the loudest, most powerful fart any of us had ever heard. I swear to God he levitated. We thought the upholstery in the car seat had ripped. After a good 30 seconds of intense farting, he looked at his mom and said, “I feel all better now!”

11 . We don’t have a fucking doorbell : So a couple years I moved out of state with a boyfriend. Was super excited about it but with reason had anxiety about being so far from friends and family. One of the ways my anxiety was coming out was with nightmares and night terrors. I’d wake up violently sitting up in a cold sweat, gasping and whatnot. On one particular night I had woken up the sound of our doorbell ringing. Which at 4 in the morning is fucking nerve wracking. So I shook my boyfriend fully awake and told him I heard the doorbell and to go check it because I was scared. He quickly jumps up. Puts on clothes and grabs a bat. Goes all the way to the front door and opens it. I, scared shitless, am peeking around the corner watching it all go down. I see him step outside and I nervously await the verdict of the situation when I hear him call out to me. “Babe?” And I respond real shaky, “Yes?” He stands in the doorway with a real frustrated tired look in his eyes and says, “We don’t have a fucking doorbell.”

12 . The whole school thought I was going to star on Drake and Josh : In second grade, I told everyone that I was leaving school before next semester to move to Hollywood to play Megan’s cousin from Vermont on Drake and Josh . At first I just told my best friend, but then the whole school found out. I had people coming up to me and asking me for my autograph and a teacher even asked for a picture with me. When I showed up on the first day of school in third grade, I told everyone that the show was going off the air after the season finished (even though I had no knowledge of when it was ending), and so they wouldn’t need me. AND THE SHOW ENDED AFTER THAT SEASON AND EVERYONE BELIEVED ME UP UNTIL LIKE 6TH GRADE BUT NOW MY BEST FRIEND WILL NEVER LET ME FORGET ABOUT IT AND I’M SO ANGRY.

13 . Classroom Chaos : So in 8th grade I used to read during class a lot. At the time I was reading an Artemis Fowl book, and for some reason I had two copies of the same book. So one day in my English class we were reading this other book (which I had already finished reading three days earlier), I was reading my own book and when it was finally my turn to read, I had no idea where we were. So the teacher took my book away, I found my spot, read the part and passed it to the next person to start reading.

So after I read my part, I took out my second copy of Artemis and picked up right where I left off. Skip a few minutes ahead, gets back to my turn to read, and again I don’t know where we are. So teacher takes a look at me, sees the book in my hands, then back to her desk obviously confused for a second. But shrugs it off knowing it’s me she’s dealing with (I’ve caused similar problems like this before), takes my second book and puts it on her desk, and makes me read my part.

Now my friend that sat two chairs down from me was also reading Artemis at the same time as me and with a quick look to him he knew exactly what I was planning. He took it out and passed it over without hesitation. I opened to a random spot and just pretended like I was reading. (At this point it was just to mess with my teacher.)

So skip forward again and my teacher sees me with the book again and says, “How many of those do you have?” I gave my smartass remark as “enough.” She took away that book, too. But now at this point I was out of books, and the rest of my class knew it. But the teacher didn’t know I was out. So she continued with her lesson and another friend of mine took two of her books and switched out two of the Artemis books on her desk to make them look like they were still there.

He passed the books slowly around the room, one at a time, until they were back to me. Then I took one out, opened to a random spot and just kept it open, waiting to get caught. I silently signaled to a few people in class and they started laughing. The teacher looked at what they were laughing at and saw me with yet another book. She looked at her desk where there were seemingly 3 Artemis books and saw me with a 4th. She took it, walked back to her desk, put it down, turned around, and saw me with the second book that got taken back on my desk!!!

The teacher thought she was going to win this game but underestimated my teamwork with my classmates. So the second she came over to me to take the seemingly 5th book, another classmate took back the other two books from her desk and split them up—sending one to me one way, and the other another way.

The teacher was very flustered and laughing hysterically at this point and there was no more teaching going on. The entire class was also going ballistic trying to see who would win. It was just a game of “How many books does this one 8th grader have?”

So at the end of the class she thought she had taken 11 books from me. I took pity on her and told her what was really happening. I told her that I had already read the first book, and all the teamwork that went on. We were both laughing and making jokes. In the end she agreed to let me read my own books as long as I kept track of the actual book we were reading. (Meaning, I ask the person next to me tell me when it’s my turn and they point out my spot to read so I don’t actually have to keep track.)

14 . Victoria’s no longer a secret : So my oldest brother Ethan doesn’t like wearing pants while at home, he wears boxers (because he’s a gentleman) but REFUSES to wear pants.

So one day we’re all just chilling on the couch when Ethan comes in wearing his boxers. My younger brother Eric asks if he can take off his pants too and Ethan says yeah, just make sure you have clean underwear on.

Eric leaves the room, goes upstairs, comes back 3 or 4 minutes later without pants in my underwear, and not just any underwear; Victoria’s Secret, MY VICTORIA’S SECRET (only girl in the family).

Ethan is laughing his ass off, Nate (next oldest brother) is rolling on the floor, and I’m just sitting there like WTF.

My dad chooses the best time to come in with guests, when one of his 10 year old sons is standing in the living room wearing his only daughters frilly Victoria’s Secrets, his oldest isn’t wearing pants, and the other two sons are on the floor dying.

The neighbors haven’t come over since.

15 . My favorite teacher : One time in 6th grade we were at recess and while I was running to my friends, I just so happened to kick a HUGE rock (keep in mind, I was wearing flip-flops so it hurt like hell) and without thinking, I shouted at the top of my lungs “MOTHERFUCKER!” And with my god-awful luck, my math teacher was sitting at the bench right BESIDE ME. He then took me inside to what I thought was yell at me but he just couldn’t stop laughing and sent me back outside with a literal candy bar. He is still my favorite teacher I’ve ever had.

16 . Lotion boy : One time in my chemistry class, while the teacher was talking, this guy asked loudly, “Does anyone have any lotion?” The teacher stopped talking as some girl gave him some hand lotion.

The guy proceeds to slowly rub the lotion on his face as the whole class watches him in confusion.

The teacher asks him what he’s doing, and he responds with “I forgot to moisturize this morning” and puts even more on his face.

The teacher asks him to go to the hall to finish his moisturizing because he’s being a distraction, and after about 10 minutes he still hasn’t come back in, so someone opens the door to check and he’s still smearing lotion all over his face. He finally comes back in and hands the girl her lotion, and he’s used up half of it. Now people call him lotion boy.

17 . I never got to eat my Pringles : Okay, so this was in fourth grade, and I was in this class with all these dumbass kids.

Here’s the back story: My parents usually pack me fruit for a snack, but on this day they packed me like half of the leftover Pringles from the day before, you know, in that cylinder container. I was really excited since I LOVE PRINGLES. But when recess came around so I could take MY Pringles and go eat it outside, they weren’t in my bag. I started scoping the area, trying to find my Pringles. I call the teacher, she tries to find them but she can’t either. Than this thought comes to my mind—What if MOIRA STOLE IT?

Moira was this chubby girl in my class that literally ALWAYS wore this purple princess dress that should be classified as a bad Halloween costume (seriously) and was known for being a bitch.

Being the judgmental 9-10 year old I was, I straight out concluded that she must’ve stolen my damn Pringles. I just tell my teacher, “Well too bad, I’ll just go out for recess now. It was just PRINGLES.” Being a little angel. So I stomp out of the class and start searching for Moira. I’m talking checking areas, finding witnesses, wasting my time. So after a solid 10 minutes, I find a group of these kids crowded at the side of one of the portable classrooms. I rush over to see what it is. The kids were eating Pringles. Barbecue flavored Pringles. MY PRINGLES. I start raging as I smack the Pringles out of the kids’ hands and start ripping people away from the main source. And in the middle of all the kids, sat a smug looking MOIRA with my PRINGLES. I look all mad and rip the BLOODY EMPTY CONTAINER OF PRINGLES OUT OF THE DAMN BITCH’S FILTHY HANDS. By now even dumbass Moira knows what’s up, she’s a goner. I would’ve murdered her at the very least, but a supervisor saw us and ran over.

Moira was forced to apologize and I was forced to accept her damn apology.

I never got to eat my Pringles.

To this day I’m sure she fears my cold dead hands, ready to rip her lying face off.

18 . Why my parents can’t take me seriously : So one time I was home alone and it was around dinnertime when I decided to make myself something to eat. I opened the freezer and dug around until I found what appeared to be chicken nuggets in an unopened plastic bag that for some reason, didn’t have any cooking instructions. Thinking that my parents must have thrown away the box for box tops, I called my mom to ask how long and at what temperature to cook chicken nuggets. She told me both of them, I laid out about 20 on a tray and stuck it in the oven, setting the timer before I walked out of the kitchen. When it was almost time to get my chicken nuggets, I walked into a cinnamon scented kitchen. I searched all over that kitchen, trying to find the cinnamon scent, leading me to the oven. I decide to turn on the oven light to see if maybe my mom had stuck some cookies in the oven and forgot to bake them, but instead, I find that the tray my chicken nuggets were on has cookies on it instead! As I’m trying to process what just happened, I hear the front door open and my mom shout delightedly, “Ooooo what’s that smell?” She walks into the kitchen and catches my confused expression. That’s when the spark ignited and she realized exactly what had happened. Somehow in some form, I had accidentally baked snickerdoodles. And that is why my parents can never take my cooking seriously.

19 . Painting a roller coaster : So in my junior year of high school I got a project to make a roller coaster for my physics class. Everything was going fine until the day my partner and I had to paint the thing. We were in my garage spray painting the tubes and these two guys come marching up to the house across the street and start yelling at the top of their lungs, beating on the door. Now let me say in my defense the neighborhood I lived in was in south Dallas and it’s still not a safe place. Well I called the police, closed the garage and parked myself in front of the dining room window. Long story short the police showed up in full gear broke down the door and brought out the two boys at gunpoint. And that’s the story of how my entire block found out that the abandoned house had new owners.

20 . Jellyfish fiasco : So when I was like 9 I went to this aquarium thing and it was a pretty amusing trip overall. But then suddenly I just kind of saw these jellyfish without any tentacles floating around in the water and was like “oh cool.”

The next day at school, the teacher asked us what we had done over the weekend. Now normally I never raise my hand. But I did this time. I fucking did it this time. The worst possible time. So I raised my hand and everyone was obviously shocked to see my hand up in the air so the teacher said “yes?”

and after confirming the fact that she picked me I said

“I saw this jelly fish in the aquarium and I thought it was really cool because it didn’t have any -testacles-.” and then like the classroom just emerged with so much laughter and I had no clue what was going on so I pleaded my friend to explain what was so funny I mean even THE TEACHER WAS LAUGHING AND I WAS GOING WTF.

So eventually my friend explained to me (it literally took 2 hours of convincing) and then ofc I was pretty embarrassed but the thing is the fucking teacher then asked me if she could tell this to the other teachers and that’s the story of how I switched schools.

21 . Eighth grade games : So when I was in the eighth grade, science class was the most boring hours of my life. Everyone would play games on their computers (we used computers to take notes) but would play them in a super sneaky manner (volume down, looking at the board so it looks like you’re taking notes, etc.). I wasn’t one for playing games during class but I was soooo bored…so I searched up Pac-Man on Google and started playing (I didn’t know what else to play).

So I started playing and just my luck I didn’t check how high my volume was….IT WAS ALL THE WAY UP. I started panicking because the game noises were excruciatingly loud. I kept playing and got eaten by a ghost almost after I pressed the start button (my hands were shaking like crazy)….my strict science teacher looked me straight in the eye..

22 . I literally “fell” for him : Since my crush sits behind me in class, when we stood up to do the pledge I stood up too fast and I stumbled over to him so to not fall on the ground I reached to grab his desk but I accidentally GRABBED HIM and I ended up falling on top of him and we both screamed. Luckily I didn’t hurt or crush him. My teacher and everyone else started laughing and I got so red afterwards. Now when we stand up for the pledge, he moves all the way to the back of the room away from me…

23 . 5th grade teacher : In fifth grade, my teacher loathed me. She would do anything to make me cry and sent me to the principle’s office any chance she got. Don’t believe me? I’m left handed. So still, to this day, I get my hands confused. On this particular day, we were doing the Pledge of Allegiance and I had put my left hand to my chest (it’s supposed to be your right hand over your heart). She got mad at me, telling me that I wasn’t being ‘patriotic’ and sent me to the principal’s office. The principal and I were quite aquatinted at this point and so I told her why I was sent back to her office again, and she laughed. And laughed. I didn’t find it funny at all, I mean all the kids in my school thought I was a delinquent so they didn’t want to be my friend. My principal wrote on the back of my hands, L and R. What I didn’t realize was that she wrote L on my right hand and R on my left hand. She did the same to hers. Then, she walked me back to the classroom, and made our whole class redo the Pledge with our ‘right’ hand, with me leading the class, and it was one of the happiest moments of my elementary experience.

24 . In the closet : OK, so one time when I was really little I had a best friend who was kinda strange but so my mom got a call one day asking if she was over at my house because they couldn’t find her and so they call again about two hours later to ask if we could help look for her and so about three hours of looking we had basically covered the entire neighborhood and they were about to call the police and we decided to check their house one more time and my mom went into her room and found her completely naked and sleeping on the top of a super tall shelf in her closet.

25 . Cringey! : My best friend and I are super weird, and whenever either of us see an attractive person we tend to take a picture of them and send it to each other, because why not?

Anyway, I was on a cruise ship with my grandparents, and I spot this super cute guy a couple years older than me. Naturally, I freak out a little, & I whip out my phone. Bare in mind I’m sat next to my grandparents in the middle of a crowded lobby.

So I open my camera, take a picture- and guess what?

THE FUCKING FLASH WAS ON, WASN’T IT?

I make eye contact with thus cute guy, look at my Grandparents who both look extremely disappointed, and a few other people are looking at me. Obviously I left the room immediately.

26 . Sporting goods : So I have this health teacher who is really insane about exercise. This woman has done ironman triathlons, and talks about going to the YMCA at 5:00am.

Yeah she’s crazy.

Basically we have this project to pick a health goal to do for a month. Things like drinking water or doing squats. For that you need some motivation so we were talking about physical things to reward ourselves with.

She decided to tell us about her sporting goods fetish, where she goes into a store and buys a bunch of gear like they were books. In the middle of this she suddenly goes, “I really like Dick’s” Realizing what she just said, she turned red and in a more quiet voice goes, “please don’t tell your parents.”

27 . How bugs feel : When I was about 5/6 my mom and stepdad bought my sister and I bikes for Easter. After church they were like “do you wanna learn how to ride them?” And I was like??? Duh?? I had finally gotten the hang of it and I was riding around the circle showing off, and my mom was like “say cheese” so I look over at her for a second and I FUCKING RAM INTO A CAR AT FULL SPEED. A parked car that I didn’t even see, like at all, so I just rammed into this car and I fell off my bike and I was crying and all I could think about was “this must be how bugs feel” like they’re flying around living life and then SPLAT. Looking back that was my first existential crisis

28 . In dreams : I’ve always had super vivid dreams and it takes me a while after waking up to realize that they’re not real. Sometimes, it’s a disappointment but generally I just forget about it and move on. Now, in 6th grade I had one really close friend who I never actually got into a fight with. One night, I had a really vivid dream where my friend and I had this huge falling out over something that I can’t even remember now.

I was really good at holding grudges because I was not a forgiving child, so for three weeks I completely ignored my best friend in anger to the point where she started crying in front of the teacher and he asked what was going on. Of course, as I’m telling the story I realize the events were super weird and that it was all a dream. I fall silent and just look at my friend who’s still extremely upset and don’t know what to say because I had fucked up so badly.

29 . Sniffing candles with my best friend : So my best friend and I were in a super market and there were a lot of new candles. They all smelled strange so we started to think about names we could give them ‘grandma’s toilet cleaning agent’ or sth like this. Whatever I guess we sniffed to much candles because we started laughing very hard and I lay on the floor and my best friend fell into to pasta shelf which made us laugh even more and louder and people were already staring at us. Suddenly my brother’s best friend stood behind us and from this day he’s thinking that I’m taking drugs.

I just sniff candles with my best friend to burst out in laughter.

30 . Skull lover : So I was sitting at a lecture when I feel like being stared at, and in the corner of my eye I see this really handsome guy, who’s literally just staring at me. I don’t think much of it and continue to listen to the professor. After the lecture the guy comes up to me, and lays his hand on head and I’m like “eeeehm, what are you doing” and he stares me dead in the eyes and says “I’ve never seen such a gorgeous skull” and then he turns around and leaves.

31 . All glowed up : After the final bell, my friend and I were walking to our buses after school through a crowded hallway. We were talking about childhood and reminiscing about old memories, and we somehow started talking about which people became hot since middle school. My friend mentioned this guy named Keenan and I said “Yeah, he is pretty hot now,” and my friend practically screamed “DUDE HE GLOWED UP SO HARD!” (“Glowed up” means I guess like someone became attractive). Anyway, right as she said that she turned her head and he was RIGHT BEHIND US (this is so so very cliché but I swear to god there he was). Anyway, right as she saw him she screamed “OH! HE’S RIGHT THERE!”. And OF COURSE he heard her, but it was so awkward so he just walked past us looking down at his phone and my friend fell on the ground from embarrassment.

32 . Chinese class : I took Chinese at school as a freshman. On one particular day, we didn’t have anything to do in class since we had gone through the whole curriculum for the semester. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen. After a couple of minutes of searching, I couldn’t find the movie since I didn’t know the exact title, so I logged into my YouTube account and decided to find it in my history. When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night. The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. I went back to my seat and didn’t speak to anyone in class for the rest of the week. I still haven’t lived it down.

33 . Coca-Cola disaster : A couple years ago my friends and I were going to see a movie in the theatre at the mall. Instead of paying the ridiculous movie theatre prices for pop and candy, we decided to go to target to buy some stuff. This was when Coca Cola started to put people’s names on their bottles. My friend told me she had seen a bottle with my name on it inside this bin of Coke. I was weirdly excited since I hadn’t gotten one with my name on it yet. After I had bought the drink, I opened inside target, and it exploded EVERYWHERE. The pop was at least five or six feet in diameter. I watched as people passed the mess and made looks of disgust. Imagine if I had opened it inside of the theatre…

34 . Panic! at the pothole : Once upon a time I had a friend that was going to a Panic! At The Disco concert and she promised me she would face time me so that I could watch with her. So she messaged me at like the middle of the night telling me to answer her FaceTime call but I was at my neighbors house (which also happened to be my cousins house) so I started running out the door and my sister followed me behind and was chasing after me. She asked me where I was going so I started running as fast as I could screaming “WE HAVE TO GET HOME, IM NOT GONNA MAKE IT! I NEED TO SEE, WHY CANT I SEE!?!”

Keep in mind that it’s like midnight right about now but I’m running and halfway through screaming. I stepped inside a pothole in my neighbor’s lawn and completely fell in mud but I got right back up and kept running, muddy as hell, trying to get to my house while my sister was dying from laughter behind me. That’s not even the sad part, the sad part is my friends phone died so I just sat there with mud all over me at the dining room table staring at my blank phone just waiting. I waited for almost two hours, refusing to take a shower even though the mud was starting to dry up. This was two years ago and to this day every time my sister sees the pothole she starts dying from laughter.

35 . The toilet phase : When I was younger, around 3 or 4 years old, I had a phase of flushing things down the toilet. I would flush McDonald’s toys I didn’t want anymore or change I had found in my room. the biggest and most hilarious thing I ever dumped was a gallon of milk. one day I was bored and was looking around in the fridge low and behold there it was, a new gallon of milk. my tiny body dragged the bottle on the floor all the way to the bathroom. I opened the cap, let it go into the toilet, and flushed. I thought I was smart enough to let it go unnoticed but I’ll never forget what my dad yelled out when he walked in. “why in the hell is the water white?!“ my mom found the empty carton and just stared at me.

36 . My mom’s thong : One day when I was 3 I decided I wanted to be like my mom and wear “big girl” panties. I sneakily went through her drawer and grabbed the first thing I could find – a thong (I didn’t know what it was at the time). She didn’t know until we went to breakfast with some friends and took me to the bathroom. She still won’t let me live it down!

37 . Slappy trails : One time in fifth grade, I was walking back to class from the bathroom. Before I continue, I should specify two things.

1. My classroom was literally just around the corner from the bathroom, next to the lockers.

2. There was a boy that I had a crush on for the past year in my class.

Now for whatever reason, I was swinging my arms around in a wild half-windmill motion. Don’t ask me why, I was just filled with child-like glee I guess. So there I was, swinging my arms dramatically, then just when I got to the corner…

I had accidentally slapped someone in the face. It took me a second to realize who it was: my crush.

I was mortified, but he just started laughing. To this day I can probably cite that as one of my top clumsy/socially inept moments.

38 . The ramen incident : I have decided to remain anonymous to protect my identity from the foolishness. last night, I became hungry and decided to make some ramen. I removed the various packets from the bowl, added the flavor and vegetables, then put the bowl in the microwave.

After about a minute or two, I realized something was wrong. A terrible burning smell had filled my kitchen.

I opened the door to my microwave and…low and behold…I had neglected to add water. There was some smoke coming from the bowl. Not wanting to waste the ramen, I went to the sink and added water, which filled the room in acrid smoke for several seconds. I then returned the bowl to the microwave and cooked it for two more minutes before attempting to eat it.

Well….It went okay for a little while, until I discovered a globule of blackened noodles which had turned into some sort of strange crystalline substance yet seen in nature by humankind. I had a change of heart.

39 . First phone accident : When I was in the 6th grade my parents decided I should get my first cell phone because I was going to middle school now and things were different. It was a pink little slide phone where you’d slide it sideways and have the texting keyboard and all. I took decent care of my phone and never needed a replacement. Well, flash forward to Memorial Day weekend. My family and another family went camping up in Pennsylvania for the weekend. Well, one of the days we were up there my buddy, Oliver, and I decided to take the kayaks out on the lake. Genius me, decided she wanted to listen to the 4 Selena Gomez songs I had on my phone. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to put my phone in a plastic bag to protect it from the water. When we got back from kayaking I took my phone out only to find the bag was submerged in water. We had no rice or anything to save my phone so we tried laying it out to dry, not even 15 minutes later it starts down pouring destroying my phone even more. My mom ended up giving me her first flip phone which didn’t even have a camera or the option to have music or photos transferred. Lesson learned.

40 . Little thief : When I was around four or five I was with my mom at this store buying some Christmas gifts. as we were leaving I saw these little plushy dinosaurs that fit perfectly in my hands. I grabbed two of them and stashed one in each of my pockets. my pockets were so small that they made me look like I had two rumors on each of my hips. I still remember the rush of energy I got from actually leaving the store undetected. well, when my mom and I got to the car, she found them and called the store back and made me apologize. I had the absolute worst social anxiety when I was a kid so I was a absolutely sobbing, telling this poor employee how horrible a person I was. like I was having a mental breakdown, it was so bad my mom apologized to me afterwards and bought me a nice milkshake!

41 . Driver’s license : So I was at the local DMV to get my driver’s license when my dad pissed off the lady at the counter. turns out she was the lady that had to do the actual road test with me. We get in the car and I thought I was doing pretty well, until she starts freaking out? She has me pull over, tells me I’m the worst drive ever. after yelling at me, she demands I go back to the DMV. and the rest of the time she is on her phone. When we get there, there is a state trooper waiting for me. gives me a field sobriety test. Literally had to take a sobriety test when I tried to get my license. At least I passed one test that day.

42 . That one time I got lost : So about a year ago, I was in Phys. Ed class, and we went around the neighborhood for a jog at the beginning of each class. I hadn’t done it before because of medical reasons, but the teacher evidently forgot about it. I’m incredibly bad with directions and easily distracted, so I lost sight of the rest of the group and went completely the wrong way. I ended up being lost for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. the best part is that I single handedly changed my school’s Phys. Ed policy.

43 . Popcorn : My sister, mother, and I were waiting in a long line at the Sam’s Club food court. The entire time I was waiting, I was mentally rehearsing what my order would be “one slice of cheese pizza please”, my mind was repeatedly screaming at me. when we got up to the cashier to pay, I got distracted by his cuteness so instead of asking for the pizza, I confidently said “one popcorn please”, which SAMs Club food court has none of. Once I realized my mistake, I screamed out “noooo”, loud enough for 50 people to look at me. embarrassed, I ran away and my mom and sister had to bring me the slice of pizza from my finding place in the freezer section. To this day, I beg people to order for me when anyone remotely attractive is working the cash register.

44 . 50 shades of butt : So to begin my story I should tell you that I work at a Medical Spa as front desk and my job entails mostly computer and customer service related tasks. however, I am also there to assist the on shift technician, obviously not with the lasers as I am not certified, but with well…helping shaving clients to prepare them for their treatment. So this particular Saturday I was asked to help shave a client’s back, which was fine it’s part of my job and I just needed to be professional about it and it’s something I’ve unfortunately had to do before as well so no big deal right? wrong. So I do the usual I put on my gloves grab a razor and begin assisting the tech however much to my surprise (and displeasure) the tech suddenly pulls down the client’s pants and underwear to which I am greeted with a hairy behind. It is all I can do in my power to keep from laughing from sheer shock. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it was not totally normal colored…trying to stay professional I then had to proceed and hold the clients butt cheek taunt to shave it. I finished as through and quick as I possibly could and booked it the hell out of the room. Later when I had to book the clients next appointment neither of us could look the other in the eye because of that traumatizing encounter. I will probably never be able to live down the moment I looked at the multicolored butt right in the crack.

45 . Thanks, Mrs. Miller, you the best : One time way back in sixth grade math class I had to fart really bad. Me being the idiot that I am decided that it would be silent. Big surprise it wasn’t. The only person talking was the teacher and she was interrupted by freaking cannon fire farts. She said she was disappointed I couldn’t hold it in and proceeded to tell a story of how she taught a famous athlete who did nearly the same thing.

46 . Weed birthday : Last year, during class, my algebra teacher let us listen to music while we did our classwork and whatnot. So, I was just jamming, being super confused on this one problem and I look up from my paper to ask my friend how to do it and EVERYONE is intensely looking back and forth between me and another girl with their fingers on their noses. As you can imagine, I was super confused. So, naturally, I also put my finger on my nose. Everybody yelled “OHHHHHHHHHH” and turns out, it was a “nose goes” thing and the other girl had to ask the teacher if she’d ever smoked weed on her birthday because it was 4/20…

47 . That time in freshman year : So I was always the person who’d try to leave class really fast so I wouldn’t always being paying attention to some very crucial surroundings. So I’m sitting in math class where our teacher makes us put our book bags against the wall to the side of the room. The bell rings and being that kid that wants to get out I don’t bother putting all my stuff away and I just grab my RED backpack and I’m gone. I get all the way to my science class and set the book bag at my desk when LO AND BEHOLD it’s not my backpack. It’s another ALSO RED backpack that I had mistakenly took in my rush to get to science. So I have this mini freak out at my friend Seth sitting next to me. As a freshman and quite socially inept I decide not to really do anything about it until lunch which was next block. I had some paper in my arms from last class so I decided to use those and figure out everything during lunch instead of making a scene at like literally the first week of my high school career.

So we go into science class and since it’s the first week we’re always doing the scientific method lesson before anything else. My teacher asks the class for a problem we can apply to it right? Well guess who raises his hand? SETH. Now my teacher adored Seth so he gets called on and you know what his answer was?? “what if you accidentally stole someone’s backpack? like, you thought it was yours and you didn’t mean to take it” and my teacher was like why don’t you tell me more about this so Seth goes “oh it’s not my problem it’s HERS” and POINTS TO ME. Complete mortification. and even then my teacher was confused thinking I had just come up with the problem but no. only if. I hold up the stolen backpack and my teacher had the most dumbfounded look like I have never encountered someone that failed at life more than you. so he calls my math teacher yada yada I get my backpack. the worst part? We ended up continuing with that scenario and took notes on the scientific method using the very problem that I had created. my hypothesis? If I wasn’t a complete fail then I’d be able to get my own bag properly.

48 . Virtual-reality self-prostitution : I used to play a game called Phantasy Star Universe and I would be my own pimp AND my own hoe. I had my main account (let’s call him Dudeman) and my hoe account (let’s call her Galchick). so there was like the main floor area and people would like try to sell nudes for money (in-game, not IRL) and I was like “nobody actually does that… do they?” so I made Galchick and I took off her clothes so she was in her underwear, and then I said ONE thing on the main floor and some guy took the bait right away. he invited me back to his house and I was like “omg I’m sorry, I’m new to this! how do you transfer money?” and he did it to show me how… and then he asked for my character to teabag his and moan into the mic, and I was like a 15 year old boy, so instead… I just blocked him and took the money. that’s when I realized my one, true calling. I did it for months and I’d transfer the money from Galchick to Dudeman and all my friends wondered how I had super good gear. I miss that game everyday…

49 . A full sun : After an exhausting, weeklong festival I was getting a lift back home in a car full of my friends. We were coming up over a mountain road with a really beautiful ocean view just at sunset.

I’ll never forget the outburst that followed when I said “wow it’s so beautiful, and it’s even a full sun!”

I momentarily forgot that only moons have phases, and that the sun is generally always ‘full’ … my friends have never let me live it down.

50 . Socially awkward fail : So one day I was walking around, just chilling with my friends when I see this guy reading a book. He was new there but the book was a book I read and LOVED.

So naturally I approach this boy hoping to make a new friend and bond over the series. Being the socially awkward fail I am I planned out ahead of time what I’d say: “Hey, we’ve [my friends and I] wanted to come over to say hi cause I say you were reading a book I liked and I hope we can talk more in the future.”

Once we got to him I panicked and just had to blurt out “We’ve come to hello you.” and I think my voice cracked and I almost started to cry.

Never gonna talk to them again.

51 . Don’t sit on cold ground : So a couple weeks ago, me and my friends were sitting on this cement kind of pedestal (as we called it) It’s basically the steps up to the portable. (classroom that no one uses) and this weird supply French teacher comes up to us and says: you shouldn’t be sitting on this ground, it’s too cold and it’s bad for your ovaries. I asked her how or why and she said that if children sit on cold ground their ovaries will freeze and that we won’t be able to have kids. Now it’s an inside joke between us about not sitting on cold ground.

52 . Gay teacher : So about a year ago we had to do a speech about something we were passionate about. These would then be recorded to put on the school website. I decided to do one about gay rights as it was not yet legalized in my state. I decided to mention that I was gay during the speech, which wasn’t that much of a surprise to people. In the end it went really well.

Then a couple of hours later, during lunch I was walking past the staffroom to get to the lunch hall when I heard my speech being played, being curious I stopped and I heard them replay “I am gay myself actually” a couple of times over. Out of the corner I could see my 6th grade teacher give my computer studies teacher 10 dollars. Then suddenly, I sneezed really loudly, the teachers turned around and saw me standing there.

My 6th grade teacher has pretty much gotten over it but my computer studies teacher refuses to make eye contact with me.

53 . Foreign student trauma : When I first moved from Lithuania to America I was 5 years old and didn’t speak any English. On the first day of kindergarten I was crying so much that my teacher picked me up and let me sit on her lap, meanwhile the rest of the kids sat on the carpet in front of me and watched me cry while she explained to them what was going on (in a language I didn’t understand). Our school was 3 buildings put together, and the pick up was at the “blue” building but my classroom was at the “red” building, so they put a sign over my neck that said “I don’t speak English and I’m going to the blue building” and sent me away to follow a crowd of other kids. I’m still traumatized…

54 . His face looks like the best chair : So there’s this really hot kid in my creative writing class. And everyone knows I like him.

But one day, he walked in looking like a freaking GQ model, and I accidentally out loud whispered “Shit, his face looks like the best chair” and the girl who sits in front of me turned around and said “WTH, that’s freaky and gross” and she moved her seat.

She gives me weird looks every time she sees me now.

55 . Never wear a dress in Chicago : So when I was younger, my aunt was kind enough to invite me to come along with her to Chicago for my cousin’s paintball tournament. I had never been to Chicago before, so naturally I had to go see the big city.

Just like any other girl, I wanted to get all dolled up before walking around in front of people. I wore an extremely soft red dress that I was in love with, and some wedges.

One thing that Chicago has plenty of is vents, and I ignored them because the ones in my city are never on. This was a mistake, because I just so happened to walk over one that was on. Only to be met with steam hot enough to burn leg hair off, and my dress being blown up to my neck around hundreds of other people.

56 . SonofabitchAdam : I used to babysit this little boy who was a real handful. He was always in trouble and it seemed like every time his dad had to call him it went like this…

Dad finds disaster left by Adam.

Dad yells out, “Son of a Bitch! Adam!”

One day I have to pick up Adam’s older brother at school. A Catholic school.

His teacher, a nun, sees adorable little Adam with his chubby cheeks and face like a cherub and asks him his name and he answers flat out, “SonofabitchAdam.”

57 . As it turns out, I am gay : When I was around 9 years old I was starting to get confused about my sexuality so I would always look up “Are You Gay” quizzes on our family computer because I was scared and confused, and my mom eventually saw the searches in the history and confronted me about it. I lied about it and said I had accidentally clicked an ad. As it turns out, I am gay. 

Read more Creativity .

About the author

January Nelson

January Nelson is a writer, editor, and dreamer. She writes about astrology, games, love, relationships, and entertainment. January graduated with an English and Literature degree from Columbia University.

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105 Funny, Witty, & Random Things to Text Your Friends

Last Updated: August 7, 2024 Fact Checked

This article was co-authored by wikiHow staff writer, Bailey Cho . Bailey Cho is an Editing Fellow at wikiHow, based in Dallas, TX. She has over 2 years of editorial experience, with work published in student journals and lifestyle publications. Bailey graduated from the University of Texas at Austin with a B.A. in Advertising and a Minor in Business. This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources. This article has been viewed 160,709 times. Learn more...

Looking for a funny and random message to spice up your text conversation? We’ve got you covered! Engaging in a silly exchange is one of the best ways to bond with your friends, and in this article, we’ve compiled the ultimate list of texts you can use to revive a dying conversation and get the laughs going. From witty and weird to thought-provoking and relatable, here’s everything you need to maintain an entertaining discussion with your besties.

• I gotta finish laundry.
• I’m going to the bathroom.
• I gotta clean my closet after lunch.
• I’m going to make chicken for dinner.
• I have to go to the meeting in an hour.

• Liquid ham.
• Elbow rage.
• Plaid bananas.
• Cockroach patrol.
• Pineapple marriage.

• Do nothing. It is impossible.
• You smell like pasta. Stand back!
• I’m out of my mind. Be back in 5 minutes.
• If history repeats itself, I’m getting a dinosaur pet.
• Everything is coming to you, but you’re in the wrong lane.

Thought-provoking

• Is it possible to cry underwater?
• Is cereal soup? Why or why not?
• Does a straw have one hole or two?
• Why do our feet smell and noses run?
• If animals could talk, which would be the rudest?

• Do you ever accidentally eat a whole pint of ice cream?
• Do you ever bring a book everywhere you go but never read it?
• Do you ever get the random urge to spend $30-50 for no reason?
• Do you ever carry 30 bags of groceries at once instead of taking multiple trips?
• Do you ever get a random flashback from middle school and stay up all night thinking about it?

• If you can’t laugh at yourself, I can help you out.
• I respect the opinion of everyone who agrees with me.
• If nothing is impossible, I’ve been doing the impossible for years.
• Don’t beat yourself up. A new beginning is only a new chance for failure.
• My parents told me to follow my dreams, so I turned to the side and kept sleeping.

• You’re berry important to me🍓
• I know this might sound cheesy, but you’re legen-dairy🧀🥛🐄
• I carrot imagine life without you🥕 Lettuce be friends forever🥬
• I’m rooting for you🥕🧅👩‍🌾🥔🫶
• Thanks for always being there for me. I love you to my core🍎😋

• Did you know? Lemons float, but limes sink.
• Did you know? Armadillo shells are bulletproof.
• Did you know? Cats have fewer toes on their back paws.
• Did you know? The longest English word is 189,819 letters long.
• Did you know? Blue whales eat half a million calories in one mouthful.

Unpopular Opinions

• Chapstick is a scam.
• Android is better than Apple.
• Ketchup is the worst condiment.
• Pizza is an open-faced sandwich.
• Nickelback is the best band of all time.

• Where would bears be without bees? Ears.
• What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
• What is Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
• What do you call a sad strawberry? A blue berry.
• Where do polar bears keep their money? In a snowbank.

Prank Messages

• Hey, I’m outside the hospital. Which entrance should I pick you up at?
• Dr. Kim? My dog won’t eat or drink anything. Can I schedule an appointment with you?
• Congratulations, you just won the Powerball! You need to provide me with your name, number, address, and social security number to claim your prize.
• Thanks for signing up for the Spongebob Squarepants fan club! We’ll send you updates on what’s happening in the Bikini Bottom every hour. To opt out of these messages, reply STOP.
• My name is Dan Johnson, and I wanted to let you know that I came to your restaurant last night and got food poisoning. I threw up all over my couch, and I would like you to pay for a new one.

• I need a 6-month vacation, twice a year.
• The first 5 days of the week are the hardest.
• After Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
• We need to invent a day between Saturday and Sunday.
• My new favorite day is Tuesday because it’s the furthest from next Monday.

• I don't have enough brain cells to go to school tomorrow.
• If I got a penny every time someone asked me my major, I’d be rich.
• Group assignments helped me understand why Batman works alone.
• Every time I see the word “explain” on an exam, I die a little bit inside.
• If TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram were school subjects, I would have a 4.0.

• I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
• Friends buy you lunch. Best friends eat your lunch.
• If it’s true that you are what you eat, I’m a chocolate cake.
• You know what they say…a hamburger a day keeps the doctor away.
• I decided to start my journey of self-improvement but ended up at the fridge🤦

• I’m enrolling in sugar baby 101.
• Do you want to know the secret to getting rich? Me too.
• If money doesn’t buy happiness, I want to be sad and rich.
• I know they say that money talks, but mine just says “goodbye.”
• My friendship isn’t for sale, but we can discuss a short-term rental.

• Love is really blind because it can’t see me at all.
• The secret to a good relationship is not having one.
• Not me curving any guy that I make eye contact with.
• Do I have a date this Valentine’s Day? Yes, his name is February 14th.
• My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance, and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes.

Song Lyrics

• Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
• If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go…
• This one is for the boys with the booming system…
• Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me…
• Everybody makes mistakes… Everybody has those days….

In a Group Chat

• Don’t talk to me ever again.
• I bid you all a fond farewell.
• Is this why fate brought us all together?
• You guys have no idea what you’ve done!

When They Don’t Text Back

• I really hope you’re writing me an essay🙄
• Hey, I lost my phone. Can you call it for me?
• My last text must have really left you speechless🤩
• I guess you took a trip to Mars last week. How were things?
• OMG, can you slow down? Your replies are so fast, I can’t keep up.

For Their Birthday

• Congrats, you’re not dead yet!
• I hope you have a gouda birthday.
• Happy birthday! Only 55 more years till retirement!!
• Here’s to another year of questionable life decisions!
• Older? For sure. Wiser? Not that much. Happy birthday bro!

To Your Crush

• Do you work at Starbucks? Because I like you a latte.
• If you were a song, you’d be the best track on the album.
• I’d say bless you, but it looks like you already have been.
• Hey, you’re pretty, and I’m cute. Together, we’d be pretty cute.
• Are you an electrician? Because you’re definitely lighting up my night.
• When I send your picture to my group chat, which one do you want me to use?

Expert Q&A

You might also like.

• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-three-minute-therapist/202102/8-ways-make-and-maintain-friendship
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-shared-existence/202304/6-conversation-habits-for-more-meaningful-connections
• ↑ https://www.betterup.com/blog/how-to-carry-a-conversation
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/counseling-keys/201603/the-7-rules-for-texting-in-relationships
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201112/break-the-ice-how-talk-girls-and-guys-0

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Funniest Copypastas

what are the funniest copypastas that you know? I'll go first: Last week I saw Wardaddy while in line at the bank. He was wearing 13 rolexes and a chain made out of protein powder so I asked how he had so much money. He said "WATCH THIS", pulled out a glock and robbed the bank for $31,203. Then he double updrafted and dashed out of the store...

I’m telling you, Hiko is as cracked as he is jacked. I saw him at a 7-11 the other day buying Monster and adult diapers. I asked him what the diapers were for and he said ”they contain my full power so I don’t completely shit on these kids“ then he bunny hopped out the door

Earlier today, I spotted Wardell shopping at my local IKEA. He looks very depressed and I asked him, "Whats wrong" He took out 5 Jett knives and said, "WATCH THIS" and carved the furniture into statues of him. He was arrested shortly after

"Your aim is insane." Steel said, as he slipped his feminine hand into Hiko's pants and smirked. "Are you trying to spray me?" protests Hiko, as Steel blushes, the boyish figure undressed before Hiko. "Weak ass eco play, Steel." The two kissed, deeply and passionately, and afterwards Hiko dropped his Sova arrow into Steel's open bombsite.

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⠛⠛⠛⠛⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠛⠉⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠋⠈⠀⠀⠀⠀⠐⠺⣖⢄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⢀⡆⠀⠀⠀⢋⣭⣽⡚⢮⣲⠆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢹⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⡼⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠻⣅⣨⠇⠈⠀⠰⣀⣀⣀⡀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣟⢷⣶⠶⣃⢀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡅⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢿⠀⠈⠓⠚⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡠⠀⡄⣀⠀⠀⠀⢻⠀⠀⠀⣠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠐⠉⠀⠀⠙⠉⠀⠠⡶⣸⠁⠀⣠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⡆⠀⠐⠒⠢⢤⣀⡰⠁⠇⠈⠘⢶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠠⣄⣉⣙⡉⠓⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣰⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣤⣀⣀⠀⣀⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿

I was on a date with my girlfriend. She seemed off. I asked her what was wrong, and she replied “Our relationship is Sentinels”

I burst into tears, our relationship was finished

The agents right??????

https://youtu.be/owns7GqNRiM

any gifters im poor i live in a box and im watching your stream using mcds wifi on my nintendo DS but the lady is about to kick me out because i didnt buy anything itll make my week if i was subbed to this goat

NGL, 100T valorant is a joke. Guess the management doesn't understand How you can set the strategies even without replacing players. I guess, They should just drop the entire roaster. There won't be any team synergical consistency since they keep replacing the players. and yeah Hiko should stop baiting

"Cry is free" is one constantly used sentence to users who are complaining about something. But what most people doesn't know, is that this sentence is actually a huge lie. As far as we know, tears consists of water and 0,9 gram salt per litre. And both of these ingredients are not free. Here I listed the price of 10 litre tears for the countries of the G8. I used the following formula (price is in US Dollar): (price 100 gram salt/100)x9 + (price 1 cubic litre water/100) = price 10 litre tears France: 0,20 $ Italy: 0,17 $ Germany: 0,19 $ United Kingdom: 0,22 $ USA: 0,18 $ Canada: 0,18 $ Japan: 0,18 $ Russia: 0,16 $ That means russia has the cheapest cry. (Hail Communism) Thank you for reading.

TSM wins Champion TS Mishra University or TSM is a Nigerian hospital in UP, India with notable students like Mathuresh Wardhal (Matt Wardell) Yasine Subroza Kumar, Hamza hazed Khan (recently moved to Not Really Good chess org), and love Leviathan Kush. Best team in Gully Cricket 2020 but no results in ODI 2021. They are looking to hire Lohar "Steel" Kissan to increase their chances of making it to FIFA 2022. ~ via downcomer Latest addition : Sources say that they also have a secret coach Harpreet "hikaru" Kaushal from chess.com after Chatrapati "Chet" Chatur's failed attempt at making them play the game like CSGO (fantasy anime game set in 2055 featuring waifus and other 2d grills)

Rafique "RawkAss" Rizwan is a professional Overwatch electronic sport player from Karachi, Pakistan who used to play for the Balochistan Outlaws. He's currently the couch for the amateur Valorant team SentinLs. He's leading them towards success with meta defining tactics such as "Tenz go kill" and "Sick go clutch". Truly one of the couches of all time

Quick reminder that NA is quiet as fuck since cNed destroyed them in berlin and they only won because team hold cNed back. Quick reminder that Gold2 destroyed your Sentinels Superstar Team. Quick reminder that Gambit destroyed everyone of you. Quick reminder that you are all quiet since overrated NA onliner TenZ did nothing. Only NA GOATS are yay, aleksandar, crashies.

MAN I HECKING LOVE TenZ BatChest POGGERS MOUSE GRIP BatChest KYDAE BatChest SENTINELS BatChest FLICK PogChamp WOWZERS IF TENZ HAS 10 FANS, I'M ONE OF THEM IF TENZ HAS 5 FANS, I'M ONE OF THEM IF TENZ HAS 0 FANS, MEANS I AM NO LONGER ON EARTH IF WORLD IS AGAINST TENZ THEN I'M AGAINST THE WORLD #TENZ4LYFE #GETINMETENZ

That was a rollercoaster 🎢

Tenjzir “Tenz” Rajesh is an Indian Valorant professional player playing for Sentinels, an electrical sports (E-sport) organization located in Delhi, India. He is known for his offline performance one tapping bots and his best map is The Range

Local Michigan news is reporting a toxic cloud above areas surrounding Detroit. Scientists believe the toxic cloud is being caused by the boomer streamer Hiko who is currently malding and being toxic to his teammates in the video game Valorant. More on this at 11.

TSM WARDELL : Hello? DD8? 😀📞 Have you received the money??? 😀📞 This stupid 50 year old Nissan guy is op-diffing me on Chamber, I need you to type something in all-chat NOW… 😀📞 ….Nice, I’ll get Subroza to tweet about it now. 😀📞 Pleasure doing business with you 😀📞

TSM is fantastic, they just need to work on communication, aim, map awareness, crosshair placement, eco management, pistol aim, awp flicks, grenade spots, pop flashes, positioning, bomb plant positions, retake ability, spray, skills use, control and getting kills.

⢰⣶⠶⢶⣶⣶⡶⢶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⣶⡶⠶⢶⣶⣶⣶⣶ ⠘⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠄⠄⠄⠈⠉⠄⠄⣹⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⢿ ⠄⠤⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣤⡈⠙⠛⣿⣿⣿⣧⣀⠠⣤⣤⣴⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶ ⢠⠄⠄⣀⣀⣀⣭⣿⣿⣿⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣤⣿⣿⠉⠉⠉⢉⣉⡉⠉⠉⠙⠛⠛ ⢸⣿⡀⠄⠈⣹⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠿⠿⢿⣿⣿⣷⣾⣿ ⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠛⢩⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⣿⣿⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣄⣠⣴⣿⣷⣭⣻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⠸⠿⣿⣿⣿⠋⣴⡟⠋⠈⠻⠿⠿⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠃⣸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⢸⣿⣿⣿⡁⠈⠉⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣤⡄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠄⠈⠻⠿⠛⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⢸⣿⣿⣿⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣠⣄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢀⣀⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⢸⣿⣿⣿⡀⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠉⠉⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠐⠒⠒⠄⠄⠄⠄⠉⢸⣿⣿⣿ ⢸⣿⣿⣿⢿⣦⣄⣠⣄⠛⠟⠃⣀⣀⡀⠄⠄⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⡀⢀⣰⣦⣼⣿⣿⡿ ⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣻⣿⠄⢰⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⢛⣥⣾⣟⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆⠈⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⣧⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ Team shit mid lost to this

Reality check!

Na getting absolutely destroyed on this tournament, the most important one since Valorant came out! You have no more excuses, NA is so trash on tactical FPS and other esports game 13 major for EU on CS GO, 1 for NA what a joke On Valorant EU already dominating the scene.

The only things you can win on is COD and Halo with aderall and aim assists nice achievements

As a European it was always hard for me to understand American culture. What was fascinating for me is that they like bragging about their freedom which was weird for me, because I didn't think that I have any less freedom than them. I always thought 'What is the difference'. However after this game I finally understand it. NA is just so fucking free.

13-0-------13-0-13-0-----------------------------------13-0-13-0-13-0 13-0-----13-0------13-0------------------------------ 13-0-----------13-0 13-0------------------13-0------------------------------13-0--------------13-0 13-0-----------13-0-13-0-------13-0-13-0------13-0---------------13-0 13-0-------------------13-0-------13-0-13-0------13-0---------------13-0 13-0-------------------13-0-----------------------------13-0-------------13-0 13-0-----13-0-------13-0------------------------------13-0-----------13-0 13-0---------13-0-13-0---------------------------------13-0-13-0-13-0

13-0-----------13-0-----13-0-13-0-13-0------13-0-----------13-0------13-0------------------------13-0 13-0--------13-0--------13-0----------------------13-0--------13-0---------13-0------------------------13-0 13-0---13-0-------------13-0----------------------13-0---13-0--------------13-0------------------------13-0 13-0-13-0---------------13-0-13-0-13-0------13-0-13-0----------------13-0------------------------13-0 13-0---13-0-------------13-0----------------------13-0---13-0--------------13-0--------13-0---------13-0 13-0-------13-0---------13-0----------------------13-0-------13-0----------13-0--------13-0---------13-0 13-0-----------13-0-----13-0----------------------13-0-----------13-0------13-0---13-0---13-0----13-0 13-0-------------13-0---13-0-13-0-13-0------13-0-------------13-0----13-0-13-0--------13-0-13-0

if WARDELL👽and my girl👧😍 both drowning 😱 👋 and I can only save one😤😬Catch me at the Ascent B site🚪🔴 with my boy on Chamber 🌈🕰

ronickel so scary rusisan man make all liquid weak men do liquid in pants.. lost to sabtogge too much water in wawater bottle... gambit should get deflorized for cheater and unfair win ...

Hey [insert player/team here] my son is a huge fan of yours. Anyway over the past few days of watching you play this game hes got much better at playing baseball (he plays in the 11-13 year old division). I just wanted to stop by and thank you for teaching him how to throw so well.

Summary: Shots 1-5: Clearly missed. Shots 6-9: Missed due to recoil (bad spray control). Shots 10-11: Very close, but recoil and inaccuracy make these reasonable misses. Shot 12: Likely didn't actually fire because Hiko was already dead.

I cannot any more hide Sentinels is my pride Redemption arc or I do ...... I the groom, dapr my bride SicK will always be my side Rawkus will guide, ShahZam decide Zombs is the anchor we provide Tenz do wee woo and opponents died Sentinels is my pride I cannot any more hide

📞Hello?📞Is this the OP Academy?📞I would like a refund please📞I’m paying to shoot like Wardell not Whiffdell📞He do miss📞

"all good” is such a weak mindset. you are ok with what happened, you are ok with losing. when you stop getting angry after losing, you’ve lost twice. there’s always something to learn, and always room for improvement, never settle.

100T is my favorite team! i love their COD brand and nadeshot is my daddy!!! if u don’t like 100T ur pissed cause you don’t have as many subs as courageJD LMFAO! yeah we may not win in anything except pisslow controller games, but nadeshot makes more money than ur whole family!!!

In their upcoming heist, The 100 Thieves Team visited an orphanage in LA. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope", said Charlie, age 6.

As Asuna buries his head into his hands following his crushing defeat at the hands of four Overwatch players, his phone buzzes. It's the security camera for his mom's house, catching Babybay exiting. It's exactly 7:01 am, 7 gongs ring in the distance.

My mom just entered my room and asked me to stop watching garbage. I told her that VALORANT was a respectable esport with millions of player around the world. She responded: “I know. I was talking about TSM, they’re trash” KEKW.

TSM WARDELL : Hello? COM? 😀📞 Have you received the money??? 😀📞 This stupid 10 year old Kanpeki guy is op-diffing me on Chamber, I need you to type something in all-chat NOW… 😀📞 ….Nice, I’ll get Subroza to tweet about it now. 😀📞 Pleasure doing business with you 😀

I was feeling some serious urges today so I went to my nearest Copium dispensary. To my surprise, there was a massive crowd there, all pushing and shoving each other to get some copium. I tried to ask the people in the crowd why so many of them were there but they kept saying "watch this" and proceeded to throw invisible things at me. I gave up and tried to return home before I stumbled upon a hooded figure watching the crowd from a distance. I went to him and asked what's going on here. The man took his hood off and to my surprise it was none other than Cloud 9 Vanity. He took a deep breath, looked into the sunset and said" They're all TSM fans".

I unfoIIowing v1 vanityyyyyyyyy no shot he goes cloud9....cloud9? come on vanityyyyyyyy u betray v1 how could u do dis. If i was vanity i would sabotage cloud9 from the inside like imposter from amongus

Random Paragraph Generator

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If you're looking for random paragraphs, you've come to the right place. When a random word or a random sentence isn't quite enough, the next logical step is to find a random paragraph. We created the Random Paragraph Generator with you in mind. The process is quite simple. Choose the number of random paragraphs you'd like to see and click the button. Your chosen number of paragraphs will instantly appear.

While it may not be obvious to everyone, there are a number of reasons creating random paragraphs can be useful. A few examples of how some people use this generator are listed in the following paragraphs.

Creative Writing

Generating random paragraphs can be an excellent way for writers to get their creative flow going at the beginning of the day. The writer has no idea what topic the random paragraph will be about when it appears. This forces the writer to use creativity to complete one of three common writing challenges. The writer can use the paragraph as the first one of a short story and build upon it. A second option is to use the random paragraph somewhere in a short story they create. The third option is to have the random paragraph be the ending paragraph in a short story. No matter which of these challenges is undertaken, the writer is forced to use creativity to incorporate the paragraph into their writing.

Tackle Writers' Block

A random paragraph can also be an excellent way for a writer to tackle writers' block. Writing block can often happen due to being stuck with a current project that the writer is trying to complete. By inserting a completely random paragraph from which to begin, it can take down some of the issues that may have been causing the writers' block in the first place.

Beginning Writing Routine

Another productive way to use this tool to begin a daily writing routine. One way is to generate a random paragraph with the intention to try to rewrite it while still keeping the original meaning. The purpose here is to just get the writing started so that when the writer goes onto their day's writing projects, words are already flowing from their fingers.

Writing Challenge

Another writing challenge can be to take the individual sentences in the random paragraph and incorporate a single sentence from that into a new paragraph to create a short story. Unlike the random sentence generator , the sentences from the random paragraph will have some connection to one another so it will be a bit different. You also won't know exactly how many sentences will appear in the random paragraph.

Programmers

It's not only writers who can benefit from this free online tool. If you're a programmer who's working on a project where blocks of text are needed, this tool can be a great way to get that. It's a good way to test your programming and that the tool being created is working well.

Above are a few examples of how the random paragraph generator can be beneficial. The best way to see if this random paragraph picker will be useful for your intended purposes is to give it a try. Generate a number of paragraphs to see if they are beneficial to your current project.

If you do find this paragraph tool useful, please do us a favor and let us know how you're using it. It's greatly beneficial for us to know the different ways this tool is being used so we can improve it with updates. This is especially true since there are times when the generators we create get used in completely unanticipated ways from when we initially created them. If you have the time, please send us a quick note on what you'd like to see changed or added to make it better in the future.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can i use these random paragraphs for my project.

Yes! All of the random paragraphs in our generator are free to use for your projects.

Does a computer generate these paragraphs?

No! All of the paragraphs in the generator are written by humans, not computers. When first building this generator we thought about using computers to generate the paragraphs, but they weren't very good and many times didn't make any sense at all. We therefore took the time to create paragraphs specifically for this generator to make it the best that we could.

Can I contribute random paragraphs?

Yes. We're always interested in improving this generator and one of the best ways to do that is to add new and interesting paragraphs to the generator. If you'd like to contribute some random paragraphs, please contact us.

How many words are there in a paragraph?

There are usually about 200 words in a paragraph, but this can vary widely. Most paragraphs focus on a single idea that's expressed with an introductory sentence, then followed by two or more supporting sentences about the idea. A short paragraph may not reach even 50 words while long paragraphs can be over 400 words long, but generally speaking they tend to be approximately 200 words in length.

Other Random Generators

Here you can find all the other Random Generators:

• Random Word Generator
• Random Noun Generator
• Random Synonym Generator
• Random Verb Generator
• Random Name Generator
• Random Adjective Generator
• Random Sentence Generator
• Random Phrase Generator
• Weird Words
• Random Letter Generator
• Random Number Generator
• Cursive Letters
• Random Password Generator
• Random Bible Verses
• Random Pictures
• Wedding Hashtags Generator
• Random List
• Dinner Ideas Generator
• Breakfast Ideas
• Yes or No Oracle
• Pictionary Generator
• Motivational Quotes
• Random Questions
• Random Facts
• Vocabulary Words
• Writing Prompts
• Never Have I Ever Questions
• Would You Rather Questions
• Truth or Dare Questions
• Decision Maker
• Hangman Words
• Random Color Generator
• Random Things to Draw New
• Random Coloring Pages New
• Tongue Twisters New

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What is a paragraph generator.

A paragraph generator is an online software that generates a text based on user-provided input. You can generate long paragraphs just by giving in input a list of keywords or a full sentence. The software then uses AI to generate a paragraph of text that try to respect your input and include the specific words.

How can a paragraph generator be used?

Business users can use a paragraph generator to identify potential markets and opportunities based on user-supplied parameters. Some examples of business sectors a paragraph AI writer can generate ideas for are technology, health care and transportation. You can use it in your blog, intro, social media post or essays.

What should I do once I have generated ideas?

Once you have used a paragraph generator to generate ideas, you can copy-paste the output in a text editor as a starting point for further research or writing.

You can also share the generated paragraphs with others to get their feedback on your ideas. If you are using the paragraph generator for academic purposes, make sure to cite the tool in your essay.

What is a very long paragraph?

A very long paragraph is a paragraph with more than 200 words that is excessively long and rambling. This type of paragraph can be difficult to read and understand, and it can make your writing look unprofessional. If you find yourself generating very long paragraphs, try breaking them up into smaller paragraphs or bullet points.

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Should You Be Funny In Your College Essay + Examples

What’s Covered:

Why are college essays important, should you be funny in your college essay, tips for adding humor to your college essays, essay examples, how to make sure your humor is effective.

College essays are an important part of your application profile. They humanize you and provide you with the opportunity to prove that you’re an interesting individual beyond your grades and test scores. 

Some ways students humanize themselves include reflecting on their values, clueing readers into their backstory, showing off their personalities, or any combination of these. 

One question that may come up with regards to showing off your personality is: can I be funny in my college essay?

Read along to hear our expert opinion on the subject and tips for writing a funny essay, the right way. You can also check out a few examples of essays that have successfully included humor to give you a good idea of what’s appropriate for your writing.

To put it simply, college essays are needed because top colleges have lots of qualified candidates and, to get accepted, you need to stand out. It is estimated that, at top schools, there are at least four academically-qualified applicants for every open spot. This means that students hoping to gain admission to top schools must supplement outstanding grades with other outstanding qualities.

Ways to make yourself stand out include extracurriculars, recommendations and interviews, and essays. At the nation’s top schools, reports tell us that these non-academic factors are weighted respectively as accounting for 30%, 10%, and 25% of your overall admissions chances. The fact that essays account for 25% of your admissions chances means that they could be your key to acceptance at your dream school.

If you are interested in the specific factors that determine how important essays are for individual candidates at individual schools, check out this post .

Essays are heavily weighted in the admissions process because they are the only place where admissions officers get to hear directly from you. An individual’s voice says a lot about them—how mature they are, how comfortable they are with their experiences, and even how likable they are. These are important factors for admissions officers who are trying to see how you would fit in on their campus!

The gist of our answer: if your personality is funny, feel free to be funny! As we’ve said, an important opportunity provided to you by the college essay is the opportunity to show your personality. Humor, if done correctly, can be an important part of that.

That said, if you are only attempting humor because you think it is what admissions officers want to hear or because you think it will help you stand out, abandon ship and find a way to shape your essay that is true to your personality. Try writing down how you view your personality or ask friends and family for adjectives that describe your personality, then show that personality through your voice. It will be more natural this way!

Some elements of personality that could define your voice, if humor isn’t for you:

• Thoughtful/reflective
• Extroverted/social
• Charismatic
• Clever/witty
• Honest/authentic
• Considerate
• Practical/rational

Additionally, if you cannot follow some basic guidelines (listed below) for how to incorporate humor into your essay, you might want to change your course.

1. Be Appropriate

First things first: be appropriate. Humor is, of course, subjective, but make sure your subject matter would be considered appropriate by absolutely anyone reading it. Think about the most traditional person you know and make sure they would be okay with it. No jokes about sex, drugs, lying, crimes, or anything inappropriate—even if the joke is “obviously” against the inappropriate thing you are mentioning.

2. Don’t Be Overly Informal

You want your essay to position you as mature and intelligent, and the way you control language is a sign of maturity and intellect. That said, lots of humor—particularly the humor of young people and internet humor—are based on informality, intentional grammatical errors, and slang. These types of humor, while arguably funny, should be excluded from college essays!

As you write, remember that you know nothing about your admissions officer. Of course, you do not know their age, race, or gender, but you also don’t know their sense of humor. The last thing you want to do is make a joke with an intentional grammatical error and be perceived as unintelligent or make a joke with slang that confuses your reader and makes them think you don’t have a firm grasp of the English language.

3. Avoid Appearing Disrespectful or Inconsiderate

Humor often involves making fun of someone or something. It is very important that you do not make fun of the wrong things! In the last example, the student made fun of themself and their failed cooking experience. That is totally acceptable.

Things that you should not make fun of:

• Other people (particularly those in positions of authority)
• Political ideas
• Religious ideas
• Anything involving ethics, morals, or values

When you make fun of others, you risk sounding cold or unsympathetic. Admissions officers want to admit candidates who are mature and understand that they can never understand the struggles of others. That means you shouldn’t make a cutting joke about your old boss or an unintelligent politician who was running for your city mayor, even if they are the villain in your anecdote.

Similarly, avoid jokes about types of people. Avoid stereotypes in your jokes. 

In general, it is hard to write a humorous essay about a controversial subject. Controversial issues are typically issues that require deep thought and conversation, so if you intend to engage with them, you should consider a more reflective approach, or consider integrating reflection with your humor.

Here is an example of a student successfully poking fun at themself with their humor, while alluding to controversy:

My teenage rebellion started at age twelve. Though not yet technically a teenager, I dedicated myself to the cause: I wore tee shirts with bands on them that made my parents cringe, shopped exclusively at stores with eyebrow-pierced employees, and met every comforting idea the world offered me with hostility. Darkness was in my soul! Happiness was a construct meant for sheep! Optimism was for fools! My cynicism was a product of a world that gave birth to the War in Afghanistan around the same time it gave birth to me, that shot and killed my peers in school, that irreversibly melted ice caps and polluted oceans and destroyed forests. 

I was angry. I fought with my parents, my peers, and strangers. It was me versus the world. 

However, there’s a fundamental flaw in perpetual antagonism: it’s exhausting. My personal relationships suffered as my cynicism turned friends and family into bad guys in my eyes. As I kept up the fight, I found myself always tired, emotionally and physically. The tipping point came one morning standing at the bathroom sink before school.

This student engages with controversial subject matter, but the humorous parts are the parts where she makes fun of herself and her beliefs— “ Darkness was in my soul! Happiness was a construct meant for sheep! Optimism was for fools!” Additionally, the student follows up their humor with reflection: “ However, there’s a fundamental flaw in perpetual antagonism: it’s exhausting. My personal relationships suffered as my cynicism turned friends and family into bad guys in my eyes.”

This student is both funny and mature, witty and reflective, and, above all, a good writer with firm control of language.

4. Don’t Force It

We have already mentioned not to force humor, but we are mentioning it again because it is very important! 

Here is an example of a student whose forced humor detracts from the point of their essay:

To say I have always remained in my comfort zone is an understatement. Did I always order chicken fingers and fries at a restaurant? Yup! Sounds like me. Did I always create a color-coded itinerary just for a day trip? Guilty as charged. Did I always carry a first-aid kit at all times? Of course! I would make even an ambulance look unprepared. And yet here I was, choosing 1,000 miles of misery from Las Vegas to Seattle despite every bone in my body telling me not to.

The sunlight blinded my eyes and a wave of nausea swept over me. Was it too late to say I forgot my calculator? It was only ten minutes in, and I was certain that the trip was going to be a disaster. I simply hoped that our pre-drive prayer was not stuck in God’s voicemail box. 

As this student attempts to characterize themself as stuck in their ways (to eventually describe how they overcame this desire for comfort), their humor feels gimmicky. They describe their preparedness in a way that comes off as inauthentic. It’s funny to imagine them carrying around a first aid kit everywhere they go, but does the reader believe it? Then, when they write “ Was it too late to say I forgot my calculator? ” they create an image of themself as that goofy, overprepared kit in a sitcom. Sitcom characters don’t feel real and the point of a college essay is to make yourself seem like a real person to admissions officers. Don’t sacrifice your essay to humor.

5. Make Sure Your Humor Is Clear

Humor is subjective, so run your essay by people—lots and lots of people—to see if they are confused, offended, or distracted. Ask people to read your essay for content and see if they mention the humor (positively or negatively), but also specifically ask people what they think about the humor. Peer feedback is always important but becomes particularly useful when attempting a humorous essay.

Essay Example #1

Prompt: Tell us an interesting or amusing story about yourself from your high school years. (350 words)

Cooking is one of those activities at which people are either extremely talented or completely inept. Personally, I’ve found that I fall right in the middle, with neither prodigal nor abhorrent talents. After all, it’s just following instructions, right? Unfortunately, one disastrous night in my kitchen has me questioning that logic.

The task was simple enough: cook a turkey stir fry. In theory, it’s an extremely simple dish. However, almost immediately, things went awry. While I was cutting onions, I absentmindedly rubbed at my eyes and smeared my mascara. (Keep this in mind; it’ll come into play later.) I then proceeded to add the raw turkey to the vegetable pot. Now, as any good chef knows, this means that either the vegetables will burn or the turkey will be raw. I am admittedly not a good chef.

After a taste test, I decided to take a page out of the Spice Girls’ book and “spice up my life”, adding some red chili paste. This was my fatal mistake. The bottle spilled everywhere. Pot, counter, floor, I mean everywhere . While trying to clean up the mess, my hands ended up covered in sauce.

Foolishly, I decided to taste my ruined meal anyway. My tongue felt like it was on fire and I sprinted to the bathroom to rinse my mouth. I looked in the mirror and, noticing the raccoon eyes formed by my mascara, grabbed a tissue. What I had neglected to realize was that chili paste had transferred to the tissue—the tissue which I was using to wipe my eyes. I don’t know if you’ve ever put chili paste anywhere near your eyes, but here’s a word of advice: don’t. Seriously, don’t .

I fumbled blindly for the sink handle, mouth still on fire, eyes burning, presumably looking like a character out of a Tim Burton film. After I rinsed my face, I sat down and stared at my bowl of still-too-spicy and probably-somewhat-raw stir fry, wondering what ancient god had decided to take their anger out on me that night, and hoping I would never incur their wrath ever again.

What the Essay Did Well

This essay is an excellent example of how to successfully execute humor. The student’s informal tone helps to bridge the gap between them and the reader, making us feel like we are sitting across the table from them and laughing along. Speaking directly to the reader in sentences like, “ Keep this in mind; it’ll come into play later, ” and “ I don’t know if you’ve ever put chili paste anywhere near your eyes, but here’s a word of advice: don’t. Seriously, don’t,”  is a great tactic to downplay the formality of the essay.

The student’s humor comes through phrases like “ Now, as any good chef knows, this means that either the vegetables will burn or the turkey will be raw. I am admittedly not a good chef.” As this student plays on the common structure of “As any good (insert profession here) knows,” then subverts expectations, they make an easy-to-understand, casual but not flippant joke.

Similarly, the sentence “ I decided to take a page out of the Spice Girls’ book ,” reads in a light-hearted, funny tone. And, importantly, even if a reader had no idea who the Spice Girls were, they would recognize this as a pop-culture joke and would not be confused or lost in any way. The phrase “ raccoon eyes”  is another humorous inclusion—even if the reader doesn’t know what it’s like to rub their eyes while wearing mascara they can picture the rings around a raccoon and imagine the spectacle.

As you can see from this essay, humor works well when you engage universal and inoffensive concepts in ways that are casual enough to be funny, but still comprehensible.

Essay Example #2

Prompt: Due to a series of clerical errors, there is exactly one typo (an extra letter, a removed letter, or an altered letter) in the name of every department at the University of Chicago. Oops! Describe your new intended major. Why are you interested in it and what courses or areas of focus within it might you want to explore? Potential options include Commuter Science, Bromance Languages and Literatures, Pundamentals: Issues and Texts, Ant History… a full list of unmodified majors ready for your editor’s eye is available here. —Inspired by Josh Kaufman, AB’18

When I shared the video of me eating fried insects in Thailand, my friends were seriously offended. Some stopped talking to me, while the rest thought I had lost my mind and recommended me the names of a few psychologists. 

A major in Gastrophysics at UChicago is not for the faint hearted. You have to have a stomach for it! I do hope I am accepted to it as it is the only University in the U.S. with this unique major. My passion for trying unique food such as fish eye has made me want to understand the complexities of how it affects our digestive system. I understand that Gastrophysics started with a big pang of food, which quickly expanded to famish. Bite years are used to measure the amount of food ingested. I look forward to asking, “How many bite years can the stomach hold?” and “How do different enzymes react with the farticles?” 

Gastrophysics truly unravels the physics of food. At UChicago I will understand the intricacies of what time to eat, how to eat and how food will be digested. Do we need to take antiparticle acid if we feel acidity is becoming a matter of concern? At what angle should the mouth be, for the best possible tasting experience? When I tried crocodile meat, I found that at a 0 degree tilt, it tasted like fish and chicken at the same time. But the same tasted more like fish at a negative angle and like chicken at a positive angle. I want to unravel these mysteries in a class by Professor Daniel Holz in gravitational gastrophysics, understanding the unseen strong and weak forces at play which attract food to our stomachs. 

I find that Gastrophysics is also important for fastronomy. I want to learn the physics of fasting. How should we fast? Hubble bubble is a good chewing gum; an appetite suppressant in case you feel pangs of hunger. I have read how the UChicago Fastronauts are stepping up to test uncharted territories. Intermittent fasting is a new method being researched, and UChicago offers the opportunity for furthering this research. Which is better: fasting for 16 hours and eating for 8, or fasting for 24 hours twice a week? It is just one of the problems that UChicago offers a chance to solve. 

I can also study the new branch it offers that uses farticle physics. It is the science of tracking farticles and how they interact with each other and chemicals in the stomach space. It could give rise to supernovae explosions, turning people into gas giants. It would also teach about the best ways to expel gas and clean the system and prevent stomach space expansion. 

I want to take Fluid dynamics 101, another important course in Gastrophysics; teaching about the importance of water and other fluids in the body, and the most important question: what happens if you try to drink superfluids? 

I hope to do interdisciplinary courses with observational gastrophysicists and work with environmental science majors to track how much methane is given by the human and animal gastrointestinal tract in the atmosphere and how much it contributes to the global climate change. I believe, with the help of courses in date science, they have been able to keep a track of how much methane is entering each day, and they found that during Dec 24-Jan 3 period, a spike in the methane and ethane levels could be seen. Accordingly, algorithms are being programmed to predict the changes all year round. I would love to use my strong mathematical background to explore these algorithms. 

These courses are specially designed by the distinguished faculty of UChicago. Doing interdisciplinary research in collaboration with biological science students to determine what aliens may eat, with fart historians to know more about the intestinal structure of medieval Italians, Japanese, Chinese, Swedish and French people to better their lives is what I look forward to. The Paris study abroad program is an immersion course into fastronomy, where I will have the opportunity to test my self-control with all the amazing French food and desserts around! 

My stomach rumbles now, so I am going out to try out new food – hopefully it will be in Chicago a few months later. 

This is a fun essay! This student’s voice is present and their goofy personality is especially evident. Not only did they change the name of their major, but this student incorporated word play throughout the essay to showcase their imagination. Phrases like “ the big pang of food ”, “ bite years ”, “ fastronauts ”, and “ farticle physics ” keep the tone lighthearted and amusing.

Incorporating this style of humor takes a lot of creativity to be able to still convey your main idea while also earning a chuckle from your readers. While some jokes are a bit more low-brow—” farticles ” or “ fart historians ” for example—they are balanced out by some that are more clever and require a bit of thinking to get the A-ha moment (referencing the Hubble telescope as “ Hubble bubble chewing gum “). You might not feel comfortable including less sophisticated jokes in your essay at all, but if you do want to go down that path, having more intellectual sources of humor is important to provide balance.

Another positive of the essay is the continued thread of humor throughout. Sometimes humor is used as a tool in the introduction and abandoned in favor of practical information about the student. This essay manages to tell us about the student and their interests without sacrificing the laugh factor. Weaving humor throughout the essay like this makes the humor feel more genuine and helps us better understand this student’s personality.  

Essay Example #3

Prompt:   Describe a topic, idea, or concept you find so engaging that it makes you lose all track of time. Why does it captivate you? What or who do you turn to when you want to learn more? (650 words)

Scalding hot water cascades over me, crashing to the ground in a familiar, soothing rhythm. Steam rises to the ceiling as dried sweat and soap suds swirl down the drain. The water hisses as it hits my skin, far above the safe temperature for a shower. The pressure is perfect on my tired muscles, easing the aches and bruises from a rough bout of sparring and the tension from a long, stressful day. The noise from my overactive mind dies away, fading into music, lyrics floating through my head. Black streaks stripe the inside of my left arm, remnants of the penned reminders of homework, money owed and forms due. 

It lacks the same dynamism and controlled intensity of sparring on the mat at taekwondo or the warm tenderness of a tight hug from my father, but it’s still a cocoon of safety as the water washes away the day’s burdens. As long as the hot water is running, the rest of the world ceases to exist, shrinking to me, myself and I. The shower curtain closes me off from the hectic world spinning around me. 

Much like the baths of Blanche DuBois, my hot showers are a means of cleansing and purifying (though I’m mostly just ridding myself of the germs from children at work sneezing on me). In the midst of a hot shower, there is no impending exam to study for, no newspaper deadline to meet, no paycheck to deposit. It is simply complete and utter peace, a safe haven. The steam clears my mind even as it clouds my mirror. 

Creativity thrives in the tub, breathing life into tales of dragons and warrior princesses that evolve only in my head, never making their way to paper but appeasing the childlike dreamer and wannabe author in me all the same. That one calculus problem that has seemed unsolvable since second period clicks into place as I realize the obvious solution. The perfect concluding sentence to my literary analysis essay writes itself (causing me to abruptly end my shower in a mad dash to the computer before I forget it entirely).  

Ever since I was old enough to start taking showers unaided, I began hogging all the hot water in the house, a source of great frustration to my parents. Many of my early showers were rudely cut short by an unholy banging on the bathroom door and an order to “stop wasting water and come eat dinner before it gets cold.” After a decade of trudging up the stairs every evening to put an end to my water-wasting, my parents finally gave in, leaving me to my (expensive) showers. I imagine someday, when paying the water bill is in my hands, my showers will be shorter, but today is not that day (nor, hopefully, will the next four years be that day). 

Showers are better than any ibuprofen, the perfect panacea for life’s daily ailments. Headaches magically disappear as long as the water runs, though they typically return in full force afterward. The runny nose and itchy eyes courtesy of summertime allergies recede. Showers alleviate even the stomachache from a guacamole-induced lack of self-control. 

Honestly though, the best part about a hot shower is neither its medicinal abilities nor its blissful temporary isolation or even the heavenly warmth seeped deep into my bones. The best part is that these little moments of pure, uninhibited contentedness are a daily occurrence. No matter how stressful the day, showers ensure I always have something to look forward to. They are small moments, true, but important nonetheless, because it is the little things in life that matter; the big moments are too rare, too fleeting to make anyone truly happy. Wherever I am in the world, whatever fate chooses to throw at me, I know I can always find my peace at the end of the day behind the shower curtain.

While the humor in this essay isn’t as direct as the others, the subtle inclusion of little phrases in parentheses throughout the essay bring some comedy without feeling overbearing. 

The contrast of elegant and posh Blanche DuBois and “ germs from children at work sneezing on me ” paints an ironic picture that you can’t help but laugh at. The ability to describe universal experiences also brings a level of humor to the essay. For example, the reader might laugh at the line, “ abruptly end my shower in a mad dash to the computer before I forget it entirely,”  because it brings to mind moments when they have done the same.

This student also achieves a humorous tone by poking fun at themselves. Admitting that they were “ hogging all the hot water, ” leading to “ (expensive) showers, ” as well as describing their stomachache as a “ guacamole-induced lack of self-control, ” keeps the tone casual and easy-going. Everybody has their flaws, and in this case long showers and guacamole are the downfall of this student.

While the tips and tricks we’ve given you will be extremely helpful when writing, it’s often not that simple. Feedback is ultimately any writer’s best source of improvement—especially when it comes to an element like humor which, naturally, can be hit-or-miss! 

To get your college essay edited for free, use our Peer Review Essay Tool . With this tool, other students can tell you if your humor is effective/appropriate and help you improve your essay so that you can have the best chances of admission to your dream schools.

If you want a college admissions expert to review your essay, advisors on CollegeVine have helped students refine their writing and submit successful applications to top schools. Find the right advisor for you to improve your chances of getting into your dream school!

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